Personal page for Denisaiko (the artist). I reblog mostly fandom stuff. To support me go to my Patreon: patreon.com/denisaiko. She/Her/They/Them | Romanian | Hobbyist artist | Quality Analyst at EA | Huge STAR WARS and Mass Effect fan!
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Tagged by @bonniesdamons !!!! Ty this was soo cute
(Link for picrew)
Tagging: @sscrambledmeggss @quinn-my-beloved @rinezha @gorgxoxus @sapphic-squid @bleachinthehallways @homosandhomies @blangsty-days & anyone else who wants to do it
Warnings: quite a bit of reader’s pov, crying, swearing, yelling, thoughts of dying, mentions of medication, self h*rm, its really just me venting
Translations : cyare (beloved), cyar’ika (sweetheart), ner karta (my heart)
A/N: This fic was originally for Din but I realised that Rex was the perfect choice. See the end of the fic for more a/n.
[ please do not read if this topic makes you uncomfortable ]
(gif from pinterest)
How is it possible that your mind is noisy but silent at the same time? Why were you experiencing this? Why isn’t anyone else noticing you falling apart? Is this a dream or a nightmare?
You ask yourself these questions everyday, repeating them over and over again but alas, you can never find answers.
People have told you that you were joyful, kind and calm. Will people say the same things again after looking at you now?
Sad. Rude. Angry.
You’re doing it for attention.
Stop being like this.
Change your attitude.
It will go away.
Be positive.
You’re overreacting.
Other people have it worse.
The voices. The voices never stop. The same old phrases stuck in your mind, repeating over and over and over again like a crazy fucking clock.
The same old everyday. The same old monotony every fucking second from the moment you wake up.
Your mind is like static, but you feel that you're surfing through thousands of holochannels.
How to end this? You do not know.
The Jedi council knew you needed help, so they consulted a healer and put you on medication. They think you’re conflicted, influenced by the Dark side.
That wasn’t the help you needed. You needed someone to just fucking listen. Listen to what? You do not know. You can’t form words. You don’t know what to explain.
You just needed someone to be there. To just be present. To hold you as you cry. To check in on you. To tell you that everything is going to be okay.
Even though it most probably would not.
Here you were, laid on the floor of your quarters like a dead body, never moving except for the rise and fall of your chest with every breath you take. You were staring at the empty, hoary ceiling with swollen, red eyes and dried tear streaks on your cheeks.
You were too tired to cry anymore.
Your tongue peeked out to wet your dry, chapped lips. You were parched.
With an effort, you sat up slowly and looked around the tiny room. You can’t seem to see things properly. Your eyesight was blurry and your head was throbbing in pain.
Your eyes managed to catch the slim, long mirror mounted on the wall. You were too tired to walk so you crawled towards the mirror instead.
Will your mind stop spinning for a fucking second?
You sat up and leaned your head sideways against the wall, facing the mirror. You stared at yourself and swallowed the lump formed in your throat.
You burst into tears again.
“Stop crying you fucking idiot!” you yelled at yourself as your fist flew to punch the mirror.
Again, you sobbed for all the reasons but none at all.
You wanted to run away. You don’t know where to. Maybe the empty void up above is best.
Nothing but darkness and the stars. No one could hear you there.
No one could even find you there.
Then again, who would even find you? Maybe just one person in the entire universe.
You were quiet as you stared at your knuckles. They were bruised. How hard did you punch the mirror? You forgot.
Of course you forgot.
You can’t even remember the last time you were successful in a mission. Fucking hell, you even forgot your lightsaber training.
A knock on the door. Who could it be?
You stayed silent.
Another knock followed by silence again. You opened your mouth to tell whoever it is to go away but all that came out was a sob.
The door slid open, revealing your lover. Star-crossed at that.
You two could never be together forever, the both of you knew.
Well, life has always been unfair, right?
He entered your quarters wordlessly and placed his helmet on your desk. The door closed behind him.
Your eyes were still fixed on the mirror, staring at yourself. You’ve been staring at nothing for so long, you couldn’t make up your face anymore. You felt his presence beside you on the floor.
He sat down beside you and rested his back against the wall. Then, he silently took your blank form into his arms, allowing you to cling onto him.
He always knew how to comfort you.
You were like jelly in his arms, your hands were sandwiched between the both of your warm bodies as he placed his chin on the top of your head.
He held you close to his chest and caressed the back of your head. You felt tears brimming your eyes once again. You didn’t realise you were already crying until Rex kissed your forehead.
“Cyar’ika…”
You want to talk to him. Ask him how was his day, how were the boys doing- just have a proper conversation. Not sobbing every fucking time he meets you.
You were being unfair to Rex. He deserves more. He deserves someone better.
You hated feeling like this. You have so much to say but you can’t say anything.
All that came out was a pathetic whimper.
“I thought you promised not to do it again…” he whispered softly. He gently raised your bruised hand that was placed on his chest to his lips. Your eyes followed, finally looking at his unreadable face.
You buried your face into his neck, inhaling his scent that always calmed you.
Rex sighed and closed his eyes, bringing his palm to rest under your shirt.
“I’m always here for you, cyare. I may not understand what you’re going through but I’m with you every step of the way.” Rex whispered and rubbed your back as he held you tighter to his chest.
“Rex, I- I…” your voice was hoarse as you finally croaked out, albeit weakly.
Rex looked at you with soft eyes, anticipating what you were about to say.
You looked away.
“You-” a sob. “You deserve better.”
Rex was about to open his mouth to protest but you interrupted him. Your will to talk has returned.
“I am nothing. All I ever do is be sad all day. I c-can’t even do the things I like anymore, I often forget! I-!“
“Stop!”
Silence.
He never yelled at you.
You closed your eyes as more tears trickled down your cheeks.
“Listen, cyare look at me,” he whispered.
You reluctantly brought your eyes to him.
A drop of tear was running down his beautiful face.
Rex was crying.
He never cried. You made your stoic Rex cry.
“Ner karta. You listen to me carefully,” his voice cracked as he held your shoulders with both hands to ground you. “Don’t you ever say you’re nothing. You are everything to me. I suffer when you think so lowly of yourself.”
You never knew Rex felt that way. Your lip quivered, about to apologise but he continued.
“If only you could see the way you are through my eyes, the way you love me, the way you care-” he held your face and gently wiped a stray tear with his thumb.
“-the way your eyes light up when you talk about your interests, the way you close them when I hug you, the way these-” he took your hands into his own and shook them slightly. “-these hands tend to my wounds- physically and mentally…” he placed the both of them at the sides of his face.
“Don’t you ever say you’re nothing. You do plenty. It’s okay to not be okay. You don’t have to be perfect. You already are but you just can’t see that.” he finished in a firm tone.
His eyes studied your blank face as he kissed your knuckles.
“I love you so much, cyar’ika. Why won’t you understand that I do not want anyone else that isn’t you?”
A beat of silence.
“M’sorry Rex,” you said in a quiet voice.
“No, no, no don’t apologise,” he shook his head and kissed your temple.
“I should be the one apologising for snapping at you,” he whispered as he hugged you close.
You sniffled and wiped your eyes.
“Will you let me take you to bed? I know you must be exhausted,” he asked, holding your chin between his thumb and index finger.
You nodded wordlessly as he stood and lifted you up with ease in his strong arms. He walked over to your cot and placed you on the mattress.Then, he tucked you in with a thick blanket.
When you sensed that he was about to walk away, you quickly grabbed his wrist.
“Rex, don’t leave me please-“
“Oh, ner cyare, I’m not going anywhere.” He assured you and bent over slightly to gently peck your lips.
You watched Rex with half-lidded eyes as he turned to remove his armour. Now that you’re certain that Rex will stay with you- although for a short time, you slowly drifted into a deep, dreamless sleep.
You knew that Rex would surely joined you in bed right after shedding his armour.
What you do not know however, is that your lover was weeping silently as he watched your peaceful form deep in slumber.
He held your hand, gentle as always, and brought it close to his heart.
How to end your pain? he ponders. He does not know.
A/N: This is a vent/comfort fic. I actually didn’t want to post this but then I realised that there might be people like me who are suffering silently so I would like to share this with them. Whoever reading this, remember that you are loved and please take care of yourself <3
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