Online Diary

Committing to healing my trauma for me.

[diaryofhealing]

Today was the best dance class I’ve had in 4 months and I hope you fight and you heal and you do your absolute goddamn best so I can fucking stand in Laura’s class again, please Lizzie, please.

[diaryofhealing]

Okay let’s process this.

Today Solomon said he would be limiting contact with me. Here are the facts as I see them:

1. I was stunned but also relieved he said this to me. There is a fact that I felt the relief in my body. Even though I was dead tired, I felt my head clear and my shoulders loosen. The relief is unmistakeable.

2. Ever since the Seattle trip I have felt that he does not actually like me. I thought we were making progress in my friendship, by having deeper conversations but now I suspect it was him having a large ego and needing to justify himself.

3. I am the most honest version of myself in Konn’s streams. In Sol’s streams I am anxious when he ignores me. I don’t like that I always find out after the fact that he says “If I’m being really honest I didn’t really like that”. My worst nightmare is being friends with somebody and finding out this entire time they only tolerated me they never liked me.

4. I could’ve just told Sol I was tired. But at the same time. I wanted to be the most honest part of myself even though some parts of the story are exaggerations. I do think about Angel dying. And the worst part of it is I question whether I care and then I have immense guilt for thinking about it that way. I am trying to be honest but it takes time. There’s still shame in there. But this is the most honest version of myself. And Solomon decided he didn’t like it. And honestly? Good.

5. I can still be sad about this. There is room for multiple feelings at once. I can think that this is unfair and he’s being an asshole because he absolutely is and what Konn and my relationship is like is none of his business. I can feel like I just wasted 2 years of my life. I can feel vindicated that I was absolutely right and also sad at the same time.

6. I do not think that Sol was a good friend. I super disliked how he talked badly about other people, how he knew he was an asshole and refused to change, and I hated his takes I thought they were immensely stupid. As I’m writing this, I do not think I respected Sol and maybe that’s why our relationship didn’t work, because it’s super evident when I don’t respect somebody.

7. I can be sad about losing a friend even if it wasn’t a very good friend. I can feel this way even though I was relieved. I can feel upset and think that clearly twitch isn’t for me because this is the third time this has happened. I can feel upset that I keep losing friendships. I can be angry at people who don’t like you and pretend to be your friend.

8. I can feel frustrated that when I kind of started to feel like I found a place that I belonged to, it never works out. And I understand that it’s because I probably should’ve exited a long time ago. I don’t actually think that community was somewhere I belonged because I had to hide so much of myself.

9. I think my biggest mistake was going to Sol’s stream. I felt compelled to because I have a need and compulsion to be liked. But the thing is, I don’t like any of the games that Sol plays. It didn’t make sense for me to be in any of his streams.

10. I can accept that Twitch was a sucky ass time but also it kind of taught me a lot of things.

11. I absolutely, 100%, completely and totally think that Twitch was keeping me from developing my relationships in real life. I would be so busy with stream that I would ignore people in real life. And that is wrong and that is not something I want to keep doing.

12. I was absolutely burnt out with Twitch. I need and want to figure out who I am and what I need and the type of person I want to be.

13. I can wish the worst for Sol. I hope Sol gets cancer. I hope Sol’s son is born with many complications. I hope that everything that can go wrong, does go wrong.

More thoughts later but know that I love you and ultimately I do think this was good for you.

[selfcarereminder]

you did something today, even if it was small. acknowledge it. your brain needs to hear you recognise your own wins

[diaryofhealing]

I don’t think it was a good friendship if the first thing you felt was relief.

[diaryofhealing]

Read this when you are tired of the world

Dear Lizzie,

When you are sad and crying and exhausted and tired of the world, I want you to read this.

At the end of the day you don't owe anybody a single thing.

I know how you feel about how if you want community, there must be give in take but I need you to fucking listen because just because there's give and take does not mean that you owe people anything.

You don't owe anybody the story of your marriage and divorce.

You don't owe anybody the story of your childhood.

You don't owe anybody the truth.

You don't owe anybody anything.

The only thing that you owe somebody is yourself. You owe it to yourself to protect and keep yourself safe.

You have serious trust issues and that is why you lie. You lie because you were taught that telling the truth is not safe and telling the truth is wrong. This is a learned behaviour. You are slowly unlearning it.

Unfortunately there are many toxic people, behaviours, and ideologies in the world that necessitate you to keep lying.

You wonder why you have no friends and it is simply the fact that you will not allow other people to get close to you. You are warm like sunlight on the outside but inside you are like a tundra.

AND THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. I WANT YOU TO KNOW THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT EVER.

People teach you that you are lonely and need to be emotionally deep with your friends in order to be fulfilled but this is NOT true. You do not need to push yourself to be social or fulfill anybody's expectations other than your own.

If you are lonely you can choose not to be. Everything is a choice. It makes sense why you lie. You have been criticized, judged, and you also lie to protect people's feelings. Remember Aunty Eva? Remember how you lie to protect your friends? You do not lie just for selfish reasons but you also lie to make people feel good and better about themselves.

And everybody in the goddamn world can judge you for that but know that I won't. And the only person you ever have to answer to is yourself. Who cares if you lie that you're travelling for work? Who cares if you lie about your family? Who cares if you lie about your name, your birthday, all the things you find unacceptable and hate about yourself so you want to change?

You lie to keep people at arm's length. And that is FINE. If ever that is something you want to work through you can. But know that you are not wrong or broken for doing so. You fawn constantly. And maybe one day that is a behaviour you want to change. BUT TODAY IS NOT THE DAY.

YOU ARE UNLEARNING AND UNDOING TEN BILLION THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF. BE PATIENT. FOR MORE THAN 20+ YEARS THESE THINGS WERE DRILLED INTO YOU. AND IT TAKES A LIFETIME TO UNLEARN THEM.

Be kinder to yourself. Because you know that future me would never look upon a younger version of ourselves and say dude she's a fuckup, a bad person, a liar, etc.

You hold yourself to the most unrealistic expectations but you don't owe anybody anything.

The only person you ever have to answer is yourself. And nobody should ever make you feel bad for who you are, it's happened for too damn long.

[diaryofhealing]

I broke up with Sam today and while I’m wrestling with this in my brain, I need you to understand this.

Somebody can be a good person but not be your person.

Somebody can be a good friend but not a good partner.

Somebody can be a good person but not the right person for you.

You can regret how you went about ending things but don’t regret that things needed to end.

You’re allowed to have a list of non-negotiables and you’re allowed to break up with somebody if they don’t meet your non-negotiable list.

You don’t have to be in love with somebody to have a fulfilling life.

You don’t have to have a man around in order to make yourself feel better.

You can feel sorry that you hurt him but know that you needed to end things.

You’re allowed to break up with somebody, for any reason at all, you don’t have to stay just because of everything he did for you.

You can wish things were different and regret that things aren’t different.

You’re allowed to break up with somebody, for any reason at all.

You’re allowed to break up with him because he put you on a pedestal.

You’re allowed to break up with him because he didn’t support you.

You’re allowed to break up with him because he didn’t see the magnitude of your hurt.

You’re allowed to break up with him because you feel like you had to give him permission to do something that he promised he would do voluntarily.

You’re allowed to break up with him because you don’t like that he’s 8 years younger than you.

You’re allowed to break up with him because you want somebody that protects you at all costs and you feel like that person cannot be him.

You’re allowed to break up with him despite wanting him in your life.

You’re allowed to live a life free of a man.

Despite everything.

It’s still you.

[diaryofhealing]

"Dance is not about hitting a certain benchmark or looking a certain way, it's about showing up for yourself in that day or that moment, and how you choose to move or how you decide to is all that you need to get out of it" - H.S.

[diaryofhealing]

This christmas I’m grateful for:

1. The plethora of people in my life that fill my calendar and refuse to let me be alone

2. Even more money than last year!

3. Peace like I’ve never felt before

4. Self awareness of my tendencies and working towards fixing it

5. Anger to finally say I’m fucking done living like this

6. Reading!

7. Medical professionals that aren’t perfect but certainly try their best

8. Healing my relationship with myself

9. Forgiveness and self compassion because I’m doing my best

10. Good mental health professionals

11. The strength to start over again

12. A bed!

I love you like no other. Our words are not just for loved ones, they are for us, speak them into existence.

Everything will be alright.

Everything will be just fine.

Merry christmas Ellie.

[diaryofhealing]

“Your body hurts me, looping round like CCTV”

You type out your responses and edit them now.

Things are a bit more quiet now.

Oooh do you know how proud I am of you?

I did lie today, or I didn’t, I’m gaslighting myself.

What I can say for certain is that I had information that I wasn’t sure about and tried to present it like I was sure about it.

But I identified what I was doing in the moment and tried to backtrack and I’m proud of myself for that.

What I learned is that when somebody asks me a question, I tend to pretend like I know what I’m talking about even though I don’t.

I have an obsessive need to seem put together. I want to be okay with saying I’m actually not sure.

I lied again and honestly I’m seeing it’s not a bad thing. People were complimenting me and I was uncomfortable so I self deprecated and I need to not do that.

[diaryofhealing]

This tag, Lizzie, is so you don't shame yourself. Because the lying is connected to something bigger, it's part of your trauma which needs to be healed.

You need to get to the root causes, don't just fix the symptoms.

You're not a bad person.

Just a traumatized person.

And luckily, we can heal from that.

When thinking about all the stress and trauma you were under over the past few years, it kind of makes sense that you got cancer but at the same time it doesn't.

Because then why do children get cancer? Why don't politicians get cancer?

I know the fear of the unknown is scary but you have to let this one go, my love.

[diaryofhealing]

Welcome home.

[diaryofhealing]

Your hair will grow. And so will you.

[diaryofhealing]

MOOD

[diaryofhealing]

I’ll be so mad if it’s cancer and then it doesn’t kill me.

[diaryofhealing]

Girl I got bad news for you

[diaryofhealing]

Good morning. Today is a bad day. Today is a very bad day. But unfortunately the world does not care. If it’s anything I’ve learned is that you just have to take it one step at a time. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time.

And don’t be afraid to talk to yourself.

I hate writing to myself honestly because I don’t know what to say to you. I don’t know how to talk to you to make yourself feel better and honestly for that I’m sorry.

I’m trying to be okay really I am trying. I’m trying to tell myself that it’ll all shake out okay but honestly I don’t know if it will.

We’ll take it one minute at a time. One hour at a time. One day at a time. And then we’ll keep going. And then one day maybe you’ll find this post and then you’ll tell me it gets better. I hope you do.

[diaryofhealing]

We do know how to talk to ourselves. And despite everything. It still is better now.

[diaryofhealing]

I said I wanted to die

So the universe said

Then die

[diaryofhealing]

REAL LMFAO

[diaryofhealing]

I need to tell you something while I'm still vulnerable enough to say it, listen to me before our brain catches up with us.

I'm proud of you.

No, don't look away, don't scroll away, I know it's cheesy, I know and I'm sorry.

With him, it was the first time you pushed past your anxiety.

It was the first time you pushed past your anxiety and depression and said "I'm insecure about our relationship".

It was the first time somebody said back to you "What can I do to reassure you"

It was the first time somebody said "I can leave them and spend time with you"

It was the first time you reached out, it was the first time where you shut down and somebody pulled you back in.

It was the first time where you self isolated and waited for them to come back to you and they did.

It was the first time where somebody suggested what they could do to make it better.

It was the first time somebody asked you to change for them.

It was the first time you felt like apologizing.

You paint yourself as a manipulator, a gaslighter, a this or that, because your people pleasing and sense of guilt is so thick the only way you can picture having needs is by manipulating yourself into thinking you're manipulating other people.

You need to be called out, you felt something change in you, you felt it, I felt it, we felt it, I know we felt it.

I know this is what you wanted, I know you're just scared, I know you're missing the security, it's hard to go to being completely and utterly alone

But you deserved the flowers, you deserve somebody who wants to work it out with you, you deserve somebody who wants not just the relationship but you, you deserve somebody who not only wanted to call you their wife but also wanted you as a person as their wife.

Inside you know, in your heart of hearts, you know, you understand, that girl is there, that 22 year old girl who is scared, terrified, just landed in the ER, she is still there she is crying and she is scared, you want to go into the past and reach out for her but she's here now and you can protect her, you can protect yourself, you can you can you can I don't care what you think, you can.

As much as you don't want to admit it, it wasn't your fault, it wasn't your cross to bear, it wasn't your guilt. You deserve somebody who wants to have the hard conversations with you, you also deserve to grow, you were not made to adopt a pet, nurse it back to health and then have it bite you, you just were not.

You're scared, I know you're scared, I know you don't know who will show up for you but that's okay because you will show up for yourself, we will show up for you, we are here for you.

[diaryofhealing]

You were so scared and embarrassed to write this. But it’s all okay now. I believe this (mostly)

[diaryofhealing]

Things that happen to you are rarely because you deserve it, especially health wise. Unfortunately you’re a genetic soup mix of all the other people that came before you and sometimes that doesn’t shake out too well.

[diaryofhealing]

Bro cancer