The Sad Boi (and gorl, and Less) area

things I want to say in my main system blog but can't. tw,,, it's Sad and kinda scary sometimes.

[diaryofasystem]

Me? Doing worse? Seems about right tbh.

Two years ago today, my friend committed suicide.

A year ago (next week), I met Him and began getting abused and started what would become the worst year of my life.

A year ago, I was assaulted in my dorm room and then screamed at for telling someone.

Six months ago, He held me at knife point and stole what little sanity and self respect I had left.

Now I'm heavier than I've ever been and hanging on out of sheer habit. I wake up crying from dreams about Him. His mail still comes here, so I have to see constant reminders of him. I sleep in the same room he assaulted me in, and I have to look at where it happened every night when I go to bed and every morning when I wake up. Now, I'm trapped here and I wish every single day that I had made a different choice.

Where do you go when you've lost your way? How do you go when you've been stripped bare? Why should I go, when someone made such an effort to make me this way? Who would want me to anyway? What difference would it make if I asked for help again? When will it end, when will I have suffered enough? (when will i be enough?)

[lethe-system-deactivated2022073]

Spilling System’s Tea

1.) What was the largest secret you’ve kept from one another?

2.) If you remember, what were your first impressions of each other?

3.) Is anyone is your system in a relationship?

4.) Has anyone in your system ever cheated before?

5.) Celebrity crushes?

6.) Does your system get into fights often? Why?

7.) Who gets into the most trouble in your system?

8.) Do you have supernatural or other non-human alters?

9.) Who loves to meme in your system?

10.) Describe a headmate in ten words or less.

11.) Ask a headmate if they’ve ever had a crush on the host(s).

12.) Google a headmate’s name and describe the first picture that pops up. Is it accurate?

13.) Tell us about a headmate that doesn’t front that often.

14.) What’s your favorite system memory? Why?

15.) Free Choice :D

[ominous-radio-host]

Ask away!

[mosaic-system]

This might be a fun way to lighten up the funk we’ve been in, ask away dear friends, ask away💛

[guiltrose-deactivated20180203]

do me a solid and just reblog this saying what time it is where you are and what you’re thinking about in the tags.

[diaryofasystem]

I seem to have lost a week? The time change during that week apparently and now it's dark at 5PM and it's even harder to keep a grip on reality.

I wish I wasn't like this. I just want to lead a normal life. I just want to be normal. I don't want to flinch everytime I make eye contact with someone. I don't want to cower when I leave my house. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want to be able to trust my memories again. I want to feel whole. I hate this.

[diaryofasystem]

Having no one know your past is both freedom and annihilation

[diaryofasystem]

Honestly? I know that of I'm going to give into my Su*cidal Thoughts, I need to leave behind an explanation. That explanation, however, would need to be novel length and be accompanied by letters for every person that's ever loved me, explaining why. And that's a lot of work.

So maybe, for now, my reason for living can be that the alternative is too much paperwork.

[diaryofasystem]

I am consistently disappointed to wake up every morning.

I want love, nights wrapped in my love's arms feeling safe, to watch the sunrise with a warm cup of coffee, to swim in the sea, to be happy. But I'm an awful person and I'm barely a person at all, so honestly? It's just too hard. I'd much rather die than even try anymore. It's been pretty much 20 years of tragedies, I don't know why I would even try to hope that the next 60 would be any better.

I just want to let it end. I want this tragedy that I call a life to be over. I have one friend, no family, no partner, and a horrible fear of doing the things I used to enjoy. I can't be emotionally intimate with people. I can't do anything that would put me on the path to happiness, to the life I want. So why do people keep telling me to live? Why can't anyone see how unjust it is that I continue living with all of this Trauma, having caused so much Harm?

[diaryofasystem]

Me? Relapse? It's more likely than you think.

[diaryofasystem]

Today was, kind of nice. I got gifted a new scent of body wash that I absolutely adore, I kicked ass in class today, got a very tasty coffee on my way to class, and I got two brand new, name brand, makes me look good as hell bras.

Maybe I cried in a bathroom because I had an asthma attack that triggered a flashback, but over all it's been a nice day. Here's to hoping tomorrow is too.

[diaryofasystem]

Finally told my only friend about the blackmail, abuse, and gaslighting that happened this winter. I didn't expect to feel so,,, light after telling someone. Maybe the catholics are on to something lol. It doesn't fix the past, but it helps others to understand.

[diaryofasystem]

Every night, I tell myself tales of my death, my rescue, my reconciliation. Every night, I tell myself fairy tales just so I can sleep. Every night, these tales paint a world that I would love to be a part of.

Every day, I face the reminders that these stories are just things I tell myself to get on. There is no rescue. No one is coming for me. No one is hoping that I call. No one cares if I drop dead. The world I live in is not one I want to be a part of.

I play a game with myself, sometimes, to help remind me that maybe living isn't all bad. I just stop talking to people and see how long it takes for them to notice. My only friend usually messages every four days or so, but if I don't respond, she doesn't seem to notice. My roommates don't notice if I don't speak, they just continue on.

Sometimes I think that no one would really notice that I died or that no one would really care.

[diaryofasystem]

I want to talk, I do. I want to spew the awful thoughts that cluster together like angry wasps. I want to feel the sweet release of speaking my fears.

But who would listen? Who would care? What does talking about it change? I'm still alone and lonely. I will still hate my life and need new friends. I will still need a rescue and have no rescuers. I feel like a zombie, like I'm dead already and only animated bc I'm shambling around hoping for a cure. A cure that will never come because it's true loves first kiss or some shit and I have no love and am too beastly to be lovely. Wish I was a bear in the woods, wish how our Core pictures things was true. I want...I want my old life back. I want to enjoy my life now. I want too much.

[diaryofasystem]

Can I tell y'all something? Between him giving me whiplash and my previously favorite scented body wash becoming a trigger, I hate bathing. It always winds up with me in pain, fighting off flashbacks, and clawing at my own skin to make the feeling of Him Stop. I just want to give up. I can't sleep, I can't bathe, and there's no escaping the horrors of my past. I'm so alone, haunted by memories. I wish I could just crawl into a new life and be free of this one. I want to be free. I want to feel safe in my own bed again. I want to sleep without clutching my knife. I want to go to bed without having to tell myself a story about how someone comes in and rescues me. I want too much.

[diaryofasystem]

Okay, maybe I need new friends. Seriously, who brings up a philosophical debate and just refuses to talk about it when they start to lose ground? I miss having friends that actually had conversations with depth, conflict, and humor. Like, all she wants to do is play her anime game, watch kids shows, and ignore me. Does she only want me to talk to her when I agree and am funny? Seriously, I miss my old life, my old friends, and people who also actually had interests that aligned with mine.

[diaryofasystem]

Does anyone else get really scared of what would happen if your coworkers found out you have DID? Like, my roommates treat me having DID like it doesn't really exist half the time, but more than once one of my roommates has thrown it in my face. Hell, my last partner, who I loved and trusted more than anyone, had done so.

Like, I'm already queer and indigenous, with a physical disability, I feel like my coworkers would just,,, shun me until I got a new position somewhere else, where the whole mess would repeat itself. It doesn't help that Pharmacy seems to have a heavy prejudice against mental illnesses and I already have to prove that I'm at the top of my game constantly or risk my licensure.

Am I alone in this? Am I just being paranoid?

[diaryofasystem]

You know what I've found comfort in today? Not my therapist, who seems to only know how to ask questions I have already answered and nod off as I answer. Not people condescending to me for being uncomfortable with being called a "child".

I found comfort in the memoir of Ishmael Brah, in the memoir of Maya Angelou, and the story of Eli Weisel.

These people all suffered, in ways as different as they can be, but they all /survived/, they led lives after, healed. They illustrate so keenly the pictures I cannot seem to put words to, the pits that I cannot seem to describe to those around me, and they talk about getting out of that pit. These stories, though very different from my own, remind me that I am not suffering alone and that it will end. I will get through this. I can change for the better. Someone understands my fear and mistrust and doesn't mock me for it.

Maybe there really is a life after the death of my soul.

[diaryofasystem]

Okay, maybe I'm over sensitive but I've got to talk about this and this is my only place to do so.

I live with a family, the adults consider me "their kid", which has its advantages, I guess. However, the longer I'm here, the more I notice things that make me super uncomfortable. The biggest being that the youngest daughter (who to be fair is 21), has more say than the mother. The husband takes his daughter's counsel over his wife's, leaves his daughter in charge of his wife's debit card, and takes his daughter's wants before his wife's. Which, as someone who was groomed as a child, kinda freaks me out.

The best way to encapsulate all of this is the recent house discussion of car purchasing. The spouses want to get me a car, which I do appreciate, but the husband totally ignores his wife's input on any vehicle unless the daughter repeats it. He refuses to let anyone drive "his" vehicle, which was gotten to be the family car. He insists that any car that is purchased have only one owner, no accidents, be newer than 2004, and under 1200. Which is, impossible tbh. However, when his wife found a car that matched that criteria, he said "well, [daughter's name] doesn't like it", but the issue here is, the daughter doesn't have a license or permit!

On days like today, when he is home and she has to work, he drives her to work so that I don't drive his car when I need to do errands, which really bothers me. He denys his wife use of her own vehicle so that no one drives "his" car. And no one has raised an objection? Am I missing something? Is this Normal Family Stuff and I'm just too Traumatized to see it, or-?