Still Fragile...
Hope 2021 is treating you well! A lot has happened since December 2020 and I have taken time to process it. I have taken time to be with family and friends. I have taken time for lots of things. When I was younger, I used writing and blogging as an outlet to state how I felt or what happened during my day. There were times i wished I didn’t use blogging or writing when I should have like when my grandparents passed away, when I was diagnosed with asthma, and other experience. This time, I am going to open up and just rewind back in time. I recently got out of a toxic relationship, so the next few posts will be me unloading my emotions and fears.
I matched with (let’s name him Ho) Ho on Hinge. I enjoyed our two weeks of conversation, but I knew it would be a challenge mostly because 1.Ho has a child from a previous relationship. 2. It was a long distance relationship. I knew revealing to my family that I was dating someone with a child from a previous relationship could break ties or hurt our relationships and indeed it did with my eldest sister. The decision was mine, but I did tell my closest friends. Ho and I made it official and it was a new and different relationship. Unfortunately, in November 2019 his father lost his battle with lung cancer just days after our relationship began. I made an impromptu visit to find Ho deep into New Jersey with no car or sense of direction. After much arguments and etc. I found him and he gave me a promise ring to give me assurance that we would be stuck together.
The worst of the pandemic hit us financially, mentally, and emotionally. I felt unsafe in the city I called home, so out of anxiety and worry, I asked if I could live with him and part of his family during the pandemic until things were better. Of course, my family was sad and also happy that I made that decision because New Jersey was a lot safer at the time then New York. So, I made a big jump into New Jersey. A week after lockdown, I was offered a full-time job as a social media marketing coordinator for a firm that I interviewed with just 2 weeks before my birthday and lockdown. It was the greatest opportunity to have.
I worked and worked through the pandemic and through the year. I slowly realized that my relationship with Ho was not what I imagined. We saw each other everyday and he eventually went back to work in May which I was glad, but it meant less time for each other. However, I started seeing things that weren’t normal and different - barely sitting down to eat with each other, him not wanting to eat what I make and I am a pretty damn cook, barely doing anything together unless it was with family. Around end of August, I had made a visit back to NYC to see my friends and just because I had a week off and it was the first time for me going away from Ho. He would call me at times to see how I was doing, how was my trip, and that he missed me. When I came back he was so happy to see me again and things were going well. It was in October 2020 when I noticed a drastic downfall of things and red flags. To be continued.
