Surviving IKEA
Never enter near closing hours.
Do not mispronounce IKEA product names. What you summon will haunt you.
Do not trust the arrows.
Walls shift and new ones appear out of nowhere.
Avoid, at any cost, staying after closing hours.
Do not ask employees for directions to the exit. Most of them have been trapped inside the building ever since they signed the contract. These once happy and good people have grown spiteful. Do not trust them. They want you to stay.
Make the bed after trying it out. It makes them less angry.
In case you are trapped:
Find John. He has lived in the store for six years, unnoticed.
Avoid eye contact with employees roaming around.
Hide whenever possible.
The ghost families living in the showrooms wonât betray you.
Do not steal any pencils. It will give away your position.
Avoid walking through the bed area. The creatures sleeping there wonât appreciate your presence.
When music from the 30s starts blasting through the speakers, Walter, the handyman, has noticed you and wants to drive his screwdriver through your ear.
Run.
He often shouts jokes chasing you followed by the laughter of IKEA personnel echoing throughout the store. Never let your guard down.
Open as many wardrobes as you can. Some of them are magic portals. Pray that you find one in time before he finds you.
Only go through a portal when absolutely necessary. What you find on the other side is often not pleasant.
If there is no other option, try pronouncing the name of the IKEA furniture closest to you. The ground will start to shake. Prepare yourself for the worst.
More guides
When driving long hours alone
How to confess to your crush
If you are a researcher or adventurer and want to share a guide, join our subreddit!
