Apparently his relationship to Tatsumi is more obvious than he originally thought, and his face flushes a dusky pink as he averts his gaze. Hisokaâs not wrong, is the thing, and itâs embarrassing that heâs let himself be this obvious, that he canât seem to control himself. Heâs never been shy or ashamed about his more feminine hobbies â the gardening, the cooking, the dancing, things that have historically been deemed womanâs work when they arenât part of a career path â but those are different than⊠labeling himself like that. If he ever talked about it, itâd be like wearing a target.
âNo, youâ you donât have to be sorry.â What would it hurt, to bring it up? Just with Hisoka? If Hisoka likes men, itâs not like it changes Tsuzukiâs opinion of him, so what harm would it do? But itâs somehow different when itâs his own sexuality heâs putting up for judgment. Then again, since Hisoka seems to know anywayâŠ
âWe⊠were.â His heart pounds like heâs just run a race. Their partnership had only lasted three short months, and in the height of the war on top of that, so maybe it hadnât counted. People do all sorts of things when theyâre in distress, and Tatsumi did leave him, after all. It had been a mistake. (Tsuzuki doesnât regret it, though. Just the circumstances surrounding it, if anything.) âWe did. I mean⊠Yes.â
He loved him. He still loves him, on some level, even if he can see in retrospect that they werenât good for each other, that the time wasnât right, that sometimes you can love someone with all your heart and it still isnât enough. Heâs loved others, too â his first partner, and then the American stranger whoâd come through Asia while backpacking, and nowâŠ
âI think there are plenty of people whoâd want to date you,â he says honestly. âIt doesnât have to be someone you work with. Iâm sure there are people in other divisions whoâd love to go out with you, Hisoka.â Or on Earth, but thatâs a recipe for heartbreak. âYouâre very likable!â
Some of the pressure seems to ease, but any relief is quickly overtaken by anxiety, fear, and Hisoka feels his own heart pounding in his chest like heâs the one spilling a secret thatâs so deeply buried, so rooted into Tsuzukiâs mind as a secret despite all his flirting and jokingâ
It really does make him sad, the more he thinks about it. Tsuzuki is such a wonderful, caring person, and yet heâs built this cage around part of who he is because of hatredâbullying and shame and loss and youâre a monster, youâre a freak and how could anyone love youâand it hurts to feel it, to see it, to think Tsuzuki is so ashamed just of loving people that he hadnât even wanted to tell his partner when Hisoka had alreadyâwhatâs it calledâcome out first.
He reaches over to put his hand on Tsuzukiâs arm, and that just amplifies all of itâbut he doesnât hesitate. He actually kind of wants to hug him, a little. Tsuzuki must really be rubbing off on him.
âI know that was really hard for you to tell me,â Hisoka says, and itâs true. Maybe he doesnât understand why, not really, not firsthand, but he knows, and that matters to him. âYou know it doesnât change anything, right? Youâre still the same person, and youâre still my partner. I donâtâlike you any less or anything, and I wonât tell anyone, you can trust me.â
He pats Tsuzukiâs shoulder, face still a bit pink from embarrassment.
ââI really think youâre overestimating me, though.â
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