Drabbles by Susan
It’s been a while.
“It… hurts… Daddy please…”
“I know, sweetie. I know…” His emerald eyes squinted as his face contorted into a grimace. It was so hard to watch her; every day she battled within herself. Every day it was as if her mind and soul were trying to tear themselves in half. He couldn’t count how many nights he had woken up to her screams.
Hel’s small body convulsed in his lap as her hair and eyes flashed from dark to light. She spasmed, altering back and forth between cries of agony and low, pitiful whimpers. Her cheeks were blotchy and red from crying. She reached her tiny hands out to him weakly, gripping his cloak in an effort to ground herself in this pain. He clutched her close to his chest, willing this pain to disappear.
In between spasms, she looked up at him. “Daddy… I’m sorry.”
Brushing her hair out of his face gently with his gloved hand, his brow furrowed. “What are you apologizing for, my dear?”
“I’m sorry… I’m sorry-ah!” An intense transformation struck her, and her head lurched back violently. “I’m sorry that I was born… all you do is take care of me… take care of a monster…”
Loki’s face softened. “Now why would you ever think that? You’re not a monster!” he chuckled. “You are my daughter. You are beautiful. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Both sides of you are unique and wondrous in their own way.” He wiped away her tears as she sniffled.
“But the dark part… it scares me Daddy! I don’t want to be like that!” she cried.
He smirked. “Everyone has two sides to them. You just show it a bit more… literally!” She gave him a questioning look with her puffy red eyes. “Nobody is all good or all evil. And accepting the evil part of you doesn’t make you any less good. Recognizing that helps you live with it.” He paused to think for a moment, his lips pursing in a contemplative frown. “Being a little evil helps, you know? It lets you appreciate the goodness within you even more. It makes you doubt things. If everything was good all the time, people would trust everything blindly. Being a little bad lets you question things.” His soft smile grew wider as he cradled his daughter in his arms. She was sniffling a little less now as she listened intently to him.
“Everybody… has a little bit of evil?” she inquired meekly with a slight tilt of her head.
Loki nodded, still smiling. He noticed her spasms had decreased in frequency. “Daddy especially.” He lifted her up in his arms and stood, walking towards her room. “Did I ever tell you about the time I rolled Freya’s robes in catnip and raw meat?” She shook her head, even more bewildered now. He cackled. “Couldn’t do that if I was always a goody-two-shoes now could I? Come on, I’ll tell you the story while we tuck you back into bed…”
Everyone needs a reminder once in a while that we’re not perfect. There are good and bad aspects to all of us, and the only way to love ourselves is to accept the coexistence of both. It’s so easy to get lost in the negativity in a world that stresses perfection and all the good things. It makes you feel like you’re not worthy. That, because of all these negative things that *you* have but that you don’t necessarily see in other people, you aren’t as good or as deserving.
I’ve been gone from this blog for a while because I was lost in this negativity. I’ve had a lot of things going on mentally, whether it’s struggling with gaining weight and my body image or feeling like I’m too moody or too much for other people to deal with. I’ve been flinching or totally shutting down whenever someone seems even slightly annoyed with me, because I felt like I wasn’t worth people’s time. I was starting to only see the bad, and it scared me. I didn’t want to accept my flaws. I just wanted to get rid of them. Only recently did I realize that accepting my flaws is the first step to loving myself and becoming a better person.
I hope this message helps someone else out there who might be experiencing something similar. You’re not alone. Everyone is flawed… but online, you often only see the good things. It’s easy to compare yourself to that and get yourself down. But I promise you. You’re not alone.
