The inner turmoil of my mind

This is my the place where I can hopefully pour the destructive malice of my overbearing thoughts and feelings into words. -- I'm just a girl trying to find a place in this world

[desirousmuseisoncrack]

Fuck.... I am alive. I am 27... 28 at the end of the year and going through this blog and... so upset at the fact that I DID lose most of my twenties to everything I was afraid of...

[redactedc]

brown girl dreams: independence and autonomy 😩👌🏾💦💦 being able to travel the world ALONE 💦💦 living alone WITHOUT being married 😩👌🏾💦💦sexual autonomy 😭✨✨escaping cultural and family expectations 😭❤️️❤️️ having the freedom to choose our own career ….not being guilt tripped for wanting to deviate from the norm 😩👌🏾💦💦

[desirousmuseisoncrack]

There is nothing like being a 24 year old brown girl. Honestly. There comes an age when saying “My parents said no” or “I am not allowed to do that” becomes too much and it just seems completely odd to say that, and you feel so embarrassed to even say those words so you just lose out on a lot of life experience because of strict parents. Currently, I am working. I finished university last year and am working until I start PDP (teaching program) in the fall. I am working because that program costs a lot of money. I was fortunate enough for my parents to pay most of my tuition for school (because they did not want me working full time and spending seven years to finish school. I paid a part of it, as I worked part time but they did most.) I am not someone who goes out much or goes on trips like my friends do to Whistler or Vegas for a couple days because “not allowed to.” If I go out twice a month, they question it. Now, the one time I treat myself to a day trip to Seattle for a concert and I don’t hear the end of it, to the point of me wanting to cancel because I am hearing so much because for once I decide to treat myself. But the main problem is that emotional manipulation. I brought up the topic of moving out once I finish my PDP and am a teacher, and they flipped because “you would rather give your money to strangers than give back to your parents?” They questioned me. Then my mom pulled the “You don’t even pay for your insurance and other bills” and I was seething because they don’t LET me. I have wanted to so many times. On one hand, they want me to save for school because it will be like $12,000, and on the other they throw back in my face that I don’t pay. My mother was adamant that “you will not be moving out until you are married, we do not allow it and if you need to be independent, you can put a share into a new house with us, give us rent later and live in the basement.” Then she went off about how “this is how you repay us through putting you through school?!” I didn’t ask them to. I wanted to pay myself because I KNEW this would happen. I feel so hopeless. Because I have no freedom to do what I want. I always have to ask and that is embarrassing at my age. I can never stay overnight anywhere. I don’t want them knowing my business if I chose to stay in the basement. Culture is such a bitch, and none of this is good for my mental health. No wonder I am so stressed all the time. I always feel like I am in prison.

[desirousmuseisoncrack]

While I am at it, I wanted to wear a slightly off the shoulder kameez for my cousin’s mayaiaan and my mother went ham. I am TWENTY FUCKING FOUR when else am I going to wear clothes like this, when I am 60? I will probably need permission then too.

[desirousmuseisoncrack]

I think everything has just been worse because I have been keeping it in, but man, my mental health was at its worse 2017 with stuff but just living in the environment I live is so toxic. I get treated like a child, need permission to do the most embarrasing basic things yet for some things I should already know how to do (like make sabji blah blah) but that is the thing YOU CANNOT PICK AND CHOOSE WHEN YOU WANT ME TO ADULT.

Because of my mother’s strict parenting, I have lost my two best friends because I have not been able to be there for them as I would like, my depression and anxiety has been through the roof and then with waitlisting on my school it just keeps adding up. I feel like I am going to waste my 20s by doing nothing and not being cultured and meeting new people because I am so sheltered. I am just so sick and tired of it. I have been trying to fight back but that equates to me “talking back” and it is so funny because she loves to compare me to my cousins and every other kid she knows that apparently is an angel but NEWSFLASH, they go out too.

Honestly, this household makes me suicidal sometimes and I only have myself. My sanity is barely there.

I just really hope I get to live out the rest of my twenties to my accord.

[desirousmuseisoncrack]

Ask for permission?! I am fucking 24, I don’t need to ask you for permission when I go out to eat with my friends. Fuck sake. I am fuming, let me be an adult.

[desirousmuseisoncrack]

I guess I just needed to get this off my chest. I am 23 now.... and you know what utterly terrifies me? The fact that I will have my twenties go by and I will have experienced nothing. I see a lot of people surrounding me going out and doing things (let's not even talk career and education, that is an existential crisis on its own) but you know, they are living life, doing things that people in their twenties do — going out, meeting people, pubs, clubs, just hanging out. And then there is me, someone who barely sees her friends and when I do every few months, it is either at my house or their house or maybe going out to dinner. I am exhausted, simply put, of having to fight for my freedom of going out. I am not the type to go out and get wasted (since I have been legal at 19, I have drank like three times and it was like a cocktail and if my parents knew that they would be ballistic). I want to experience night life, go dancing (my mom thinks clubbing is absolutely vile and a disgrace) just have a night on the town with friends. You know what sucks? My best friend moved to Australia and when she came home for a month after a year, I only saw her twice... and my best friend who lives here, I saw just as much... throughout the whole year. It has gotten to the point where this has caused rifts in our friendship because they are allowed to go do things and I am not and it is gets so frustrating because I have never done anything to make my parents think I would do anything stupid. I just want to experience things, you know? What is amusing is my mom apparently, according to my younger sister who heard her speaking to my aunt, told her that she wishes she would give me more freedom in high school so I could have found a boy by now which makes me laugh so hard because I call bullshit. She doesn't let me go out NOW (23, basically in my last semester of uni) so when was that supposed to happen? I see people my age, (including other brown girls) going out, going on trips with their friends, just.... living and experiencing life... and then there is me who cannot even do it in the most innocent of ways. I am so unimaginably frightened of one day realizing I am 30 and haven't even stepped out into the world. I have been told to fight for it but, I try and I try and I am met with WWIII and so much yelling and screaming that makes me wonder why bother. I don't even know what this was but I just needed to get it off my chest.

[desirousmuseisoncrack]

My blood pressure right now.... ..... I am literally shaking. Never have my parents brought up marriage like this, so adamantly,  saying I need to be married by 25 or else, like gee, not like I didn't have anxiety issues about this already thanks. Because thinking about this makes a huge pit in my stomach and makes it feel like someone punched me and I can’t breathe. Talking about all my cousins and shit and how they settled by 21/22/25 and how I am 22 and it is time to start looking. And how if I have someone to tell them.

I laughed so HARD and said WHEN and WHERE am I supposed to find someone? I go to school and come back, they never let me go out that much because questions upon questions and it is not worth it.  And also because my type would never go past them because sorry, but the Indian guys here aint my thing. I can’t stand the gangsta ballin’ status in the club shit that these brown guys like to pull off.

And I am finally at the spot in my life where I am moving on from a past heartbreak (well, I will never fully recover because he will always have this hold on me) but I am finally happy myself and I like being alone. And they said they don’t care but need me to get married by 25 or else. Because even that is pushing it for age. I am literally in tears right now at this frustration because no. No. No. I can’t. My stomach is hurting. You know my image of marriage is fucked when this is so dreadful I want to throw up. I don’t.... I honestly have told them I would rather kill myself than be forced to settle. If it is not love, it is not happening and I am not finding that where I live. I need to find myself and explore first. But lol, after marriage I can do that shit right? :) :) :)

[desirousmuseisoncrack]

Whenever people reblog and favorite my things it makes me sad to know others are going through this because I wouldn't wish this patriarchal bullshit on anyone.

[desirousmuseisoncrack]

I think that this is a New Years tradition. My parents fighting about how I'm not gonna get married and remain and unwed embarrassment for the rest of my life. Lmao. It happened last year too. I'm 22 chill. You're acting like you've given me reason to want to get married after what I've heard and grown up with.

[desirousmuse]

This has been on my mind lately a lot and just gnawing on my insides and here I am trying to concentrate on studying for my math course and I just….. look at me. I am studying for math to get into another higher level math so I can check off my requirements of becoming a teacher to qualify for the teaching program. If it all goes the way I want it to, and I become a teacher, I will be so happy. 

                                But…. 

                                           … there is always a but.

I don’t know how I feel about the future that I see – one that seems insipid and just… tedious. I do not want to live in this town the rest of my life, I want to experience new things and meet new people and engage in different cultures and drink in the history of the world. I am so afraid that if I become a teacher here, I am going to be stuck here for the rest of my life. I know it is probably all “Go teach somewhere else’ but…. Indian parents man, you know. Even thinking about living alone if you aren’t married is “shameful”. The only time I feel like I will get to experience a different life is when I get married and that is something I [don’t] want. Because, right now, it doesn’t seem too promising. I am not going to marry just to marry, love is not something I am going to settle for. I know that as I get older, my deadline, according to my parents, is going to get tighter. Hence them always talking about when I am going to finish school even though I am only 21. I guess what I am really scared about is living a mediocre life, with a 9-5 job and without any passion. And then really scared on top of that being forced to be with someone who has no passion, no quirks, or is nothing like me. Because I know the type of “nice Indian boys’ my parents have in mind are nothing like me – nothing. I need passion, I thrive by it. Hell, I am a girl who cries at fictional characters like they are family, I use references in every day life. I am weird as fuck. I am not a prop to go into someone’s else’s house and become their personal maid after marriage. (You can clearly see how much I don’t want this and how I view this)

I guess, my future just scares me shitless because I don’t any…. becoming me. I don’t see any opportunities to experience life or find myself and the daunting thought of having to “settle” is just…. there. And I don’t want it. I don’t want any of it. Sigh. I just don’t know. I don’t want to be old and wish I had another life to redo this one.

[desirousmuseisoncrack]

When you’re 22 and your mother thinks that you’ve been “passing your limits with your obsession with make up”……..

If I go to uni, I wear BB cream (not always), eyeliner and mascara.

Or if I’m out just because eyeliner only most times.

Just because I mentioned these two lipsticks I really liked. Seriously. What….just……W H E N do you want me to wear make up then? (I know the answer to this: “When you’re married”) Let me control some aspect of my life god. A black line on my lids gives me more confidence than it should and I need it when dealing with Indian parents. Hot mess inside let me seem somewhat put together outside.

[desirousmuseisoncrack]

I can seriously never do anything right by my mother. Ever. No matter how hard I try. Comparisons on top of comparisons. I asked for a small little thing. My best friends birthday weekend which includes a sleepover and it blew into a whole rant. "Why do you need to sleepover. Why is it a whole weekend. Why can't it be on day. Why why why" like what do you think I am going to do? We aren't drinking. We are literally hanging out and staying up all night watching movies. My best friend does so much for me and I owe her that much on her BIRTHDAY. I would give her the world if I could. I asked them before and my mom said yes so I took 2 days off work and now all the sudden I should have asked them before doing it. What. I asked. And "oh so you can take two days off for a friend but not for us?" What even. I have been working every single damn day of this break so excuse me for wanting to take a break. I am 21. I feel like I have no life. If I spend more than a half hour by myself then I get yelled at. "You were in your room all day" What?! and then it turned into a "When your aunt and uncle were here you were on your part the whole time". We are always over each others houses so it shouldn't matter. Besides they talk about their mind and other shit. I can't when I have nothing to say. I overheard my mom talk about how I am of age and need to learn to how to sit in families because it doesn't look nice as my time will be coming up. Marriage she means. Fuck. That. No way. I don't care if my cousins are only a bit older and marrier and good little girls. I am not them. What does that have to do with a sleepover anyways. Honestly I want to cling to my fictional worlds because I hate this place. I am going to be old and gray with no stories to tell.

[supernatasha]

Shoutout to all my desi kids who have complicated relationships with their parents and are constantly made to feel guilty for not being grateful to abusive mothers and fathers.

[kiyaksgian]

you are never truly an indian if you haven’t made a run for chai boiling over on the gas 

[fuckyeahsouthasia]

[its-warda]

This is so gorgeous guys!