Softly Venting

hello there, my name is oli. i am currently focused on recovery, though i do find myself needing a place to vocalize my concerns without disrupting the positive space i’m curating on my main blog. i don’t want to be too sad here, but i’m afraid i can’t make any promises. my main is @angelicaffirmation

[delicatedeclaration]

how does it feel to know that you caused all of your own problems?

i’m looking for that kind of relief

wrong place wrong time

i’m tired of trying my best

i want to blame myself

i want to change

i’m looking for some reprieve i’ll never find

think i really lost it all this time

[delicatedeclaration]

gonna kill myself before i learn bass guitar

gonna kill myself before i make a name for my art

gonna kill myself before the culmination of that star

starting my next step and not getting too far

[delicatedeclaration]

i can be something you get over

[delicatedeclaration]

do people commit suicide for less?

[delicatedeclaration]

i suffer from cringe eating disorder

[delicatedeclaration]

less alcoholism but more eating disorder lmao

[delicatedeclaration]

i do be doin worse again tho

[delicatedeclaration]

i can’t help but feel like it’s too late for me

[delicatedeclaration]

weep woop i havent been sober and my life is a nightmare (outside of my sobriety) and like i really do think i have to leave the world behind if i ever wanna be happy but that’s so scary because i’m 24 years old and i’ve been actively worrrying about someone for at least the last decade and i don’t know how to worry about myself but i think the fear of worrying about myself is less scary than the thought of living my life in a delusional-almlost-if-you-really-squint happiness, you know?

like fuck i just really think i might die

i really think i might die

wether that be by a diseases of the broken hearted

or by the will of myself to be fully departed

i might die

i might die

what else do you do if you might die?

anything could kill me now

i fear the change could kill me now, but the same goes for the stagnation. i might die. i loved so clearly and so much but i might die.

i can’t trust again.

i can’t love again.

or else i will die.

i really can’t take another broken heart or another betrayal.

and i ache because i just want to love and be loved.

but i can’t. becuase i might die.

what the fuck.

[delicatedeclaration]

slept 15 hours because my mind is a mess and i can’t trust myself to be alone with it

i need a break

[delicatedeclaration]

am i a demon or a sacrifice

[delicatedeclaration]

i am too tired

[delicatedeclaration]

i see people doing things and being creative and baking and it makes me wanna cry cause like i’m just here in my pajamas at 2pm eating fake pasta noodles while being in both physical and emotional pain

y’know?

[somethoughtseeds]

[delicatedeclaration]

i’m not ready to love anymore

[delicatedeclaration]

i’m so sad

everyone i love will hurt me

and there’s only so much hurt i’ll take before i can no longer be around them

so i won’t get close to anybody new, and then the moment i am through i can finally be alone

alone and safe and loveless and painless

[delicatedeclaration]

sometimes i think i might recover and sometimes i look in the mirror like: “well, i’m not the ugliest i could be, but i am still detestably vile”