Dody

a blog, a place to just be... whatever

[dialynnsmiles-blog]

?

What are your thoughts? Why are they hidden from me? Where are those moments that you would not let me see?  How can you imagine that I would want you to hide anything from me?  Who told you that you had to run away from me when the lights in your mind go dim? When will you allow yourself t open up to the fact that when I say that I love you, I mean that I love all of you?

[dialynnsmiles-blog]

Reminders

Some days are better than others.  Some pains are easier than others. The shivers and sweating, the sleeplessness and loss of breath are sometimes relieving.  These moments are reminders that I am still here. Coming out of these moments is a reminder that the symptoms cannot kill me.  The truth is, these experiences make me crave to live.  Sadly, this craving comes with an enhanced fear of dying.  So, the attacks come again with full force.  Despite this, I must say, it is all worth it. 

[dialynnsmiles-blog]

Black

You say you want to know about your ancestry, your history, your truth. You want to be awakened or whatever you kids call it these days. You have your natural hair, your dashiki and you listen to some weird mix of modern afro-American drum beat music. Well, that is all nice and dandy but it is far from being ‘woke’ or awake.  You still think Africa is a country although you are aware that it is not. You claim to be a Nubian god or goddess but honey, you are not at all from that side of the continent. you even have the audacity to practice faith in which your ancestors would nothing but cringe and roll over in their graves if they knew.  You are too busy pretending and relenting. You think that you got it all right with that one African Studies class in college. Maybe you left your faith and tried to convert to the practices of our ancestors. But yet, you still do not know much now, do you?  You do not know of the wars and the guilty men who sold your ancestors to their owners. You do not know of the riches and artifacts that are still alive today but held in captivity by some European mogul who admires and admonishes the very fabric of your being and everything that precedes it.  Black man, woman, child, whoever you are, please do more homework and actually fall in love with the real West African heritage that runs deep in your veins. 

[dialynnsmiles-blog]

Selfish

The way the world is set up these days is so that we focus on things that do not actually matter.  We want to make as much money as we can, be as fit as we can, be as beautiful as we can, but end up being poorer uglier and fatter.  Our goals and ambitions from the days of our youth were those of helping and restoring our nations. But with Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, we have become obsessed with fulfilling our own sensations.  What happened to us that we grew up to be selfish?  Was it life or were handed a broken glass dish? I am not sure but what I do know is that we need to take a step back and reflect on our progress.  Otherwise, we are looking at an unfortunate and swift regress.  Let’s not make further mistakes and cause more damage and distress.  Let’s fix ourselves now before we leave our future generations with an unrepairable mess. 

[dialynnsmiles-blog]

Microsoft

Am I the only person who hates writing on Microsoft Word?I have a thing for confined writing spaces and low lit places. Microsoft Word is a big white canvas with many unfilled spaces.It's intimidating, stressful and adds lots of pressure.I am already a ball of anxiety, a balloon ready to pop under just one stressor. Microsoft Word is still a great tool to use. It helps with formatting, corrections, and other issues. But when it comes to being creative, fun and a little wild. I would rather use Facebook, or Tumblr for a while. Even though I have a problem with Microsoft Suite. I still use it to store my work because it keeps them safe and neat.

[dialynnsmiles-blog]

Sorry

Warm water to a cold heart is exactly what hell is like.  Everything is fine unless your mind is not in the right place.  The chills that roll swiftly down my spine remind me of the soft rain.  Except what is usually seen as soft was as sharp as knives freshly made from the finest steel.  My intentions started out as pure but then I messed everything up over time.  That’s why my dreams, my goals, even my most innocent actions have turned into devilish nightmares.  I have no idea how to turn this ship around.  It is swiftly sinking into the blood-filled waters that I myself created. My victims didn’t see it coming and neither did I.  But looking back on everything that transpired, maybe I created this mess on purpose.  I suppose I will never know for sure but one thing that is certain.  I want to take everything back and start over. 

[dialynnsmiles-blog]

Smile

she fills the room with her smile smiles often tend to do that  that moment when the air is filled filled with utter bliss  bliss is hard to come by by chance or not  not often do we find happiness  happiness often finds its own way  ways are paths that can be taken taken for granted too often often are times we are mistaken for love  love has no way of giving hope  hope is nice when we have nothing left left alone in darkness or in shame  shame is a lesson we learn  learning can be too difficult a skill in this life  life is worth living so live it well  well enough to end with a smile  smiles tend to fill rooms with bliss blissful peace, hope, and love. 

[dialynnsmiles-blog]

Cookie

Damn, you look like you taste good  I could just eat you right up  and you are soft as hell too  I like my cookies warm and tasty With a little bit of a bite  With chocolate chips through and through  Just like you, that’s right Your scars don’t scare me at all In fact, they give you flavor  I can trace the constellations on your skin  With my tongue ... But if you aren’t into that, I can just use my fingers I will just press my lips gently on your body But I cannot make any promises ...

You are just divine ... and if anyone disagrees well, that is just fine ... that just means there is more for me. 

[dialynnsmiles-blog]

Don't worry about being the next me, worry about being the first you

the Rock in Fighting with MY Family 

[dialynnsmiles-blog]

Onions

oh my goodness! They put onions in my salad when I specifically asked them not to! I hate onions! But I won’t say anything. I will just sit here and pick the little pieces out of my salad one by one while I eat in silence. Ugh! The onion juices have spread so now my salad is ruined. I paid too much money to throw it away but I am too shy to say anything either. 

So, I will sit here and suffer.  After all, they say onions are good for you.  Something about them being an antioxidant or whatever.  I will be grateful that I am able to do something that will benefit my health even though it is a detriment to my tastebuds. 

Nope! I can’t do it! I won’t do it!  I will not eat this nasty ass salad.  But I already finished almost half of it.  I do not have time to order a new one either.  My mom always told me to eat everything on my plate because there is someone somewhere who has no food.  She is right. I am sure there is someone out there who would kill to be able to eat this salad. 

Just a few more bites! You can do it! Come on, you ‘re almost there!

Why is it so hard to just eat the damned salad? Why am I so picky? Everyone else is eating their onion filled salad just fine! In fact, some people love it this way! What is wrong with me? Am I really such an ingrate? Or am I just a coward for not getting what I asked for? Am I being a brat? Or am I too stubborn and overly considerate to just tell someone about this mistake? Is it even a mistake and I am just the problem? Well, I guess the salad was alright.  I supposed I like onions now.  My stomach hurts, I can barely breathe and I have a headache.  But it wasn’t so bad after all.  I was in no one’s way.  I caused no fuss. My mom would be proud that I have grown up a little too.  I think someone should call 911...

[dialynnsmiles-blog]

This was a great article. I hope t benefits you like it did for me. 

[dialynnsmiles-blog]

Wet

While walking down the street she sees a man who is fond of her He carefully moves in a way that shows her his desire without scaring her She is confused because no one usually gives her attention Her thighs are big, her breasts are small her stomach is round although she is not quite fat She is what they would call thick or big boned but she was not what they would call beautiful either 

He stands behind her and opens his mouth slightly. She feels his breath on her neck. 

she smiles and moves away from him swiftly. She does not know what he wants. after all, she is not the ideal candidate for such an encounter. 

at least that is what she tells herself. 

Every morning she looks in the mirror in shame trying to figure out which diet or exercise routine should she try next and wonders why the previous ones failed to work.  she constantly finds clothing that hides her shame but because she still embraces her own fashion sense, she cannot help but show off a little of what her mama gave her. 

The man reaches out to touch her arm in order tog et her attention. He asks for her name and if she would be so kind as to grant him the opportunity to spend just a few moments in her presence. 

Her glasses fog up and she starts to sweat. Her nerves got the best of her. She is still in shock that he was so kind. His words made her feel special. But she knew better. she knew he just wanted some action. She knew she was not worthy of a real man’s time. However, she turned around and said, “yes.”

They sat together for a while until the sun set completely. He then walked her home and kissed her goodnight. Je promised her a dinner and a movie the following week. 

She invited him in for coffee but he turned her down. He mentioned that it is getting late and he did not want to cause any trouble. 

He mentioned how lovely she is and that she is worth the wait. 

She was tired of waiting.  She wanted the love to continue even if it were for just one night.  he had something else in mind. Being the bold yet respectful man he is he whispered in her ear that she was just too precious for just one night. 

He wanted to give her an eternity. 

She went inside and closed the door behind her. She quickly undressed and laid on her bed. She knew he was not lying but she could not believe he was real. she knew she was not worthy but he ensured her that she is. 

She stood in the mirror and caressed her skin. She touched her thighs, her breasts, and her face. 

She finally realized that although they said she was not beautiful, they lied. 

She never saw that man again. Se called and texted but no reply. Although they never got a chance to complete their story, his mission was accomplished. 

Ger clothes are tighter, her smile is brighter, she found the lifestyle that makes her happy. It only took one conversation. 

He drenched her with kindness and reminded her of her beauty. She became wet with confidence.

[dialynnsmiles-blog]

Touch

I am but a speck of dust in the grand scheme of things yet when you touch me I feel like I am the creator 

Your fingers run through my hair then behind my ears  soft strokes of tenderness that take away my fears

you kiss my neck with sincerity  and grab my hips passionately

I am speechless

You worship my curves and pray to my senses Pleading for them to awaken as you get closer and closer  You sing quietly to me songs of praise and gratification  You give yourself to me and let me take full control 

With just one touch, one kiss

But I am just a speck of dust in the grand scheme of things  You are the Creator

[dialynnsmiles-blog]

Sweet

Small steps make it past my bed toward the window. The curtains open softly to let in the warmth from the sun A loving hand passes over my stomach and a kiss lands gently on my forehead His voice, like the wind that calmly glides over the grass whispers “Good morning”

[dialynnsmiles-blog]

Managing Inconsistency

Man... I cannot focus. I have a tendency to change directions and I get bored so easily. I am often looking for the easiest way to get the biggest results because I often feel like whatever I am doing is going nowhere. Some call it lack of patience and I would have to agree. I also would add that it has something to do with a lack of consistency as well. I have seen it many times in my past work with unfinished projects, bad grades in school and so on. I have suffered a lot with depression and some other issues over the years but to be honest I do not think that my depression is to blame for my lack of focus. 

I think it has simply been that I get distracted. Getting distracted has intensified my depression. When it comes to mental health and mental health management we unfortunately always tend to blame the scarier disorder or issue than just looking at the simplest one. Lack of focus or if it is more chronic with a bunch of added symptoms would be considered ADD is on the 'easier' more subtle side of the mental health issues spectrum. At least that is what we think... but that is not the case. Each of these issues whether it's depression, lack of focus, nervousness or anxiety are all equally difficult in their own twisted way and can play into one another. In other words, when a person has lack of focus, like me, they can become quite anxious because of it or even feel depressed over time due to it. The same with feeling depressed or going through depression can cause anxiety and lack of focus. you get my drift right? So, where do we go from here? Well, my dilemma is consistency. I am the worst at being consistent. It can cause me physical pain when I try to force myself to be consistent and I know I am not alone in this. It has been well known for at least five years that the modern human has the lowest attention span now more than ever in our history due to the advancement of technology which has sped up the way we function as a society. We have also become lonelier and more confused about our direction and purpose due to such advancements for the simple fact that we do not have as much human contact as we once did. This advancement that brings about the fast pace of our society has made this generation one in which has the highest stress levels and anxiety levels. With advancement and speed, we are often looking for more efficiency. We want to find the easiest ways to get rich or solve problems. We are in constant competition with one another to be the best or to create success.  The reality is that until we slow down we are just going nowhere fast. The funny part is that everyone knows this but chooses to ignore it thus they feed into their own anxieties, depression and lack of focus. I will admit we have come far but we have stopped at step one. Which is also my own personal issue. I have, like just about everyone else, have acknowledged that I have a problem. I understand why this problem exists, how it has come about and I have come to know and understand the ways in which I can solve the problem. However, acknowledgment, although is the most important step is not quite as important as application and working to change. There are loads of resources that show us how we can better ourselves and cope with or even heal our mental health issues so that we can become more prosperous. We can learn to reconnect with our fellow human being, how to cope with the pace and advancement of our society, and even find our purpose. Learning and applying this information is what truly matters when it comes to making a real change in our lives. even I have learned and applied a lot of methods that have helped over the years but remember how at the beginning of this article I said  I STILL deal with lack of focus? see, that is the kicker. I know you would think "well yeah maybe you were not consistent" and you are right. But why? I have been a reading a book called Millionaire success habits by Dean Graziosi and I highly recommend you all check it out by the way. Well, in I believe chapter two or three he introduces a very interesting exercise that he learned from one of his mentors called Seven Levels or something like that. The point of this exercise is to get to the core of why we do whatever it is that we do; tog et out of our heads and into our hearts. The'true why' which can only be found in our hearts is what will push us to be more consistent with not only our work or business but also managing mental health and staying focused in general. After we have acknowledged this, we can move forward and continue to apply what we have learned about coping and dealing with the pressures f this world so that we can be our best selves. So, that is where I am at. I am working through my seven levels and as I keep asking myself "why" I am getting closer to my heart's answer. Now, the seven levels of exercise are just that, you ask 'why' seven times and it is better when you do the exercise with someone. But see, I got stuck at the fourth why because sometimes, I just do not know what to say.  In fact, I could very well be afraid to find out. Fear truly is a hindrance in a lot of ways in all of our lives if we allow it to be. We must use fear to encourage us instead of blocking us but that is for another post. To sum all of this up, lack of focus, depression, anxiety, inconsistency, whatever it does not have to stop us from being successful. We just have to learn how to manage it. We cannot allow the advancement and speed of our society bring us down. We are still in control even though often times it does not seem like it. Find your 'why' that is buried deep down in your heart for it will be your driving force to help you manage your health and push you towards success. And, do not be like me and be stuck and afraid, but if you are, that's ok. We can get through this together. I may be on level four and a little scared but I am proud that I have started somewhere. So, start somewhere, anywhere and know that you are not alone. Until next time, Ciao