girls of potter.

"if i be waspish, best beware of my sting." The ladies of Harry Potter reimagined from a three-dimensional, feminist point of view.

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[deeperdarkerkind]

PANSY.

Twelve is not too young to fall in love. She knows, despite how unlikely, that she has been in love since at least Second Year. But even she didn’t call it that at the time. She barely even calls it love now. The word is too big, too scary, but most importantly too soft for her, and especially for him.

Pansy is raised believing that she can have anything she wants, obstacles or restrictions be damned. Her confidence and money always made her popular, and Hogwarts proves to be no different. Subsequently, she becomes a bully to those she deems beneath her.

She could be nice enough is she was happy enough. Unfortunately for everyone around her, she’s not.

Her father is never around and her mother may as well be on another planet. Being at Hogwarts is like being at a sanctuary, safe from her careless parents who spoiled her when she was younger but soon began to neglect her. Even though she’s sure they no longer care for her, something they imparted in her still remains: whatever she wants, she gets.

This has never been a problem before. Draco Malfoy, however, is a problem. He’s not warm towards anyone and he barely talks to the girls in their House. But he shows Pansy the slightest bit of attention, and that’s it. She’s completely head over heels. What people didn’t seem to know was how smart he was, how creative and hard-working. It isn’t until Fourth Year when they go to the Yule Ball together that he kisses her. Finally, she thinks, we’ll be a real couple.

Not for the last time, she’s wrong.

So he’s her best friend. She’s the only one, for a long time, that he feels comfortable opening up to. He’s affectionate with her, but only because there’s such a strong sense of familiarity between them. It’s not love for him but for her, she’s doesn’t know how it couldn’t be. He has to return her feelings eventually, because she has nowhere else to put hers.

At first she hates Harry and his friends on Draco’s behalf, but soon she can’t stand them all on her own. Harry got lucky as a baby and now he’s hailed as a hero? Weasley’s so terrible at basic spells and magical concepts she’s not sure why he even bothers anymore. And everything about Granger rubs her the wrong way. Pansy, surely, is just as smart as Hermione, she’s simply not obnoxious about it. 

She’s jealous of Hermione, and not just because on her first real date with Draco, even he can’t seem to keep his eyes off of their inferior classmate. It’s as if nobody has ever seen a girl in a dress before.

Pansy herself was wearing also wearing a dress, also pink, but nobody spared her a second glance.

The worst thing they do is insult her looks. It’s so boring, too. Can’t they think of anything just the tiniest bit clever? Usually she brushes them aside, because she’s prettier than most of the girls in their year, but one day she gets a letter from her mother wishing her a happy birthday. She had already gotten over the fact that they’d forgotten her sixteenth, which had passed a month ago, but this just adds insult to injury.

Maybe they hadn’t forgotten and her mother simply couldn’t be bothered to send any kind of acknowledgement until now. Either way, it’s not fair. She reads the letter in the Great Hall over breakfast, and when one of Potter’s friends doles out a cheap crack at her appearance a few hours later, she storms away angrily, hot tears scorching her cheeks. Pansy doesn’t expect anyone to come after her -- her female friends in particular know not to mess with her when she’s in a mood.

But then she hears footsteps and it’s Draco. He drapes an arm around her shoulder and pulls her in close, his lips against her ear when he reassures her that it’ll be okay.

And because it’s him, she almost believes it.

Draco is officially Voldemort’s to control and suddenly Dumbledore is dead and Snape has forcibly taken over the school. While Pansy pretends that this is exactly the sort of outcome she has always wanted, it’s a lie. She must be a terrific actress because nobody suspects how terrified she is. Hogwarts is hardly about education now and if she had a real family she could turn to, she might not have come back for her Seventh Year.

Part of why she bothered was for Draco, but he’s different. He’s hesitant to say why, always answering her questions vaguely and he’s prone to angry outbursts more than ever before. He’s always had a short temper, but not like this and not with her. But even without his admittance, she knows exactly what’s wrong.

When Harry returns and Voldemort asks for him in return for their safety, what choice does she have? She just wants to go home, even if Hogwarts was always her real home. It’s not safe anymore and she’s not willing to die for a war she has no part in.

She suggests they follow Voldemort’s demands and not a single person agrees with her. Suddenly there are dozens of wands trained on her, as if she’s the bad guy. Hadn’t Harry led this battle to Hogwarts? Wasn’t Voldemort’s grudge against him? Inexplicably, all of Slytherin is made to leave, but she can’t even find it in herself to feel outraged or embarrassed.

For a brief moment all she feels is relief. Then she sees Draco slip away from the group and it all seems so hopeless, no matter what happens.

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Take me back Give it up, give it up to me Cause I can’t go on If your love isn’t strong

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[deeperdarkerkind]

LAVENDER.

She doesn’t have a way with words. Even though she loves talking (in fact, she could spend hours in conversation, if someone would only give her the chance) she isn’t good at explaining how she feels. It’s unfair considering she feels so much. Lavender is especially bad at defending herself. This is part of why she hates arguing -- that and her propensity to tear up when yelled at.

Despite her sensitivities, she’s awfully good at ignoring criticism. She’s heard her fellow classmates refer to her as a ditz or a gossip, only one of which is really true. Lavender likes keeping up on things around school. How will she know how to act around someone if she doesn’t know whether they’ve broken up with their significant other of not? All that mattes is that Parvati will always want to hear what she has to say, no matter how “shallow” it may be.

What nobody seems to understand is that she has feelings, you know. And even though she feels adrift without a constant stream of gossip either finding her ears or leaving her mouth, she has no malicious intent. The fact that she’s mocked or judged as being judgmental herself hurts. She doesn’t care about being liked, she just wants to be hated for a good reason.

Even though she has a reputation for being vapid, she still manages to carve out a few meaningful friendships at school. Not all of them last beyond her younger years, but she appreciates them for as long as she has them. Seamus asks her to the Yule Ball during Fourth Year and becomes one of her closest friends, even if the chance of any romance was doomed from the start.

She knows now that boys can be friends just as easily as they can be boyfriends, but that doesn’t stop her from wanting one desperately. It’s not as if she chose to be a hopeless romantic. Despite being a pureblood, she’s read too many trashy romance novels and wants to know if the scenarios so carefully detailed on the pages of her favorite muggle books can actually take place in reality. Maybe it’s different for muggles than it is for wizards? She doesn’t think so, though.

Sure, she was doubtful at first, but who wasn’t? Besides Harry and his gang, of course, but she isn’t privy to all the things they know. After a little while, she decides to believe Harry that Voldemort is back. And then she decides to join Dumbledore’s Army. To be clear, she isn’t bad at DADA. Her real passion is Divination and sometimes she dedicates too much time to that particulate elective. She just isn’t willing to take any chances with some mad man on the loose. Lavender isn’t even in any serious danger, but considering she’s not heartless she would like to kick his arse a little.

A few club meetings in, she feels better about her defensive spells than ever, even when they had halfway decent professors teaching DADA. Her wand is comfortable in her hand now after five years of disciplining it to listen when she commands, but there seems to be one thing it’s incapable of: creating a patronus.

Yes, she knows that conjuring a patronus is difficult, but seriously, what gives?! She can’t help thinking she must not be happy enough. Something’s wrong with her happiest memory, it’s defective. It’s not like she’s a dreadful student or that she usually has difficulty with spells. But her greatest love is Divination, and maybe she’s just born to be a Seer, but maybe it’s more about her inability to think deeply about the past. Lavender would rather think about the future, whether it’s hers or someone else’s.

She has always been nervous about the unknown. Even if she manages to stay in the loop around school, that doesn’t make her any more confident about all the great many mysteries of her future. Being able to predict, even vaguely, what might happen has always been her dream. Knowing that she’s actually good at it? It’s the greatest comfort she’s found at Hogwarts.

Ron Weasley is her boyfriend, wow! He’s so funny and talented and she can hardly stand how happy she is to finally have a boyfriend. Like, a real one! Unsurprisingly, she’s the type of girlfriend who fusses over her boyfriend whenever he’s hurt and can’t help writing him little love notes and buying him cute things, but so what? At least she appreciates him!

It’s so obvious that his friends don’t like her. Both Harry and Hermione are jealous, though in vastly different ways. Lavender isn’t an idiot and they aren’t even subtle. Shouldn’t they make a better effort considering she’s Ron’s girlfriend? Parvati is supportive, thankfully, and she can’t help feeling smug that at least her best friend knows how to do her job.

It doesn’t last very long. People had told her not to hold her breath because he was practically dating Hermione, but “practically dating” doesn’t mean anything and she thought she may as well try. That’s not exactly why they break up, though. She was too much. Even while they were dating, she knew she was coming on too strong. But that’s just...how her feelings work. With Lavender, it’s all of nothing. For goodness sake, she’s passionate!

Few people experience such strong emotions, which puts her at a distance from almost everyone. Although she’s a pureblood, she’s no stranger to being ostracized. She fights in the final battle not just for herself, but for all the other girls deemed unworthy by people like Voldemort. And that includes Hermione Granger.

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Hailee Steinfeld – “Love Myself” 　Haiz (2015)

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[deeperdarkerkind]

HERMIONE.

The one thing quicker than her brain is her right hand when it’s brandishing a wand. Vine wood is said to be rare, attracted to those who seek a “greater purpose.” Ever since she met Harry Potter, her purpose has been to help him. Past that, she’s not sure what she’s here for.

It starts in First Year and it never really ends. Her parents are muggles and she’s just barely been able to get her hands on books about spells and magical history but all of the answers in class fly from her mouth before anyone else can even venture a guess. So she’s a Know-It-All and she’s inferior. Her peers immediately pick on her, if not for how annoyed they are of her voice after just one week of classes, then for her hair or her love for the rules.

There is nothing wrong with being smart, nothing wrong with being outspoken as long as she’s not hurting anyone, nothing with with following the rules. But soon she learns that some rules were meant to be bent or broken entirely. She’s not sure if she’s a good influence on Harry and Ron, but she can be certain that they rub off on her in all the wrong ways.

She’s thirteen the first time she hears a slur about her blood status and she watches Ron’s face turn bright red while his brothers lunge at Draco, but she doesn’t immediately know to be offended. It certainly doesn’t sound good, and the way Malfoy grits it out makes her feel like he’s never seen anything uglier. But it’s not as if she can change her upbringing, nor would she, and it’s only the knowledge that most of her classmates don’t like her much that makes her heart sink. She thought it was for speaking up too much in class or for making everyone look bad in comparison, but what if people are secretly whispering about her blood status?

Logically it’s so easy to tell herself not to care or that she shouldn’t care or that she doesn’t care, but she does. She knows she does. She knows that part of why she works so hard is to feel like she’s half as good as everyone else at Hogwarts. There’s no arguing she belongs there when her grades so clearly prove her competence. But as it turns out, nobody cares about her intelligence unless they want to borrow her notes or need help with an answer on their homework assignment.

The worst thing about her reputation is the wrong parts. She doesn’t mind the goody two-shoes persona, even though by this point she’s broken more rules than anyone could ever guess. She doesn’t even mind the groans that still follow every time she raises her hand in class. Hermione is a Know-It-All and she isn’t afraid to prove it.

No, the worst thing is how people seem to have cast her as a nag. As if wanting her friends to do well in class makes her controlling, or urging them to know their curses and defensive spells in case they run into Death Eaters makes her a shrew. Someone actually called her shrill once! If anything, her tone is low and stern when something is important to her. Don’t they know she’s acting out of fear? She is so terrified and they should be, too.

Nobody bothers to consider the many times her so-called “nagging” saved their lives or got them one step closer to solving that year’s mystery. It’s not like her to take credit for any of the accomplishments Harry can claim when it comes to either keeping Voldemort away or protecting Hogwarts, but she knows her helps has been invaluable. Even her own friends laugh at how much time she spends in the library, never mind how many of those books have given them just the answers they needed in dire circumstances.

There’s nothing in the world more important to her than Harry and Ron, but sometimes she gets tired of feeling like their friendly walking encyclopedia.

In Sixth Year she nails all of her O.W.Ls except for Defense Against the Dark Arts. After all of the firsthand experience she’s had, in fact, defending herself against the dark arts, it’s ludicrous. What had she does wrong, how could she have done better? She would blame nerves but they had never been a problem in the past. Ron’s amusement at her disappointment also makes her more upset.

Actually, Ron is annoying her a lot this year. She just doesn’t know what he wants, or even what she wants. In Fourth Year he couldn’t be bothered to ask her to the Yule Ball so she went with someone else and he had the indecency to shame her for choosing someone over him. Hermione hadn’t had a choice at all, considering Ron had never formally asked. It dawns on her slowly that, if he really wanted to be specific about it, she would never choose anyone over him.

But apparently the same doesn’t hold true for him because suddenly he’s snogging Lavender Brown in the Gryffindor Common Room and her vision blurs. It takes a moment for her to realize there are tears pooling in her eyes and she quickly turns on her heel to find somewhere private to cry. If it was his fault that they hadn’t gone to the ball together two years ago, then it’s her fault now for not telling him how she feels.

It’s not just her fault, though. For years people have been teasing her about Ron, about how he clearly liked her, and she had brushed them all aside. It wasn’t as easy as everyone was making it out to be. She, Ron and Harry are a friend group, they’re a trio, and she couldn’t just make any rash decisions about Ron when she knew it would affect Harry. It doesn’t seem to matter anymore, though. He got tired or bored or fed up with waiting. And when girls like Lavender are so willing to express their affection, why shouldn’t he choose her instead?

Ironically, Hermione doesn’t want to date anybody else, even though she had told Ginny to do just that when Harry wasn’t interested. Now they’re dating and both of her best friends are preoccupied with other girls. She hates herself for even thinking it, but there are only so many uses she has to her male friends when she’s not a viable romantic option. They would rather spend their time with girls who might give them something more than loyalty and facts memorized from textbooks.

There is a boy who expresses interest in her, and begrudgingly she can admit he’s attractive, but he’s also so undesirable to her that she hardly knows why she agrees to attend Slughorn’s Christmas Party with him. He seems to be incapable of talking about anyone but himself, and even if Ron hating him was supposed to be a perk, she realizes pretty soon that this plan has the glaring flaw of her actually needing to spend time with him. When he pulls her under the mistletoe, she ducks his advances and runs off to find Harry. 

The best thing about Harry is that he immediately asks what happened. After spending the night with a guy who didn’t want to know anything about her, it’s the exact right question.

In what feels like an instant, they’re hunting horcruxes. It would be great if they had a better idea of where to look. It would be even better if Dumbledore was still alive. Harry has always had his moments of moodiness, but she can sense his sadness over Dumbledore’s death shift to anger and resentment so quickly and they don’t have time for him to be mad at their former Headmaster.

When Ron leaves, she becomes their new liability, struggling to keep her mind focused on the task at hand when her--when Ron is gone and he was so angry and she has no idea how to fix this. She and Harry choose to blame it on the horcrux, but she’s not naive enough to believe this is the extent of his betrayal.

Because that’s what it is, really. He abandoned them during a matter of life and death, and not just for them but for much of the wizarding world. If he wants to be angry over something stupid and insignificant, then fine. That’s the end.

It’s not the end, of course. He comes back. She’s so relieved but still so furious she punches him before she can hug him. They had been so close to finally being together, and come to find he was jealous that she might prefer Harry? She loves Harry, they both do, but the very idea is mind-boggling to her. All this time she thought they had done the near-impossible by being a friend group of three where nobody felt left out or jealous.

Just as she has her insecurities about being domineering or not pretty enough or not pure enough, Ron doesn’t know where he fits in between The Boy Who Lived and the Smartest Witch of Her Age. She had never thought about it before. It was only natural that Ron belonged with them, with her. What more does he need?

If there’s one thing Voldemort can’t take from them, it’s each other.

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[deeperdarkerkind]

GINNY.

It wasn’t hard being the only girl or even being the youngest. Her family was extraordinarily close, partly from living in such tight quarters, but they didn’t go easy on her. If life with six older brothers didn’t toughen her up, nothing would.

But it isn’t nearly enough to ready her for her first year at Hogwarts. Finding nobody else to confide in, she pours her feelings into Tom Riddle’s diary. She writes about how she’s the last in a long line of Weasleys in Gryffindor and how she feels pressure to be just as successful as her graduated brothers. She writes about how she’s too nervous and struggles to make friends. She writes about how much she likes Harry Potter, even if he will never like her, because he’s special and her best friend is a diary.

Soon, there’s something lurking in the castle and she’s not sure how, but she feels in some way responsible. When two of her classmates are petrified, she can’t shake the feeling that it was her, she did this to them. Once Hermione is carried to the Hospital Wing, Ginny knows she’s gone insane. There’s no other explanation.

Except there is. Her diary is a horcrux, a word she can’t even begin to understand, created through means she doesn’t want to understand. It wasn’t her, after all, but Voldemort using her without her consent. She is only eleven and already a man has taken advantage of her insecurities and used them against not only Ginny herself, but the entire school, all as a ploy to kill the very boy she was writing about. In the end, Harry saves her, and she can’t help feeling like she isn’t worth the effort. He’s only one year older than her and he wasn’t afraid to enter the Chamber of Secrets to save Hogwarts from the Basilisk. She never should have been sorted into Gryffindor.

The next year, she can hardly stand to look at him. Harry’s own eyes betray a fondness for her, concerned by her apparent uneasiness, but it’s only because she’s his best friend’s sister. It’s not because he feels his heart beat erratic, stomach knotting at the mere sight of her. Even worse yet, she cries in front of him on the train.

He knows why the Dementors caused such a violent reaction in her, it’s the same reason he faints, the same reason she can’t string a coherent sentence together in his presence. They’re too young to be Voldemort’s pawns. At least Harry is still there when Voldemort infiltrates his mind. When Tom used Ginny, she disappeared. She ceased to exist. 

Despite how useless it feels, she can’t help bringing Harry a card when he falls off his broomstick. She couldn’t help sending him a singing Valentine the year before, even with Tom Riddle in her mind.

The following year, Hermione tells her to relax. She doesn’t seem to think Ginny’s case is hopeless, which reassures her more than Hermione could ever possibly know, but she’s not herself around Harry. Hermione argues that this is the real problem, not that Ginny isn’t pretty enough or smart enough or athletic enough for someone like Harry Potter.

But he likes Cho. It’s obvious right away, before he even asks her to the Yule Ball. When Cedric dies, she feels so awful for the other girl, even when the one-sided sense of rivalry between them still pricks like a knife in her chest. Harry isn’t even Ginny’s boyfriend but if he died, there would be nothing to keep her together. At the end of the year, she decides she’s tired of this. Either Harry is daft or he truly doesn’t care about her feelings, either way, she can’t wait around for him forever. If it started as a girlhood crush, there’s no reason it shouldn’t fade just as easily

Ginny starts dating Michael Corner, because he is nice to her. Because he likes talking to her, because he seems interested in what she says, because he is willing. Being with Michael, surprisingly enough, teaches her to ease up around Harry. He’s just...Harry. He’s her brother’s best friend, practically another Weasley. She couldn’t be nervous around a member of her own family.

It’s now, during her Fourth Year, that she finally feels she has real friends. She gravitates towards the girls from Ravenclaw, enjoying how they prize intelligence above all and don’t suffer from the competitive mindset that she’s grown tired of in Gryffindor. She invites them to join the DA and they accept.

Her defensive spells are swift and sharp, but she’s powerless to do anything when he father is attacked by Voldemort’s heinous pet. Harry hides himself away, and it takes a lot of coaxing before she gets the truth from him. It’s unbelievable. He thinks he’s been possessed by Voldemort. And he didn’t think to come to her, the only person they know who has? But knowing how it feels makes it hard to stay cross at him. Whether she wants it or not, she can’t help the closeness she feels to him, knowing they have something so awful in common.

It turns out Quidditch is her calling in life. She’s made the new Seeker when Harry is removed from the team, and while she feels guilty replacing him, she’s actually quite good. She prefers playing as a Chaser, though. It’s so much more satisfying making goals than it is to chase after a golden winged orb. 

Many of her siblings play Quidditch, and while she doesn’t mind bragging that it must be a skill set of their gene pool, she actually thinks she’s even better than her brothers. Do they feel it, too? Not just the rush of flying through the air, but the sense of calm that can only be found on the Quidditch pitch. Her mind is so loud. Sometimes it keeps her awake at night. But when she’s on her broom, chasing after the Snitch or catching a Quaffle in both hands, there’s no more buzzing. 

If this is the only way she knows to keep her mind at peace, she’ll have to play forever.

Her life flashes before her eyes, again. There always seems to be another battle. This time a Death Eater grabs her by the ankle and she’s dead, she’s dead, she knows it, she can’t get out of this one. But Luna saves her and Ginny’s only sacrifice is a broken ankle. It takes hours before they get back to school and she can’t wait for Madam Pomfrey to fix her up. How did muggles let broken bones heal so slowly? She can’t even imagine...

It doesn’t take long for her to find her next battle, this time with her own brother. She starts dating his roommate and he’s angry for no reason she can imagine. Didn’t he want her to get over Harry just as much as everyone else? And what was wrong with Dean? Ron can’t answer these questions so she ignores him.

And Dean is a good boyfriend. Well, as good as he can be, considering he’s a teenage boy and he has an annoyingly close friendship with his best mate. At first, their relationship is good, but she can’t help wondering if their physical distance over the summer was part of why. Once they’re together all the time, it doesn’t take much time for her to grow bored and annoyed with him.

She’s having nightmares. She enjoys Quidditch practice primarily because it’s the most she ever sees Harry. She doesn’t have the energy to pretend it’s working with Dean anymore. They break up, but she doesn’t feel it. She liked him, or she really thought she had, they were comfortable but they weren’t right. Ginny thinks she broke up with him because he started getting on her nerves, but that’s if she wants to be easy on herself. Now that she sees Harry regularly, it’s so obvious that her feelings for him never left. Dean deserves someone who wants to kiss only him. And besides, now Ron will get off their backs.

Whatever terrible thing she did in a past life, she’s already lived to regret it. Gryffindor wins the Quidditch cup and Harry kisses her, or maybe she kisses him, she doesn’t think it matters. What matters is he likes her. But it’s not long before everything falls apart, starting with the death of Dumbledore. No, he didn’t just die, he was murdered, and being the stubborn prat he is, Harry can’t help blaming himself. 

Ginny knows what will come next. He’s going to break up with her so she doesn’t end up like their Headmaster. Dumbledore was much stronger than her, but he was injured and unwilling to kill in order to live. Circumstances may vary, but Ginny isn’t sure she can say the same for herself. Point being, she can take care of herself. If Voldemort is going to target anyone to get to Harry, it’s going to be Hermione or Ron, or any of the Weasleys, for that matter.

Why is she the one who’s punished? It’s not her fault. She knows Voldemort, or a side of him, far better than anyone has ever given her credit for. And even though Tom Riddle still haunts her nightmares, even though what he did has made her harbor a self-hatred she can’t seem to grow out of, the experience also made her strong. How can anybody tell her she’s not skilled or smart or brave enough to protect herself if she's not even given the chance?

Harry thinks he can save everyone, and she doesn’t want to be saved.

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[deeperdarkerkind]

CHO.

She’s fifteen when her life breaks open

Here’s what she sees: years of Quidditch practice to become the Ravenclaw Seeker and only female member of the team, countless hours of studying to keep up her grades and pass her O.W.Ls with flying colors, a comfortable level of popularity that she had never expected and Cedric, dead in Harry’s arms.

Sometimes it’s all she can see.

It only takes one month for her peers to become less than understanding of her current state. After all, her life is so good otherwise. If only she can move past her boyfriend’s sudden death at the hands of a man bent on killing anyone who gets in his way, anyone without pure blood, people like her own mother. If only she can keep from crying during meals without him, nights where no one wants to be around her so all she has are her dark thoughts to keep her company. If only she can move on to a new boy, one not as kind or courageous or handsome or loving as the one she lost. If only she can steel her heart and pretend that loss is something a person, a girl of only fifteen, can process with efficiency, then move beyond.

They’re right, it would be so easy. They’re right because they have no idea how she feels. No, he wasn’t destined to be the one great love of her life, but he didn’t even have the chance to be someone else’s. Thinking about his poor father, always so embarrassingly proud of his son…in her mind, he is always there, crying over the body of his dead son.

Every day that she wakes up and gets dressed and eats breakfast and goes to class is the hardest day of her life. And every day it’s her greatest accomplishment.   

So there is another boy. His name is Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, the Chosen One. Maybe she’s a glutton for punishment. If there was any guy in the entire school who was most likely to die next, it’s him.

But when she thinks this, it’s so unfair to him. How is it his fault that he was marked almost from birth with a lightning bolt across his forehead? He likes her, and she knows this, because even if he is incredibly brave and an impressive Seeker in his own right, he is not smooth. Cho smiles at him once during breakfast and he chokes on his pumpkin juice.

Other than that, though, he is cute. She wishes that how much she likes him as a person was enough to make her forget about Cedric. How convenient it would be if her emotions operated the way everyone else seemed to think they did – pain, denial, a brief grieving period, then onto the next. It’s been less than a year since Cedric died, but she knows him. She knows that he liked Harry and that he would be crushed to see her so unlike herself. 

When Hermione asks her to join their secret club, she says yes. Even if she was powerless to save Cedric, she won’t let Voldemort get away with more murder, at least not without a fight. If the time ever comes that she needs to know her defensive spells backwards and forwards, this club seems like the best bet.

Harry is their teacher, and of course he’s amazing at it. For once, she isn’t a good student. Cho constantly stuffs up spells when he walks past. Partly it’s intimidation and partly it’s…something else. It becomes apparent very soon that she does like Harry, but to rejoice in her newfound feelings would be naïve on her part. She still isn’t sure. It’s Christmastime and they’re talking after a DA meeting. Her eyes flit upwards to see mistletoe that wasn’t there just a moment before, and she’s not even sure if she or Harry conjured it, but she leans in to kiss him. Just so she knows, she wants so badly to know. Kissing Harry isn’t unpleasant, but it’s nothing like kissing Cedric. The unwanted comparison brings tears to her eyes and suddenly she’s crying on Harry Potter, but she can’t even bring herself to feel embarrassed or bad or anything else. She’s just so tired. When will she feel it again? When will she be able to kiss a boy and feel that spark? When will she be able to fall asleep at night and not wake up crying? It’s been months. Cho can’t remember the last time she felt happiness that wasn’t immediately followed by crippling guilt.

Despite her own feelings of hopelessness, she is not a quitter. She likes Harry! She really does. And he likes her, and he’s been so nice to her all this time, the least he deserves is a shot. They go on a date to Hogsmeade on Valentine’s Day. Considering they’re not even dating, she can feel a sense of impending doom from the very start of the date, as if they’re jinxing it. She’s looking at Harry’s face and wills herself not to think about her last boyfriend. Somehow, it always comes back to Cedric. She can’t help herself. Harry was the only one there when Cedric died, the only one at Hogwarts close to understanding how she feels! How can she not ask about it? It’s an attempt to gain closure or something close to it, but Harry doesn’t understand. How can he not understand? If the mere thought of her former boyfriend didn’t immediately result in a stinging behind her eyes, wouldn’t they both be happier? She could be a good girlfriend for Harry, but she’s starting to see that he wouldn’t be a good boyfriend. He isn’t willing to discuss what happened with her, not even for a moment, not even when her chest constricts with hope so tightly that she can barely speak when he brushes her inquiries aside. How could he be so—

It isn’t his fault that Cedric died. She doesn’t want to blame him. She doesn’t like this feeling growing inside her, this gnawing feeling of resentment towards Harry for never letting her in. They would both feel better if he opened up, but just as she wishes people would understand that they can’t rush her healing process, she tries to understand that she can’t rush his.

As much as it hurts, as much as she has the overwhelming sense that it will always hurt, she has to keep going. She has to focus on Quidditch and school and the few friends who have remained by her side throughout her heartache. But she can’t focus on Harry right now. If he can’t comprehend why, then she’s better off. She still doesn’t fault him for their inability to find steady footing in their relationship. He wants everything she had with Cedric right now and she can’t give him that. Eventually she doesn’t see him anymore, which is easy when they share neither a house nor year. If she’s a coward for running from a new relationship, so be it. But she doesn’t think she’s scared. She is kind and she is considerate and she doesn’t want to give Harry hopes for something that can’t happen. So she doesn’t.  

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