tell me aaaall the thoughts you have about me and how much you love me and crave me and want to be with me for the rest of your life and i will love you forever
Hey, I have a really long vent, read at your digression and if any of this is a trigger PLEASE scroll past. My vent is below the cut
TW: Mentions of rape, abuse, nonconsensual incest, grooming
Just shoot me atp. I've made it onto older man loving Tumblr, the problem isn't that I dislike it, the problem is that I do like it. My bio dad fucked me up so much that I crave older men's approval, it's disgusting of me. I feel like I invalidate my own trauma. "Cnc, but weren't you raped?" or "you want a daddy? But you were abused by your dad..." THATS THE PROBLEM!! I'm well aware I should not be attracted to these things, I should not want these things.
I feel so gross for wanting this, I was raped by my own father and now want to make myself be as skinny as possible and date older men who'd be willing to pretend they're taking advantage of me. Just thinking about how fucked up this is makes me sick, I'm everything I say I hate. I lie to my friends about being okay, I want the attention of an older man when I really shouldn't, I want to be groomed again when I know how insane that sounds, and my own trauma made me hypersexual and want to make sick, disgusting fantasies about what happened to me. I'm fucking sick in the head, and I know I need to see my doctor, or my therapist, maybe even another trip to a mental hospital but I cant, not again.
I shouldn't fucking want to be in those situations, I shouldn't fucking wish for the very things that made me like this! I can't count how many times I gave my nudes to grown men before I actually understood what a digital footprint was. I literally don't know how many times I was raped by my own father because I woke up to it happening but was too drugged up to even lift my head, let alone remember it in the morning until fucking years later. I've been sent to mental hospitals 21 times and RTC's 4 times, none of them helped.
I feel awful, and I'm spiraling, and it's getting worse. I know I should be celebrating that after over a year, my father finally was willing to give up custody, but my spiral started before the custody battle ended, and its not gonna fix it. I fucking hate everything. I honestly might just delete this later cause I feel like such an attention whore for even writing it
I want attention, but I also don't want to be real. Just let me lay on someone's lap while they pet my hair as I disassociate and I listen to their heart, or barely process their rambling even as I try listening but end up failing and just nuzzling into them.... Is that really so much to ask?
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