Klandestin

i have the strangest dream

[deastonishing]

deciphered as;

You are expected to found this lonely witch house.

.

.

Place where she won't be hollow nor empty, where some figment of fancy galore and almonds cherries turned into substance of her vacant journey. And these are some she has from the baked:

Te quiero

clandestinamente

2 A.M Gedanke

Dear; Name

Train to hometown stroies

.

.

On a scale of zero to thistle grove, how keen your toe breeze in the woodsmoke?

The bravest

Kiya

[deastonishing]

For me she is her

“She?”

“Yes, Safikiya, the woman that have made you crazy”

“Hahhaha, she has magic, right?”

“To make you all smiley even if the world doesn't do justice to you? I guess she is”

“I’ve been asked a lot about this question, what thing that you love from her or how can she pull me to be this man, while she never asked me this”

“Really? I mean, does she ever wonder how the lover saw her?”

“Maybe she does? Or maybe she does not?”

Kilian continue his talks,

“She never asked me about her, she neither wanted me to depict her name into words, but it doesn’t mean she didn’t want to hear those pretty things about her. I have once talked about this thing to her, and she got all excited just like a little girl full of energy when her mom came back home with a handful of chocolates-

And I asked her ‘If you’re happy about this then why you never asks me, i have tons of words in the trunk ready to stored it to you’ and she answered with ‘Nope, I might sounds cocky, but darling I deserve to be loved either with or without a reason, the self affirmation itself already contented me to feel enough. Hahaha what a mindset, right? Or maybe i just afraid if someone sees me the way i didn’t want to be seen’ she has a point”

“Interesting, and about that, what was the thing you told about her?”

“She said she represents herself with Ariel, as a non fan of Disney princess I have to watch this movie and even the book version for weeks to understand ‘who is Ariel and how she resembles her’ well, the thought of her after I did all my research on this folks didn't change. She is Ariel, without silk pajamas but a summer dress. She is the embodiment of hope and fearless, brave, courageous and adventurous. She’s been through a lot to be placed as what the surroundings asked her to be, until they saw her as a lady who was fairly enough to stand every marrow with just her own breath. She has her own wisteria garden to walk, her palm offers nothing but kindness touch, her heart is gold, her gaze are starlight, her word is comfort like a mother coming to her children in one evening summer at the green hills, she is the Ariel, her existence needed by the ocean but her will should always be fed. Her eyes always craving for wisdom that she herself didn’t know how to find out, she is the Ariel, her life hasn't always been easy, she make mistake, she make a wrong choice, she didn't know how to reconcile, sometimes only watch the time ticking then keep making mistake, but she learn, she’s sad but she choose to put a smile on her eyes, she’s mourning but she choose to dance. No one asked her to always be okay, well, she neither wanted to always look fine for others, she did it for herself. She is the Ariel in the world she lived in, the choice she dwelled in were only her who can define it, however Ariel always need to be found to be loved without knowing her charm she could have all men in this world, but she chose to love me, someone whose astonished even by her flaws-

Hahah, i hope you don’t think i exaggerating”

“That was, lovely”

[blossomfully]

Sue Zhao

[deastonishing]

09032021

Hai, K

Kelana, bulan ini seharusnya menjadi bulan yang sangat menyenangkan, bukan? Atau mungkin saja begitu, seharusnya? Kalau kata orang, sih. Tapi mungkin bab ini tidak cukup berlaku secara menyeluruh, setidaknya, aku. Bulan lahir, mungkin dulu saat Ibu mengandung lalu sampai di waktu beliau akan mempertaruhkan hidup pada ruang dingin dan lampu sorot serta berbagai ukuran gunting dan pisau medis, ada banyak hal yang kurang menyenangkan yang mengikuti proses menuju hari tersebut. Mungkin? Sampai akhirnya terbawa hingga aku (pun, kamu?) dewasa. Setiap bulan saat rasi bintang tersusun menjadi satu nama yang selalu kita tuliskan di buku perkenalan sewaktu sekolah dasar, mewujudkan diri mereka menjadi sebuah mimpi buruk yang seakan nyata. Karena sedih dan seramnya terasa jauh dari kata fana, meskipun itu fana.

Tapi, bukankah kamu punya aku? Begitu juga aku. Punya kamu di sini. 

Hal ini berat, memang.

Tapi kan kita janji akan bertemu, sampai nanti, kamu dan aku bisa kembali menyerukan nama di rumah pohon belakang taman bunga, saat semburat ungu dan oranye digantikan dengan biru tua langit serta kawanan bintang.

Kamu masih menggambar?

Aku janji aku masih menulis, kalau saja kamu bertanya. 

Oiya, K

Jaga kesehatan, jangan lupa mandi.

[deastonishing]

06032021

Dear, K

Hello little prince, how’s your day recently? Mine? It was getting better, I guess? Or perhaps it’s because I have a weekend break. And I pause a lot of routines to just lie down, walking, sight seeing the sky, listening to the old world sparrow every morning, breathing, putting less attention on my phone, cooking, taking a bath, watching movies, and thinking about our old days. Are you still drawing? Or making beads bracelets? Or have you seen the sky? Oh, I just never not miss you.

Have I told you? That these days I'm into fragrance (again) it’s been a while since i finally got some comfort in scent. Every scent brings their own memory, I sometimes stop using one significant fragrance when a scary thing pops up in my head. And I sometimes dauntlessly use one significant fragrance when it brought your presence more than I could make it to just hold your hands. You’re not even close to peppermint nor sandalwood, but those two only remind me about no one, no thing, except you. It’s wonderful right? When you listen to a song you can make it whatever you want it to be, it doesn’t matter what the lyrics say. So does the fragrance, it could be whatever we wanted it to be, we can be so much mellow if we smells like bergamot, we can be the happiest when we sniff damask rose, we can be a little kids when we clothed with salt water breeze, we can be a lover when we danced our neck with smoky musk wood. The perfumer needs more credit, right?

You must be wondering (or maybe not) of what thing comes up along with your face sails to my night dream once I whiffed peppermint candy on my pillow.

It was the day, when you unintentionally made me confess. Remember the night, when you barely can sleep? When you drove yourself to my house and went straight to my room, wander around to kill your boredom only to find out my lyrics book. And you asked me, who’s the lucky guy? And whether I have a crush? And there was no single word from my mouth for you to figure out by my weary and shaky eyes while looking at yours. And you said sorry for making me confess, and I said I'm okay since it’s not like I jumped to the wallow and covered my body with mud for falling in love with my bestest friends. 

‘Have you ever thought? By the time being, we can go to another city, being suffocated by things, having a heartbreak. And when we’re older, find our way back to our hometown, realize that it was us all along, K’

‘Believe me, I've thought about that so many times. If we’re not special, probably that how our lives would go’

‘We’re special?’

‘We’re special’

‘K, tell me something you’ve never told to me before’

‘Before I walk through the door, I adore you, I do’

Even until this time. What did you mean by that, do we have a chance? Or do we have not at all since the beginning? But for sure, we don’t lose each other, either these weird feelings. A longing to be the only one who's allowed to shield the stories, desires, despairs, under your coat. 

You love me too, K

In the amount of love to exceed the form of bravery. But, this definition of brave which  you’re the one can understand.

Peppermint and sandalwood should be refreshing and sweet, but this memory was strangely defined.

Have a good day, K.

I’ll see you again.

[deastonishing]

05032021

I'd be the most selfish human in the universe, because I am in love with you, like, on an exaggerated level.

I miss you

[deastonishing]

04032021

Last night I dreamt about you.  You were standing there at the front of my couch before the door, all smiley with those crescent eyes painted at your face. Your giggles were all around brimming my sanctuary. Your curly hair lavishly lies behind your ears, you gorgeous with black shirt and baggy jeans. You offered a hug, I ran hastily onto you. I felt my body wrapped with warm vanilla swirl instantly, and the most fascinating sound when I could hear your heart beating with ode. For just one night, I wanted to fall asleep forever, to never let my skin taste another thing unless neverland.  To live in your arms, to breath only your scent, to listen to the lullaby that only you could sew.

This world when I opened my eyes was so scary, this world when I started to put my shoes on was so dreadful, this world when I woke up not with you was such a grievous law.

Come again tonight, 

I pleaded,

Dance with me again,

So the next morning, I can hum to the apple tree with the sunlight tickling my feet.

I miss you, buttercup.

[deastonishing]

03032021

Yesterday I missed you to an extent level. I wish you were there holding my hands and telling me to be bold as everything is going to be nothing but fine. And, I will only do a great thing, just like you. And how you manage your presence to bolster me, how I can be quite strong in any way and when I'm home, I can just lay my head on you.

Must've been tiring for you

You've been doing a lot of thing too

When things going back to its trail, lets go to see the beach

Well, I can't stay longer at the beach? You knew it

We won't stay longer, because sunrise should run the clouds too. You love it when it's yellow right?

Exactly, and build a sandcastle

Definitely, yes!

I miss you too

I miss you, in every music I listen to, in every book I read, in every movie I watch.

Ps:

I'll be dreaming of our little sandcastle life

Where we'll never get hurt and never die

And our eyes will refuse to let us cry

No one gets hurt and no one dies

And your tears are scared of leaving your eyes

[deastonishing]

02032021

Dear, K

Birds and bees are here again, butterflies and those pesky little ants are coming to marguerite. Even though my love gives constant reassurement, and my heart becomes so full as Christmas baggage every time he's around. 

But,

 

springs will come soon, and I can't begin it without you.

Come back to me

I miss you

[deastonishing]

01032021

Dear, K

Morning little prince, I guess I truly am a morning person since I can pull my senses back only after the morning breeze touches my skin and while the bird starts humming and when my plants tilt back to the sunrise.  So here I am sitting at the edge of my bed like a honeysuckle bathing beneath sun rays.

Yesterday I woke up with ache covering all my body, God, my neck, my arms, all in pain since the last night before I had to stand up and supervise my work at the field. Also the thing that happened has put me to sleep in the late hour. I went to work the next morning like a zombie, couldn’t think straight, sleep deprived. But at the end of the day when all my team gathered up to have small daily evening talks before we went straight to our home, I felt a bit energised. You know, it was nice to listen to people’s laughter, to watch their smile, to hear their random stories, I meant, maybe it’s them, it could be different if they were other people. I knew that we weren’t be together forever since we had a dynamic work for whole, but to cherish them here, to turn their energy to energised me, to appreciate their little affection, i just realised that all we need is to open our heart and stop putting our expectation to people, because love would find us eventually. And when we have to part ways, we would have a lot of beautiful memories to look back on, to make our heart warm when everything is so cold, to make us believe when everything seems turned back on us.

I hope you have good compassion there, K. I know you already have. Since you're a good man, you’ll be surrounded by lovely souls too. I hope even though we're in the hard times, we could still find some little thing to make us feel loved, feel less lonely, feel hope. By seeing the sky maybe? Or missing me? Hahahaha no kidding tho. But, yesterday my favorite band that I said to you I always listen to, has made a small casual meeting with fans through live since a long time, ahhh i was so happy, like so happy, i wanted to run to you and share this energy with you. Also, you know, ehm, my man, hahahaha, i miss him so much (yes, i miss you too, just don’t be jealous, he’s my man tho) i mean, hahaha he looks so good and i miss him and you know. Ahhhh, he always like this summer breeze, just a little hai from him success to painted a smile in my face the whole night, i mean to the point i have energy to worked out and did a (lowkey) ballet, after forever since i'm so tired and just straight to sleep .

You love him so much, but I'm the one who gets written in your special diary? I’m still winning, tho

It was different!

Explain?

You know!

I don’t?

Arrrgghh, i love him so much

Don’t you love me, more?

NO, IT'S DIFFERENT, K

Hahahahaha, I knew.

Stop teasing me!

You love him so much, huh?

You don’t even have any idea

Lovebirds. I love it, when we can stay for each other like this

Me too!

I hope he don’t mind

He would never mind, he loves you

Me? Ofcourse 

And i love you too

I knew?

Yes it means i love you more, isn’t it?

It isn’t?

It’s definitely a YES

HAHHAHAHA

Woah, i hope today gotta be great to you and me, us, all of us. Love you, K

Here my favorite picture of yours today

Also a bonus, hahaha you should see my man too

😒😒😒

Just get used to it!

😏😏😏

Whatever, here:

I love you, i'll see you tonight. 🖤 bye bye bye 🍓🐞☁️

[deastonishing]

28022021

Dear, K

This morning I woke up at 4 am, and procrastinated cause I miss you so much. Until I randomly decided to take a bath and dressed up, I went about 45 kms to my (not so) favorite coffee shop in the west city nearby. I had some good food yet my heart still felt empty, at least I’ve tried, right. After that i got an emergency call from my office to rushly stand on the field as a bad thing happened (yes, i can't sleep after this and had to go through some investigation) to think about this, we really are soulmates, aren’t we? I told myself so many times be bold, be bold, be bold. It wasn’t that helpful but hey, i’m here. I don’t know what it’d follow with, but I can do this right, K? We can go through this, right? You and me. Us

Oh, one more thing. This was so funny, I finally bought your perfume but I bought the different series hahahah I should have magnolia instead gardenia on my chart along with rose splendida, but hahaha. I can imagine how you react if you’re with me.

That’s not new

No, I thought I chose the right one? I mean look! The box has the same pattern?

The box has the description shown above?

I knew

But? It’s you, it’s just predictable

Hahahah

anyway , Ki

Hmm?

If this is you, if this is kiya, you can conquer everything

And so do you, if this is you, if this is Kelana, you can overcome everything

Ahhhhhh, how I miss you right now so much. Enough for today. I’ll see you tonight, K

Here my favorite picture of you today, i love you

Ps: this should be posted last night, huft your anxious little fairy didn't even have energy to turn on the data. But, hey i hope you're okay there. We. Us. I love you (again)

[deastonishing]

Train to hometown stories

Day 1

Day 2

Day 3

Day 4

Day 5

Day 6

Day 7

Day 8

[deastonishing]

Hi Olivia

Hi Olivia

I spent my youth sitting at the tip of your bed, with a bottle of macchiato on my hand to keep me awake if you need one sober soul to hold you from your nightmare. The dim of your room, the bad humidity, the soaked blanket and your ramble as your fever got high. The turmoil I had every morning to run through every name on my cell phone, asked them the best prescription for your ashen lips and sallow eyes. I spent my youth for you olivia, i couldn’t recalled myself a memory where i dance at the bar with group of friends or where i went to lunch with tuna sandwich in the box at wisteria garden with boyfriend. 

Instead it’s all your memories buried with you, you have everything you’ve always wanted every time God granted my wish to give back the luminescence from the moon to your face. You used to tell me I was strong, so I decided to be strong as you left with the boy who didn’t buy a penny to care for you. 

I thought you would hear my stolen lullabies forever, or at least when I have my child with me. 

Feels like last night we built a dream of living together then they’ve started to envied us for what we had. Now, it’s been four years since the last fight in winter under the city light, when your tongues burnt of hot tea as your heart boiled the tears to become a stream of ripple. 

I heard from friends that you’re happy now.

My bodies still shivering to the memory of where you left me alone, yes, when the time i was frail. Like today, your face hovering again at my dream.

Hi olivia, I wish you never told me I was born to be strong.

[deastonishing]

We fixed each other

I forgot when the last time I used my hands to weave the sound of my soul into letters. The last time that stunned me forever. Then one day I stopped at a coffee shop by nine, found my reflection flickered in your eyes, clothed with fear and grief. To meet you multiple times standing beside the tall cafe window bathed in honeysuckles morning sun.

Now your number at my phone dialed as the four letters started with L ended with E. My reflection slowly became joy and comfort quivered in your eyes, clouds with forever skies and strawberry night. 

We fixed each other,

you said.

To love is to attend millions farewell of who we were. 

[deastonishing]

To his favorite lady

On the one mild summer when I trailed the scent of peony and musk, she passed me the breeze beneath the hymns of church bells jangle the bones. First time I laid my eyes to the sunshine on her face, built me a sanctuary inside the honey locust tree of my stomach. I’ve walked around the earth before her name tastes so much like strawberry jam arranged over my mother’s galley. 

I have been taught to be complete only with the seashell that had wilted me, divided by the sunlight to glint back it’s beauty. Until I saw the moonbeams hanging in the corners of her eyes. It asks nothing…..nothing like the creases on my hand but pressed it with the breath of tulips in her palm, nothing like the weary under my eyes  but painted it with twenty petals on the green hills to her grasp. She never asks me to stop by nine and watch the grass grow at the countryroad, she never has a blue basket of wisteria embellished the trunks. She only gave the peacefulness sank into the blushing cheeks of pinkish rays.

I thought I was complete. Until she held my hands and walked me to the garden of flowerbeds. She offered me apple pie, harvested me to go down on my knee, promising hope and life. I looked to her as the tarnished orange fell, rolled down to the grassy banks. I wish we shone and wizen together, because you’ve made me into this man.

You’re all that i needed completing my world

You are my love, my life, my beginning

[deastonishing]

Excuses

Winter season is about to depart, the breeze arrives before his empty hands. I drove around his blocks multiple times with a thin turtleneck bodied me, nothing shivered than the pinprick piercing my palm after I broke my own promise doubled in a circle I've been doing all night. Now he sat in front of me, holding his breath as he knocked chamomile tea from the coffee table. The agony drowned me with only two pairs of emotion, fear and grief. He was sweet and calming and dissonant and angry and difficult and simple and safe and storm and sound and thunder. And I was a beacon, waiting for him to send the signal to sail or to keep the anchor rippled under the brine.

Stars streaked with gleaming gold and rose stained, smelling like age whine only for the hinterlander to sip in. His voice fights against the misty night, saying that he has no verdict to measure the aberration. Even the truth is one millisecond upon my lips, ready to tie chains to my ankle and throw myself under a weeping willow where I was perfectly hidden beneath the marrow. 

‘What if I lose your grips?’

‘You won’t, never will’

I prefer he scream, a soft lullabies to hardcore metal. Cradle the mourners without rafters. Wove the word to the meanest stanzas. But he was a swan, bestowed with a graceful mind to accord in the midst of hassle.  

The tears blooming to the corner of my eyes, my hands became stiff to grasp his finger, fire crust hit my lungs to dry, but you’re there sitting strangely at peace with the bitterness. The crack of a window shattering roared in my ears and locked myself in the emptiness until the tears have run dry as your lips turned to cotton, pressing my lips, nurturing, overing, forgiving. The taste of chamomile mingles and mixes with caffeine, tainted it like the silver of my silk. Eyes shapired and icy stares disclosed to abolish the taste of the latest brush I’ve had the last time I broke the promise. A huge mistake, an enormous condone. 

and for the boy whose brushed lips behind the rusted volkswagen at the airport park, told him you loved him then took it back at the first swing of my fist.

[deastonishing]

Dear; Name

When will you call?

To go with the flow