history of the entire world starters
snippets from bill wurtzâ history of the entire world. feel free to add to this, amend and generally do what the heck you like with these man :^)
âYouâre on a rock, floating in space. Pretty cool, huh?â
âI canât even get from here to there without buying a boat.â
âHow did this happen?â
âLike I said, it didnât happen.â
âNothing was ever anywhere.â
âForget this, I wanna be something, go somewhere, do something.â
âI want things to change.â
âI want to invent time and space, and I know itâs possible, because everything is here.â
âTry to stick together, because the world is going to get bigger, and emptier.â
âSome stars burn out and die; bigger stars burn out and die with PASSION!â
âHoly shit, we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks.â
âWeather update; cooler temperatures today and the floor is no longer lava.â
âSomethingâs alive in the ocean.â
âTired of living at the bottom of the ocean?â
âWow, thatâs animals and stuff.â
âTHE SUN IS A DEADLY LAZER.â
âAnd thereâs no food yet, so I donât care.â
âLearn to use an egg.â
âOh fuck, now everythingâs dead.â
âYeah it broke apart, donât worry about it, it does that all the time.â
âItâs mammal time.â
âLook at those breasts.â
âThatâs a human person, and now theyâre everywhere.â
âFuck it, time to plant some grass.â
âNow everyone will want to be my friend and live near me.â
âComing soon to a dank river valley near you.â
âWhy is all my metal so lame and lumpy?â
âI donât know, my dealer wonât tell me where he gets it.â
âThey wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff.â
âYou can make a religion out of this!â
âOops, China just broke.â
âIt was a great ideaâhe was great, but now heâs dead.â
âWill you get the hell out of here if I give you 500 elephants?â
âHell yeah! Now weâve got business.â
âIs loving Jesus legal yet?â
âYour gods are all fake.â
âYou can make a religion out of this, and maybe conquer the world as well.â
âWanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere?â
âLook at those mounds.â
âI always wondered how to build a town in a cliff.â
âIs it Tonga time? I think itâs Tonga time.â
âLook at this Chadâthat means lake.â
âSo you think you can conquer the Byzantine Empire?â
âHey Christians, do you sin?â
âThatâs bullshit, this whole thing is bullshit, thatâs a scam.â
âFuck the church, hereâs 95 reasons why.â
âNope, but at least thereâs beaver.â
âWhy didnât we think of this before?â
â_________ lives in Zanzibar now, thatâs just where s/he lives.â
âWell, blame something on them and go to war!â
âLook at those guns, itâs gonna be a great war.â
âExcept Turkey, Turkey makes a brand new Turkey.â
âLetâs unite all the nations and have some world peace.â
âIâll race you to space!â
âWanna print a brain?â
âSome people have no friends, some people have no food.â
âThe globe is warming and the ocean is full of plastic.â
âLetâs save the world!â
âBy the way, where the hell are we?â