while his name may have changed from duncan to seed, john did not change. he remains locked in the same cycle he has dutifully executed since childhood.
the man who is not a man braces his hands against the altar, looking at his father for the first time in a century. who now stands here & tells him that he is disappointed. the man who is not a man grits his teeth & says : “ I’ve done my best to be what you made me. ”
whether joseph intended this or not, how john views The Father closely mirrors his relationship with his adoptive parents. in his upbringing, john was encouraged to admit his sins so that he may be punished & forgiven. if he did not offer his own confession, his parents would invent crimes for him to atone for. they told him they did this to cleanse him, to make him pure, good.
the sinner cries in the face of his own predetermined betrayal, his own invented failure, asking : “ why… didn’t you make me good enough… so that you could’ve loved me ? ”
in his life as john seed, his role as baptist requires violence, which requires repeated forgiveness from joseph. john is always vying for His approval, His love, His praise. he wants to be seen as good, as worthy, as pure, as holy. he is held on the short leash that is the promise of eden. yet he transgresses, he acts out of all of the seven sins out of habit & of need to be forgiven again, & again, & again. in his role, he turns this need against others- I know you’re not telling me everything. I know there’s another sin I can pull from you.
“ you dangle on the leash of your own longing ; your need grows teeth. ”
he does not blame joseph for this cycle, but he harbors an intense envy of anyone joseph views as good, pure, virtuous. first & foremost : hannah seed @ezerkenegdc, joseph’s wife. this envy inspired compensation- a desire to have something she doesn’t, to take things from her, or to find fault in her. this desire manifests in several ways
1. his children. john has 3 children, born to different / disposable mothers ( more on them later ). he knows that hannah wanted a child more than anything, & he takes cruel delight in having what she cannot. he withholds them from her at will.
2. petty theft. john will steal small, important things from her. rings. precious objects.
3. surveillance. john is always looking for evidence of her sin. for transgressions to offer to joseph : look, she’s no better than I am. look, I deserve as much love as you give her. look, look, look, please look.
& so the monster promises : “ I will revenge my injuries : if I cannot inspire love, I will cause fear. ”
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