Meanwhile on the Other Side...
It’s hard to know where to begin, so I guess the start of this fiasco is as good as any other place. Whether other parties involved will ever see this, I’m not sure and I haven’t decided yet, (the only good thing about this cesspit site is no one gets famous on here). Part of me doesn’t want to get drawn into this game of “he said, she said,“ and another part of me knows this post will likely be rebuked with more confabulation. But to leave it unaddressed really makes me no better than any of the people involved here, who have sent me threats, invented conspiracy theories and gone to war to fight for my name, without ever asking me if I wanted that.
Before I get into it, I want to highlight a simple, evident truth: **if someone had just emailed or IM'ed me at the time all this kicked off, I could have stepped in and quelled the situation.**
But no one did. Instead, they ruminated, stalked each other and formulated complex illogical stories, in-filled with wild speculation. Not once did I ever post a story of my death, never started rumour nor encouraged such distasteful fantasy. Quite the contrary, I have been very explicit with my posts and journals since 2021, clearly citing that I was retiring from professional commissions and giving my reasons for fading from social media. I did not suddenly vanish to incite gossip. I gave months and months of public notice. And for the majority of my followers who payed even the slightest attention, this did not stir up any drama - they respectfully accepted my decision. Only a few gormless trouble-makers have gone off the rails with their own complex conspiracy.
The truth – as always – is a lot simpler.
Back in 2020, I had a falling out with a friend of two decades. It was a long time coming, and it was me who decided to call it quits. This person is known online as @hamstermastersamster.
She had been struggling with repeated spells of burnout from work, and seemed to be trapped in a cycle where this kept happening. I supported her efforts to seek CBT, but she was a very secretive, private, introverted person, so it was hard to gauge if she was actively trying to recover or relapsing. I don’t think she ever realised just how hard it was to constantly tip-toe around her mood, triggers and very strong opinions. That last year in particular, I really struggled to find things in common with her, and gradually I found myself drifting closer to different clusters of people.
The tipping point was in April 2020, the day after my birthday. I ended up in hospital with sepsis and a ruptured appendix. It was pure bad luck. It simply happened. And sadly during lockdown too, so I was on my own in hospital, no guests allowed. It was the most isolating, frightening, painful experience of my life. I do not recommend it!
I had to have emergency bowel surgery and left hospital with an 8 inch incision, a drainage tube and giant staples. I lost a lot of weight, bloated with diamorphine, daily heparin shots and antibiotics for months, and couldnt care for myself at all. I had to move out of my home and in with my mother, who nursed me back to health over the next 8 to 9 months.
What’s this got to do with anything, you ask? Context. Reality. That’s what. This isn’t a pity party, this is just factual. I’m only glad Sam didn’t decide to share those photos as well. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
About 3 weeks after surgery, I realised I could no longer deal with Sam’s emotional needs, fixations and general negativity. It felt as though she would blow her top over simple triggers, and this overly stressed behaviour was getting increasingly worse. So, I decided enough was enough. I didn’t have the physical or mental strength to endure any more. If I was ever going to get back to health and on with my new job (which I had to postpone due to the surgery), I had to let such emotional burdens go.
After her final outburst, I asked her not to contact me again.
She promptly deleted her discord without a word, and poof, vanished. Honestly I felt relieved initially. And over the next month, I focused on healing, regaining some of my strength, and trying to arrange my bills around the fact that I was currently without an income, and unable to support myself physically and financially.
After a month, the guilt wormed its way in. As it always does. And I felt increasingly bad that I had cut Sam out of my life so abruptly. We had worked on some of her issues together in a bid to get her better, and I still felt I was partly responsible for her mental health. Yes, I know that’s not true, but you try having a friendship longer than my mortgage agreement and then just ending it.
Unsure if I should smooth things over, I posted a very brief summary online and asked for advice in a few places which included Discord, Reddit and DeviantArt. The consensus was simply to say a kinder goodbye and leave it at that.
This is exactly what I did, it was the decent thing. I suspect if I hadn’t smoothed things over, Sam would not have looked back. That might be OK for her, but closure is important for mental health and I’m not the sort to let bad feelings fester. So in July 2020 I extended a peace offering. I did not want to rekindle the friendship as it had run its course. If you want to see those messages, Sam has already posted them here. I’m very bothered that she feels it acceptable to post a private conversation for no reason other than to pad out her theory. Immoral, inappropriate and I’m not even sure of the legal stance on this, but here you go: https://docs.google.com/document/d/13bYDk0QcRDjnIYfRBcZPJmjLZZpp8dYNabE8UjvE3B8/edit#heading=h.kopbequj2sbq
That was the end of the friendship, and I was ok with it. It was over, but tidy. No loose ends.
For the next 6 months, I healed, had another much smaller surgery following an acute thrombotic attack caused by the first surgery (a stroke in laymen’s terms), was diagnosed with PTSD because of all this fear, got a better doctor, a dietician, an occupational therapist, some disability pay and was able to return to work on reduced hours, working from home (technically my mother’s home). I finally returned to my own home at Christmas 2020, having been living with my mother since April.
The new job was challenging but engaging. They were pleased with my progress, and I was improving well. Work offered me a fully funded place on a post-graduate degree to become an independent prescriber. I took it. I was getting back on track. All was well with the world.
My only issue after the surgery and mini stroke was my lack of interest in online activities any more. I no longer wanted to do art commissions, or spend my evenings on forums or discord groups. There was still a number of people in my social circles that I realised were also very troubled, rather draining and generally unwholesome. Many had not coped well with the lockdowns, and had gone more than a little strange. I decided I didn’t want to constantly be other people’s crutch, and it was time to bow out and trim down my contacts list.
I finally decided I was going to retire from the online art world, and no longer do commissions or digital art. I was just going to focus on real media, my close friends, wholesome people and the good stuff. Besides, I had a lot of debt to pay back, and a post-graduate degree to crack on with, plus my day job. That was a lot of work and responsibility. I was still far from my previous level of health, and I was determined to recover 100%
To a few of my discord groups, I advertised around Christmas that I was leaving the digital art scene, I was winding down my commissions and would be retiring my online handle ‘Zyden’ along with the email, discord account, and a number of galleries. I speculated that within 6 months, I would no longer be responding to my dead name, and would simply fade out of memory.
Some people did not take the news well, asking if I was having a melt down, postulating I was making a mistake because I was still frail and ill in some way. Some of these people got quite offended by the "rejection” and determined to convince me otherwise, saying I was “throwing away my talent.” And I wont lie, I decided to blank these people, as I was simply fed-up of being told what I should be doing with my time, what I should be posting or thinking. I didn’t indulge them any further. I said my goodbyes on Discord over Christmas and in the New Year 2021, I deleted my Discord profile.
My evenings were mine again, I was free! More or less. And so I buckled down with my post-grad degree and career.
Over the next 6 months, I slowly inactivated 'Zyden’ across all my social media, leaving placeholders to avoid future impersonation. In July of 2021, I made the bold move to finally delete my DeviantArt gallery. I had put this off until last, as I was there for about 16 years. In June 2021, I had posted a journal to my DeviantArt followers, explaining my feelings about closing the gallery and deciding the deadline: July 1st 2021. This was a significant date for me, exactly 1 year from the day when my doctor signed me off long-term sick.
So in July 2021 I bid Zyden RIP 01/07/21.
The only place I remained was Instagram. I was content in my belief I had deleted, retired or inactivated all other galleries: Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, FurAffinity, DeviantArt, etc
People had significant notice to continue following me on Insta if they wanted to, and my watchers were well informed enough to know what was happening and why. After a suitably long pause and some contemplation, I changed my Instagram handle, so the name 'Zyden’ was no longer 'live’. I was now only posting my real media doodles for pleasure. Everything seemed very quiet. It was official, my professional art career would now rest in peace.
Things remained quiet until this month (October 2021), when people started following me, only to IM me on my instagram. There were accusations of art theft, ID theft, funerals and drama galore. What bothered me was I didn’t know any of these people.
Now you have to note that I was still signing my art as Zyden, because I was still friends with many other people IRL. Not online, but in the flesh. Real humans, can you believe? At meetups, Pride, and outtings, my friends call me Zyden. I wasn’t trying to convince anyone I had perished in the most literal sense. So I was not overly surprised these strangers messaging me called me Zyden.
But most had come just to hurl abuse at me, or ask me deeply personal questions. Some were quite bizarre. Quite soon, one name was dropped, cluing me in to where this mini-torrent of dumb was coming from: HamsterandTurtleSoup, also known as @hamstermastersamster.
Boy, was I ever in for a read. A long, convoluted and neurotic read.
It’s a story of scandal, harassment, multiple personality disorder and could possibly get a Netflix show in the fantasy genre. But of course, I would say that, wouldn’t I? Excuse me as I briefly roll my eyes so far back into my head, I can see my own brain stem.
I’ll link her story here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/13bYDk0QcRDjnIYfRBcZPJmjLZZpp8dYNabE8UjvE3B8/edit
According to Sam, I have spent the last year playing on tumblr under the guise of 5 or 6 different people, talking smack to her and having a go at her for not attending my fictional funeral. I also did not attend my funeral, but no one had a go at me about it. You can check out her claims at the link above, and enjoy the screen caps of multiple illiterate idiots, arguing, passing judgement, speculating and generally doing everything except the one thing they should have done: ** Spoken to me! **
Of the list of guilty names, I do not know who is most to blame. But I did recognise one person in the line-up called Cherry. *LiquidCherry*
This is the same Cherry who in 2013 to 2014 went through a spat of fangirl-level stalking and flattery to try and get into my good graces, as she wanted to be an admin of the DeviantArt group 'GetDailyDeviations’ that I moderated. This is the same Cherry who I had discussed with Sam, because the girl is someone I sold Prisma markers to; it worried me she had my home address. She is not from the US, she is in the UK! The same LiquidCherry who had started a facebook group featuring some of my art without my permission, and in 2014 I had her take my illustrations down.
I feel that Sam should know Cherry, or vaguely remember her at least.
Yet according to Sam, LiquidCherry is me in disguise. That’s one hell of an amazing disguise. An 8-year long disguise. One I set up and maintained, specifically for this future, in which Cherry is the mastermind behind all my actions.
It’s quite a magnificent jump to receive a few nasty messages online and then just assume that’s an old friend in disguise going on an inexplicable trolling rampage.
Not only do I have no reason to flip out and send such horrible messages, I wouldn’t ever plaster a personal attack online, let alone a public profile like DeviantArt. Again, you can see them in Sam’s post here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/13bYDk0QcRDjnIYfRBcZPJmjLZZpp8dYNabE8UjvE3B8/edit#
Sam herself says she doesn’t understand why “Zyden” would do this. That’s because I didn’t!
But did Sam message me and ask?
If she was angry and anxious - which honestly who wouldn’t be - she could have asked a go-between for help in moderating the conversation.
But no one alerted me. I have only just seen these messages, nearly a full year later. Why would you not message me? Or call me? She had my number. Clearly she still had me on whatsapp. How about email me? Anything would have sufficed. Instead, she deletes all trace and apparently blocked me. Sadly, I did not know I was in her bad books, as I was not browsing DeviantArt or revisiting old friends. I was busy moving away from an online presence.
Ignoring problems is not always the most logical. Running away from conflict is not always the safe bet. I can’t be held responsible for other people’s actions. And I can’t reign them in if they’ve decided to fight some imagined fight on my behalf, if I’m not aware of the behaviour.
Now, I can only speculate why Cherry trollspammed Sam, and I can’t go putting words into her mouth. But Cherry was one of the people floating about in my Discord socials, and she was well aware of my first hospital stay. She knew my break up with Sam had really put me off online socialising, knew of my stress with recovery and then my decision at Christmas to withdraw from various art sites, forums and my disappearance from discord in the New Year. I can’t defend why she over-reacted to me deleting my Discord. But she is in-charge of her own behaviour. I gave ample warning I was going, and I never cited Sam as being the singular reason for my withdrawal. Cherry’s destructive conclusions and behaviour are inexcusable, but I am NOT responsible for other people’s actions.
The only way I can communicate with Cherry now is via DeviantArt, and I already deleted my gallery back in July 2021 (we’ll get to that in a bit). I am not about to sign up again, just to get an explanation for something that happened a year ago. This tumblr is the only account I’m prepared to use. And this is a one-off special episode.
If there are screen caps of my Discord conversations, forum posts or anything else, I do not consent to them being spread around the internet. I certainly do not consent to people misrepresenting those screen caps, then twisting my words and using it to support ridiculous stories without bothering to check their sources. That source would be ME. Why didn’t anyone just speak to me? My email is right there in the art! I might not have been regularly monitoring my old email, but I did occasionally check in as I slowly withdrew my online persona. In 18 months, not one person thought to check in on me. You all just blindly believed the nonsense stories you shared, building on the stupidity of the person that came before you. It was the worst game of Chinese Whispers. Do they not teach critical thinking skills in school anymore?
Do I suspect that Cherry is also Desktop.Donnie? Hmmm, not entirely sure. They don’t read the same and I just can’t picture Cherry making that sort of effort. Messaging anonymously, yes. But not making fake accounts. Desktop.Donnie looks more like a do-gooder that got too invested, then lashed out. Hugs.Not.Thugs doesn’t give me any malicious vibes, and is more likely another do-gooder getting swept up in the drama.
Sun.knee.daze I can’t see has done anything at all or posted anything about me or Sam, so I’m really unclear where he/she fits into all this. Not to say they’re innocent, but I can’t see a crime from where I’m stood. Again, I don’t have any details to suggest Cherry is any of these accounts. I make no accusations. I feel there’s been enough silly speculation and flying off the handle already.
Now let’s be clear that posting a bunch of screen captures, and writing opinion, speculation and cherry-picking (lol pun) comments to fit your narrative is not “evidence.” That is NOT evidence. In fact, that’s some Daily Mail level media manipulation right there. People will always select information that backs up their own internal bias. Anything that contradicts that bias is rejected, because people hate cognitive dissonance.
Additionally, posting my gallery links all over your Tumblr, then saying “don’t contact this person” is obviously troll-speak for “totally rage on this person, my minions. Do my bidding and go cancel them.” Sam, that is savage behaviour, contradictory and I know you’re not that dumb, that you think a disclaimer like that in anyway makes you innocent. You may have been a victim of other people’s stupidity, but you are not the better person here. The story weaved, the assumptions and conjecture are overly complex, and the behaviour is the most neurotic. Real life is a lot simpler than fiction.
I have every intention of getting on with my life, satisfied only in the knowledge that I made the correct choice to remove these people from it, to thoughtfully step away from the internet, and to invest my time in real human connections.
It’s mortifying that I wasted 20 years of my life on a person who feels I was such a dreadful friend to them, that I would do any of the things she accuses me of. That’s got to be the ultimate betrayal. To read her calling me toxic after I worked so hard as her friend… But I’m going to be charitable in my thinking. I will assume she is only being that hurtful because of the crimes she feels I committed, and the upset that so much harassment has caused her. I am not asking people to fight my side, I am asking you to leave Sam alone, to stop baiting her, stop spreading rumour, and stop antagonising her or her friends. At the end of the day, she’s allowed to think what she likes about all this. I’ve now had my say, and there’s no added value in it for me to try and convince people of anything. None of this was ever anyone’s business but hers and mine, and it’s time you all left us alone.
I will not be posting links to anyone’s galleries or tumblrs. I will not be posting their correct names, nor screencaps that might be misrepresented or manipulated. I think everyone here has acted like complete morons, but I don’t want to see any more childish bullying. When I say leave all these people alone, I mean it. There will be no further art of any description from me now. Trying to share my happy online has ultimately only caused me too much grief. You all ruined a good thing. Congratulations.
So that’s it. It’s not a satisfying ending. But it is an ending.
#I cant believe Ive had to come back here now leave me in peace
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