Deserted lexi

Please don't let the smile fool you, I'm not okay anymore..

[desertedlexi]

My pain got the better of me

I wasn't alone literally, 

But I felt like I was... Drinking with "friends" and chatting about ex's, should of known it would go wrong. 

I wasn't drunk enough my friend said, as I split my drink all over the couch. I responded by taking a few more shots, I should of had my doubts.

We then went to the bar where I became numb. I talked to some guys tried to have fun.

But the moment came when I saw my face, in that pretty little mirror.. 

I ripped it off the wall, it came shattering down. Onto me and my friend cuts all around. 

I got kicked out of the bar, so i stumbled away, to the park by the tracks hoping to take my pain away.

A quick slice with the razor to calm myself down, where are you going? asked a few cops from town. 

I got escorted to the car to be taken home I guess, they never knew I was trying, to reach the end with death

[desertedlexi]

I stopped checking for monsters under the bed when I realized their inside of me!

[desertedlexi]

trust? yeah, it takes years to earn and seconds to break!

[desertedlexi]

don't worry just breathe if it's meant to be it'll find a way !

[desertedlexi]

Powerful story

When I was a freshman, my sister was in eighth grade. There was a boy in two of her periods who would ask her out every single day and she said no. 

[desertedlexi]

What I painted today

[desertedlexi]

and when the night comes im all alone again

[desertedlexi]

conversations with my childhood self

I'm suppose to write a letter to myself when I was a kid for homework so I guess here it is.. 

I'm sorry... I don't know how to tell you to get through the shit your going to face but you will. I know the fact that your mother isn't always present kills you because not only is she not there but your dad isn't either. You're alone with this man that's suppose to be your "fill in dad" or as they call them step dad's who really doesn't care about you yet. It's not your fault he's trying to hold onto things he feels he's losing himself and you're not one of the things he's losing right now. When he hurts you please know that it'll make you stronger, but please don't think that this is what love is. Love isn't hurting someone you care about I don't really know what love is but it isn't that.  I know your mom watched it happen and at times you may feel like she isn't there for you, that she doesn't care about you and maybe just maybe you deserve all this because you did something wrong. But you didn't! I don't think they know how to handle their own emotions and sometimes it's just the chance of being in the wrong place at the wrong time or saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. I know you won't believe me when I say this but you have more in common with your mom then you think. One day I swear she will find you and bring you back to her and start the relationship you always dreamed of having as a kid, it's just not possible right now. 

I hope you know that just because your family treats you this way doesn't mean the entire world will. Not everyone is set on taking their anger out on other people so please don't do that for to long as you will become so lonely. I wish I could tell you that cutting wouldn't fix things, That it really is just temporary. I wish you never picked up the scissors and cut that first cut because I know how much relief it brought to you. Scissors were only ever used once before the razors and as much as it kills me today to look at my body of scars I know it didn't fix anything. It made things worse... Maybe you should talk to someone about all the hate that you have boiled up inside about yourself to see for one second if it can be justified. I know people may not think your shy but I know you are and I don't want you to go through life hiding what's really going on. 

[desertedlexi]

I need a break from the loneliness that is totally consuming me

[desertedlexi]

[desertedlexi]

I live in a place where it's okay to be a slut but it's not okay to be open about it. I live in a place where screwing around within your circle of friends is the norm. I live in a place where drugs come first, friends second relationships third. I live in a place where one spoken word is heard by every ear. I live in a place where problems are solved with one night stands and drinking. I live in a place where friends betray each other to get ahead. I live in a place where money consumes you. I live here and I'm none of these things so I'm seen as crazy...

[desertedlexi]

I use to think the worst feeling in the world was losing someone you love, but I was wrong. The worst feeling is the moment you realized you've lost yourself.

[desertedlexi]

or did you just not want to believe it to be true 

[desertedlexi]

[desertedlexi]

I'm hurting myself on the outside to try and kill the thing on the inside

[desertedlexi]

I'm hurting so much right now

Everything hurts so much inside and my thoughts are so overwhelming yet so distant, whirling about and never leaving me. I argue with my rational self and the self that's really hurting and doesn't want to carry on anymore. I do cut myself. I don't cut to die, I don't cut for attention, I cut because it makes me feel better for just a few minutes. It's like a drug- instant relief. Everything's okay for a while. The world stands still and my mind feels cleared. It's difficult to explain. I want to cry so badly sometimes, and I can't.and I literally ache inside; the feeling is unbearable and when I cut myself some of the pressure and hurt from inside is released. I know it's stupid; I know it's wrong, but sometimes it's the only thing that gets me through.

[desertedlexi]

I almost hate letting people into my life because they always leave