What we are // Roy's POV #2
DCU, Jason Todd x Roy Harper, Oneshot, 16k words
When Dick finds Roy Harper in his innocent little brother's bed one night - breaking and entering uninvited into said little brother's home notwithstanding - he knows something is going on between them.
So it's only natural that he shows up unannounced the next morning to shovel talk Roy.
It's not like anything could go wrong with that plan.
Right?
Somehow, Roy finds himself standing outside of Dick's front door.
He doesn't remember how he got there.
He remembers a bus stopping in front of him while he was sitting on a bench, the destination displayed on the front reading Blüdhaven. He remembers climbing aboard, paying the fare with some loose change from his pocket, and staring out the window during the forty-minute ride, letting the monotonous rows of buildings lull him into a meditative state.
He remembers walking to Dick's building, the front door left unlocked because the lock has been broken for months, climbing the familiar flights of stairs one after another until —
Until he's standing in front of the unmistakable door he knows leads to Dick's apartment.
What he doesn't remember is consciously deciding to come here to confront Dick, but...
Beggars can't be choosers.
Roy hasn't even finished knocking on the door with — maybe a little more than necessary — force before it swings open.
It's almost as if the man behind it knew Roy was there the whole time and had simply been waiting for him to find the courage to knock.
Braced on the doorframe like he expects Roy to swing at him, Dick looks guilty.
Which, honestly, Roy appreciates.
At least he got that part right.
"Roy," Dick starts, raising his hands in the universal gesture for please don't punch me. "Okay. Before you — I just want to say I'm sorry."
Roy snorts. "That's your opener?"
"It's not — I didn't mean to —"
"You didn't mean to what?" Roy cuts in, stepping inside without waiting for an invitation. Fuck it. It's not like Dick waited for one before barging into his and Jason's sanctuary. "Ambush us at breakfast? Out my feelings for Jason? Or just generally bulldoze through the one thing I explicitly asked you not to touch?"
Dick closes the door slowly.
Roy stares at his — probably former — best friend with hard eyes and crossed arms.
"Congratulations," he snaps. "You fucking failed."
Silence stretches between them. Roy stays silent, intent on not breaking it first. He's said his piece already, and it's not like he owes Dick any kind of explanation anyway.
Dick visibly recalibrates.
"I have nothing against you, Roy, I swear," he says more carefully. "Hell, I'm happy Jason has someone in his corner. It's just — he's my brother. And you know what he went through. I just want to protect him, that's all."
And once again, Dick misses the point by a landslide.
"Yeah? You want to be protective?" Roy's voice rises despite his best — mostly unsuccessful — effort to keep it level. For the sake of Dick's neighbors, if nothing else. "Then maybe try actually getting to know him instead of projecting whatever version of him you've decided fits in your head."
Dick blinks and takes a step back, surprised by the vehemence in Roy's reaction.
"Not fair?" Roy grips his own hair instead of following his current impulse — i.e., punching Dick in the face. "You know what's not fair? Jason suddenly trying to get in my pants after you showed up and me having to stop him!"
"...Wait." Dick's brows knit. "Why would you stop him if you actually care about him?"
Is that what Dick takes from this?
"Because I am very much not okay with Jason doing something he doesn't really want to," Roy explains carefully, his voice straining with the effort of keeping his emotions under control. He can still feel the cold shock of the moment he realized what Jason was doing, and why.
"Jason only kissed me because he was trying to do some kind of fucked-up damage control on our relationship," Roy spells out. "Because of your meddling."
Dick looks confused now, but not defensive — just clearly, genuinely not following Roy.
The heavy sigh escapes Roy almost against his will.
"That's not the point, Dick."
"It kind of is," Dick insists. "If Jason wants to sleep with you, and you both care about each other —"
"He doesn't want to sleep with me," Roy cuts in, voice tight. "Or rather, he does now because he thinks that's what he has to do to keep me around."
He loses the last of his calm, because if he has to spell it out, so be it.
"That's not exactly consent, Dick."
"Okay." Dick nods slowly. "I get your point."
Before Roy can voice the sarcastic comment about Dick's thick skull that's already on the tip of his tongue, Dick's expression hardens slightly.
"But that doesn't mean he doesn't get to decide what he wants to do with his own body."
So now Roy is the bad guy in this discussion?
"That's not what I'm saying," Roy replies, defensive. "Of course he gets to decide. He should be able to decide if he wants to have sex with me. But it should be because he wants it, not because he's afraid I'm going to walk away if he doesn't."
Dick exhales, running a hand through his hair.
"That sounds like you're assuming he can't tell the difference."
Because that's exactly the accusation Jason threw at him.
"And that sounds like you're projecting," Dick continues. "And taking the choice away from him either way."
And while Roy can see the point they're both trying to make, this is not what he's doing here.
He's trying to protect Jason, damn it.
"No," he says, slower now, forcing clarity into the mess the discussion has become. "I'm saying he thinks love automatically means sex."
"Because you showed up," Roy continues, "and assumed that because what's between us is more than friendship, we should be sleeping together."
"That's just... normal, though. For most people."
Dick shrugs slightly, like it's obvious.
"I mean, yeah. If you love someone and you don't want physical intimacy, that usually just means it's friendship. And Jason clearly cares a lot about you. So if he's choosing to have sex with you, I really don't see what your problem is."
Because Roy can clearly see the problem, but he seems to be the only one.
"So you think consent is just... what? Agreement without context?"
"That's not what I said."
"It's what you're implying," Roy replies sharply. "Jason didn't initiate sex because he wanted it, Dick. He did it because he thinks I'll leave if he doesn't."
"Roy," he says, frustrated, "you're making him sound like he can't make decisions for himself."
"No," Roy says, voice low and controlled. "I'm saying I refuse to be the reason he makes a decision like that out of fear."
For a moment, Dick doesn't respond.
Then, softer, "You're overthinking this."
Roy laughs, but there's no humor in it.
"I wish I was. I really do."
"Look," Dick says, placating him, "I get that you care about him. I do. But Jason deserves a normal relationship, and —"
"Would you stop pushing your 'normal' version of a relationship onto us?"
Roy loses it — for real this time.
"What is it that makes it so hard for you to understand that we can love each other — and no, Dick, not just as friends — but we don't need sex to prove it to ourselves or anybody else?"
"Because I don't know how it's possible to love someone without wanting to have sex with them!"
He throws his hands up, gesturing sharply toward Roy.
"You're standing there, all high and mighty, preaching that love transcends physical attraction and all that shit... well, that hasn't been my experience, Roy!"
Dick glares at him, arms crossed defensively.
"So yeah, I think you're full of shit, and that you're actually hurting my brother with your principles!"
The worst thing is that it lands.
Because Roy is trying to protect Jason. Trying to do the right thing —
—but in the end, he's the one who hurt Jason today.
The one who could have stayed and didn't, when everything Jason said and did was a flashing warning sign of his abandonment issues driving his behavior during their argument.
And still, he walked away from Jason.
Roy sighs and looks away, defeated.
Fortunately, Dick doesn't say anything. He lets Roy sink into the nearby couch before sitting down himself, carefully, as if expecting Roy to jump at his throat any second.
For a moment, neither of them speaks.
Then Roy finds himself thinking about how long he spent trying to figure Jason out.
Not the big things; those were easy enough.
Jason is angry. Stubborn. Loyal to a fault. Terrified of being abandoned and very good at pretending otherwise.
It's the little things that had confused Roy at first.
The way Jason could spend an entire evening pressed against him without seeming to realize what it did to Roy.
The way he'd crawl into Roy's bed after a nightmare and fall asleep with his head on Roy's shoulder, apparently oblivious to the fact that Roy had spent half the night staring at the ceiling and trying not to lose his mind.
The way Jason never seemed to notice when Roy was flirting with him.
"You know what's fucked up?" Roy says eventually, still staring at the rug beneath his feet. "I actually tried."
"To figure out if he was interested." Roy huffs a humorless laugh. "When I figured out I was falling for him, I tried flirting. Hanging around half-dressed. That sort of thing."
Dick shifts uncomfortably in his seat, but Roy doesn't stop.
"If you didn't want the details of my numerous failed attempts to seduce your little brother, you probably shouldn't have ignored me when I asked you to stay out of this."
"I'm not asking for details."
"Good. Because I have enough of them to scar you for life," Roy threatens.
That earns him the faintest grimace from Dick, and somehow, the tiny bit of normalcy makes it easier to keep talking.
"But he never reacted to any of it," Roy says. "At least, not the way I expected."
He smiles faintly at the memory of his younger confused self.
"So at first, I thought he just wasn't interested. Or that he knew exactly what I was doing and didn't want to acknowledge it."
"Then he kept touching me."
"All the time. Leaning against me. Falling asleep on me. Crawling into my bed after nightmares. Putting his feet in my lap while we're watching TV."
"Things that definitely weren't helping me get over him."
"So maybe you were being too subtle?" Dick offers.
Considering the comments he received during their Titans days — from Dick, among others — subtlety is not exactly how Roy would describe his flirting.
"Yeah. Okay. Probably not."
"After a while, I realized he genuinely didn't understand what I was trying to do."
"And that was when I stopped trying to push it."
Dick watches him carefully.
"I followed his cues instead. Let him decide what kind of physical contact he wanted, what he was comfortable with. And that's how we ended up here."
Roy gestures vaguely between them.
"Whatever you want to call this, it hasn't been platonic friendship for a long time."
Dick takes that in for a long moment.
"Yeah. He says so, and this…" Roy shrugs helplessly. "I have no reason to doubt it."
Dick curls his lips slightly.
"And you... do you love him?"
Roy stares at him, dead serious.
Because that's the trap, isn't it?
The assumption that the only two options are stay and accept it, or leave and confirm Jason's fear.
They love each other. It should be easy.
But Roy has just seen Jason build a version of that love where he feels like he has to trample his own comfort to avoid being abandoned — and where he refuses to admit it.
One of them is going to have to give in.
And Roy isn't sure he could ever forgive himself for being the one to cave.
"I didn't mean to mess things up."
Roy lets out a tired, humorless laugh.
"...Is it really that bad?" Dick asks, quieter now.
"I don't know how to fix it," Roy admits, looking away.
That's what scares him most.
Because Jason isn't broken.
Roy is the one standing in the middle of it, realizing that the path to hell is paved with good intentions. That love, when tangled with fear and assumptions, stops being something simple you can just feel without consequences.
He gets up and walks toward the door while Dick calls after him, uncertain.
"Roy, what are you going to do?"
But what he does know is that he needs to go back to Jason.
Not to convince him of anything.
Because if Jason really believes he has to become someone else to keep Roy, then Roy needs to make damn sure he understands that isn't true.
Dick is right about one thing: this isn't something Roy gets to decide alone.
"I'm going to make sure I don't hurt him," he says quietly.
"Even if I don't know what that looks like yet."
He leaves before Dick can answer.
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