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@dessieable-blog
20/1/2020
forming new relationships has always been hard for me, but things have been falling into place now. im surrounded by people who care about me and my mental health. i feel loved again and i feel like i can do anything i want to do. literally two years ago i was in such a bad place and thinking about sleeping and never waking back up but now, i sleep to remember the wonderful day i had and to start a new day
blackbear - do re mi
10/1/20
coming back to school was supposed to be better; i cut ties with those i thought were toxic to me but maybe i need to reevaluate again who i talk to. everyday has been something new. just the other day i thought about going back to s.h because the pain and confusion i feel in my head would be translated into something physical. im surrounded by the people i love but when will my love be enough to keep them around and have them hold on to me tight. when will i be enough for my so called friends? all i can think about is that there must be something wrong with me. why wont my friends love me back? why cant i see past people’s lies? its just another repeat of my past and when will i learn...
"Just remember that sometimes, the way you think about a person isn’t the way they actually are."
- John Green, 'Paper Towns'
21/11/2019
im overthinking to no one’s surprise. i feel like im pushing the people i want close to me and who care about me and that hurts me and them. im hurting myself and the people i care about. i love my friends so much but im scared im going to lose them, which is why i push them away and i never get close with anyone. i have all this anger pent up and its because of my actions, i need to learn how to communicate my feelings without attacking people because i feel too much and i care about people way too much. i tell myself it might be better not to care and just be happy alone, but i cant let myself let go
who do you love?
19/11/2019
isnt it funny how i drop everything to make sure that shes alright, but when i tell her that im upset or sad she brushes it off like she’s been dealing with more things than i have? whats the point of this relationship when its draining me being your friend? lately its always been about you...look at what IVE been doing with my life, my new boyfriend, my AWESOME life, my BRIGHT future..but when i needed help from stopping my thoughts from consuming me and bringing me down the hole again its always “oh” or [Delivered]...when one of your newer friends need help you message them right away and worry about how they’re doing and never fail to message them with no response. i love spending time with you but lately it feels like you just use me to get to the top. im always second best, always one of background/filler characters in your novel and i feel like shit whenever you message me for a favor because i cant refuse you. why is it that i have to put on a brave face for you when im the one with a mask on pretending everything is okay when its not. im done with being your back up friend; im done with trying to make excuses for your behavior. will i ever tell you this? maybe. but im not thinking with my head and telling you how i feel will upset you and that’s the last thing i would want to do. im sorry.
-dessie
people need to get behind my homie doja
