everything you need to know about all the u.s. presidents
washington 1st; a grumpy old freemason and slaveholder
adams made it illegal to insult the president
tj a known rapist and slaveholder who “bought” entire regions of land from napoleon without consulting either congress or the people who lived there
madison slaveholder who got the country into the war of 1812, which resulted in the capitol getting burned to the fucking ground
jqa tried to create a more modern economic system, but nobody in congress gave a shit
jackson killed native people for fun; didn’t give a shit about your checks and balances; threw destructive keggers at the white house
van buren the kids called him “martin van ruin”, poor guy
william henry harrison gave the most epic, best-received inauguration address ever, then immediately caught pneumonia and died one month later; oops
tyler stealing texas from mexico was the best he could come up with
polk actually stole texas from mexico, because tyler didn’t get around to it
taylor was called “old rough and ready” and i don’t want to know anything else about him
fillmore his first name was millard; forced japan to allow foreign trade by sending the u.s. navy’s biggest gunships to tokyo; what a jackass, honestly
pierce would have annexed cuba, too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids
buchanan spent his whole presidency trying to prevent the civil war, but it turns out there’s no such thing as a “compromise” between people who think slavery is okay and everyone else
lincoln tol; won the civil war; declared an end to slavery; somehow got shot to death by a famous actor at a play that actor wasn’t even in
andrew johnson tried to stop black people from becoming full citizens; would have reinstituted slavery if congress let him; almost got kicked out
u.s. grant a civil war general; conveniently interred in grant’s tomb; was president apparently?
hayes never got over the shame of winning the presidential election on a technicality
garfield was shot by someone he didn’t hire for a job, actually died as a result of medical malpractice; turns out that doesn’t get you out of a murder conviction; no word on how he felt about lasagna
arthur mark twain liked him? kinda boring honestly
cleveland was both the 22nd and the 24th president, what the hell
benjamin harrison enacted all the tariffs; tried to extend voting rights to black adults and fund schools for black children but congress didn’t cooperate
mckinley annexed hawaii and occupied puerto rico, guam, and cuba through the malicious and imperialist use of his eyebrows, which were of satan; was shot to death by a fan of emma goldman
teddy roosevelt invented panama by starting a civil war in colombia; invented teddy bears by hunting actual bears; talked way too much about his “big stick”
taft a teddy wannabe, but had a better mustache
woodrow wilson the kkk’s number one fan
edith wilson not technically a president, but did most of woodrow wilson’s work for him for months while he was dying
harding freed the political prisoners; was super-popular until he died and it turned out his cabinet ministers had been embezzling, oh dear; there’s a sad song about him too
coolidge granted citizenship to native people, yes it fucking took that long
hoover the great depression happened, he tried to fix it with taxes and tariffs but nobody cares
fdr banished thousands of american children to desert hellscape prison camps; our best-loved president so far; married to eleanor roosevelt
truman ordered the only nuclear terrorist attack in world history; had a middle initial but no middle name
eisenhower ran under the extremely boring slogan “i like ike”; invented interstate highways and the term “military industrial complex”
john fuckin’ kennedy locked in a pathetic pissing contest with nikita kruschev that resulted in a number of wars around the globe and the first lunar landing; used the national guard to enforce the dismantling of jim crow segregation; was killed by a sniper during a parade and we still don’t know why, honestly this country is not okay
lbj forcibly conscripted american youth into the genocidal war he started in vietnam; also alleviated poverty and improved social safety nets domestically?? a real mixed bag sorta president, where one of the items in the bag is ordering young poor people to kill children in a foreign country
richard m. nixon the m actually stands for milhouse; nobody likes him; started the war on drugs because he wanted black people and hippies to disappear into prisons; claimed he was “not a crook”; was later found to be the biggest crook ever; the only president forced to resign; very good at erasing audio cassettes
ford everyone hates him because he was nixon’s friend and he pardoned nixon
carter a peace-living peanut farmer who just wanted to make everything better; your grandparents hate him because gasoline was expensive
reagan a former cowboy actor; literally laughed off the aids crisis; ramped up the war on drugs because he thought there still weren’t enough black people in prison; made some sketchy arms deals; invaded grenada for some reason?? was shot while in office and tragically survived; invented the term “welfare queen”
george h. w. bush invented nafta; war with iraq?
bill clinton dismantled social welfare programs; played the saxophone on nickelodeon; congress really cared about his extramarital affairs for some reason; famously asked for the definition of the word “is”
george w. bush war with iraq?? again??? and afghanistan too? everyone hates him because those wars went on for fucking ever and drove those countries and our own economy into oblivion; he got reelected anyway because the democrats nominated the least charismatic candidate they could find; almost became the first president to choke to death on a pretzel while watching football in office; ignored hurricane katrina as much as possible
obama was born in HAWAII, FUCK YOU
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