The Art of Brooding

[dictatormeowmeow]

Hearts And Arrows

You belong to my heart and my heart belongs to me But these arrows in my heart Make it so hard to breathe If I pull the arrows out My heart will surely bleed And in the bottom of my heart I must have heart disease I guess that serves me right For loving recklessly I guess that serves me right wearing my heart on my sleeve Now my heart has turned black from the soot of the flames Of these sick little twisted broken heart games And all the trees where I carved Hearts and arrows and names Went up in smoke on the day of the broken heart parade The hearts skipped out the houses They raced to the streets The hearts danced to the sound Of their collective heartbeat Hearts that were bitter and hearts that were sweet All joined together and they started to sing As they burned all their bridges And they burned all the names Of the people who shot arrows Just trying to escape

[dictatormeowmeow]

The last time I lost my mind

Today I blew my brains out

I blew my mind away

My mind opened its eye

And rolled down the driveway

It got stuck in the gutter

It went rolling down the street

Til it hit the tire

Of a Lamborgini

My mind rolled up the window

And took the driver's seat

With electrical signals

It got the to stereo to sing

doobi doobi doobi

It started the car

It skidded away

Ridin dirty and breaking hard

Switchin lanes

Rockin cool shades

You are always on my mind

So then my mind sang

Summerland

I am finally free

Hop in my sweet ride

And come to Summerland with me

We can fly through the sky if we are fast enough

To the land of apples

To the golden heat

Summerland

Where we don't have to sleep

Reality is the dream

Of a dream

Of a dream

Where the weed trees sing

doobi

doobi

doobi

We can roll naked

Through the leaves

Reality

Is the dream

Of a dream

Of a dream

We'll never wake up again

We are finally free

Wave goodbye to your friends

From the passenger's seat

We're going to Summerland

We are finally free

[dictatormeowmeow]

To Do: return library books, call grandma, print flight confirmation, REVENGE

Liar liar

Set me on fire

Do your dance

And drape me in wires

Lead me to the lover's tree

And carve a crooked heart for me

The bark will peel

The heart will heal

I'll sell you if you sell me.

[dictatormeowmeow]

Fuck Buddy

I cannot fathom the immensity of the fuck I do not give.

I used to fuck this,

Fuck that

Fuck up

And fuck around.

I've had

Hot fucks

Shitty fucks

Holy fucks too

You used to fuck me

I used to fuck you

I'd fuck bitches, get money

Fuck the police too

Like fuck yeah, I'm a bad muthafucka

The fuck you gonna do?

I got fucked up the ass

And put it on Youtube

Why the fuck is there a parental advisory warning?

I'm just fucking with you

Shut the fuck up!

What the fuck

Does a fuck become

When it is given?

Do not give your fucks freely

Because who the fuck

Gives fucks back anymore

I gave a fuck once

And I got fucked over

That's why I stopped giving fucks

And now I'm fucking sober

So now go fuck yourself

Fuck it all

Fuck off

Fuck the world

Til you grow the fuck up

No more fucks from this girl.

[dictatormeowmeow]

On The Cusp Of Goodbye

Sleepy white snow

Do I really wanna go?

It awoke in the sky

Softly winking in my eye

Coffee rings beneath

The deadness inside

I'm just on the cusp of goodbye

But call me what you like

Give me a new disguise

Valentine

Draw your heart knife

Carve this into the watch tower

I am the queen of swords

Spawning life in words

Ours is the hour

Tonight we are stoned

Tomorrow we are bones

We war holes in our souls

That's why my feet soar

To a sun cold as gold

Time is the seasoning

Mintpepper and applepine

Dust the starsea

Snow dream

Softly winking in my eyes

Kissing my cheeks on the beach

I'm on the cusp of goodbye

But the dead do not speak

The dead do not cry

That's just snow melting in my eyes

Leave me where I lie

Face down in this tangled web of mine

Cause it's easier for me than saying goodbye.

[dictatormeowmeow]

Unicorns from around the world!

[dictatormeowmeow]

Acrylic on canvas. I frame my future beneath the Oakland tree.

[dictatormeowmeow]

"Feels Like Dying"

Acrylic on canvas. 4 hours of painting while crying.

[dictatormeowmeow]

I Give You My Heart Freely

A heart does not simply beat.

A heart can Throb

Skip

Dance

Sing

Race

Soar

Change

Sink

Ache

Break

Bleed.

/

A sad ending

Tugs at the heart strings

With a heart-wrenching squeeze.

You can pour your heart out

Wear it on your sleeve

Lock it in a cage,

Present it to the Queen.

/

Cross my heart and hope to die

Stick a needle in my eye--

Listen when your heart speaks.

You might learn something.

Follow your heart.

Be sure your heart is in the right place

Because home is where the heart is

And both can be broken.

/

How do the heartless

Lose their hearts?

A heart can be

Stolen,

Eaten,

Eclipsed,

Diseased.

A heart can be

Forgotten in San Francisco.

/

A heart can be an empty room.

/

A heart can be won

But never sold.

A heart can be young

But never old.

A heart can be weak

A heart can be strong

A heart can be big

Or two sizes too small.

/

Don't phunk with my heart.

My heart will go on.

/

From the heart of the matter

To the heart of the cards

There are black hearts

Glass hearts

Cold hearts

Rabbit hearts

Lion hearts

Bridled hearts

Weary hearts

Cheated hearts

Broken hearts

Bleeding hearts

Heavy hearts

Kingdom hearts

Heart of hearts

Heart to hearts

Hearts of stone

Hearts of chocolate

Hearts of gold

/

Our hearts

Are carved in oak.

/

With all my heart,

Kaitlyn Rose

[dictatormeowmeow]

Love is a conspiracy of two that often results in treason.

A Natural History of Love by Diane Ackerman

[dictatormeowmeow]

Two young people's remains were found at a Neolithic site dig site near Mantova, Italy. Archeologists believe this couple was buried 5000-6000 years ago, locked in an embrace.

[dictatormeowmeow]

Reasons To Live

You didn't leave a legacy

You didn't leave a note

Just a hoodie

A paperback

An iPod

A phone

Dum Dum wrappers behind my bedpost

An Airforce wristband

And a hat

With a few strands

Of straw-colored hair.

*

And here I am,

Still standing,

Lips pressed against

The chain link fence of Leimert bridge

Listing reasons to live

Now that love is dead.

*

Mosh pits

Singing on the swings

Coffee and tea

Speakers and bass

A plan to leave this place

Secret staircases

Good hair days

Rhymes

Smiles

Picking bouquets

Free samples

Summer days, summer nights

Dreams

Beautiful machines

Dance parties

Crying at sad endings

The shade of trees

Making silly faces at babies

First meetings

*

And as I fumble for reasons,

Rain seeps through my jeans

Through my socks

To my bones

Rain stings

Rain cleans.

At least I feel cold.

*

Memento Mori:

Remember you will die.

Everyone dies.

We must cherish our time.

*

As you fell,

Did you change your mind?

Where did you go?

If you're up in the sky,

Then you must be in the rain.

If you're floating in the bay,

Never to be found

Fish nibbling on your eyes

The sun will beam you to a cloud--

Evaporation, condensation, precipitation--

One molecule at a time.

*

You must be in the rain.

*

Would you still be alive

If we were married at the Church of Elvis

For twenty-five cents?

There is no sense in regrets

But I confess

I still look for your shadow

Walking next to mine.

I still sigh when white Odysseys rattle by,

Especially the ones

That don't heed traffic signs.

I still apologize to your photo

For not kissing you one last goodbye.

*

I still listen for your reply.

*

Memento Mori:

Remember you will die.

Everyone dies.

We must cherish our time.

*

Reasons to live

Jingle in my pocket like dimes

As I skip home

Remembering the time

You told me that I

Was your reason to live.

*

You were never mine.

*

Still I wait by my window

As the rain pours

And I laugh just a little

'Cause you never used the door.

I read this poem to your photo

And listen for your reply--

*

Raindrops tap my windowpane

Like dimes.

[dictatormeowmeow]

Yoshitaka Amano, illustrator and concept artist for the Final Fantasy series, one of my greatest influences as an artist.

[dictatormeowmeow]

"Zunicorn"

Ink on watercolor, 5 X 7". I'm giving this one away for Christmas.

[dictatormeowmeow]

 My feelings are the only thing I eat anymore. Each has its own distinct flavor-- some salty, others sweet, and there's always that one emotion that catches me off-guard, so spicy I sputter and blush and spit out the half-chewed pieces into a napkin. Usually I toss the bitter cores in the garbage, but on those days when my heart has been emptied, I scrape away the seeds and slice them into stew. Yesterday I simmered sweet Dreams and sour Disillusionment until the broth began to bubble. It tasted like broken heart, but I don't eat those anymore, so tucked away the leftovers in my refrigerator. I hate it when my feelings go rotten.

I always eat too many feelings when I'm high. Sometimes it's too much for my stomach lining to handle, sometimes I shove my finger down my throat to regurgitate the Disappointment, the Animosity and the Dread and the Shame until there is nothing left but Relief.

[dictatormeowmeow]

He's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same... I AM Heathcliff. [thunderbolt] Everything he's suffered, I've suffered. The little happiness he's ever known, I've had too. Oh, Ellen, if everything in the world died and Heathcliff remained, life would still be full for me.

Cathy, Wuthering Heights (1939)

[dictatormeowmeow]

An album cover commissioned by local band Anewabyss. They asked me to draw a goblin in a surgeon's mask injecting a zombie with disturbing thoughts. The album is entitled, "Dreading My Thoughts," or "DMT" for short. As I developed the concept for this painting, it grew more and more personal. It became another self-portrait, in a way, for I myself am quite disturbed in the wake of Edward's suicide. After Edward jumped, I really wanted to have a baby, to create a new life that would replace the one that he threw away. This painting is on a large sheet of watercolor paper, about 20X30 inches. I used watercolor, gouache, and acrylic paint for the coloring and I also used ink for outlines and the CT scans on the monitor.