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my only problem with cutting myself is that i dont like going over cuts, it’s gross 😪 (i still do it anyways, but lmao)

i hate worrying people, so i need to like. cit everyone off for now

lmaoooo!! i relapsed!! (-::: i know i should be upset, but i genuinely feel like i deserve it. but it’s not much, its not even noticeable. im tired and i deserve it and they’re just reminders that i am shit and cannot be committed to anything. i want to keep going, but itll start becoming noticeable. and i genuinely dont want people to know. its like when people look at my scars... its like that, but FUCKING INTESIFIED. and its such a grosss fucking feeling.

#tldr #i deserve to relapse #i deserve to cut myself #tw #trigger warning

in the long run, will i be happy with you?

caught up in my own delusions, my answer is yes and it will always be yes.

but i dont want to be caught up making the same mistakes.

because they said you wouldn't and arent using me.

#a part two #but maybe you just want me around #for the hell of it?

i saw a few pals. and some of my pals who were couples. one is sort of recent, the other has been longer than mine. the male partners act like total mush towards them and it's really refreshing.

* though, it's really sweet and makes me want that with my boyfriend...,, it reminds me that we don't really have that dynamic.

* maybe it was like that before... but who knows, maybe we really do need a break?

we become lovers that hate each other

#are we exes #or naaahhh?#(#or not #?#)

i think this may be the first time i realized how easily stressed out...

* but i dont know if thats only with me?

#tater thots lyfe #420high #lmao.

is it better to trust a self-proclaimed pathological liar or trust someone you really think is trustworthy and would only tell the truth, but still lies to you?

* its a lot to think about, so ill probably think a bit more

but somewhere deep down in my heart, it beats a little bit faster when some thought about having a future with you comes across

#part 2 #what the fuck is up with my heart #my mind is doing the right thing

things are starting to fall into place, i cant screw this up. i dont have much time or money. and i cant let myself fall dependent into someone else's hands again.

it sucks that its all in the head, because i really want to burrow underground and hide in a very small tight space, so i dont have to feel this gross feeling

#too bad im claustrophobic #and thatll only last a good few minutes til i realize i cant really move too much #which will make me feel even more anxious

to describe how my anxiety feels or what it does to me: it feels like a monster, an unkind, judgemental monster. when i think of things that make me nervous, it takes physical forms that magnetize and comes together. it grows slowly, but its aura is there and spreads so far, that you get unsteady. it makes me unable to move, it makes me want to hide and wish i could forget.

#im probably going to draw it #make it some art thing #because i want to people to be able to relate #and help others who cant describe how it feels #since rn #im doing really well on how i feel about my anxiety #it comes in different forms obviously #but this is how i feel rn #i feel like throwing up

i know i dont ask for too much, especially materialistic shit. but the fact that my boyfriend says he doesn't have enough money for me.... when he spent about $40 on shares?? he said he bought more so probably he spent even more. but the thing is, thats his money.. so i cant really complain or tell him what to do with his money..

#just dont say you dont got money #when you like to easily splurge #do i still give you your gift? /-:#this is dumb...

after 8 months, i am still very confused & glad im not going to make the mistake of trusting him again

i realized i have severe trust issues

after all this time of being sleeping on, youd think i wouldnt have the motivation to engage in conversation with you anymore.

* if you were thinking that, then youre right.

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