billy kaplan who's dealt with severe depression since at least middle school
billy kaplan who's dealt with severe depression since middle school but, over years, learned how to deal with it as best he could. who used self help books from the library, then google. who always simultaneously resented and appreciated the hell out of his (okay, maybe over-involved) psychologist mother. billy kaplan who never even wanted her to know, bc he felt like such a fucking burden
billy kaplan who's had anxiety, who's had panic disorder, since he doesn't even know when. whose mom taught him how to make a self care box when she got him to acknowledge his depression and anxiety, who slipped embarrassing notes in his brown bag lunches in the 8th grade and let him take sick days in high school
billy kaplan who never told his little brothers
billy kaplan who developed ptsd after children's crusade, who dissociated for the first time in the days after witnessing cassie and the vision's deaths. whose panic attacks came back and powers dwindled---bc after all, he had to want his magic to work to make it so, and how could he want anything when he was that depressed and barely-present? how could he want anything but his friends back, or to finally be dead--like them, like he's wanted since he was 13?
billy kaplan with short term memory loss. billy kaplan who can/could barely shower, eat, get out of bed bc of depression and ptsd. billy kaplan with delusions that make him shake some days and auditory hallucinations that sometimes fuck him up, sometimes barely register, sometimes just vaguely annoy him
billy kaplan being mentally ill and still powerful and strong and kind and passionate and loving as fuck, ok, fight me on this
//sorry everyone. ive... been having a really hard, or actually nearly impossible, past few weeks (months) and ive been focusing on myslf
recently i was diagnosed with ptsd and have been dealing with the discovery of certain things that have happened to me that i repressed. i wont go into it but its been hell on my mental health and im in a really awful place psychologically/emothionally (and now that im in my parents home over break, in not the best place physically either...) so theres all that going on
let me know if i owe you anything! i cant promise ill reply quickly or at all tho. ill definitely try but im honestly a wreck rn and i have to put survival and self care first
i hope everything is going well for everyone else!! please take care of yourselves
// hi everyone!! so sorry i havent been on at all lately; college has been v stressful and ive been incredibly busy. im gonna check for replies i owe, but if you know i owe you one please feel free to let me know! also if youd like to start a new thread or if weve never rp'd together but youd like to, let me know that, too!! i probably cant tonight but tomorrow i should definitely be able to :)
// im crying so loudly about. avengers professor au where steves a drawing prof and sam is an edu prof and bucky does history of warfare and nat does russian and/or russian history and bruce does physics and tony does mechanical engineering and and and. and!!! oh my goshffv
what should thor teach. ohhhh my god, international relations or st that woulD BE HILARIOUS, na d clint. ?? what does clint do
maybe hes an english prof? maria should. be something too but im not sure... nick fury is the fucking dean or something. i need to go to bed someone come uup with alternative suggestions and/or other characters im so Gay
i cant stop thinking abt young avengers as college art students au (formerly Young Avengers Art School AU but i expanded so i could put some of the avengers team as professors OOPS i might rethink this)
cw for: food, pda, brief alcohol mention (implied underage sorry!), friend pda, um. unsanitary/bodily functions at a part, school and college etc... also i guess implied nsfw but not really, just. allusion to billy finding teddy, like, sexually distracting but thats it (mods im still 17 for a month and 17s the age of consent in my state but im still a minor so if u want me to cut that part lemme know sorry)(also theyre all over 18)
kate is a musical performance major (concentration in cello) but shes also a photographer. alternatively, shes a photog major, but she also happens to be taking music courses... shes one of the only non-majors in the pit orchestra. she and billy meet thru their schools production of fiddler and the roof and are basically completely bff inseparable from that point on. they get starbucks and talk and have movie night every thursday and its v v cute. he braids her hair and they watch the notebook and he cries like 8 different times????? billy....
america is... either painting, drawing, or metals (i vote METALS) and she also works a lot to help pay for college. she also totally does kickboxing. kate drags her to yoga, which at first shes skeptical of but actually totally loves. its really relaxing and is, like, way harder than she thought it would be and it helps her focus. she becomes basically unstoppable. she starts a 20 minute argument in one art history class (which im naming Western Art History: From Manet to the Modern Movement) bc she points out "only white dudes can get away just rubbing their own shit on a canvas and passing it off as art. straight, cis white dudes; they dont even have to try. thats so lazy. at least the fucking urinal thing had some sort of concept behind it, but even that's kind of a cop out.")
tommy is an animation major, but he esp loves anything and everything cutting edge. they get in actual arguments p frequently with other animation students abt the importance/validity of traditional animation ("yeah, i get that it was the foundation of the industry, or whatever, but its so SLOW and BORING. theres a reason we dont do everything by hand anymore, is all im saying!" "i could do steamboat willy in like 2 DAYS with enough coffee. ill do it right now")
davids a film student and also a sound engineer. hes there on full scholarship and is the guy everyone goes to before art history tests bc he??? knows everything???? he just Doesnt Forget anything from his classes. actually, at one point he legitimately gets accused of cheating bc how could he POSSIBLY have a 102% in the class??? it pans out, tho, and after that everyone is even more impressed/slightly intimidated by him. he has a solid 4.3 gpa. and a part time at the library. its obscene
billy is a theater major/creative writing (or lit) minor. he first meets teddy in his figure drawing class, where teddys a nude model. he has never seen a model in anything other than a purely professional, artistic light but after the first class teddy models billy cant make eye contact with him for two weeks despite the fact that teddy always waves or says hi when they pass by each other on campus. he tells kate this is CONFIDENCE at one movie night (possibly after a few martinis. possibly after, like, one. billys a major lightweight and kate is definitely, definitely not) and she totally makes fun of him and coos and tells america, who also makes fun of him but without the obvious sense of affection and sympathy. its good natured teasing, but still. only kate can do that tyvm
teddy is... idk what teddy is. maybe an art ed major, or art history, or sculpture? but also, like, maybe drawing.... oh my gOD NO HES TOTALLY ART ED IMAGINE TEDDY WITH KIDS AAAAA. ok yeah, teddys art ed with a minor in sculpture. he has, like, even more piercings than in canon (for instance: 7 in one ear, 5 in the other; septum; snake bites; eyebrow, as far as his face goes) and a back piece of wings and hes sorta bummed he cant really get any tats that are visible with clothing on bc, like, teaching. he also totally thinks Awkward Figure Drawing Guy (billy) is really, really cute and hot and kind of endearing?? also, every time he says hi AFDG blushes. at first he thinks hes just one of those ppl whos shy about nudity but then he sees him talking to one of the other models after class on his way to the ceramics lab and hes totally comfortable and normal around her and. oh
...............................................................please stop me from writing this au,,
also ok but. ok. but what if avengers cameos???????? whAT IF STEVE IS AN ART PROF OH MY GOFD OH YMG OD OGHGKIFLGF OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDD STEVE IS A DRAWING PROFESSOR AND,, AND. AND. SAM IS A SECONDARY EDU PROFESSOR AND THEYRE TOTALLY DATING. theres, like, so much gossip its ridic. at one point half the school is convinced steves dating one of the russian professors, romanov (NOT natasha to the students, but very much nat to steve, to everyones excitement) bc they get coffee so often and once a couple kids see her slap his ass (he turns beet red, like, everywhere and its cute) but that is so the opposite of a thing its actually funny
everyone thinks they have it figured out---sam is dating steve, prof romanov is steve's best friend---but theres also steves best friend, the history of war teacher, and after a while prof barnes starts swinging by at the end of sam's office hours and there are rumors of cheating
at one point halfway thru the semester sam clarifies in a very no-nonsense, i-cant-believe-youre-wasting-my-time-is-this-high-school kind of fashion that actually, yes, ive heard the rumors, i am dating professor rogers, no im not cheating on him and yes were also dating professor barnes and if anyone says one more word of this until class lets out im taking 5 points off that persons midterm. end of
.......oh my god im in hell please savVE ME
also yes i realize a bunch of them arent teaching art classes?? im imagining theyre all art students at a liberal arts college. or like. something. LOOK I DONT KNOW
also: bruce is the chillest physics professor ever. tony is, like, mechanical engineering. maybe peter parkers, like, a photography TA? i need to go to bed its 4am and my life is spiraling out of control
// fxrebird sorry that took so long... ive been. Not Doing Good but im feeling rlly good to rp rn so!! yeah
also, @ everyone: im feeling p ok rn and my muse is good so hmu if you wanna start a thread or plot or anything? you can ask for my skype even if you want
no promises that ill stay in good shape but. yeah. now you know why i havent been on,,
"I know what you mean," she says, and she does, really, on a much more personal level than sheâd expected. Itâs odd but she relates to what heâs saying, both verbally and in the current that runs under and behind his words, and she canât tell if he reminds her more of her friends or her students.
You donât change your family. Sheâs not sure if she says it out loud or only silently, and isnât even sure if he heard it.
Except now another thought sparks off, turns over, and she canât believe that she didnât think of this immediately. âEr, just to clarify, you werenât in the middle of a mission just now, were you?â Would I have noticed, wasnât even paying attention, god dammit this is why you donât zone out like that on one thing no matter how excitingâ
She gets ahold of her thoughts with some effort and drops her shoulders, her tone light and good-natured. âI mean, if you were⊠staking something out, or the like, I donât want to get in your way.â Staking something out. Seriously. Has any teenage hero or group in the history of ever actually done that?
"Nah, no mission," he says, "just going for a fly. I... needed to get some air." He scratches the back of his neck and subconsciously takes a deep breath, as if to prove his point. As if until now he'd forgotten to breathe.
The wind picks up for a moment, his cape billowing and rippling behind and around him. He absently picks at a fraying edge on his right glove. I really need to mend this, he thinks. I wish I was better at sewing. I wish you could buy superhero gloves in stores. But I guess it's kind of a niche market.
"So---how about you? You weren't meeting anyone, were you?"
I guess it's not that niche a market. Especially not in NYC. There's probably something online. You can find online, after all.
Wait. Crap. What if I'm making her late for something...?
She watches him sadly, feeling woefully unqualified to give him any advice. After all, when things have gone wrong in her life, her response has historically been to run - away from her family, when she put them in danger; away from the Brotherhood when she fell out with her father; away from her own children when she thought they would be safer elsewhere.
But her son, who she gave up her entire life to protect, for whom she would do anything in her considerable power - he needs her guidance, and her comfort, and after every mistake sheâs made she can hardly deny him that.
"Sometimes," she says hesitantly, "sometimes even when you try your best, you make a mistake, or things slip out of your hands, and someone gets hurt."Â
Thatâs a lesson she knows better than most, to be certain.Â
"But all you can do," she goes on, "is - is to be as brave as youâre able to, and the best person you can. Billy, sweetheartâŠ"
She pulls him close to her.
"You can never control every variable,â she tells him. Not even she can do that, and controlling variables is quite literally her superpower. "And you canât see the consequences of all your actions - only make the best choices you can, with what choices the universe gives you."
"But Mo--Vanda," he says instead, "I'm the best person I can be. I, I've been the best I can be, that's---that's the problem. And being---any version of myself, even if it's the best, gets people hurt."
His mind flickers back to the ship, to the feel of cool metal on his temple; he thinks, against his will, of the pounding in his head that night and how fast his heart was beating and how all he could think of was how every time he tried to be a better person he failed.
How the 'best he could be' wasn't actually good, anyway.
How he never told anyone, but Mother was just an excuse. He knows even if he weren't so depressed---if things were different---he'd still lay down his life for all of them. For any of them, easily.
But as things are, he'd lay down his life for the sake of it. (Sometimes, in the middle of night, he gets close to---
But Teddy's arms are always firm and warm around his waist and he'd never want to wake him for something so trivial as his own death.
Even he knows how fucked up that is, that he thinks this way, but knowing isn't the same as being able to do anything about it.)
He tears his thoughts roughly away.
"I'm just so tired of who I am," he admits in a whisper. He doesn't know if she heard it or not, and he hopes she doesn't; he didn't even mean to say it out loud, but when he's emotional his filter is even worse than usual.
He pushes on, quickly and a bit louder than he needs to as though to cover up what he just said: "But you're right. I just need to look closer at my options. Think things out more. That would---that would help."
He makes a mental note to actually follow her advice, because it is good; he rushes into things way too quickly. Doesn't think before he acts and speaks, sometimes. His mind quietly runs back to a bad place in the background and he reins it back in.
Yeah, he thinks. I just need to stop being so impulsive.
"Yes, really." Sheâs honestly not sure if sheâs responding to his words or his thoughtsâthe shot of doubt she feels is his, not hers, but itâs followed by such a rush of positive emotion that she takes an involuntary half-step back before she can get it under control again.
Shifting her weight a little, she beams at Billy. âConsidering that itâs kind of my prerogative to know about these things, well. Especially when your team contains mutant members.â
(She catches the negative undertone, too, the bit of self-deprecation, and itâs almost endearing. Familiar, honestly.)
Donât respond to it. He didnât vocalize it. Donât respond toâdammit, too late. âYouâre proud of them? Of yourself?â Congratulations, now he probably thinks youâre prying on purpose. âYou should be,â she adds, softer. âI would be.â
"Of course I'm proud of them," he says easily. "I mean, they're not perfect---none of us are. But they're good people doing good work, and besides---" (his pulse beats out teamteamteamfamily)  "---I don't want them to be perfect. That's too much pressure on me," he jokes.
"Just kidding. But they're like... they're perfect being imperfect, you know?They wouldn't be---" (familyfamilyfamilyteam) "them if they were perfect. Or whatever. I don't know."
He shrugs and pushes his  hands in his pockets. I should text America; I haven't heard from her in a while, he thinks, his left hand twitching instinctively for his phone. Not now, though. I hope she's asleep already but she's probably not---how can I make Kate check up on her so she doesn't know she's being checked up on?
He blinks and refocuses his attention.
"But yeah, I'm definitely proud. I'm glad we're active again."
//i (the mun) am 17 and while im of age in my state my network has a rule against minors (under 18) posting nsfw content on affiliated blogs SO
im really sorry but i cant answer this : ((( PLEASE feel free to send any others tho or any questions/prompts/almost anything u could think of for me to make headcanons about!!! tho!!!!!
Despite the late night bustle, the street beneath himâ-the street Jean is onâ-is more or less empty. The cold Autumn air nips at his cheeks.
He flies a bit closer, then gently lands in front of her. As he does anytime he meets a new hero, he quickly and automatically works through what he knows of herâ-(mutant, mood manipulator, former X-man, telepathâ-aaaand probably reading my thoughts right now, oops. Hi, Jean! Ugh, his is so embarrassingâ-what am I doingâ-)
He lifts off the hood of his cape and offers a gloved hand to shake.
"Hi," he says, a bit out of breath. "Iâm Billy Kaplan."
She grins and grips his hand. âItâs nice to finally meet you, Billy. I would introduce myself, but it sounds like that isnât really⊠needed.â
Her other hand twitches up automatically and taps the side of her head, then drops again, the whole movement lasting under a second. Itâs almost sheepish, an apology, I didnât mean to read your thoughts but now here we are.
"Iâve honestly wanted to meet you for a while," she says, eyes bright. "Your entire teamâwhat youâre doing, itâs just amazing. Exciting."
Jean Grey's been wanting to meet me? he thinks. 'Amazing?' Holy s... Really?
"Really? I mean---we do what we can to help, you know? I just wish I could do more."
He doesn't notice the subconscious switch from "we" to "I." It's not intentional; he just tends to place most of the blame for what they don't or can't do on himself.
(I barely do anything as it is, comes the mental addition, so quick and quiet and a part of his natural internal monologue he doesn't even think about it.)
He shrugs and scratches the back of his neck, smiling shyly. "I mean, we're not huge or anything, but... Yeah. I'm excited, too."
He gets distracted for a few seconds, mind flitting quickly through memory-images of his team. Nothing's clear except the sentiment behind it: sudden, overwhelming pride and happiness.
The last thing sheâd expected was having to stay for days in the heart of the city, completely on her own. Itâs brain hell. There are so many people all around and they all have anxieties, stresses, fears that wonât stop worrying at the base of their skulls.
Itâs worse in the daytime, when everyoneâs minds are active and awake and on high alert. Sheâs gotten good at blocking it out over the years, but itâs still a strain when this is already an incredibly, frustratingly delicate charge. (A kid in the heart of a street gang, mutant, terrified; she felt like she owed it to them.)
The normal procedure was to let the kids come to you. Usually they did. Sometimes things got weird and stressful and you ended up on the floor of a hotel room with nothing but the droning TV for company and jittery, tense energy running through your tendonsâ
She gives up on trying to sleep a little before one in the morning and tugs on her shoes. Itâs quiet on the way down through the lobby, and the concierge barely looks up when she smiles at him.
Cool, heavy night air smacks her in the face, overlaid with the smell of cars and the press of human bodies. People are still awake and moving, the city that never sleeps indeed, but itâs more tolerable with smaller crowds. She weaves through the throng, ignoring pressing voices (told him to meet me here - whatâs she looking at - daryl, daryl, over here dude!) and starts running when she hits a back street.
Itâs been all of fifteen minutes when she picks something up, and is someone flying, and then she feels the sharp stab of surprise. A little out of breath, she stops in her tracks and turns to look up, scanning the skies and taking her headphones out.
Despite the late night bustle, the street beneath him---the street Jean is on---is more or less empty. The cold Autumn air nips at his cheeks.
He flies a bit closer, then gently lands in front of her. As he does anytime he meets a new hero, he quickly and automatically works through what he knows of her---(mutant, mood manipulator, former X-man, telepath---aaaand probably reading my thoughts right now, oops. Hi, Jean! Ugh, his is so embarrassing---what am I doing---)
He lifts off the hood of his cape and offers a gloved hand to shake.
"Hi," he says, a bit out of breath. "I'm Billy Kaplan."
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