“I want to disappear,” but where will you go?Â
As I stand in the corner of my roof, face to my north, there’s a view of faraway hills, and I stare at those for a few minutes. Innocent as my watch intended to be, there comes a feeling of absolute hopelessness, and despair blows out from my legs. I take a chair, sit down, breathe. The thought of being stuck in one place forever consumes my gut, yet I feel no hope of movement. Days go by, so do months, yet I continue to view the same hills with the same urgency.Â
“I want to disappear,” and it’s just me who is done with how the air feels around. I wonder how the air must feel a few miles away. I wonder how life must feel a few hills away. No particular destination in my mind, yet I am sure of “I want to disappear”. I wonder where I would enjoy, I think, I think, and think. Only the place with no people around fills my imagination. I see myself, dressed in a flowy dress, carrying nothing, swinging my hands, just walking around. Not a single trace of a living being, only the existence of plants and trees, I walk alone.Â
Yet, when I try to see how happy I look, I look the same. The lines under my eyes feel sharper; I have gotten older, and I have spent my youth away. My imagination scares me; the place turns into hell now. As I instantly pull myself back, I let out a sigh. I realize I absolutely hate that place. “Where will I go?” I wonder again.Â
Is there any place where I won’t feel the same? Does the place exist? Beyond the hills, the mountains, I am ready to even go through the oceans. But does the place exist? It must exist.Â
I pressure myself to choose, where would I enjoy? Where would I feel at peace?Â
And I’m left wondering if the place I’m looking for
isn’t somewhere out there at all…