basically qprs do NOT feel like they are in my future either lol
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@diary-of-guy
basically qprs do NOT feel like they are in my future either lol
sometimes im jumpscared by how romance repulsed i am too but literally THAT ones so bad i might need to get therapy lol
like panic attacks whenever someone makes it clear they perceive me romantically (or even some outside force mistaking me and someone else for a couple). anxiety dreams about romantic scenarios (which i had and have been so off about this morning) bleugh
i like being an attractive woman (vain bitch as i am i like looking at myself and my outfits etc) but this is definitely where the daydreaming about being a huge disgusting monster that nobody wants to be around comes in
i think i might be getting worse? my friend just casually mentioned that im way more against touch than i was four years ago. n inthought i was pretty against it then
anyone else have serious anxiety about people touching your corpse when you die. cant even suicidally ideate in this house
he’s like a close friend i worry about
Few things in Lars and the real girl that mean a lot to me:
- despite Bianca being an anatomically accurate sex doll, Lars never touches her or even looks at her with any sort of sexual intent. There's something deeply soothing and comforting about the way he treats her and looks at her. (I think reading Lars as asexual is honestly a really good way to look at his character too. I feel like having no interest in sex makes it hard for people to connect with their partner, especially if that partner is allo. Lars never seems interested in his coworkers porno talk at work, he never talks about or really views Bianca as anything sexual, he never entertains or answers questions about Bianca and him that are sexual in nature, and when he's asking Gus what made him finally feel like a man, he asks almost hesitantly- like he doesn't want to- if it was sex.)
- Lars does not like to be touched. He's working on it as the movie goes on, but it's something that never gets fully "fixed", and I don't think it does even in the future. I'm sure it gets better, gets less painful for him, but I don't think he'd enjoy hugs or prolonged touch anyways. Idk something about Lars constantly backing away from people who get too close to him, constantly trying to remove himself from other people in his personal space- it just feels really good to see. I'm sure this is something that made a lot of people feel sad for him, but honestly it's just comforting to me.
- the whole bowling scene. It was just Lars and Margo- until the group arrived and I was a little scared they'd be mean, but no. They just join the two and they all have fun. There's high fives when someone manages to get a good throw, but Lars is never forced or pressured to share a high five. Besides just that, he's there with them, and he's not forced into the conversation, but he's included and welcome. Him tearing up in this scene was so beautiful.
- Gus trying to do better. He's a fucking asshole at the start of the movie, but he learns. He's feeling guilty, thinking it's his fault that Lars is delusional, but eventually still goes out of his way to help and learn. He learns the difference between delusions and hallucinations, and he talks about it at work, knowing there's a big chance his coworkers will mock him, like they've done in a previous scene.
- the older ladies chasing Gus and Karin out of the house to spend some time with Lars. The scene is so simple it's almost painful. They bring him food. They knit and chat while he just sits with them. They tell him not to worry about anything, to just eat his food and relax a little.
Idk this movie is just... it's just so sweet. It means so much to me. I think it's my new comfort movie now. First time I watched it, I cried like a baby the whole time. Second time I watched it, I just really enjoyed everything about it. There's something so soothing about how the entire town comes together to help and support Lars, despite a lot of people not understanding and not knowing what to do at first.
As someone who heavily relates to Lars, him having touch hurt him and that being shown on screen makes me realise that it’s ok to feel that way.
First time I was able to see myself in a character because I was Lars in high school. Isolating myself and talking to my stuffed animals like they were real people. The amount of times lars has made me sob is insane.
watched this movie and had to fully leave my house, i was sobbing so hard. i have never been seen like this, ever. his relationship to touch is exactly like mine, down to the coping and feelings.
hmmm a little unhelpful that i deleted a bunch of posts once out of embarassment. we're chronicling things here woman
i got a real diary so i havent been using this one, been bad though. just an update
no shade to kris x anyone shippers but the fact that pretty much every "romantic" scene they have with others is somehow forced or otherwise made uncomfortable (the secret scene with the "real" game when game!kris tries to stab real susie and real kris pulls her back, the ralsei hugs in chapters 1 & 2, the Entire Weird Route, etc.) feels very meaningful to me.
esp. wrt deltarune's themes around questioning narrative expectations and the idea that "this happens because this is the sort of story where it will", including romance as one of the things that stories just Have which is being called into question is very resonant to me as an aroace person.
(also just to preempt the "kris blushes during these scenes" argument: you've never blushed because you were embarrassed? you've never been embarrassed to look silly in front of someone you platonically admire?)
.imagine if kris as aroace and we are aroace and we find this out about eachother and have a moment of solidarity then it's back to kris shoving us (the red soul we inhabit) in a cage or something. anyways
also, second deltarune analysis post on my personal diary tumblr lmao, i think its very very interesting (read: DEEPLY SAD) that whenever kris de-possesses themself they start eating and drinking a lot. like the pie, drinking all the hot chocolate
because it makes you realize we are NOT feeding that kid. we give them food items in the dark world but those canonically dont provide you anything in the overworld. i know all those comments about kris looking bad/in poor health are probably more in reference to how consistently they are pulling out their soul but oh my god i think they also haven't been eating consistently for the past 4 days
no matter what route you do we the players are always ABSOLUTE SUPERVILLAINS to kris
aroace kris can mean something very special and personal to me and also fit in perfectly with the themes of deltarune. like fuck is there anything more invoking more sheer existential dread in me than feeling forced to act out these alien expectations of intimacy and closeness that you just DON'T GET IT AT ALL. trying to say something flattering and intimate to make someone feel good, that you feel expected to say, and delivering it wrong. feeling worse about it when people start responding in kind but not being able to vocalize why. and if you don't act immensely appreciative of being the recipent of others attention, you're the strange one
anyway this is all me overthinking how i think kerdly is funny as fuck and would be a good dynamic if i wasn't deeply emotionally disturbed by the context of having absolutely no free will in romantic situations
happy hollidays
okayyyyy coming back to the ocd theory now
im backkk
decided to get a new therapist for COMPLETELY unrelated reasons to my current self esteem issues (what i THOUGHT was going to be addressed) and now ive been sobbing for 15 minutes
ANYWAYS EMBARASSINGLY FOR ME i was like. happy and stable these past two weeks o(-(
me refiguring out that i need a routine to be content, every year: wow!