chhht this is my secret place

blog for venting and yapping | «Dans le monde vous avez du tourment, mais courage, j'ai vaincu le monde»

[desperate-boyclown]

tw venting/3d blog

block, don't report please!

we are so back (march 2026)

he/him

25

bipolar (or borderline? we aren't sure), losing weight as sh + so people start taking me seriously when i say i'm not doing well

this is a side blog, so i can't follow back

i'm not comfortable with minors following me

My tags:

#boyclown diaries - for my weekly(ish) ED diary

#boyclown yaps - for my random yapping, can sometimes be venting

started january 2025

came back march 2026

height: 170cm

cw: 71kg

hw: 72kg

lw: 58kg? (i don't really remember)

gw 1: 70kg

gw2: 68kg

gw3: 65kg

gw4: 62kg

ACTUAL gw: 60kg

ugw: 50~55kg

weightloss plan

very little by little, so i can actually build a habit:

eating a bit less (smaller servings + sometimes skipping breakfast and/or 4pm snack)

"eating" only monster and cigarette when possible

playing Just Dance or Fitness Boxing at least 3×/week

daily regular workout exercices (crunches, squats...)

lots of walking

~~~ about me ~~~

my brain works in phases so i usually do one or two hobbies per month, but i generally like to:

think about my ocs

write

read

draw

crochet

play and make video games

i'm learning japanese! i love cats, cows and ducks. i am Very Normal about clowns and primary colors (aesthetically speaking).

i have a gf and she's literally the best (she doesn't know i started st4rving myself).

i think that's about it!

last update: march 13th, 2026

[maja-paja]

i feel like i deserve more credit for getting up in the morning

[desperate-boyclown]

i feel like i'm doomed to be a burden forever

[desperate-boyclown]

don't sh you have a date tonight

don't sh you have a date tonight

don't sh you have a date tonight

don't sh you have a—

[desperate-boyclown]

motivation not to sh: i'm going to a concert on tuesday (THEODORAAAAAA!!!) and i'll be wearing short sleeves i am NOT about to be making people feel uncomfortable or worst, trigger them

[desperate-boyclown]

white monster and cigarette for lunch, we're so back baybeeee

[banana-2005]

[octavio-world]

reblog to survive

[ronshakus]

masculine urge to get worse ★

#ed #malespo

[desperate-boyclown]

the evil urge to stop taking my meds so i can fucking FEEL SOMETHING (i must not listen it never ends well)

[desperate-boyclown]

the pain of reaaally wanting to die and being obsessed with the thought of death but never acting on it so you can't go to the hospital and just remain stuck home with your bad thoughts

[desperate-boyclown]

the "i REAAAALLY might be aromantic" thoughts are coming back aaaaa

my main issue is: as i'm slowly coming to terms with that, i'm also dealing with my commitment issues and realizing i might finally feel comfy being in a long-term relationship with my bf

so these really are two conflicting realizations to be having in parallel

like

am i actually aromantic or am i just autistic and having a hard time identifying my feelings? is what i'm feeling romance? but i've never felt like the books or movies describe it! maybe asking friends will help? but nobody seems able to properly describe how being in love feels! how do i knowwwww

(also my bro told me to compare to how i figured out i was ace to help myself but I LITERALLY CANT REMEMBER HOW IT HAPPENED AAAAA) (i might ask my aroace friend if they have some advice)

[desperate-boyclown]

update: it's almost a year later, and i finally figured it out. i had kinda buried these questionings, until they came back full force recently.

i did some thinking, watched youtube videos, asked my friends, and the only possible conclusion is: i'm aromantic.

it's horribly frustrating to only realize it know, but oh well. that's life.

what really made it clear is when my bro confirmed that there are *physical* sensations, feelings, when you're in love or have a crush. confirmed that the romance books aren't just making things up.

so.

now i have to talk about it with my partner. it's the hard part, so wish me luck.

[desperate-boyclown]

told my partner! it went well :) they said they will have to think about it, but for now we're good 👍🏽

[desperate-boyclown]

update UPDATE UPDATE: might have to backtrack on the aromantic allegations, for Reasons (long story)

i think it's just the autism making everything hard to acknowledge, decipher, and understand, sigh

[desperate-boyclown]

going out with friends right after cvtting real winner style

[desperate-boyclown]

vrai cringefail boy ne se coupe qu'au niveau des capillaires

[desperate-boyclown]

the "i REAAAALLY might be aromantic" thoughts are coming back aaaaa

my main issue is: as i'm slowly coming to terms with that, i'm also dealing with my commitment issues and realizing i might finally feel comfy being in a long-term relationship with my bf

so these really are two conflicting realizations to be having in parallel

like

am i actually aromantic or am i just autistic and having a hard time identifying my feelings? is what i'm feeling romance? but i've never felt like the books or movies describe it! maybe asking friends will help? but nobody seems able to properly describe how being in love feels! how do i knowwwww

(also my bro told me to compare to how i figured out i was ace to help myself but I LITERALLY CANT REMEMBER HOW IT HAPPENED AAAAA) (i might ask my aroace friend if they have some advice)

[desperate-boyclown]

update: it's almost a year later, and i finally figured it out. i had kinda buried these questionings, until they came back full force recently.

i did some thinking, watched youtube videos, asked my friends, and the only possible conclusion is: i'm aromantic.

it's horribly frustrating to only realize it know, but oh well. that's life.

what really made it clear is when my bro confirmed that there are *physical* sensations, feelings, when you're in love or have a crush. confirmed that the romance books aren't just making things up.

so.

now i have to talk about it with my partner. it's the hard part, so wish me luck.

[desperate-boyclown]

told my partner! it went well :) they said they will have to think about it, but for now we're good 👍🏽

[desperate-boyclown]

the "i REAAAALLY might be aromantic" thoughts are coming back aaaaa

my main issue is: as i'm slowly coming to terms with that, i'm also dealing with my commitment issues and realizing i might finally feel comfy being in a long-term relationship with my bf

so these really are two conflicting realizations to be having in parallel

like

am i actually aromantic or am i just autistic and having a hard time identifying my feelings? is what i'm feeling romance? but i've never felt like the books or movies describe it! maybe asking friends will help? but nobody seems able to properly describe how being in love feels! how do i knowwwww

(also my bro told me to compare to how i figured out i was ace to help myself but I LITERALLY CANT REMEMBER HOW IT HAPPENED AAAAA) (i might ask my aroace friend if they have some advice)

[desperate-boyclown]

update: it's almost a year later, and i finally figured it out. i had kinda buried these questionings, until they came back full force recently.

i did some thinking, watched youtube videos, asked my friends, and the only possible conclusion is: i'm aromantic.

it's horribly frustrating to only realize it know, but oh well. that's life.

what really made it clear is when my bro confirmed that there are *physical* sensations, feelings, when you're in love or have a crush. confirmed that the romance books aren't just making things up.

so.

now i have to talk about it with my partner. it's the hard part, so wish me luck.

[desperate-boyclown]

feels weirdly validating to self harm