Derbyshire Bike Tours

A comprehensive write-up on touring the best Shire in the UK on Bike.

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Flagg

Bike Tours Of Derbyshire: Flagg (Pronounced 'Flag' as 'gg' makes a sound similar to a 'g'.)

Flagg is a small village in the center of the peak district, 6 miles out from Buxton. On entering the village I was pounced upon by a local woman, wielding pruning sheers. She began to tell me all about Flagg and offered to give me a tour. Seriously, this happened, it's not a joke.

Flagg does have Flagg hall. A stately home dating back to the 1600's. Inside the hall is a Skull that cannot buried or else it will bring bad luck to the local area. Again, not joking, this is true. The hall is currently owned by Rusty Mycock. Insert your own jokes.

So Flagg has no post office, shops, pubs or entertainment. It does have a church, a clothes charity bin and a bus stop. Buses stop once a day and will take you to Bakewell or Buxton because to these people, that's the edge of the World.

I sat and had my lunch in the concrete bus shelter. Someone had scrawled 'Yellow' into the drying concrete. Presumably as their dying words.

Flagg is a wonderful, desolate, baron village. I highly recommend it as somewhere to pass through or somewhere charitable to leave your old trainers. 8/10.

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Shit Bike Tours Of Derbyshire: Kirk Ireton Well, that time of year has come again. Like a special needs kid going to Alton Towers, I’ve put on my helmet, strapped on my special backpack and blundered helplessly out the front door and off into the distance, caring not for the potential injuries I will pick up due to the sheer excitement of just being out the house. My first Derbyshire ride of 2016 takes me to the quaint village of Kirk Ireton. Found so high up in the hills, most of the Village’s buildings are actually slightly flat due to the lack of atmosphere. This place is all about small. Small churches, small houses. Small dogs sitting on small benches staring with small anger at me as I eat my lunch (see photos). As per the usual League Of Gentleman cliches, this village also boasts a ‘Coffin Lane’ - the 4th such village to have one on my tour. I don’t know what this means but it can’t be good. I saw exactly 5 people in my time in the village. All farmers leaving the pub, presumably to go and shoot ramblers on their land - A weekly Sunday tradition in Kirk Ireton. Overall Kirk Ireton gets 7/10. If you go, take bottled Oxygen with you.

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Derby Bike Tours: The High Peak Trail

The High Peak Trail is a 17 miles stretch of railway line running through the highest parts of the lower Peak District. The line runs almost flat and allows Cyclists, Centaurs and People the opportunity of playing chicken with oncoming trains whilst enjoying the scenic views.

The trail was originally built in 1800, and was used to ferry the quarried Limestone from mines to the alchemist's center to be turned into gold. Once all the Limestone had been mined, the trail was converted and nowadays you will find people walking dogs and having picnics amongst the squashed remains of quarrymen and train conductors.

The trail offers startling views of the 'shire, from Wirksworth to Buxton. The trail covers many fields, hills, farms and outbuildings with no people to be seen. In fact, you can ride naked almost the whole trail and no one will know. It can be our dirty little secret...

Anyway, High Peak Trail gets 8/10. Nice place to ride as long as you don't encounter prudish people who demand you put clothes on.

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Tours Of Derbyshire: 9 Ladies.

The 9 ladies are located in the Peak District on a big hill near some other big hills. They are 9 ladies who were deemed so boring and stubborn, they were dragged to a hill and left there until they became like stone. They are one of Derbyshire's oldest group of women, with some of them being 3000 years old. Such is the sanctity of this area, that pagans, hippys and other unpleasant people gather here every solstice to take drugs and decorate each other in Heather - a plant that grows in abundance around the area.

When I reached the area, I was able to walk about and take in the amazing panoramic scenery and other random stones that have been placed nearby (note the Minecraft Creeper on the weird stone tower thing). However, Once I got to 9 ladies, there was a group of teenage fucking hipster kids who had set-up their picnic right in the middle of the fucking Neolithic era world heritage site. Luckily the hills and valleys are vast and their remains will never be found.

Verdict: 2/10. Tourists ruin everything.

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Today On Bike Tours Of Derbyshire: Eyam

Today's ride took me over the 100km mark, with me covering 102km, avoiding bank holiday motorbike tossers and over-zealous sports car owners. (note: avoid Matlock Bath. Always.)

Yes that's right, today I went to the most Goth village in the world: The Plague village - Eyam!

Anyone who grew up in Derby knows the story, but for those of you who aren't locally born and inbred, I shall tell you the story. The year is 1665.  The country is being ravaged by a new super-disease, Bubonic Plague II, killing 1 in 4 people it infects (Bubonic plague I hit in the 13th C. but was not received well, chalking up fewer deaths). London is the worst hit but with people fleeing the city, they spread the disease, seemingly almost deliberately, to Derby. The village folk of Eyam bravely fought the plague with pitchforks and mead. This proved unsuccessful so instead, they chose to isolate themselves from anyone else and all die. Not a vastly successful tactic, but in doing so, saved the whole of Derbyshire.

The lasting effect of this morbid episode in local history is we have an awesome plague-village attraction. For example, the sign post looked like something out of Sleepy Hollow. Each house has a handy plaque, detailing who died and when. The local church has a graveyard hastily put together as bodies piled up faster than at a suicide booth outside a Nickelback concert. There is also a 'boundary stone'. A stone where locals would leave coins soaked in vinegar in the hope neighboring villages would stock them with Quaver crisps and Dr. Pepper. Sadly foil hadn't been invented yet so the Quavers would often taste of vinegar. This maybe when salt & vinegar crisps were invented.

To get there, take the A6 until you see the dark portal. Use freshly killed rabbits to barter the black demon of despair to carry you across to the gates of Eyam. Failing that, the Transpeak bus more or less goes the same way. However, for hardcore mode, cycle it you pussies.

Eyam gets 10/10. It's fucking excellent.

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Today on Bike Tours of Derbyshire: Five Wells

Five Wells is an ancient burial tomb in the middle of nowhere. It is famous for being the World's first disco hall. The hall, called the 'Musicdrome B.C.' met a sorry end when 30 young, stylish dancing fiends were buried alive as the roof caved in. These were excavated a few years ago, revealing human bones, platform shoes and over-sized sunglasses.

Nowadays, the tomb is sealed to prevent the spirits of the dancers from haunting Derby's entire club scene (both clubs). It now looks, feels and in fact is, just a wall of rock jutting out a field. This still makes it the most attractive night-spot in Derbyshire.

To get there, go to Wirksworth, ride the entire High Peak Trail then head 2 miles North. Random moment of the day: Please see the photo of the random caravan in the middle of fucking nowhere.

Five Wells gets 7/10. It's interesting for Indiana Jones, Groups of Teenagers looking to be killed and lost tourists. I wouldn't take your kids...Unless you were trying to abandon them.

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Today on Bike Tours of Derbyshire: Tideswell.

Found inside a Limestone Quarry, the small village on Tideswell boasts a population of 1200 (all related to each other), a church, a chip shop and a whole array of weird-wicker-man-gone-local clusterfuck village quirks.

Tideswell is famous for...Well, nothing. However in 2009, the village received £400,000 from the lottery to rebuild it's local food culture. The program was called 'Taste Tideswell', an ironic name given the effect can be achieved by mixing Limestone, Rain Water and Squirrel together into one local-tasting milkshake.

To reach Tideswell, I had to cycle a total of 71 miles (115km for you people in the modern World) across all manner of terrains. This has resulted in a large Fly having got cemented to the underside of my bike. I don't even...

There was literally too much League of Gentleman weirdness to photograph, but here are a few: A bin, empty, with bags of rubbish piled up behind it. A washing line with detergent boxes hanging off it (!). A fully grown man half the size of a door. A back garden with cows in it.

Overall I would warn any outsiders from visiting this truly odd place. Interesting to view, but from a safe distance. 4/10.

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Today on Bike Tours of Derbyshire: Carsington Reservoir

Carsington Res' is the largest puddle in Derbyshire. Built in 1980, the puddle collapsed in 1984 due to the walls being built from water. After rebuilding the walls with concrete, Carsington was opened to the public in 1992. Since then, the reservoir has become Derbyshire's favorite place to sail, swim, dispose of mattresses, dump corpses and test witches for guilt or innocence.

To get to Carsington, head out towards Ashbourne and look for the big watery thing nearby.

Overall, Carsington is a wonderful place to drive your children to their watery death. The depth of the water body is such that your fatal psychosis will not be discovered until global warming is cooking us all. 7/10.

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Today on "Derbyshire Bike Tours" we have Elvaston Castle. I managed to fall off my bike yesterday so today was a retard journey to rebuild my confidence. Originally a stately home, these grounds have since been overrun by alvaston people, who shelter here during hard times when they have eaten all their young. A preferred place to gather Magic Mushrooms and dump used car parts, these grounds have been ruined by years and years of...People. 4/10.

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Today's bike ride took me to Wirksworth. It was the first proper ride on my new 'stylizedrockhopper29'2014omgitsawesome'. Wirksworth lies about 16 miles north of Derby. Settled by tribes people in 1946, the town has undergone something of a revolution in recent times and now has 2 street lights and a water tap. This time of year is when the locals prepare their yearly harvest ritual, where 3 lucky girls under the age of 6 are chosen as sacrifices to ensure the following years coal supply won't dry up. 7/10.

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Today on 'Bike Tours Of Derbyshire': The South Derby Canal System. The canal system was built in the 1800's and is still Derby's most popular route for importing slaves. A friendly, close community, one Boatman put me at ease by exclaiming "Don't worry, we only do the dark ones nowadays" as I rode by. Beware outside the locks, for this system becomes feral very quick as my Rockhopper found out, getting it's first trail experience. I also got lost and ended up practically on the motorway - A sight I was relieved to see after 12 miles of wasteland. 5/10.

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Today on 'Bike Tours Of Derbyshire': Willington Cooling Towers. The townsfolk of Willington have always prided themselves on their smart thinking. Eager to jump on the modern invention of 'Electricity', the town built the Cooling Towers in 1954, copying the nearby Derwent Power Station. Unfortunately they did not realize that you needed a power generating facility as well and so the towers have stood isolated and derelict ever since. A testimony to nothing but man's arrogance. The people eventually elected to move inside the towers and carve out an existence as nothing more than hunter-gathering tribes people. A fence was built around the towers in 1990, for the locals protection as well as anyone passing by. A pleasant ride, more so if you bring raw bacon to feed the locals through the fence. 8/10.