Feelings;

Expressing my never ending feelings through writing

[deciphermywords]

It's swallowing me up again, the feeling of despair engulfs me. With emotions cannot be contained; I thought of it again. A thought that was once surpressed for it will cause trouble for everyone.

A time where wallowing is not a choice but comes freely; where it is not invited but is there, these emotions that run deep in to me, bursting without warning. It's a boiling pot of emotions, one that cannot be stopped.

I'll close it up again after I leak some of it for a man can only contain certain amount of emotions, I have to slip some out and wait for it to be filled again. The cycle continues.

[deciphermywords]

Overlooked

Without a warning it started to eat him up, it felt like a fire that started to consume him. A small ignition from an incoherent event triggered it and ignited the cinder that has long been subdued -or so he thought.

Deep within him there are still wounds that are not fully healed, waiting to be opened up again. This wound has multiple scars all around it from being opened up to many times, for trying to heal itself using different methods and practices. It would probably be better to leave it as is and feel the pain again but how many times does he have to endure this? How many times does he have to put up with it? When will he be healed?

He, who have always cried for help but no one seems to notice - the young boy who is always smiling. An event that is not stereotypical of him is dismissed for it does not conform to the facade he put up. Could you help him?

[deciphermywords]

That time when I let other people control my life

As a person who've grown so much to love the company of other people, I pretty much depended on another person for enjoyment. For example, I don't eat alone, I always have asked other people to accompany me when going in to restaurants or just for a simple lunch and I enjoyed it to an extent that when I eat alone I feel like a loser. I mean, it is great to have someone by your side to talk to you, to laugh at your jokes and to simply listen to you but as I got older I realized something, I realized that at some point no one is gonna be there for you but yourself.

In my group of friends we have this unspoken rule and it goes like "You have to be the first one to reach out, we'll wait for you to talk to us and we will figure something out after that." and for me this is a great rule, it gives everyone space to figure things out on their own and if you are ready talk then they will help out but it gets messy at some point. It gets messy when no one is reaching to one another, it's like a wall put up and no one is going to put it down first in order to communicate and talk things over.

I realized how toxic it was when slowly I stopped communicating with them. It's a choice that I made when I felt like a piece of shit and my mental health is really in a bad place. I was so insecure on what is happening in my life because everyone's having a job, they are enjoying their work and they have found new set of friends. I felt like I was stuck in the past and can't move on with my life while they have clearly moved on. Slowly, it became hard talking with them and being with them. They talk about work and their salaries and how toxic some of their workmates while here I am, a potato, whose life is stuck and don't know what to do about it. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for them, for what they have accomplished but I felt like I am not part of that chapter in their life and it saddens me.

I waited weeks for someone to reach out but alas the rule remains, unscathed and unbothered. I slowly learned to enjoy things all by myself. I started eating at my favorite restaurants alone then I moved on to going to a park alone and slowly I became bolder with my activities and went to a museum, watched in a movie theater and went to a trip. It feels really good, being able to do things on your own.

It is empowering to be independent and to do things alone but there is a saying that "No man is an island". I will talk to them soon enough to tell my stories and adventures while they are away, catch up with them, but for now I will enjoy my time alone. Afterall, you just cannot let other people control your life, be someone who will not be tied down because you are alone, love yourself with or without company and you will be happy.

[deciphermywords]

I feel alone, in the darkest night filled with bright young stars whose light cut deep in to me. I am alone on a friday night without anyone to talk to. I was alone, I was never with anybody else and it will always be just me and myself. Alone today and forever will always be. Was I alone or am I lonely?

I feel lonely, on the darkest hour of the night where the city lights reflects you in the dark alley. I am lonely inside, screaming but nobody seems to notice. I was lonely, yet I wasn’t able to process this until now. Lonely at this time and will continuously be. I was never alone but I am lonely. 

[deciphermywords]

on/OFF

It was just like a switch. Suddenly I was more better after 5 minutes. I just have to breathe and disregard my feelings again.

It was a history that was repeated. I knew that the probability of this happening is high but there is a twinkling of light in my heart that this will not happen. A little light in my heart hoping that this is just me overthinking again but alas, who am I even kidding? I am delusional.

“You don’t share your thoughts again, you are mature enough to tell me your thoughts” - she said. I was holding my breath with my tears. How can I even talk? I was multitasking modulating my voice and holding my tears so that everything seems to be cool and just alright.

I am disappointed at myself for expecting something that is not even attainable. I don’t know if I am sad or I am just feeling numb.

Do I deserve this? I was doing everything here being a good person and  student, I am even a responsible one. I just need a prize, you beside me holding my diploma, after all it is my achievement. When will I be able to share a moment with you. 

[deciphermywords]

I realized that it is you who I want to spend the rest of my life with and I hope you will never get tired of me. I love you.

[deciphermywords]

Words

I wanted to escape the fake bliss around me.

“I’ve always reacted on little things that should not be made big of a deal and the vulgar words that they throw at me, say to me, resonates on my ears like fear that creeps inside you everytime you turn off the lights.”

It was a stranger, someone whom i’ve never met before said that to me, a boho perhaps, that has a magic crystal ball who can see everything that you do to others. Apparently he is right, that is what I feel right now but then I thought i’ve also said a lot of ‘not so good’ jokes that violeted some of the people close to me, maybe they felt violated in some way but then come to think of it I was not the only person here who offended someone.

In this society we all commit this sin, saying those vulgar and offensive things to others, it was like a normal part of our life but what we don’t know everyone deals with it, they deal with everything you say even tho you said it was a joke, that person will ask himself or herself “am i ugly?” or “do i look like a trash” maybe these one will sound familiar “do I look so fat?”. Even tho you said that it was a joke people are too emotional and even if you laugh it off yourself you can’t help but think about it, when you’re alone.

Today I guess, I went overboard and offended someone and I justified it as a joke. Is it justified already? I believe the answer is NO, this does not justify what I’ve said and it will never be and I’ve learned my lesson now that we should always be careful on what we say.

They say that “truth hurts” but just like what Thumper's Dad said in the Bambi movie “ If you’ve got nothing nice to say, don’t say it at all” and just like what my teacher in highschool said “words are sharper than knife”.

8

[deciphermywords]

True Friends

Alam mo kung true friend ka talaga isusupport mo kami sa mga plano namin di yung ikaw pa yung unang nangdidiscourage. Lol

[deciphermywords]

It used to be just a story.

I thought this is just a story, never thought that it could happen. I do not know that this time will come, I was naively thinking everything is normal. I love you, we love you. Please come back, everything will be normal again. Hold us tight, we suffered too much. You suffered also, let us heal, let's all heal from the past that ruined us. I'am in deep pain, we are in deep pain. We miss you, I miss us, don't you? I'am tired, I need you, we need you. Hug me like It's the first time and never let go of me - of us. Let's go out, just like we did before. Don't you miss us? Do you miss us? Let's seat and have a good time just like before. Come back to me, come back to us.

[deciphermywords]

The End

20 minutes before 2016 ends yet I cannot feel any of it, Unlike the others who enjoyed their time pouring their hearts out on a videoke or lighting up a “lusis” or enjoying the mini games with their grand relatives reunion. Others like my parents get to celebrate their holidays abroad while some percent of the population gets to spend their holidays alone.

As you can see, I’am celebrating my New Year here in my aunt’s house and I’am thankful to them for letting me celebrate with them but then something hit me, I just missed the times where we would celebrate this new year in our own house, together with mom and dad and my siblings; I just missed the times when we get to hug each other after we went to the church and say our I love you’s.

This year I tried to sleep it off, but  I guess I can’t escape the reality that I’am alone again for the Nth time, I’am here awake and listening to the boisterous event of the year, in a dark room, alone.

12:00 AM Happy New Year!

[deciphermywords]

Angel Beats!

When I hear people going crazy over Anime I always felt like they were over reacting, not that I judge them, but they sounded weird; for me atleast but when I watched Anohana, an anime that has a plot about friendship, I had a change of heart and started to watch more and more. A friend of mine gave me different anime series to watch and one of them is Angel Beats! It was good so I watched more on more, I thought it was just a simple story about youngsters who battles with someone but I was wrong; there was a deeper plot twist along the way. Angel Beats! is a story where youngsters go to a place when they die, the youngsters have a dream that was not fullfilled when they were alive or they have regrets and wish to do something better with theirselves. The characters here have an awful life, some were paralyzed, some witnessed her sister and brother killed, some lost voices and all they want to change this path. (enough of spoilers for those who have not watched it, hahaha) Anyway, I was rewatching it and I can't help myself but cry again for the regrets that the characters show, because it is happening in reality. I myself have some regrets that were not fullfiled and this anime really opens your mind to do everything you can to catch your dreams, to not lose hope on what is happening to you and to do what makes you happy. I can't help myself and I just need to vent out this depression that I feel. I wonder if there something like this in afterlife, will there be a place for us to fulfill our dreams, desire and regrets? Could we have that luxury to do something that we have not done while we are alive? Or we could end up, even after we die, regreting those dreams that we have not chased.

[thepersonalquotes]

[deciphermywords]

...

[thequotejournals]

I didn’t need you, you idiot. I picked you. And then you picked me back.

John Green, Paper Towns (via thequotejournals)

[deciphermywords]

Untitled

I am falling deep in the cold water where warmth is never heard and light never passed through, where pain is evident and darkness is seen, where excruciating pain is known but happiness seems not to exist. I'm falling. Slowly, my grip starts to loose and I don't know what to do.

[deciphermywords]

Real State

What others don’t know I am a person who strives hard to be on top of everyone who covers myself with my fake identity because I always see myself as a person who hides his real feelings and emotions; like a snail who hides itself in a hard surface but in fact it is soft, sensitive and fragile. I always put a strong bond with others, being friendly and admirable because I find myself as a weak person that cannot stand on his own because he needs others to push him on top. I cannot conquer my own battles nor stand against the battles of life without somebody on my side because I am weak and always wanted to hide on the back of the strong ones. I’ve always wanted someone to see me as a fragile expensive glass that not everyone can hold, a glass full of cracks and that would break easily any moment if you grip too hard on it. I wanted others to see me as a delicate flower on a wide range plantation of plants that would die any moment if you remove it in it’s place. 

They see me as a happy go lucky person but in fact I ‘am a person who cries himself to sleep thinking on my problems and insecurities; but despite those I also ponder on how I could make everyone happy without letting them see what my problems are. I am not a strong person nor independent because deep down in my inner self I ‘am looking for someone else to see me as a fragile type of person who’s deep down there a lonely soul who is full of anguish and agony that needs attention, care and love from others. 

I believe that I am a big colorful hard rock that has a black core and has a hard surface enough to defy things that could shook it away or break it and put a crack on it; but deep down I’ve always hoped and prayed for someone to stand in front of me, look at me with awe and sadness because that someone sees that this rock has something else behind it, that that is not his real state and there more to be seen on that rock and finally that someone would break me in to pieces, to see that after all it is not just a big colorful hard rock but a rare gemstone that would shine and taken care by someone.

[deciphermywords]

YOUTH

I’ve always believed in miracles and I wish that that miracle will be me going back to the past and change myself for the better. How I wish there is a machine that could go back in time; I would probably say to my younger self that you should stop being insecure about yourself and open up to everyone, say everything you like and whatever you want to do and I would also tell myself to enjoy the simple things that you have in your life or maybe give some advice about life and the choices that you will make. 

I always believed that my decisions are perfect but as I contemplate on things every night before I sleep, I always ended up saying that I messed up big time. I cannot think of a single night where I said to myself that It is the best decision I’ve ever made, but who knows right? I was just a 16 year old teen who is driven by making decisions based on emotions who felt emptiness and loneliness inside of him; who knows that I would turn out like this? A smoker, bisexual, insecure, always mad, or who what others think of me or say in my back. There is no fucking way that I would know this stuff ahead of time.

I’ve wasted my youth chasing fake stars and dreams, getting shattered in the end; falling and no one’s there to catch me, like a deep endless well without anything but darkness. 

11:15 AM, PH

[deciphermywords]

One of the greatest gift that you can have is friends. Friends that will care and will always be there.