#extradirty
if i look back, i am lost
pixel skylines
will byers stan first human second
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JVL
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blake kathryn
Sade Olutola
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wallacepolsom
Misplaced Lens Cap
gracie abrams
I'd rather be in outer space 🛸
Cosimo Galluzzi
Cosmic Funnies
KIROKAZE
taylor price
2025 on Tumblr: Trends That Defined the Year
roma★
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@dinamakan
09.23 PM
A passage from Paulo Coelho keeps lingering in my soul:
"Why do we want to live for ever? Because we hope that tomorrow will bring us someone we can love. Because we want to live another day with the person we love beside us. Because we want to find someone who deserves our Love and who, in return, will know how to love us as we deserved to be loved. That is why, when a man has no one to love him, he feels a great desire to die."
Three Days
July 9th
This year's start of July was peculiar. Where was that sorrow? That sense of dread facing birthday seemed to be absent. I worked like any other day. But the moment I was spiraling at 11 PM, a single tear fell.
July 10th
Had zero expectations. A heartfelt message from my partner started the day. A blessing for the remaining ones, they helped me to move forward. For a moment I pondered, I might just need to tolerate snobs, obnoxious and careless people. "Their existence is valid, so does my willingness to avoid having deeper bond." I finished Psychopolitics by Byung-Chul Han on this day. Soupy dinner warmed my soul. I got a reading notebook from a friend of mine.
July 11th
Missed Spain's quarter-final match and it wasn't my first rodeo. Had a slow morning, devouring birthday cakes and fruits. Utterly grateful for today's weather, I've finished a third of Carlo Rovelli's book, White Holes. Recently, I encountered with an announcement: a risograph workshop on the next week, then I was managed to sign up despite the limited slots. Blessed.
JWC 2025
Better late than never, I finally wrote this short note after Jakarta World Cinema 2026 has been announced. I even discovered JWC 2025 after they posted "Drive My Car" additional show on Instagram, right a day before the festival started. I got the chance to see 4 films, and it all (well, almost) left a lasting impression on me.
Human Resource
Though I was anticipating this film wholeheartedly, "Human Resource" didn't meet my expectations.
Sentimental Value
After second thought, I don't think I can relate with this film per se, but I can really empathize with Nora, Agnes, Gustav, even Rachel Kemp's ambition.
Drive My Car
My heart almost skipped a beat when I got the ticket. It was hard to believe that I got the chance to see this film on cinema. I listened to Eiko Ishibashi's rhapsody all around me.
The Voice of Hind Rajab
Longest ovation I've ever witnessed in cinema. Free Palestine!
---
Can't wait to see "Look Back" and "All the Lovers in the Night" on JWC 2026.
09.46 PM
Just purchased another external hard disk and I immediately feel like my life has become more organized. I feel alive again, somehow. Maybe I also need to reset some aspects in life. I want a brand new me.
Starting all over again in another country, perhaps?
08.59 PM
Senin kali ini lumayan aneh, bertepatan dengan libur nasional dan saya tidak membawa pulang pekerjaan kantor. Berhubung saya mendapat sejumlah kupon dari Gramedia, hari ini saya isi dengan menukar kupon tersebut menjadi buku dan alat tulis. Saya membawa pulang:
Berfilsafat dari Konteks - Franz Magnis-Suseno
Kakak saya pernah bilang, semakin seseorang mendalami filsafat, maka semestinya orang tersebut semakin bijak. Saya ingin tahu bagaimana jabaran Romo Magnis dalam menerapkan filsafat di realitas sosial yang kita hadapi.
Mangir - Pramoedya Ananta Toer
Selain cetakan terbaru Tetralogi Buru, sepertinya Mangir adalah buku Pram yang masih relatif mudah ditemukan di toko buku. Sejujurnya saya masih berharap bisa menemukan buku Gadis Pantai.
Orang-orang Proyek - Ahmad Tohari
Sudah dari lama saya ingin baca buku ini. Sebagai desainer yang cukup sering bersinggungan dengan orang-orang proyek, saya tertarik mendengar setiap ulasannya. Benang merahnya, semua orang bilang buku ini sangat menggambarkan tipikal orang Indonesia dalam pelaksanaan proyek, dengan intrik yang sangat nyata dan dekat.
Max Havelaar - Multatuli
Saya mulai di tahap agak bingung untuk menghabiskan kupon ini, tapi setidaknya saya pilih buku yang cukup legendaris. Semoga suatu waktu nanti mental saya siap untuk membaca bagaimana kelamnya eksploitasi di masa kolonialisme.
Kios Pasar Sore - Reda Gaudiamo
Mulai dari buku pertama Na Willa hingga Na Willa dan Hari-hari Ramai, saya suka semuanya. Maka dari itu, saya percaya dengan tulisan-tulisan dari Ibu Reda.
Pulpen Sarasa, Kokoro, Pensil Caplet
Saya menggenapkan nominal kupon dengan membeli ulang alat-alat tulis favorit saya.
Terima kasih, Gramedia. :)
Extended
1.
Every January used to be a fresh start. Somehow, it doesn't feel the same this year. First week of January, no breakthrough. Second week of January, the pressure remained too hard to bear. January is almost over and I am barely breathing.
5.
It's been May and I'm still figuring out. Am I that resilient? Yet how long do I need to survive? Part of me wants to be vanished into thin air, yet another part of me wants to live longer.
Serene
A couple months ago, I was strolling by myself.
This view always reminds me of Perfect Days. I had perfect days as well.
I was walking, heading to the gallery. Hard to believe that I could witness these authentic paintings right in front of my eyes. Details from Henri Fantin-Latour had amused me. Moreover, I saw Monet's works this close.
Under the scorching sun, I kept walking to find another serene view.
Actually, the main destination was this independent library.
---
12.48 AM, still drowning in writer's block situation yet thinking about another escape plan.
Lost
Been a while since I wrote, don't know where to start. My love for writing fades away but haven't vanished into thin air yet. It kept me pondering, why the 'love' is still there? Perhaps it's a pure love? If 'writing' is a person inside my mind, this little one will always sit calmly amidst the chaos, waiting for the comeback. I am coming back now.
I lost a lot in terms of ambition and connection.
Some people said that I always knew my target and the ladder to get there. Writing my dreams on the wall was a daily basis. Those lines were without "May..." or "I hope...", I imagined as if I had aimed it all. But the ambition has been slowly diminished for three years. I live day by day, lucky enough if I could predict the whole week. The big plans are somehow hibernating, trapped under big projects in front of my eyes.
Some people came, yet lots of people left. No intention to throw the blame; socializing a lot can be quite exhausting for me. The fact that some people grow apart is understandable. I'd like to give a bow for certain people who still reach me out through thick and thin.
Lost in the complexity of my journey, I'm trying my best to find my way. Let me pray in silence for now. I will dream in silence. I will try to forgive in silence.
08.28 PM
Slowly losing the ability to write genuinely but gaining the ability to write professionally. I am not proud of it.
In case you haven't read Siddartha by Hermann Hesse yet, I recommend you to just read a short story from him called Augustus.
Although I have finished reading The Order of Time by Carlo Rovelli a month ago, my frustration over time still does exist. Perhaps the culprit could be the fact that I have seen Sore three times.
Yes, love like Sore does exist. I am only going to talk about the feelings— I set the cinematography, plot, or else aside. The thing is that Sore's principles make sense. I can relate wholeheartedly.
I stopped dreaming somehow, not sure about the cause. I am longing for my eager in pursuing dreams.
I am afraid of the dark, but in the darkest days I still see the light in the darkest room.
Waktu
Topik tentang umur biasa dipakai jadi pemantik orang-orang dalam menulis memoar. Umur dianggap sebagai momentum untuk merefleksikan apa yang telah dilalui, tengah dijalani, maupun yang akan dihadapi. Padahal nyatanya merenungi hidup tidak harus menunggu ulang tahun, tidak pula harus menunggu akhir tahun.
Saya masih termenung dengan buku The Order of Time, nonfiksi dari Carlo Rovelli. Persepsi saya terhadap waktu jadi berubah. Meski pembahasan di dalamnya cukup faktual dan berbasis ilmiah, saya jadi punya pertanyaan-pertanyaan sederhana:
Mengapa saya harus percaya bahwa idealnya di umur sekian sudah punya pencapaian A-Z?
Mengapa saya harus heran kalau ada banyak orang lain yang sama-sama berusia 26 tahun tapi cara berpikirnya masih seperti saya versi umur 22 tahun?
Mengapa saya harus sepakat dengan penentuan waktu-waktu tersebut dan menderita kemudian?
Pertanyaan-pertanyaan retoris ini kerap menghantui di malam-malam sebelum saya menginjak usia 27 tahun. "Jangan berkecil hati, ingat kembali apa yang dicita-citakan," kata Papa saya via telepon belum lama ini. Mungkin memang baiknya saya tentukan kembali arah hidup tanpa aturan waktu yang disadur dari hidup orang-orang di luar sana. Saya mulai dan selesaikan tanpa momentum khusus.
---
9 Juli 2025, 12.27 AM: Saya hampir lupa cara menuang isi pikiran lewat tulisan.
Fades Away
Deep inside my mind, I was full of angst, so full that I had to vent but not sure to whom. Someone told me I had an anger issue, that burned myself even more like hell. I hate people easily. Perhaps it is such a bold statement; the thing is, I find it harder to get along with other people these days. Sometimes their thought, behavior, or the way they talk feels obnoxious.
I know that expressing my hatred towards them is pointless, unfortunately I had tons of mistakes both in acts and reacts. I always realized it a few seconds after it all. I am a woman with regrets, yet I kept failing at handling my acts. The regrets were piling up like a mountain, extremely difficult to conquer.
But then, I opened my Kindle and read The Four Agreements, a popular work by don Miguel Ruiz. He said that human is the only living creature that needs to pay thousand times over a single mistake. In fact, we do not have to blame ourselves AND others thousand times over an issue. We are afraid of not being perfect as we imagine, but we can alleviate the fear and hatred through these agreements:
Be impeccable with our own word, words are swords. Not that people we hate do not deserve our rage; hate speech will make them despise us, which is not good for our lives.
Do not take anything personally, people are thinking about themselves instead of us.
Do not make assumptions, the unproven thoughts merely deepen our wounds.
Always do our best, and if we fall, no need to judge.
I was already familiar with those principles long before reading this book, but it managed to reconstruct my jumbled thoughts and feelings lately. When I kept ruminating over it by myself a few days ago, I was trying hard to hold my tears. The hate slowly fades away yet somehow the pain remains. It is indeed a long process.
Reading Lists
Who's currently working on a project but mentally exhausted, drowning in a reading slump, unable to take a break mindfully? It shouldn't be just me. I decided to write these lists, not sure if this helps me.
Here's my TBR list (not in order) (as far as I remember):
Doa Sang Katak 2 - Anthony de Mello
Pasca-Indonesia Pasca-Einstein - Y.B. Mangunwijaya
Burung-Burung Manyar - Y.B. Mangunwijaya
Jejak Langkah - Pramoedya Ananta Toer
Rumah Kaca - Pramoedya Ananta Toer
Invisible Women: Exposing Data Bias in a World Designed for Men - Caroline Criado Perez
The Architecture of Happiness - Alain de Botton
Mood Machine: The Rise of Spotify and the Costs of the Perfect Playlist - Liz Pelly
Enlightenment Now - Steven Pinker
The Burnout Society - Byung-Chul Han
Time Anxiety - Chris Guillebeau
Factfulness - Hans Roslin
Man's Searching for Meaning - Viktor E. Frankl
The Pilgrimage - Paulo Coelho
Cahaya dan Bayang-Bayang dari Jawa - Franz Junghuhn
and so on; if you see me reading other books, set me free.
Moreover, here are my current reads as I'm still trying to be present in the moment:
Anak Semua Bangsa - Pramoedya Ananta Toer
Imajinasi, Problematika, Kompleksitas - Anggi Afriansyah
The Jakarta Method - Vincent Bevins
It's not all about me, I'd also love to recommend these books for you:
Nuklir Sukarno: Kajian Awal atas Politik Tenaga Atom Indonesia 1958-1967 - Teuku Reza Fadeli (if you're into history)
Things You May Find Hidden in My Ear - Mosab Abu Toha (this book makes it easier for readers to empathize with Palestinians)
And Every Morning the Way Home Gets Longer and Longer - Fredrik Backman (a short book to cure the reading slump, but poignant enough to make you weep)
Jalan Raya Pos, Jalan Daendels - Pramoedya Ananta Toer (if you need a travel guide to enjoy a historical 'trip')
8 Rules of Love - Jay Shetty (if you want to: prepare for love / find your love / maintain the relationship / break up when things totally fell apart / know how to love all people in your life)
That's all, I'm going back to work on my project.
Inside My Head
Picking this title based on a song from Scaller is intentional.
"I don't wanna wake up; am I asking too much?"
There was a day I fully woke up— not only my body and soul, but my long-buried dreams. There was another day I had no reason to wake up. Apparently (and hypothetically), I need to take a step back and reobserve.
"What are your goals?" "No question needed; you are currently walking on the right path. But how long?" "There is a battle inside your head— the constant feeling of running out of time versus the realization that everyone has their own pace. Who actually wins?" "You know you can 'chunk' your goals to make it all more realistic. How would you like your chunks based on your current capacity?"
Wish I could have a serene mind.
Self-Taught
What skills or knowledge have you acquired through self-learning? I would love to discover the process, because I highly value every self-taught journey despite of my educational and career background. Outside of school and work, I'm basically self-taught— have never signed any other institutions to learn something. My mom and dad were not that ambitious to get me tutored back then. Disclaimer, a few people have taught me informally; my sister taught Mathematics, my high school teachers taught French and drawing test preparation outside of class hours, also one of my neighbors taught Japanese. But in general, I find my own way to learn.
My passion in arts and design led me to this current life. I spent 2000s era by drawing— with magazines, internet, and house brochures as the references. Sometimes I kept sketching the same stuff over and over until my muscle memory 'mastered' those objects. I was also attempting to understand HTML code by examining... Tumblr theme codes. Fast forward to the moment I prepared for college admission test, I relied on a textbook and mock test. As the time goes by, I dig deeper into architecture and interior design through libraries. The rest is a rocky journey— I'd say I learned the hard way.
There was a time I wondered, "What a waste of time, not getting any tutor back then." But my boyfriend once said, "If your parents gave courses for the younger version of you, then your curiosity and eagerness to learn wouldn't be this strong." Hence, I keep continuing my journey and always remind myself to choose the sources wisely. But after all the things I've learned by myself, I know that I know nothing. Scio me nihil scire.
Little Thoughts on Fashion
I should've written more about fashion here. Besides the idea of choosing writing as a new hobby, fashion blogs in the 2010s inspired me to build up a new one. Things in life have changed, but I still remember about my passion in fashion back then.
It All Started With...
Reading tons of fashion magazines and blogs. I used to start every month with bringing Gogirl magazine to school and read it several times until the new edition came up in the next month. Every single day, I doomscrolled blogs like eatsleepwear, Sonia Eryka, From Me to You, et cetera. Lookbook, Teen Vogue blog, and Rookie Mag were like morning newspapers to me. I followed the updates from NYFW and PFW, models like Alexa Chung and Barbara Palvin caught my attention. Oh, I almost forgot— I used to love watching Fashion TV as well though I knew it was boring for others.
These days,
As an adult which I can choose my clothes independently, I want to be more conscious in buying clothes. I usually pick basic items like black shirt, black trousers, black dress... No worries, my preferences in bags and shoes aren't always black. Awareness of the material is also crucial, cotton for the win. But I'm thinking of exploring various shapes of clothing— be experimental yet still essential.
10.28 PM
Have watched Conclave three times, I wouldn't mind watching it all over again.
Self-reminder: Categorize, everything has its own right place. I won't put the context here.
My sister once said, "The more you learn philosophy, the wiser you are. Snobs are usually just a bunch of newcomers."
The urge to write about an injustice that has been done by others not long ago, but I don't want to treasure it as a memory. Not letting it go; I only need to remind myself that I still have good things surround me. Focus on that.
I always read several books in parallel. Which one will finish first? My mood decides.
One of my pals was reading Ihwal Nama Majid Pucuk, a selection of short stories from Kompas in 2022. What a wide range of premises, I'd love to discover more.
The fact that I'm relatable to Linkin Park songs is concerning, but I'll always be waiting patiently for their upcoming works.
Glad that people can count on me when tasting the food.
There's nothing beneficial about being a haughty person. Will others look at us with respect? No. They will look at us with disdain or will even fight us for showing that they are not inferior. What good comes out of it? Nothing, everyone gets hurt.
My mind feels scattered.
A month later, post-concert depression is getting real.