I guess I just needed to get this off my chest. I am 23 now.... and you know what utterly terrifies me? The fact that I will have my twenties go by and I will have experienced nothing. I see a lot of people surrounding me going out and doing things (let's not even talk career and education, that is an existential crisis on its own) but you know, they are living life, doing things that people in their twenties do — going out, meeting people, pubs, clubs, just hanging out. And then there is me, someone who barely sees her friends and when I do every few months, it is either at my house or their house or maybe going out to dinner. I am exhausted, simply put, of having to fight for my freedom of going out. I am not the type to go out and get wasted (since I have been legal at 19, I have drank like three times and it was like a cocktail and if my parents knew that they would be ballistic). I want to experience night life, go dancing (my mom thinks clubbing is absolutely vile and a disgrace) just have a night on the town with friends. You know what sucks? My best friend moved to Australia and when she came home for a month after a year, I only saw her twice... and my best friend who lives here, I saw just as much... throughout the whole year. It has gotten to the point where this has caused rifts in our friendship because they are allowed to go do things and I am not and it is gets so frustrating because I have never done anything to make my parents think I would do anything stupid. I just want to experience things, you know? What is amusing is my mom apparently, according to my younger sister who heard her speaking to my aunt, told her that she wishes she would give me more freedom in high school so I could have found a boy by now which makes me laugh so hard because I call bullshit. She doesn't let me go out NOW (23, basically in my last semester of uni) so when was that supposed to happen? I see people my age, (including other brown girls) going out, going on trips with their friends, just.... living and experiencing life... and then there is me who cannot even do it in the most innocent of ways. I am so unimaginably frightened of one day realizing I am 30 and haven't even stepped out into the world. I have been told to fight for it but, I try and I try and I am met with WWIII and so much yelling and screaming that makes me wonder why bother. I don't even know what this was but I just needed to get it off my chest.
