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[depressedandangsty]

Stability:

Seems like a gift.

Something you write on your Christmas list and wish and wish that Santa delivers.

Some thing so foreign, in a world full of uncertainty and turmoil.

But it isn't.

Just like any talent or hobby or anything we pursue with passion, intensity, and intentionality- it has to be learned and earned.

There's no faking it. You have to build it. Earn it. Step-by- ever-loving-blessed-step. Lessons atop of lessons until one day it all clicks.

Stability comes via development.

Self- improvement, self-growth, resiliency, better judgment, and, in turn, better choices. It isn't a comfortable path, and there are times when you just want to turn back. Because any change is tough and it's easier to deal with what we know. But, as with all life, we are dying if we aren't learning and growing and evolving ourselves mentally, emotionally, and all the other important 'lys'.

Find your stability.

Be your own stability.

Peace in the center of a storm.

You are your own sanctuary.

Peace comes from inside.

-rrrufdmnd

[depressedandangsty]

It's easier for me to accept that you don't want me, than to process all your logical answers.

It's easier for me to accept that I'm not desired than to hear about your stressors and problems.

It's easier for me to wonder why we are together than to accept that our love isn't a fairy tale.

Keep wondering how to keep trying to bring the fireworks back rather than accepting that stability is what we have.

It's easier to crave chaos and so hard to live in boredom.

But I know, deep down, I would miss you terribly.

And so I kill my inner fantasy, my desires for passion, my want of lust. All my thrill seeking ways.

To be a new version of me, I must let go of what I thought I wanted to pursue substance.

You see me for me and not some version of a facade. And for that, I'm grateful and guess I'll learn to love this real version of love.

-rrrufdmnd

[depressedandangsty]

Emotional Vampires

Thirsty for your love

Never having found their own self love

Drawn to your light so that they drink to their delight

When you finally wake up

You'll notice how weak and broken you have become

And all the while, they drink and drink until you are done

Once you realize all the lies and signs you overlooked

The truth is heavy to bear

You've been sucked dry by someone who never cared:

Had no desire for a future

Didn't believe in anything more than just a good time

Never grew past that immortal child with an insatiable thirst for love.

The more you gave, the more they craved. It will never be enough. Yeah, you just encountered an emotional vampire.

If you are lucky, you will see the signs:

The lies, the actionless words, the false promises, and constant apologies and faux hurt. The pick me energy and insatiable appetite for pleasure and fun.

It's clear they never grew up.

Once the disguise unravels, the real game for survival, your own well-being begins.

-rrrufdmnd

[depressedandangsty]

You know what's disappointing?

Finally saying something but nothing happens.

You finally found the courage, the nerve, the bravery to step out into the universe, and say what's on your mind. You feel sick to the stomach but liberated and exhilarated at the same time. You know in your spirit that what you are saying is truth and profound and needs to be addressed.

And the recipient just stares blankly back at you. They may have some type of expression, but it really isn't giving much. And as you speak, you realize that you haven't even cracked their mask while yours is all the way off.

And you hope and pray that all the practicing and preparing and editing and polishing, will make your communication effective, influential, and effect some change.

It doesn't.

You put it all out there and got crickets in exchange. Yeah, sure, they will "applaud" your efforts, validate your concerns, and thank you for your input. But that's it.

Nothing changes. And now you have singled yourself out.

Remember, your mask is all the way down. Sensitivity has a price. And it's costly.

-rrrufdmnd

[depressedandangsty]

I used to feel warmth all of the time.

Rage was an eternal inferno that never ceased.

And then I realized how heavy a burden such a flame was.

So I sought to squelch it and turn it to ashes.

And that journey, proved to be almost fatal. A quest I time and again failed.

But through it I found love. A new source.

The love wasn't an equal to the rage. A substitution that had many complications.

In the end, the love was stable and renewable and good. And thus created its own energy.

And now I feel rage singed warmth, a combination of new self and the scars of an old self, merged into one.

I found a new core.

-rrrufdmnd

[depressedandangsty]

It's scary to think about scary things. It's fun, until it isn't.

It's hard to do a hard thing. It's painful, until it isn't.

It's easy to do an easy thing. It's hard, until it isn't.

It's fun, to be, fun. Until it isn't.

All these things are scary thoughts. Dream until they aren't.

It's easy to dream. Believe with all your might.

You just have to be present to give.

You have to feel your feelings. All of them. Every single one you muster.

It's scary to think about scary things. It's fun, until it isn't.

You can't process until you process.

It's a hard thing to do until it isn't.

It's painful until it's easy.

Fun is of your choosing.

Be present to choose it.

Dream a life of your choosing.

Now create it.

Live it.

Explore it.

And when it gets scary, hard, painful, easy, fun just remember.

-rrrufdmnd

[depressedandangsty]

"Expectations"...

A vicious cycle of comparison. Any progress is picked apart. Any change made feels like it was too late. You wonder why couldn't this have been achieved before. You know it could have been, but again, you can't control anything. People change when they feel like it. People do things the way they want to. And that's the truth.

So expecting others to understand or put forth effort that you know they can or should but don't is just frustrating when they finally do what you expected they could the whole time. And you find yourself berating and trying to figure out why in the world this change took so long and why they didn't do it sooner instead of being positive and reinforcing the changes and effort. And because of that, they are just trying to move on and forget the past and not constantly be reminded that they took forever to do the bare minimum.

Now you wonder is it even worth moving forward. Objectively looking at how little was accomplished in x years and wondering how in the world can you wait for such little return and progress. You feel as though you will be a 100 years old before they get the basics of what you have been trying to teach and demonstrate and it's defeating.

What are "expectations"?...

Dream killers. Reality changers. A lonely place.

They are a false sense of reality. You think one thing, but the outcome was completely different. We can't control anything to make our expectations come to fruition. This is only true for the expectations we set for others. Expectations for one's self are sustainable and achievable. But it is lonely. Yet to achieve a lofty dream or goal, the road taken is long and arduous, and maybe we just need the support of others in the way they can show up every time.

My high expectations are only going to be for myself. I will never be okay with disappointing or letting myself down. And anyone in my life, I will never feel disappointed or let down because I don't have any expectations for or of them except the bare minimum that should be required of a decent human being. Their path and success in life are up to them. I have no control over anything but myself.

-rrrufdmnd

[depressedandangsty]

I am going to do something different today.

I am tired of feeling tired. I am tired of feeling like a failure. I am tired of being disappointed in myself. I am tired of letting myself down.

So today, I am going to do something different.

I am going to go outside. I am going to wash my car. I am getting out of my comfort zone which nearly destroyed my life.

Today I am going to give myself a reason to be tired. Today I am going to face my fears. Today I accept that I have a long journey but one good step forward is progress.

I am going to do something different today.

-rrrufdmnd

[depressedandangsty]

"To be a warrior in a garden" that is the dream. To be strong enough to overcome pain, obstacles, disease, bad luck, and hard times. Whilst being kind, humble, supportive, and genuine.

Create "the garden" and become "a warrior".

Overcome the breath taking and world ending pain. Overcome the past. Overcome the trauma. Overcome the bs. Overcome the excuses.

Become strong. Strong in judgment. Strong in character. Strong in will. Strong in self-discipline. Strong in endurance. Strong in mind.

Begin your garden. Create your life. Be purposeful in your decisions. Be purposeful in your time. Be purposeful in life.

Everything is of your choosing. Choose how you live life. Choose to not take the easy road. Choose your choices and make your decisions. Choose your meaning in life. Choose your life.

Be a good person. It is your choice.

-Rrrufdmnd

[radical-revolution]

[depressedandangsty]

You must have known how I would respond. Must have known that the truth would be too much, that you wouldn't be able to have your proverbial cake and eat it too.

You say you aren't dumb but I must be to have fought so tirelessly, crazily, so determined to keep this going. All the while you had one foot in and the other out.

I gave you my inner child and my deepest truths and secrets and in turn you gaslit me into depression and emotional turmoil. All the while you were making your plan of escape, going back to the ppl that you begged me to save you from because they were so hazardous to you.

I must be the idiot. I am the fool. And now I wonder what's the next step.

6 years which I can't repeat or take back.

I won't repeat.

I won't accept.

No more bs, because I don't have any more love to give.

[depressedandangsty]

Today was the first time I took a step back and decided it wasn't worth a fight. Today I decide to choose my battles and not waste my energy being negative even if they truly deserved it.

I am most likely going to get screwed over but there is a lesson here that I should have never forgotten and never will. Writing and documenting is king.

In this crazy world and I do mean crazy, where the dollar is king and everyone is fighting for the same limited number of goods- the rules don't exist or apply to everyone. And it definitely is a he said vs she said situation unless you document everything.

I was told the other day, that I am distrustful of others. Kind of makes sense in a world such as this, where caring for one another and doing what is right really isn't at the forefront of everyone's mind. Nope it really is becoming a dog eat dog world out here. And instead of me becoming a beast in this animalistic world, I will hone my mind, focus my strength, and choose the wars I will win. Because life isn't about your losses, it is about the lessons/the answers that you stand by and implement time and time again that brings about your desired outcomes. It is who you are when the mud starts slinging and civility is thrown out the window.

I want to and will be remembered as a human who strived to be the best human they could be. If not, at best, a decent person with a good heart, sound judgement, and a warrior in a zen garden.

-rrrufdmnd

[depressedandangsty]

Credit Alex Hormozi.

Facts.

Tough to put into practice.

But life changing if done.

Don't give up! I will believe in you until you believe fiercely in yourself 🙏❤️✨️ -rrrufdmnd

[depressedandangsty]

It is so soothing when I take it. The endorphins jump to the front. The thoughts and feelings all melt away. I am just one with the now.

My focus is intent. My purpose is evident. My passions are awakened. I find myself wondering why life can't feel like this every single moment of every single day.

And then the days blur into night. The nights blur into missed obligations. Everything is starting to unravel. The endorphins have taken a much needed vacation.

Now I am numb. Now I have to grapple with my 'new now'. My new norm is lacking in purpose. My evidence is based on what I am now struggling to retain. My struggles are now worse because I keep trying to escape them.

Let my endorphins return because I faced my challenges. Let them return because I owned my part of my troubles and let go of the woes that owned me. Let them return because I face my darkest fears by shining a bright light of attention, action, and accountability. My endorphins will jump to the front as I take responsibility for my wins as well as my losses.

I say no more to trying to find an escape. The tunnel is dark and only grows darker under the flicker of the tiny false hope from that pill, that drug... it all amounts to self destructive actions where control is at the center. But I now, will control myself. I now will control my actions. I now will live a life I don't want to escape.

-rrrufdmnd

[depressedandangsty]

Well never say never right? Guess that's why it is a saying. Something that has stood the test of time.

I say never doubt your intuition. That small gut feeling that persists and nags at you to wake up and take inventory of what is going on around you.

I am glad I listened. I would be worse off even though I wonder if this is any better. But I'm going to stop dwelling on what I can't change. I'm glad I took the steps I did and played the cards I was dealt.

Now, I need to focus on pushing myself and finding the next open door of opportunity and pray that it pans out better than this last one.

-rrrufdmnd

[depressedandangsty]

Today

Today- I am making the decision to live a life I want. Today- I am making a decision to change my dreams. Today- I am making the decision to stop an old dream. It has chased me longer, than I believed. Today- I am making the decision to dream free. Today- I am making the decision to live a life of my own. Today- I am making a decision to go the long road. Today- I stop chasing what has outpaced me. Today- I stop punishing myself for my misgivings, mistakes, and misfortunes. It is time to break the self-destructive cycle. Today - I am making a decision to turn the nightmares away. Today- I decide that I am not the sum of my failures, my past, or my mistakes. Because Today- I let go of the tattered and torn version of me. She hasn't existed, since I was 16.

To the old me that is clinging around: Today- I move past and live in the now. Today- I mourn what I once had. Today- begins the work of my new 'me'. Today - I dream of my new 'me'. I am letting go of the past. Today, yes, Today a promise I have made. Today, yes, Today I commit to making a change. Today, and every day, the work awaits. Because, tomorrow, yes tomorrow I'll smile, be happy and feel free for the first time in awhile.

Today-I humbly put my head down. Because, tomorrow, when I finally am ready to lift my head high and take a look around, I will finally see life abound.

[depressedandangsty]

I find it super difficult to not feel like everything has gone to shit. Like things have been going as well as can be but one bump in the road and I am ready to throw my hands up and say fuck it.

But a bump in the road is subjective no? Like what is a minor thing to some may be a major thing to others right? And I find myself wondering how to navigate through all of that. The bias, the perspective, the baggage all while trying to build a future, achieve a goal, and make a dream a reality.

I know I can always count on me. I am the definition of self-reliant and self-sufficient. Hope that I can find my like-minded community/build it as go because I know ppl and community are important.

Always wishing much love, peace and happiness-rrrufdmnd <3