ʕ´• ω •`ʔ

I hope nobody finds this blog

[dirtundermyfingernails]

Retired from sad

New career in romance

Fr tho idk. Been bitchless for like 5 years atp because I value my peace like that. Didn’t miss romance too much.

I feel like posting here has historically been back luck but man whatever this is less about romance itself and more about the revelation that I just kinda. Historically have dated all the wrong people and I carried the shame and the scars they left not knowing that. There is a way to do it that doesn’t hurt me.

For the first time ever I’m looking forward to the future of this thing and the prospect of a relationship doesn’t fill me with existential dread. For the first time ever this is a good thing that’s happening and not just. A result of a bad decision.

And it’s making me realize I am not flawed and all the shame and guilt I take with me everywhere is not mine. When I put all of my previous relationships under a microscope I always felt like they were horrible because I am horrible and this is just not true.

I am just as capable of doing shitty things as anyone else but in a bad situation what else are you supposed to do. I was just trying not to drown.

I have a capacity to love. I just let people take advantage of that.

Idek if that makes sense I’m writing this mostly for future me

[dirtundermyfingernails]

WHOOOP

I made myself

Really small

For someone who doesn’t appreciate my light again

[lycanr0t]

comic about determination and hope

[dirtundermyfingernails]

Coming back here because it’s less embarrassing than going back to therapy. And less expensive.

[dirtundermyfingernails]

I feel like. Becoming an artist where how ppl judge my very personal work influences if i can afford rent wasnt a very. Cash money idea for someone with no stable self concept. Like I will act like I’m the shit but if a drawing does bad on social media I’m killing myself

[lower-case-numbers-blog]

[ciderglassandherbs]

[heavensghost]

I’m sorry I’m the one you love

[hel7l7]

Sorry, I didn't text back. Everything has been a lot lately.

[dirtundermyfingernails]

God. Fuck.

In the last two months I’ve felt rested after I woke up from sleep maybe once. I mean my sleep is weird like that, there’s a lot of days where I sleep 4-5 hours bc I have too much to do but also, as far as my sleep patterns go, I have been sleeping a normal amount much more that I’m used to. But still I feel so tired all the time. And the less I sleep the more derealization and psychotic symptoms sink their claws into me and the more insane I get the less I sleep bc how am I supposed to sleep when I’ve convinced myself I’m gonna die during the night. Everything is getting worse and it’s a self escalating cycle. And I’ve told myself it’s ok it’s just what happens to me sometimes but fuck. It’s not ok. It genuinely hard. I’m playing life on hard mode and I’m struggling with stuff normal ppl don’t even think about and I’m doing that while also trying my hardest to remain functional and defend my diploma. I’m so tired.

[dirtundermyfingernails]

I DEFEATED RELIGIOUS TRAUMA ALREADY

AND NOW I HAVE TO DO IT

A G A I N ?!?!?!?!

CAN’T HAVE

S H I T

IN THIS ECONOMY

[dirtundermyfingernails]

There’s so much violence in my head all I think about is biting someone with my dog teeth until there is nothing left to chew on but bones

[dirtundermyfingernails]

My point is: I’m fine as long as I’m alone. Romantically speaking. Like yeah I get touch starved but I don’t long for any part of the emotional romance. Like you don’t get it. Idk if it’s trauma or I’m aro or I just had a bad run with romance but honestly. I don’t care. My mental wellbeing is a fragile thing and if not being committed to anyone is what keeps it in check I’d say it’s a low price. I don’t feel like Im losing anything.

I love my friends so much I could cry, I’d give up my kidney to save any of them but I just can’t afford romance. Not at this point in my life at least. Not like that.

[a-healthy-dose-of-apathy]

there’s a part of me that wants to be completely and utterly alone. then there’s the other part that desperately clings to anyone i care about. i feel rather pathetic either way.

[catwire]

i am going through the mentals

[craycraybluejay]

the disorderly ones?

[catwire]

you already know it homie

[dirtundermyfingernails]

Turns out I didn’t cure bpd I just avoided close relationships like it’s the plague the last two years and now that the trigger is back I can feel myself going back to the worst version of myself.

I wasn’t built to be loved, it’s like a curse that I put on people.

[dirtundermyfingernails]

Game plan:

Sleep less

Work more

Refuse sustinance

Go absolutely fucking psychotic