i’m stuck in this place. forced to subscribe to wage slavery to pay off monstrous student loan debts and acquire money to allow me to pass the time until i die. hordes of “thank you for applying, but unfortunately...” emails. checked inbetween searching for more jobs i don’t care about, and filing for unemployment again. i haven’t been enjoying life.
i’m lonely. and i’m not sure how to feel better.
i’ll be seeing my therapist in two days and then perhaps i’ll feel better for a few days, and then i’ll inevitably end up in the same spot. the familiar hole i keep coming back to. tucked away from social interaction and exposure. made all the more easier to find because of quarantine. i’m sad because i’m running out of all the money i’ve saved in my life up to this point. for what? to find a job and agree to be paid for less than my worth in order to stem the bleeding.
i’m sad because i’m alone. no one checks on me. no one makes plans with me. my entire life i’ve avoided people and that’s left me with a bunch of loose friends who only sometimes do things with me when i initiate the plans. i’m sad because i don’t have a family. my older brother is a recluse. my younger brother is cold. my father is dead. my mother is the source of a lot of my trauma. my cousins on my mother’s side are racist and simple minded. i don’t know anyone from my father’s side.
i’m sad because i don’t want to live here but i can’t afford anywhere else by myself. and it’ll be like that until i die.
capitalism, corporate monopolies, office culture, gender norms, the police state, the oligarchy, and systemic racism. these are the things that make me want to die.
there’s no end in sight for any of them. at least not in my time.
i’m sad because i want someone to love. but i’m too sad to be in love. i want to have a beautiful relationship, and an eventual beautiful child.
both of those are hard to imagine in this world.
i’m sad because typing this is painful. the nerves in my arms are fucked. i’ve got another new occupational therapist. but even he can’t fix me. just maybe reduce the pain slightly.
lately, life has only been about reducing the pain.
i push myself to get through the day, every day. and i’m getting tired.