'Creative.Mindz'

Thoughts in writing. - This blog does not represent me well at all but sure: This is who I am.

[brian4rmthe6]

[javarisx-fightingthosedemons]

[blvckroseee]

🥲

[cyberglittter]

https://www.instagram.com/p/CK-SfCXBKM2

[differenti]

Im crashing and the funniest thing is that i can’t even tell when this started or how cause i dont feel any different.

Ive been saying im in a bad place for like 5 years (much longer actually but we dont acknowledge that period of time). Thinking as soon as im done doing this my life wil lget better and ill finally be able to do what i want to do and not be responsible for anyone else and it just really came crashig down on me that i will never be okay like i literally will never be okay i set myself up i really did

Thinking if i did such and such i can avoid the pain but honestly set myself up for the long haul of lonelyness and pain and hhhahahahahahhahahhaha

Fuck

What am i even doing all this for tho? Like there is no point. There really isnt im onlu doing this to like stay off teh streets but is it even worth it what the fuck is the difference like

Im so tired wtf

[differenti]

Also just realised its christmas (yea i forgot for a minute- shows you how my holidays are going) and that means that im still gonna have to smile to her

[differenti]

I want to puch my sister in the face so bad/hard

[vegyta-deactivated20181007]

When boys show their emotions and not act closed off for no damn reason 😩😚😛😍😍😍👀😏😏💯💯🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽😚😍💯💯❤️❤️❤️❤️👄👅💦 need me a freak like that 😚😚😏😏😍😍💯💯💯🙌🏽🍆💦👅

[differenti]

For fucks sake

I dont talk alot in real life, but when i do or have to DONT FUCKING INTERJECT I JUST FOR CHRISKCSAKE FUCK LET ME FINISH WHAT IWANTED TO SAY YOURE MAKEING IT HARDER FOR ME TO SPEAK AND YOURE MAKKNG ME REPEATCMYSELF AND YOURE ARGUIING ME FOR NO FUCKING REASON WHEN IM SAYONG THE SAME FUCKING THING IF YOUD JUST LET ME FUCKING FINISH

FUCK.

[differenti]

Nvm still got salty

[differenti]

I wanna be sooooooo salty but im not gonna bait im not im so proud of myself im keeping it pg im nope i can do this

[moonjjongie]

when !! will !! this !! year !! choke !!

[differenti]

Im not at all okay

[differenti]

You know fucking what? Engaging in social situations is incredibly draining to me. So i rarely bother other people because i religiously believe in "do unto others..".

So when i'm in a situation i always try to fix it myself. I always do whatever i can do on my own before i call in for backup. That means that i have to work very hard to make sure that i can help myself and equip myself with the neccesary tools to do so.

But boooooyyyyyy do people call me in for the smallest but also grandest of things. For fucks sake. Because they and i quote "can't trust anyone else to really do it right"

Look i'm all for upping my karma points here and always willing to helpe because the "do unto others" also works as "do good to others and good will come to you" and if i need help i would like the actual help i'd have offered if the roles were reversed.

Its just that all favors and helps and asks combined just fucking drain the life out of me because i cant get to my own shit because i'm exhausted!!!!!

I realize that bluntly said: i'm complaining for being seen as a "perfect being who cant do no wrong" but the KEY WORD here is BEING SEEN. I KNOW DAMN WELL IM NOT. IM A NASTY, MEAN, ANTISOCIAL, FILTHY, AVERAGE BITCH THATS NEEDS TO WORK 5 TIMES AS HARD TO GET TO AN ACCEPTABLE LEVEL OF AVERAGE. NOT EXCEPTIONAL- AVERAGE BITCH.

I have anger issues, im always upset, im overweight, my skin isnt clear, i can go on its just that i know other people dont deserve my anger so i try to just keep my social to a minimum and when i do engage in social situaitions i put my best face on but really i just want to be a burrito blanket with thousends of euros on my bankaccount to just look at. Eat all fucking day and have puppies lick my face. Thats it.

Honestly i'm good. Maybe a netflix or just internet and i'm fine. Really im good. I dont need this. I .. i am so upset.

[differenti]

Fuck they changed tumblr again fcol..

Anyway quick update

So remember that job i had that was killing me like forreal i kILling me fRom THE INSIDE OHT?

Haha yea much has happened wont get too much into that but long story short i am now COO. :) yea so im running the company in the shadows basically

Right so, im still there

But thats not why i wanted to update you guys

An article was run about the company and its edeavors in this international magazine we wont mention and okay so here's some background info:

The team is now down to 4 people. with me as coo, the dude i work for as ceo (only in title) a dude who does production and another dude as cfo.

Yes the whole company i currently running with 4 people. Why? Because people were smarter then me and ran when they saw this was a sinking ship. It still is actually i just am delusional enough to stick around

OHoh and this new girl we hired a week ago for management. So 5 people now

But okay back to the story so i see the article, come across it via fb and like i said its about the company and what we do and blah en then it gets to the bottom where it goes "meet the team" with photos of said team and their roles

So the dude who does production is there, the new girl is there and then there's a dog.

What dog you ask? The writer's dog (i know the writer we represent her) but that doesn't matter the joke to me is AND IM CACKLING AT THIS POINT THIS IS COMEDY PEOPLE THIS IS IT

THEY FEATURED A DOG. NOT THE PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY RUN THE COMPANY SHE PLACED HER DOG THERE. AND i feel like this speaks volumes of what huge a joke i am and that life is a running gag i fucking swear

[differenti]

I NEED TO GET MY SHIT TOGETHER FORREAL THIS CANT STAY LIKE THIS FOR FUCKS SAKE

[differenti]

I wasn't bothered but i prob really am cause here i am posting about it

But i realise i have sucky "friends". They work "black" and so they make more money and are financially flexible I work white and of course make significantly less and pay all my bills and help my mom out so i dont have the financial flexibility or stability that i want and food makes me happier than clothes also its cheaper to me between the two i'll always pick food. so i cant update my closet regularly i wear the same leather jacket in winter and summer cause i cant afford a winter coat i've worn the same scarf for 3 years cause its a good quality big scarf and i get sick easily so its always with me so sure it looks worn my boots are rugged but i pass it off as fashion cause i havent been able to afford new shoes in at least the past 4 years and so if i cant buy myself some basics i dont have the money for accesories or extra's at all.. my brows are formless, my foundation is all wrong, my skin is far from smooth

So yeah, i dont look all that fancy and i wont be able to for a long while but i bust my ass every single day and make the sacrifices that i have to make without complaining cause i like my scarf, my rugged boots and torn leather jacket. I invested in them with my money and hustle and after all these years they're still with me

So fuck off with you under table jabs at my clothes and outfit and me in general

Absolutely fuck off

[radiations]

there used to be so many people in my life that i just stopped talking to one day and i never attempted to reconnect with because it always felt like it was too late and i mean i guess it was but it wouldn’t have been too late back then when i initially thought it was