Delores And Her BPD

I suffer from BPD and I struggle to talk. Consider this my diary to my someone special. Please make sure to message me if you need a friend. Maybe we can help each other.

[deloreshasbpd]

PLEASE REACH OUT IF YOU NEED HELP.

Thats why im here. No judgment.

Here are my random thoughts…

I’m scared of dying. It terrifies me. Truly. That, you dying and us losing our child are my top 3 fears.

How I die? I don’t know. Cancer? Some random mystery illness? A car crash or a freak accident? Who knows, and the uncertainty of that scares the shit out of me. Leaving you with an empty feeling? That makes my stomach ache. And makes my whole body tense when I think about losing you first.

I can’t word 90% of the feelings I have for you and towards you. You have made new emotions and feelings that I didn’t even know existed, hell, they might not even have a word, which is probably why they have no description. All I do know if they are all good.

I want to marry you, and walk down the aisle, in our dramatic little intimate wedding, in my black dress, because although it won’t be a big dramatic day where we spend thousands to impress and cater to the meaningless people in our life, it’s our big dramatic day. I wanted Polaroid cameras, and a silly little ring box, and a big fat cake we can scoff after the day ends as we laugh and feel ecstasy as Mr & Mrs. The day I have lost nights of sleep over, wishing they would come sooner.

[deloreshasbpd]

I am back after a month in the hospital! Lets get silly people!

[deloreshasbpd]

It hurts tonight. I know its been months since you told me you were with someone else but I blocked it out. I ignored it. I couldn’t feel what I needed to because I was alone, I was already vulnerable, I was already in the lowest place I thought I could be so I didnt want to grieve. Sure, it sat it my mind for a few days after but I didn’t really understand what you had told me and after that, its like you never told me.

I still think about it at random times, like shaving my legs on the edge of the bath, because it makes me think of the time i sat on the edge of the bath when it was full, seconds before i tried to drown myself because I didn’t want to be here anymore, or when I suck your dick for obvious reasons, or when im on my period when im throwing up because it took me less than a second to start throwing up after skimming through your paragraph and reading the words michela, kiss, and suck.

Even now, im sick to my stomach. I just unmuted myself to wake up you but I dont know what to say.

Ive felt nothing towards it ever, to the point I thought I didn’t care, or maybe I didn’t love you the way I thought I did, because thats not something you dont take like a ton of bricks but the last couple of days I know it does hurt and I know i do love you the way I thought I did, maybe more.

I can’t breathe properly, I cant feel my legs, I am shaking.

That doja song is the song that represents and reminds me of our life from January 2021-August 2021.

It just takes me back there instantly.

I still haven’t processed anything from that year. I shut it all out. I distanced myself from everything while it was happening and after it had finished.

[chronicallyonlinesworld]

[deloreshasbpd]

Today we had a good day. Its 3:46am. I just made some granola with raisins and chocolate chips.

I have felt calm over the last few days. I am listening to a lot of “piano music”

I had a nap from about 8pm - midnight ish and decided I was going to do something productive.

After struggling immensely with my washing, I decided to reach out to my local facebook group and ask if there was anyone kind enough to help me with it as I have probably around 6-8 bin bags of the stuff. Lots of people offered.

So I decided I was going to clean the majority of my living room and bag the washing and hoover. So I bagged up 7 bags of washing. Hovered and organized my book shelf a little bit.

Its not much but it kept me busy, made me feel calm and was a step in the right direction 🤭

- remember, I am always here if you need help, advice or just a friend to listen.

[deloreshasbpd]

My Saturday goes something like this😊

[honeypleasejustkillme]

not killing yourself when all you wanna do is die should be considered a fucking skill

[deloreshasbpd]

Its 5:16am and I feel like all the love was my fault. Maybe you only love me because I forced you. Where would we be if I didn’t force you to call me, and get angry when you didn’t answer, and give you shit. When I force you to post pictures of us. All the times I made you choose me over your friends all because I did not want to be alone. All the times I gave altermatums between me and girls in your dm’s. The times I begged you not the leave, crying and grabbing you, making you turn a blind eye to the door out of here. Where would we be if I didn’t force our love. Do you even feel true love or is it cause I forced you to love me and you got accustomed to it.

I promised you a girl who was never me and never could have been me. So why do you love me the way you say you do, if that’s even true.

[deloreshasbpd]

Its 12:38 and I lost my appetite. Another day and I still feel so disconnected from the world. Nothing makes sense. How can I question everything and know nothing makes sense, its all made up, its all a lie but at the same time feel like everything is crashing down.

Everything is a contradiction. I feel so sick I havent eaten but I feel so sick at the sight of food. I could lay in bed and stare into nothing for hours because that is what I am, nothing but while I lay there realizing im nothing, I cry internally, screaming out. I walk into the kitchen and sing random songs at the top of my lungs and turn around and collapse on the floor crying. I feel like I could talk about my feelings and thoughts for hours yet my tongue stops working and my fingers freeze when I try to help you understand why l am the way I am. Even just to explain these things I am struggling immensely.

[deloreshasbpd]

Hi, you can call me Delores. I suffer with very severe BPD, Depression and Anxiety.

This is my thought journal. Maybe some of you can relate. Maybe I can help some of you. Maybe some of you can help me. I have no expectations of this "blog". I dont care if nobody finds it. Maybe this is just something I can look back on when I am in a better place and see how far I came but incase anyone found me, Hi.

I am currently in the worst frame of mind ever. I don't want to be here and I hate that I am too scared to leave.

Please reach out to me if you need a friend. I will never judge you and will always reply as soon as possible, I just ask you respect me and my feelings too. We are all people.