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Aug 30, 2023

Hello hello! Welcome to my long overdue pinned post. In descending order of preference, my pronouns are:

Ask me

Just don't use any.

They/them

He or they

He/him

I am a heavily spiced neurodivergent. My current special interest is currently Sanders Sides, I am a heavy shipper of Analogical and LAMP+. Secondary interests are The Magnus Archives (completed) and Protocol (usually caught up), and Welcome to Nightvale (currently working through).

This is my main blog! Here is where I post (but let's be honest, mostly reblog) all of the gay, neurospicy, sciencey, Sanders Sides, stuff, alongside all of the shitposts that cross my dash.

Wanna check out my alts?

@ask-sweetscream is a joint project with me and @ms-awesome52 ! It's a bit slow, but check it out, maybe drop a question if you're interested?

@diamond-flavored-whump is the blog where I find and share ways to torture my blorbos. Maybe patch them up after, but mostly torture.

@diamond-drawings is my art blog! I've only recently been able to feel comfortable posting my art online (Glaze my beloved), and they're all going to be right here! I'll also probably reblog them to my main, this will just be a one-stop shop

Tags to look for!

#logan sanders my beloved

#virgil sanders my beloved

#memes you show your friends like they're cool leaves

#diamond does ids

#diamond asks

#pin #pinned intro #blog intro #blog info #sanderssides #sanders sides #logan sanders my beloved #virgil sanders my beloved #diamond does ids #memes you show your friends like they're cool leaves

diamond-blade

May 8

prince-rowan-of-the-forest

Dancing For a Flowering Crown (8/15)

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Virgil takes a walk to try and clear their head. The walking doesn't help, but maybe talking will.

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| <- Previous | Ao3 | Next Chapter -> |

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Notes:

Well, the delay is my fault this time. Sorry guys, school snuck up on me and I kinda lost motivation for a bit. But I'm back now! Please enjoy! -Diamond ( @diamond-blade )

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Virgil couldn't sleep.

This wasn't unusual for her, even back home after long days of work they'd been restless, and today had been… a lot. They hadn't slept particularly well last night after storming off, and god she'd yelled at the prince, how was she not beheaded by now? And then Janus had come in and talked to her, been compassionate… they were still trying to convince themself they weren't about to die.

Virgil glanced at the clock in her room, lit by moonlight streaming in through the window. It was a bit past 11. Usually if they couldn't sleep by now, she'd find Patton or Mama, talk to them or just cuddle. If neither of them were awake, she'd go walk around outside, check on her garden or the livestock, clean some tools, anything to keep their hands from idling.

But they were at the palace now, not home. Patton and Mama were all the way on the outskirts of the city, there was nothing Virgil could work on. She couldn't even write a letter, evidenced by the ripped paper covered in ink sitting on a desk under the window, they'd probably broken the quill too. Maybe she could ask Roman for help. Tomorrow, though, surely they're asleep right now.

Their eyes drifted to the basket on one of the other tables in the room, still full of the cookies Patton had given them before she left. Virgil had only eaten a couple, especially now that she knew they wouldn't be going home too soon. After a moment, they got up and walked over to the basket, taking out a plain sugar cookie and biting into it. It was a little stale, but that was fine, Virgil had eaten food in worse condition. Even if a part of her was upset that it wasn't fresh… being at the palace was spoiling them.

Virgil sighed heavily, finishing off the cookie before walking back to and flopping down on the bed. They stared up at the ceiling for a few minutes, thoughts racing and head empty at the same time, before swinging her feet over the side of the bed. They knocked into a pair of some kind of half-shoe, she's pretty sure Roman had called them slippers. But she'd tried them on and didn't like them, she’d only have the front of her feet covered. How do they not fall off? Roman had said you're just supposed to slide your feet in, but Virgil didn't trust the shoes to stay on a single step.

So, with bare feet, Virgil walked to the bedroom door. She may not have anything to tend to, but they could still walk around the castle, right? They haven't left their room at night before now, but surely as long as she's not doing anything bad she won't get in trouble? But even just looking suspicious might be enough to get them arrested, and she'd lose any benefit of the doubt she'd had with the prince all because they'd just been trying to clear their head-

No. Stop. Virgil had to trust Janus, he was genuinely trying to be better. She had to give him the same benefit of the doubt he’d given them. So Virgil took another breath and stepped into the hall. It was empty this late at night, and she couldn't hear any clinking of the guards’ armor. So they started making their way downstairs, they knew the dining hall was on the first floor, and she could probably find the garden from there. Right?

What felt like hours later, Virgil was lost. She knew she was just trying to go to the garden, but they'd seen something up a staircase and gotten curious, and then they'd found something else down the hall, and another, and another, and now they couldn't find another staircase down and they were lost. Shit, okay. They could find a guard? It can't be too hard, right, surely they'd be patrolling the castle. But Virgil had only seen two the entire time they'd been wandering, and those had been standing still in the hallways. So Virgil would have to keep wandering just to find someone who could help.

“What are you doing up at this hour?” Virgil nearly leapt out of their skin, turning to face the new voice. A guard stood in front of a pair of gilded doors, with full plate armor, dark skin and braided red hair. What was Virgil supposed to do, the other guards had barely acknowledged her and this one was just staring at her, oh shit right they were probably waiting for a response, idiot you're just standing there-

Before Virgil could speak, the guard held up a hand. “Actually. Sorry, better question, what are you doing wandering this close to the Prince's chambers? Especially this late.”

Virgil's eyes widened at that, and they dropped into a kneel, eyes trained on the floor. “I am so sorry for the intrusion, I hadn't realized where I was going, I was trying to find the gardens so I could go outside and clear my head but I couldn't find a way outside then I saw something at the top of the stairs and I got curious and now I'm lost and I can't find any other staircases and I'm so sorry I'll be out of your hair I was just trying to clear my head I swear I wasn't planning anything I just got lost I swear I-”

“That's enough, you're repeating yourself.” Virgil's head shot up. The guard was still standing there impassively, one hand held up in a stop motion. “How do you talk that much, surely you need to breathe.” Virgil didn't say anything, and after a moment, the guard sighed.

“At ease, please. You haven't caused any offense.” Virgil stood up as fast as she could, hands behind their back and shoulders stiff. The guard sighed, expression unchanging. “That… is not at ease.”

Virgil frowned, trying and failing to untense her shoulders. “My apologies, uh.. ma'am?”

The guard’s lips twitched downwards for a moment, too fast for Virgil to tell the exact emotion, but they tensed more anyways. “Emberlyn. And if you insist on using a formal title, I'd prefer captain.”

Virgil's mouth went a little dry at that, and she had to fight every bone in her body not to drop into a kneel again. “C-captain?”

The guard nodded, standing up a bit straighter. “Emberlyn Averis Lyren, Captain of the Royal Guard of Illéa and Prince Janus' personal bodyguard.”

Oh. Virgil had heard of Captain Emberlyn a couple times, through gossip overheard while working on airships, but she never thought she'd actually meet tem. Though, now that they were here in the palace, she should have expected this sooner or later. “Captain, right. Apologies again.”

There was a pause, before Emberlyn sighed. “I practically beg you to drop the formality, the only people who may see us and get offended by us being casual are my guards, and I can tell them to shove it.”

It took Virgil a moment to process that, both the request and the way tey had phrased it, before she nodded. They shifted their weight to one leg, hands falling by her sides. Her entire body was still stiff, but that was because they were still freaking out inside, not much to be done over it. “Is this, uh… good? Captain?”

Captain Emberlyn tilted teyr head. “Here, how about you stand on the other side of the doors. Hopefully it'll feel less like an interrogation for us both.”

Other side of the doors. Inside the hallway? Surely that would just make a conversation harder, not being able to see each other. “I'm not sure I understand.”

“Hm. Come stand where I'm standing, then, I'll move.”

Virgil still didn't understand what was going on, but they did as asked, standing beside the door. Emberlyn nodded and walked down the hall, armor clinking softly, and tey stopped a few steps- ah. The doors were between them the long way, so they were both in the same hall. If Virgil was wearing their own armor, the scene might have looked like two guards standing post.

“Is this better?”

Virgil paused, before nodding. It was a tiny bit better, at least she could pretend they were equals, but they were still aware that everyone in the palace outranked her, even the Sevens in the palace staff. But there wasn't much to be done about that.

They stood there awkwardly for a bit. Nothing Emberlyn did, this was just a lot more than Virgil was used to, and she had no idea what to do in this kind of situation. Should they talk, should she just stand here, she was probably supposed to be watching as well, right, though they had no idea what they were watching for.

Thankfully, Emberlyn eventually spoke. “Virgil, it was? Tell me about yourself. I've heard what Janus tells me, and I've heard what some of the other contestants say, but I've found it's best to hear things directly from the source.”

“The source being.. me. In this case.”

“Mhm.”

Virgil blinked a few times, but nodded. Right. Okay, she could do this. “Well, uh, I'm a Seven. Kinda all anyone can talk about. Been working as an airship mechanic for a few years. The rest of my family, Mama and Patton, they're farmers- well, Mama’s a farmer, Patton has his caste exam next year. They're gonna try to be a baker.” Virgil paused to take a breath, the whole reason they were out where right now was she missed her family, talking about them wasn't exactly helping. “Uh- what about you?”

Emberlyn stared off into the distance for a moment, seeming to think. “I don't usually like talking about it, but it's only fair if you're sharing. We were Fours, so I was always feeling a little torn between two worlds. Obviously that would get worse later, here I am now. I wouldn't say I wanted to be a city guard, but I passed a fitness exam and three months later,” tey shrugged, “there I was. Slowly made my way up the ranks, and now here I am. A Six and a One at the same time, whichever one makes you hate me more.” Tey almost looked upset for a moment, before going back to neutral. “Janus is alright. He is one of the few people in this castle who actually sees me as an equal, which is always nice. Even if he says some things that are… enough to give me pause? But I've never really told him.” Emberlyn paused to look at Virgil- was that a smile? It was gone before Virgil could be sure. “I've heard a lot about you last night, and tonight. Did you know you're the reason he ended the trail early?”

“Uh- what? Sorry, excuse me, what?” Virgil had to have heard that wrong.

“He wanted to be able to apologize to you. Properly. He was going to stay undercover for another two or three days, but then he realized how much he'd hurt you, and he felt a need to apologize immediately.”

Virgil swallowed. This couldn't be real. The prince, potentially ruining his own competition just so he could say sorry for- frankly something that Virgil couldn't imagine bothering him before tonight? What kind of prince was Janus….

Virgil didn't know how to respond to that, so she just didn't say anything. Emberlyn seemed fine enough with that, turning teyr attention back to the hallway, and the two of them stood there as thoughts swirled in Virgil’s head, louder and louder until they had to spill out, if only to fill the silence.

“I don't know what I'm doing,” they blurted out. Emberlyn looked over, tey probably wanted Virgil to shut up so tey could focus, but she was going now. “Here, I mean, at the palace. Like I know right now we're standing guard together--side note, why? I'm not a trained soldier or anything remotely helpful for this--but I don't know why I'm still in the Selection. I don't know why I'm even here in the first place, I had thought it was an accident but then Prince Janus said he'd ‘fought like hell to get me here,’ whatever that means, so clearly it wasn't an accident but they- I'm not special, I don't have anything to offer. Clearly no one else wants me here- well, Roman does, but they're an exception. But I'm surrounded by Twos and Threes who all clearly don't like me and are only talking to me out of obligation and I- fuck, I just want to go home, but I owe it to Mama and Patton to try and I'd feel terrible if I gave up. So I'm just stuck here with only two people on my side.” Virgil sighed heavily, leaning back against the wall and looking up at the ceiling. They glanced at Emberlyn out of the corner of her eye, tey was just staring at her. “Sorry, that was a lot. Ignore me, it's not my place to be-”

“There is no such thing as not having a place here,” Emberlyn interrupted. “Your thoughts are valuable, and it's healthy to share them. I certainly won't judge you.” Virgil just continued to watch tem out of the corner of her eye. “We are standing guard together because this is comfortable for me. I know that I'm qualified enough for us both, and it's safer than you wandering around the palace. If you asked, Janus would send you home. He may not like it, but he would, and I'm happy to continue teaching him empathy for the lower castes. And you have three people on your side here.” Tey turned to face Virgil properly, a hand on teyr chest with fingers spread. “Anyone that Janus cares for is someone I care for as well.”

Once they were sure Emberlyn was done talking, Virgil closed her eyes and sighed. “I don't want to go home, not really. I just don't want to be here, where I have eyes on me all the time. I know how to deal with it, some of our clients were really micromanaging us and watching our every move, but… I dealt with that once a week? Maybe twice. And I knew I could go home and relax, that Mama would be there to hug me and let me help with dinner, and maybe Patton would have made something for dessert, and I didn't mind them being close because they were my family and-” Virgil stopped, choking back tears, they'd gone on a walk to try and not think about her family. “S-sorry. This is a lot, I should- go back to my room, or something, I-”

“Emotional vulnerability is not a deterrent for me. I admit I'm not good at hugs, but we can stand at each other's sides, or back to back, if you'd like that.”

No thank you, I don't like strangers being so close was on the tip of Virgil’s tongue, but they bit it back. Don't be rude. “Yeah, sure, if you want to.” She shrugged, trying desperately not to look so tense.

Emberlyn narrowed teyr eyes. “...you don't want to. That's alright, but I do prefer it when you actually tell me that. I've done more than enough lying through my teeth to know that I don't want anyone to do that for me.”

“...right. Sorry, captain.” Virgil thought that was a bit weird, but she wouldn't question it. “I'm just not used to that.”

“I understand. Janus had been worried about how little he saw you. Of course, you joined everyone else for meals and you'd come when summoned, but he never saw you just… around the palace. We had both assumed the palace itself was the issue, and I admit I was a bit surprised when I realized you were the one wandering about just now.” Emberlyn frowned slightly, for barely a blink, but Virgil was watching too close to miss it. “But it's not the palace, is it? It's the people. You don't feel that you have allies. There's Roman, yes, but you can't be with them all the time. And everyone else… even after Janus eliminated the worst of them, they still hold you at a distance. They're still only being nice to you out of obligation.”

Even after Emberlyn was done talking, Virgil stared at tem in disbelief. “How much of that did you get just by looking at me?”

Emberlyn flickered a smile at her. “Admittedly, not a lot. Threes tend to be better about it, but the Twos are just as awful as Ones about not seeing past what caste someone is. Though the Threes have their own issues, being an intelligence-based caste. They put too much worth on what you know, and tend to assume the other castes automatically know less than them. At least they do it equally to the higher and lower castes.”

Virgil stared at tem a moment longer, taking that in, before they spoke up. “You were right, you know. About me being uncomfortable with the palace itself. Like yeah, most of the issue is the people, but it's still making me uncomfortable to wear different clothes every day that would take me years upon years of saving literally every cent I make to even dream of buying, and I still feel like I don't belong when I take one step down the hall and I've passed more money than you could sell mine and all of my neighbors’ farms combined for. I'll still wear the clothes, because I don't want to stand out any more than I already do, and I try not to think about just how much money I walk past. But I'm still aware of how little I fit in.” Virgil laughed bitterly. “I was never supposed to be here, applying to the Selection was Mama’s idea. I didn't want to, but she insisted, and I'm sure she would have asked Patton too if he’d been of age. I wasn't… I'm a Seven. I had thought my application would just get tossed out the moment they saw my caste. And instead…” Virgil just gestured around herself.

Emberlyn nodded. “I'm sorry I can't do anything about you feeling inadequate, or that you don't belong, or that you being here is somehow a mistake. I know that knowing something isn't true doesn't convince your heart. I can't leave my post tonight, but if you'd like to know the palace better, I'd be happy to take you on a small tour.”

Virgil didn't fight back her scoff in time. Thankfully, Emberlyn just looked… amused? Not angry, at least. “Knowing where things are won't help me feel like I'm walking through more money than anyone should know what to do with. Besides, even if I did go on a tour, I'd probably ask Roman. No offense to you, I'm sure you know the palace great, but we're not… you know?”

“One conversation isn't enough to be that close of a friend, I understand.”

“Yeah. And even though Roman and I are close, and I know they think they're lifting me up, it just…”

“You feel like you're dragging them down.”

“Just by association, yeah.” Virgil rubbed her face. “That first night, the opening ball. I thought Roman was playing some sort of extended prank on me or something, a Two had never been that nice to me. I was waiting for them to reveal whatever plot was going on, and even when they stayed by me the whole night, I thought they were just doing it to look good or something. Get in Prince Janus’ good graces by taking pity on the Seven. I've… mostly managed to stop thinking like that. There's always going to be part of me waiting for the punchline, that's just who I am, but I'm good at ignoring that part. Except when it's quiet, it's always harder to ignore my head when the outside is quiet. The palace is so quiet. It's hard to sleep.”

“You can't sleep in the quiet?”

“I mean, I can, and I am. But I'm used to hearing something outside, even if it's just crops in the wind and an occasional owl. Doesn't help that I don't have anyone to cuddle with,” Virgil added under her breath. They really wished Patton was here, they'd curl up under the covers together, pretend the impossibly soft sheets were just the slightly frayed blankets they had back home. She just wanted something familiar. “Tonight's worse than usual, but even when I go back to my room right after dinner, I don't sleep until at least an hour after sunset.”

“And yet, you're awake and out of your room. You aren't in trouble, I'm just curious why.”

“I was trying to find the gardens, but at this point, I've been wandering for… I don't even know how long. An hour? Two? Usually when I can't sleep I find something to do, forcefully tire out my body so my brain doesn't have energy to run, so I guess I was trying to do that. I don't even know why I thought I'd be allowed to touch the gardens, honestly, not this late and not as a contestant. I just… habit. Never been one for running, and I don't have any other options.” Virgil sighed heavily. “I think talking to you helped, though. My head’s a lot quieter now.”

Emberlyn smiled, just for a moment, and Virgil smiled back. “Would you like me to call someone to guide you back to your room?”

“Yeah, actually, I'd appreciate that. Thanks.”

Emberlyn nodded, before turning to the hall and whistling one low, long note. Only a minute later, Virgil heard the clanking of armor followed by another guard appearing around the corner. They nodded a hello to Emberlyn, and tey nodded back. “Would you show Virgil back to her room? They went for a walk to clear their head, and maybe cleared it a little too well, now she's lost.”

Virgil couldn't help it, she snorted. The other guard smiled as well, and waved them over. “Of course, right this way.”

Virgil started making their way forward, but paused and looked back at Emberlyn. Tey simply flickered a smile at her. “You'll be alright. Prince Janus and I are both on your side, no matter what.”

Virgil nodded and smiled back, taking a small breath before following the new guard back to her room. It seemed like they went halfway across the palace--it was fully possible they actually had--before going up another flight of stairs. Things already looked much more familiar, and Virgil was able to recognize when they turned down the hall her room was in. But they let the guard lead them all the way to the door, and thanked them before retreating to safety.

Another glance at the clock showed it was just past 2 in the morning, Virgil had been wandering longer than she'd thought. Part of that was talking to Emberlyn, they were sure, even if she wouldn't usually say that much to anyone except Mama and Patton. But it didn't matter, so they got in bed and under the covers, and ten minutes later they were fast asleep. She slept through all but the tail end of breakfast, and Roman fussed over her a bit, but she never once worried about getting in trouble for being late.

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