Senpai Writes @directoraurelius - Tumblr Blog

By this time next month, if you don't hear from me, I probably have committed suicide. I'm not proud of doing this. But I'm just so damn tired of all the bs that's been going on. It's just a vicious cycle, going on and on and on- it's driving me mad. I don't eat as much. I can't sleep and I get nightmares when I do. I always feel a rope tightening around my neck. I puke in the bath room and one second, I see blood then gone in the next. I hear voices taunting me. It's all just terrifying. I just want to know peace. I'm so, so tired. For how long do I need to fight? When will I see the "grand design" of all of this? Hope? I already lost that a long time ago. The only reason that I keep pushing on is the tought of my family starving to death before this damn project is finished or, at least, blows over. But now, I'm afraid it's not enough. Not anymore. I was drowning before, but I still had my face above the water. Now, I had my head submerged for quite some time. I don't know until when do I have the will to hold my breath. I won't even ask you to pray for me. Pray, instead, for family to find peace after I'm gone.

I died when I tried

to keep myself afloat

for everyone to cling on to.

I can barely breathe.

I can't breathe.

-Be kind.

sinoatanokayokungganitoako-deac

“Surround yourself with people who see your value, and remind you of it.”

— Unknown (via quotefeeling)

The Art of Compromise.

There are a plethora of ways to keep a relationship afloat. Things like coming clean, selflessness, or even being funny at the right time, but none of these are as effective as "compromise". In the literal sense, compromise is the act of an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions. In other words, finding a middle ground.

The beauty of this is that you don't need to understand the other party's opinion. You just have to understand the situation; just agree to disagree. You just have to say "okay, I understand that we different opinions but we don't need to fight over this." In this way, you won't have that feeling of remorse from self-betrayal.

Mind you, that it's not acquired overnight. It takes practice, especially for strongly opinionated people like me. You need to broaden your horizon. You need to see beyond the hill that's in front of you. You have to see the world through the eyes of others. Let's go back to a previous statement: "you don't need to understand the other party's opinion". What I meant by this is that you still have to acknowledge their opinion but don't you need to agree with it.

Growing up with trust issues, everything just feels like a lie. You can't fully trust anyone or their actions fully. You will always think that you'll get stabbed as soon as you turn your back. It's not a good mentality, but you just want to be cautious. You do not want to get hurt, is all.

anime--irl

anime_irl

SENPAI WRITES No.6: Forgotten Riches

So to all of you who are fans of the Cartoon Network series, Adventure Time, this would be very familiar. This is my own version of the song "Everything Stays" by Rebecca Sugar, sung by Marceline and her mom in Season 7 Ep. 7 (love this episode).

It's really hard to interpret the original song because it could pan out into multiple views depending on who's listening. There was a triggering event when I wrote this back in 2017. I wanted to portray a heavy feeling of loss and betrayal. Looking at it today, it feels more selfish. But I'll leave the interpretation to you! Enjoy!

Tumblr Thoughts

So what exactly was that triggering event? To be honest, I don’t want to talk about it anymore because I’ve said enough of it. But so you just get the gist of it, I’ll give a few details. So my girlfriend then and I had a huge a fight because I said things that I shouldn’t have. After that, we went on-- limbo, I guess? Everything just went totes cold and hung from that point. Then there was this one guy, a knight-in-shining-armor type? You know where this is going. She didn’t cheat, though. As far as I know, that wasn’t really cheating. Looking back, I think that she just acted on impulse and looked for comfort as any other someone would do. But I wasn’t so understanding back then. Being the jerk that I was, I talked behind my girlfriend about what happened and made her look bad and I hate myself for doing that. But I guess, it’s too late for regrets now.

#poetry #poetryph #filipino poetry #adventure time

canisalbus

one day death will find you

SENPAI WRITES No.5: Tomato Paste

I write poetry to drown out certain emotions. Let's call it a coping mechanism of mine. Basically, what I do is I pour these emotions in my work. Turning things that seem so melancholic or dreadful into something beautiful.

Well, there's nothing much to say about this actually. What emotions I needed drowned, drowned. I'll let you imagine the rest. Enjoy!

Tumblr Thoughts

This is what I wrote in Instagram and Facebook when I posted this piece. I’ll be less bias here in Tumblr. The truth is that the inspiration for this piece was the break up with my girlfriend for four years. As you can notice, the lines are far shorter than my typical longer ones. To be blunt, I wasn’t in the mood for anything that day. I mean, come on, I was drowning in sorrow, “inspired” is the last word that I could describe myself.

Also, another thing is the wierd title. The story behind this goes way back 2016. When we started talking, the very first nickname I gave her was Tomato. This was because of an incident back in Summer School 2016 during the clearance signing. Long story short, we were cooped up in the prefect’s office with our “Cupid” (the prefect himself) and her face was red as a tomato. So that’s why I named the piece Tomato Paste. I really hope you guys enjoy my writing!

#poetry #poetryph #filipino poetry

SENPAI WRITES No.4: Left Behind

The inspiration for this piece was the Taal eruption back in 2019 and yes, this is a tragic one. I don’t want to spoil much about the story itself but, if you’ve read my previous works, you know there’s going to be a flavorful twsit in the end. Enjoy!

#poetry #poetryph #filipino poetry

SENPAI WRITES No.3: An Old Friend

I wrote this during a poetry writing workshop with the school paper during their literary fest in 2015. The event head told us to write a sample of our works and continued that whoever impresses their taste gets their piece included in the Mnemosynum: Kist 2016, the school’s year-end achievement review magazine. So this piece got that spot.

This was one of the first poems I wrote during my stay in Davao Doctors College and this is actually the inspiration for a latter work of mine: The Letter. What's impressive about this piece is that I did this in roughly 10 minutes. I was in my element so the words just came pouring in.

#poetry #poetryph #filipino poetry

SENPAI WRITES No.2: The Letter

Originally, this piece used to be my entry for our school paper’s slam poetry contest back in 2018. Well, as you can see, it’s TOTALLY a whole different genre. Was I aware of what “slam poetry” was? No. So, during the day of the submission of the pieces, I said to the event head, “Oops, wrong genre.” and left the room… Heavens take me.

So basically, this is the type of pieces I generally write as stated in my first post; a bit heartwarming in the beginning and you slowly realize that it’s a totally different story when you reach the end. Creepy at times. I hope you like it!

#poetry #poetryph #filipino poetry

SENPAI WRITES No.1: At The Edge

So there is a story behind this piece. I wrote this back in 2018 during my first run in 3rd year. I was failing a major subject. I was hurting. I was afraid. But I've come to terms with it and graciously accepted my fate. When I failed, I did still cry a bit, but it was a blessing in diguise. I had time to broaden my horizons. I got a job, met a new people, had a little taste of what real adulting life should be.

This a bit off-genre for me because I usually write darker, sadder, sometimes romantic-tragedy-ish like pieces. But it came out great and actually a bit inspirational and NOW, amidst the all the chaos of 2020, might be the best time to post this. Enjoy!

#poetry #poetryph #filipino poetry

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