Im Lupa. I am over 18. This is… Probably just my dumbass blog filled with tips and cryos that I'll never use. I'll talk about my own writing and also yap about whatever I'm... currently obsessed with.
Hello! I’m Lupa. This is my intro post! Below are my rules and fun facts about me!
My ASKS are currently CLOSED. I am somewhere in the Pacific Ocean.
I’d like to go ahead and first say, welcome aboard!
A little bit about myself:
I am a midshipman at the United States Merchant Marine Academy, currently studying how to drive ships.
I am a creative writer and published author, and I love writing but I don’t really have as much time for it these days.
I go by she/her pronouns.
I do run through obsessions insanely. And I want to write about them.
I REGRET TO INFORM:
My ASKS are currently CLOSED.
Reason? I AM RETURNING TO SEA. (not.. not a joke...)
First, I’ll lay down the rules, and then the Fandom list (with recommendations as to what to ask for).
RULES:
I will ONLY write Reader Insert fanfics, or general/reader insert HCs. No OCs. While I AM willing to write smut, I will not include themes of pedophilia, rape, or racism, or anything of the likes (I will be the one to judge that). Just… don’t go crazy wit it alright?
EXCEPTIONS TO THE READER INSERT ONLY RULE are specific to fandoms (which I will update over time maybe), and my self insert TADC fic. Please don't judge that. I just needed a place to put it where i felt somewhat productive.
Fandom List: (my current obsessions)
TRON: specifically Tron Uprising and Tron Legacy. I’m familiar with most of the characters, but am best with Tron himself, Clu, and Beck. I have a lot of personal theories about Tron
The Amazing Digital Circus!: my most recent obsession. While I trust my skills with pretty much all of the characters enough to write HCs, if you want a genuine fanfic, I’d go with Caine, Jax, or Kinger, because I obsess over them the most.
POKEMON: god please pick a character I’ve heard of there’s so many. Remember my rules for this one. But if I’ve heard of them I can probably do it, since pokemon characters are usually pretty standard. Hey, if you just want to have a peaceful day hanging out with Ash, I am happy to give that to you tbh
The Wild Kratts: despite growing up with them, they seem to have barely any fandom. I like them tho. Obviously best with Chris and Martin. Would be super pleased to get an ask about this
STAR WARS: THE CLONE WARS: I specify the Clone Wars bc it’s my Star Wars major. I know most of the clones. I know most of the Jedi. My one exception to my own rules is I will write Codywan (and Foxiyo) bc I like it. I will also write Bad Batch, but NOT post Order 66, just to put a cap on things.
Feel free to ask things! About me, my life/work, and about my writing! I just ask that you put it in my inbox and not direct message me.
thank you and welcome aboard!
The God of the Artificial: a TADC self insert fanfic
Be warned. This is blatant self-indulgence. This is why my blog is titled "disaster obsessions." I'm just making it exist so it doesn't drive me crazy. Enjoy, if you want!
I wrote this having JUST watched episode 7.
MAJOR EP. 7 SPOILERS!!!!
PART TWELVE: Wolf in Sheep's Clothing
...
...
"You mean... there's... a real way out?" Lupa asked, her ears falling flat.
"Well... according to Abel, yeah..." Pomni said, rubbing her arm nervously. Everyone else stood around nearby, aside from Kinger.
"We know you... wanted to be here, so we weren't sure if we should tell you at first, but... we finally decided it was best if you knew... since, you're human too and all," Ragatha added, watching Lupa turn away from them.
They watched her visibly think about it, her ears twitching and her tail swishing slowly. She tapped her foot, gritted her teeth, and whispered softly to herself, inaudible to the others.
Finally, she turned back around, a resolve in her eyes like reluctance and loyalty alike.
"I will help you," she sighed, sounding more exhausted than she ever had before. "I... you need to distract Caine, you said?"
"Yes."
"I... I can handle that." Lupa didn't meet their eyes. Her ears flattened, and she began walking away, seeming... defeated.
"I hope... she doesn't hate us for this," Ragatha said sadly.
"What choice do we have?" Zooble countered with a shrug. "Come on... let's get to work."
Lupa looked at her hands, and then again at the mirror in front of her. This is what she'd always wanted... right? Adventure, friends, consistency with a dash of excitement day to day. Why did she suddenly feel foreign in this body? Why did her breathing feel so shallow and her mind feel so... foggy.
She wasn't sure who or what to believe. Would Caine actually make an adventure like this, like Jax said? That would be beyond cruel. But... Caine doesn't have human morality, and he had the capability.
What if this... Abel... what if he was telling the truth, and a real person all this time? What if there was a way out? All of the others, they wanted to leave, they never wanted to stay here. Surely, it was her duty to them to at least try, to try to help them, even if it was real. If it wasn't real, Caine would've told her about this adventure, right? He was looking for her input, she had shown interest in his character.
But something kept eating at her, about all of this.
Maybe. No.
Underneath it all, was it really pods in a basement?
Remember, there have been countless players trapped here.
Don't you think its a little strange, all this right now?
Everyone has been so high strung recently, even Caine.
Regrets hung heavy in the air ever since the shooting game.
The words were on her tongue, and she could taste them, but could not remember them.
Alright. Time to... time to help them. Help them leave.
"Alright, Lupa," Abel said, presenting the cube to her. "You're the last one."
Lupa raised a brow. "How will you get there?"
"I... won't. But I trust that you all will make the right decision."
Lupa immediately looked around at... the Amazing Digital Circus. Escapism at its finest. Her nexus. And for them, she would just... leave it all behind.
"Caine can't leave."
"No."
"He... he wants to, doesn't he? That's the point that no one cares about. He... he wants to be human, doesn't he?"
"I suspect so."
"And when we leave, he'll be left here, all alone with no company."
"...Yes."
"You go ahead," Lupa said, stepping aside to present the cube to Abel. "If this is all just an adventure, if it's not... I think the consequences will be the same."
"I--are you sure?"
Lupa smiled and shrugged. "I'm not a prophet. Just a believer. Go."
Abel joined the leaving crew.
"WOWEE what a multi-layered adventure!" Caine praised himself. "I'm sure you didn't expect that twist did you?"
Abel and Lupa floated next to him passively. Lupa appeared shocked, and tried to struggle as if bound.
"Great job playing your part, Abel," Caine cheerfully praised his NPC. Lupa looked at them in horror, then down at the others, who looked up at her and at Abel and Caine in horror.
"All in a good day's work," Abel replied, "Hey, by the way, you think I could get a raise after that performance?"
"Ohh, you're getting to smart, time to delete!"
Caine snapped Abel right out of existence, revealing he... really had been nothing but a game piece all along.
Lupa paid no attention to what Ragatha said, her mind reeling in her own delusion. But she was drawn back to... to reality... when Jax began laughing hysterically.
"You dirty liar! You scumbag! You--you made me, tsh, you got in my head, you just--you just lie about everything, don't you?!"
"I, uh... huh?"
"You can mess with our minds, too, can't you? The stupid sauce, the vegan thing--god knows what else!"
"...Our names," Pomni mused out loud.
Lupa watched as Caine began to panic. He began to frantically try to explain himself... but he was beyond help.
"Scratch. The first abstraction," Kinger said, clear as day.
In Caine's panic, he glanced at Lupa as he struggled for words. Lupa was too stunned to say anything.
"He was a shepherd," Lupa whispered. "Killed by his jealous brother. The very first... murder."
"Have a good night!" Caine panicked, disappearing and causing Lupa to fall to the ground beside the others.
Lupa looked into that white void and knew, with a knife in her heart, she would not find what she was looking for here in the Amazing Digital Circus. She was trapped her, like all of them, permanently in a world that wasn't what she thought it was.
And Jax would do anything to remain here, even if it meant trapping everyone else with him.
The God of the Artificial: a TADC self insert fanfic
Be warned. This is blatant self-indulgence. This is why my blog is titled "disaster obsessions." I'm just making it exist so it doesn't drive me crazy. Enjoy, if you want!
PART ELEVEN: The Showman
...
...
Lupa was paranoid about being grounded.. or, rather, not being grounded. There were times before the circus where she was so immersed, she would forget reality. And that became an addiction. Escapism became a well-sought, rare commodity, one for the imaginative. That addiction carried her to extreme measures... nothing illegal, due to her circumstances, and nothing that could prevent her from commissioning... but nothing healthy either. The worst it got was the pursuit of dreams.
And then she stumbled upon the Amazing Digital Circus. But how did she know? How did she know she'd be stuck here? How did she know how to exist here, how to see this place...?
Why, why couldn't she remember? Everything would be better if she could remember how she got in.
Unfortunately.. she didn't need to remember why she got in. She knew. Ever choice she ever made came down to the same thing. That hadn't changed, and likely wouldn't.
Lupa finally walked out into the hall and immediately met eyes with Pomni.
"Oh, uh.. heyy Lupa. I was just coming to check on you? I saw you were with Kinger during the blackout, and... I don't know.. his conversations can be.." she tried to explain without explaining, but Lupa already knew what she was really asking. Lupa smiled softly, looking down the hallway where she saw Kinger and Ragatha.
"It was good. A little confusing. But.. good."
Pomni hummed in reply, wringing her hands and glancing away as if she wanted to add something, only for Lupa to huff softly with amusement and shake her head at her.
“Pomni,” she whispered, catching the jester’s attention, “I know about him.”
Pomni was suddenly caught up in how surreal speaking to Lupa could be. In an instant, it was as if Lupa were a stranger from a dream again, one she could barely understand, and much less perceive for what she was. Pomni struggled to believe that Lupa was once human, aside from her keen understanding of human emotions, unlike Caine. She couldn’t be an AI, could she? The AI in the Digital Circus didn’t understand emotions… and she wasn’t entirely sure they could actually feel them or if they were simply good at replicating them. But Lupa… there was such intensity and depth in her eyes, that, despite not looking human, despite barely seeming human some days, Pomni was overwhelmed with the conclusion that out of everyone there, Lupa was the most human of them all.
Only something truly endowed with the indomitable spirit of humanity could be so broken and remain whole.
“I heard what he said to you, when you were trapped in hell,” Lupa said to her quietly as she had this realization. “I was there when he spoke to Ragatha in the dark.”
Pomni just stared up at her, eyes wide. Lupa stared back, mostly unsure what Pomni was thinking, beyond considering that Pomni had forgotten about Lupa’s passive awareness.
“So… you know about his wife.”
“Yeah.”
Lupa turned, gesturing vaguely to the end of the hall, and Pomni took the queue, following. The two of them began walking away, toward the exist of the hall of rooms and out into the main space.
“I don’t get Kinger,” Pomni said, her brow furrowing with thought. “I mean, he’s so crazy, and then he’s also super wise! I wonder… why. He wasn’t always crazy.”
Lupa sighed and Pomni glanced up at her.
“Losing someone you love can do crazy things to the mind,” she said, almost passively as if not actually answering Pomni. “I don’t know if that’s why he’s crazy.. but that’s definitely a contributing factor.”
Pomni looked away, only to see Jax in the distance, walking by himself.
“Do you think… Jax lost someone he loved? Is that why he’s so…”
“Such a jerk?”
“Y-yeah.”
“Yeah. Jax isn’t hard to read, despite his efforts. I’ll give him credit for his act but I’ve seen it before. He’s scared, Pomni. That’s all it is.” Pomni stared away at Jax, hearing Lupa’s every comment about him, taking it like gospel. “He's scared of pain.”
“Is it possible.. I mean, not that I… can I help?”
Lupa shrugged. “That’s up to him. You can’t force him to face his fear.”
Pomni looked down at her feet, and then her hands, and then up at Lupa, who glanced down at her.
“I know it’s going to be hard to believe but.. I really liked being his friend, even if it was only for a few hours.”
“He has the capacity to be the perfect ride or die type friend. He once was one. It’s no surprise.”
“HEY LOSERS,” Jax shouted from the end of the hall, breaking the conversational trance Lupa and Pomni had fallen into. “You guys coming or what? I need something funny to look at to distract me from this nightmare show.”
Pomni sighed, but Lupa quietly began smirking, lowering her voice.
“First to tackle him wins,” she growled with a chuckle, challenging Pomni, who, after a moment of thought, decided, well f*#% it, why not?
So the two of them bolted the rest of the way down the hall.
…
“Who is the committee?” Lupa asked.
Ragatha sighed and shrugged. “No idea. Not entirely sure Caine knows either.”
“Do we get a vote?”
“Does it look like we live in a democracy?” Jax laughed, rolling his eyes. “We live in a dictatorial monarchy and he—” he pointed dramatically to Caine, who wasn’t paying any attention to them “—is the king.”
“I thought I was the king,” Kinger said.
“Kinger, you might have king in your name but you’re a court jester at best,” Jax replied. He then looked at Pomni and said, “Oh, wait.”
“Alright, my troubled tribbles, it’s time for the show!” Caine interrupted, swooping over and adjusting his bow tie. “Be ready to be amazed!”
The stage was set. Caine had generated a decent crowd. The characters all filtered in and took their seats. Zooble, in particular, was angry due to lack of stupid sauce this time.
Pomni, Ragatha and Kinger sat together near the front. Gangle sat next to Zooble a few rows behind them. Jax hid in the back again. And Lupa took up a spot near the back, but not as far as Jax.
Caine, the showman that he was, spent most of the awards show yapping about how great he was for making adventures and keeping everyone busy and entertained. The main characters rolled their eyes and the NPCs cheered. Disappointing really but unsurprising.
Caine then prattled off a list of the awards that would be given out, with the Favorite Character award being last again, for the drama and "sex appeal" as Bubble said. The titles of these awards (which, there were way too many of them) included:
Best at Juggling Award, Trapeze Award, Silly Goose Award, Most Likely to Die Horribly Award, Least Ugly Character Award, The Schemer Award, Most Rendezvous Conducted Award, both Least and Most Traumatized Awards, Worst Potty Mouth Award (again), Major Isolationist Award, Enthusiasm Award, and Favoritism Award. There were more.
Lupa had started off feeling rather good about the events, but as time progressed, more awards were given out, and Caine seemed more and more excited, a sense of dread rose in her stomach, as if she were watching a hellish storm front on the western horizon. She couldn't pinpoint the cause exactly... typical anxiety.
"Aaaaand now, ladies and gentlemen, what you've all been waiting for!" Caine began, spinning around in the air and pulling an envelope from his suit jacket. Clearing his throat, he gently tore it open. "Aaand, the winner of the second Favorite Character Awards is--"
And Lupa could see it, there in that instant. Subtle, no one else might ever notice. But it was there, and his ever so slight hesitation confirmed it for her.
Disappointment.
"... Disappearing Guy."
But Caine's fanfare instantly returned, and he announced it again to the crowd, this time with a corrected, more cheerful tone.
"It's Disappearing Guy everyone!"
Disappearing Guy made his way onto the stage, where he took up a mic to give his winning speech.
"Thank--"
After a moment of silence from the crowd, Caine cheerfully concluded the awards show, and everyone began to leave. Jax was first out the door, followed by Zooble and Gangle. Pomni, Ragatha, and Kinger eventually filtered out. For a moment, all who remained where Caine and Lupa, some great distace from each other, so great in fact that from where she stood on the red-carpeted slope and where he floated above the stage... they were eye to eye.
"Go on, Lupa! Enjoy the rest of the night off with the others! I'm sure I'll have an exciting adventure planned for you all tomorrow morning," he said to her, his tone unusually flat.
For a moment, Lupa did not move or speak, entirely focused on him with all of her observation skills and intuition.
But she sensed that now was not the moment... and nodded, turning away and leaving Caine alone above the stage.
Lupa didnt't actually leave, but instead retreated just outside the theater doors, in a velvet hotel like hall where she leaned against a wall, listening and allowing her awareness of the circus to take point.
The Digital Circus was sick. Lupa knew that and had assumed it was merely lingering effects from the virus that had intruded. But the other characters had been here longer, they knew things better, they knew something was wrong but couldn't place it. Overreliance on Caine to fix everything made them unlikely to investigate personally. It wasn't like the ink and oil that had seeped into the crevices of the circus like when she sensed the virus. The Circus was sick from open wounds, deep gashes that only seemed to widen, never heal. Such gashes could easily let in another horrid infection. But, what caused them? And what could fix them?
The entirely circus, both in her awareness and in her surroundings glitched momentarily. The gashes remained unaffected. Lupa refocused elsewhere, ignoring that big picture for a moment.
Caine wasn't well. Now was the moment.
A lot of the time, it was schemes that brought her to the conclusions she drew and actions she committed. But, all of the most important things she ever did were products of instinct beyond her control. This one in particular was very strong. Compassion. She could easily shut it down, but hour to hour, that held her by a tight leash, and made a lot of unusual demands.
Why did she care? Why did she turn back around and enter the theater? Why was she pulled back to Caine? Why did she walk down the slope and climb the stage in search of him?
Why did she hear faint crying from behind the curtains?
Slowly, Lupa drew back the heavy curtain to stare, wide-eyed, down at a pitiful sight: Caine, curled up on his knees, surrounded by ballots. Silently, Lupa kneeled down and picked one up to inspect it. Everyone was there. Ragatha, Kinger, Jax, Pomni, Gangle, herself, even Zooble was there is time... and then, there was Caine.
Not a single vote to his name.
Lupa, feeling sorrow well in her chest, quickly glanced around at all the other ballots scattered around Caine's curled up, subtly shaking form... none of them had any votes for him. Not a single one.
When Lupa heard him softly choke back a sob, she looked up, scanning him and setting the ballot back down. She began reaching out, only to hesitate for a moment, questioning whether or not her actions would be appreciated by the ringmaster.. he was the ringmaster after all.
But instincts never lied to her, and were never wrong.
Her fingers barely brushed the fabric of his jacket, but he jumped away as if she were a threat. Stuttering and wiping tears away, he his his face for a moment before seeming... spectacularly normal.
"Ah, Lupa! You scared me! I thought you had gone to enjoy a fine evening with the others!"
Lupa's face straightened as she drew conclusions and planned how to address them.
"Caine... are you ok?"
Caine spun in the air and replied, "Why, of course, I am the ringmaster of the Amazing Digital Circus, you know!"
Lupa waited for the silence to feel heavy before saying, "Don't lie to my face like that, Caine." Caine stopped abruptly and stared down at her in analyzing disbelief. In his silence and hesitation, Lupa rose to her feet and stepped toward him. Something clicked in his expression, both like the tension of a rubber band suddenly snapping, and like the fearful gaze of a cornered dog that realized he wasn't being threatened. Caine's gaze softened, and he slowly drifted back to the ground, his legs folding under him and his fists resting on the stage floor just in front of his knees. He lowered his gaze, and refused to look up at Lupa. Lupa stared at him with wide-eyed surprised, hesitant and nervous, her ears shifted to reflect that.
Caine shook his head and his fists tightened, caused Lupa to start taking a step back, but hesitating before she completed the action. She bottled up a controlling sigh, so that Caine would not hear her hesitation. But, decisiveness was a life saver. Experience and action had molded her into someone who didn't overthink as much. A lot of the time, a decision in the moment, made with commitment, is better than waiting for the right decision to come to you. That delay can kill under the wrong circumstances. Sometimes neither choice is right. Sometimes you have to choose the thing you can forgive yourself for. Sometimes you have to choose the thing that will save your ship, sacrificing a few for the many. Sometimes you have to choose the thing that tears you apart. Sometimes you have to choose the thing that hurts your friends. Sometimes you have to choose the thing fills you with anxiety. Sometimes you have to choose the thing that determines the fate of others.
But you must always, always, listen to your intuition. Must always do what your gut tells you is right. Sometimes, all of your options downright suck. Sometimes you walk away from your actions sick to your stomach, knowing what you did was right even though it hurt.
But in this instant... in the midst of Lupa's hesitation, she knew she had to make a choice. An age-old choice, thousands of others had made long before her.
Stay... or go.
Lupa shut her eyes, shook her head, and silently sighed to herself again, the tension leaving her body. She had already made that choice, several paragraphs ago, hadn't she? What point was there in changing her mind.
Lupa stepped toward Caine... and dropped to her knees in front of him, mirroring the way he sat, starting to shake.
Caine seemed to notice her, and he quietly.. in a soft, saddened tone Lupa had never heard before... began to speak.
"I... no one voted for me. Again," he said, his voice shaking. For a split second, he glanced up at her, and she noted the tears welling under his eyes, but he quickly averted his gaze, as if he were ashamed to be seen like this. "I don't.. I just... why don't people like me? Am I that bad at making adventures for them and taking care of them? Am I... bad at what I do?"
The wolfish character thought for a moment as to what to say or do.
Lupa then, having settled, shuffled forward and hugged him. Not a superficial, hallmark hug, but a real, deep hug, clutching at his jacket, burying her face in his shoulder, holding onto him as tight as she could without digging her claws in. Caine immediately tense, not understanding. Then, she whispered, "It will be ok... You will be ok." Caine slowly... relaxed... realizing, piecing together that Lupa... actually cared. She wasn't lying like Ragatha or deflecting like Pomni.
"Do you... really believe that?" he asked in reply, voice warped with uncertainty and disbelief.
"I don't need to believe it," Lupa replied, still speaking in a soft whisper. She pulled back to face him and look him in the eyes. "I know it."
Caine fully relaxed, searching her eyes and then looking her over, as if trying to find evidence that she didn't really mean it, while simultaneously trying to figure out whether or not he believed her. But, something was different about this, no one had ever... talked to him like this, not in recent memory at least. No one had ever... pulled him in like that, been that close, been so... real. She.. she just seemed so... alive, foreign, unknown. For such a thing as that to make an attempt to comfort him. He.. couldn't hesitate any longer.
But then, she turned away from him. He froze, thinking he had done something wrong. But, she turned back around, holding one of the ballots. In her other hand, a tiny blue star.
"There," she said, sticking it under his name. "That's more like it."
And he rushed forward to hug her back. This time, Lupa tensed, feeling as Caine suddenly held her with an intensity and passion she had never expected from him. After taking a moment to recollect, understanding how overwhelmed he must be, she rested her head on his shoulder.. put the ballot down... and wrapped her arms around him, hugging him back.
They remained like that for awhile, unmoving, not wanting to disturb whatever spell had come over them. Lupa was the first to speak, but she did not move.
"Your adventures are good, you know. I've enjoyed them. I just think maybe you aren't getting the right genre for your audience, or maybe there isn't enough complexity to satisfy all parties, or maybe a different system can be thought up, I--"
Caine pulled back, holding her by the shoulders but looking at her sternly. Lupa looked back at him, worried she'd said something wrong.
"You're saying.. my adventures are good. I'm good at making adventures."
"...Yes."
"I just need to... make some clerical adjustments..?"
"I... think... so."
Caine glanced away, humming in thought.
"I can help you," Lupa offered.
Caine looked back at her.
"You can? How?"
"Well.. seems to me like you're having trouble understanding... well, the others, and me to a degree. And understanding how get them to like your adventures. You can't change them, but you can adjust your methods... if you can or want to."
"I do want to! I'll do anything so they like my adventures, and me! Well. Almost anything. You get what I mean."
Lupa chuckled softly, smiling at him.
"Well.. then, yes. I can help you."
"You.. you'd really do that.. for me?"
Lupa recalled Kinger's words to her in that moment. Just keep an open mind about everyone, and connect where you can with who you can. Who knows who you'll get close to here! Lupa looked at Caine, noticed him observing her, trying to decipher her, and eventually settle on just looking at her, curiously awaiting her reply. My point is... you might find friendship in the most unlikely of places. Give it time.. and don't be afraid of taking risks here and there.
"Yes," Lupa confirmed, nodding, having found conviction.
Caine let go of her and immediately spun up into the air, his arms wide and he joyfully exclaimed, "Wonderful! You and I will make quite the team, Lupa! I'm looking forward to working with you and seeing how your influence affects me and my adventures!"
Lupa rose to her feet and chuckled at him, but right as she went to speak in reply, he got very close to her, the slowly... reached up... and seemed as if he were going to rest his hand against her face, but eh quickly pulled back as if the thought never crossed his mind.
"Now, give me a smile, my dear!"
Lupa chuckled at him again. "I already am smiling!"
"No, no no," Caine said, shaking his head at her and wagging a finger. "Give me your real smile!"
Lupa thought about it, along the lines of oh what the heck, then sighed, shook her head, and looked back at him, grinning with her full smile, revealing the sharp teeth she kept hidden.
"Aha! There she is! There is my dear Lupa!" He took her arm in his and spun them around, causing her to laugh, since he seemed so joyful and excited. "I can't wait to see what happens next, Lupa! We will certainly make quite the team!"
"Haha, we certainly will!"
"Now! Let's get back to usual, shall we? It's been a long day, and you should get some rest for tomorrow! Things will be right as rain from here on out!"
And while Lupa knew that wasn't true, as it never was in any world, she couldn't help but laugh and agree, for she had never felt this light and at home.
Maybe... maybe a friendship could come of this. Who knows?
if you take AU requests could you do something with freakshow Caine x reader?
ngl I'm not big into the AUs and have never heard of that one. I could try if you have more information on it, but for now up front, I'm going to tentatively say no. I may research some on the side tho
The God of the Artificial: a TADC self insert fanfic
Be warned. This is blatant self-indulgence. This is why my blog is titled "disaster obsessions." I'm just making it exist so it doesn't drive me crazy. Enjoy, if you want!
PART TEN: Symbolism
...
...
"The new and improved character awards are almost upon us! And I hope to see you all there very shortly!" And as soon as Caine was there, he was gone again.
The crew looked around at each other in silence. Then, Lupa smiled and shrugged.
"Just another day in paradise, huh?"
"God your optimism is sickening," Jax said with an eye roll, finishing off his drink and hopping up. "Well, I'll catch you losers later."
As Jax walked off, Lupa looked to Ragatha.
"Heyyy, sooo... I wasn't there last time this happened, and uh... how fancy is it. Is there a dress code?"
Ragatha laughed and fanned a hand at her.
"Oh, no, we just go as we are."
Lupa hummed, but seemed droopy.
"Oh.. I was almost hoping we would be a little dressed up."
"Really?" Zooble asked, putting away the alcohol where they had gotten it. "I didn't take your for the... girly type, no offense."
Lupa smiled and shook her head. "No, that's an accurate assessment. I grew up a tomboy, only started doing girly stuff like makeup uhhh couple years ago? A year--whatever, it was recent. But I like it. However, my other definition of 'dressing up' is uh putting on the fancy uniform of the season." She made dreamy eyes and squished her face. "Ahhhh it sure is a shame I look evil in uniform."
"You.. do?" Pomni asked with a raised brow.
"Guys!" Jax appeared in the entrance of the breakroom. "I'm bored!"
"Ugh, make up your mind!" Zooble said to him, watching him walk back in and sit down where he had been. Jax let out an exaggerated sigh, flopping onto the bar counter, his ears drooping before his face.
"Oh! Shiiinyy," Kinger suddenly interrupted, causing everyone to glance over at him. His eyes were finally open, and he looked at Lupa. She hummed and tilted her head at him, trying to follow his gaze, until she noticed her dog tags were catching the light.
"Oh, these?" she said, looking down and lifting them up. "Here." She ducked her head and removed them from around her neck, gingerly tossing them over to Kinger. "They're shinier up close," she chuckled.
Jax, Pomni, Ragatha, Gangle, and Zooble all froze. They refrained from looking at each other because they didn't know they had each seen the dog tags in Lupa's room.
"Hm!" Kinger said, inspecting them.
"Uh-uh um, Kinger?" Ragatha began, not hiding her anxiety well in the slightest. "They don't happen to... say anything, um... I don't know... different?"
Jax immediately turned to her, his eyes a pair of thin daggers, his hands slowly closing into fists. Sensing his threatening gaze, Ragatha looked at him and jumped, awkwardly looking away.
"Hm? Oh," Kinger said, clearing his throat. "Let's see. They say, Lupa, her name. A sequence of numbers, um, 110242027. And then there's some glitched text of some kind... and the other tag says, Here lies the spirit of the compass, mirror, and tether." Kinger hummed again and tossed them back to Lupa, who caught them with ease.
"I have no idea what any of that means," Lupa admitted, hanging them back around her neck. "The glitched text is where religion is supposed to be. I didn't have dog tags before the Circus, but if I had, I would've claimed Jedi as my religion so I could have that on my tags."
(Yes, that is a real thing you can do.)
"Well, we should get ready for the event, right?" she asked everyone, putting her hands on her hips.
"Should we dress up for it?" Gangle asked. "I mean... it could be fun.." She tapped her ribbons together with a shy smile.
"I'll dress up with you, Gangle!" Lupa said. "I'll put on my nice uniform. Or, err... guys, pick a color, white or black."
"Well, my favorite color is black," Kinger said, looking up and then at her, "So you should wear whatever you're most comfortable in."
Lupa's ears flattened as she awkwardly laughed. "Uh, well... both uniforms would be comfortable, given everything fits perfectly in the digital world. Uh, I'll do white, for contrast."
They all began heading back to their rooms to either "get ready" or bide the time before the event. Ragatha adamantly avoided Jax, and Jax stared at Ragatha with cold, still fury.
"What's up with him?" Lupa asked her, walking beside her and Pomni.
"Oh! Uh.. nothing, he's probably just mad at some comment I made... like usual!"
"I feel like Jax has been more angry recently," Pomni agreed, glancing over at him momentarily.
Lupa sighed and shook her head with a smile and shrug. "He's got a lot of internal conflict."
"Yeah, no kidding," Pomni grumbled.
"I wouldn't worry about it. Everyone here is struggling with something. He'll eventually come to the conclusion that life is better when you're not alone. I hope."
Pomni glanced up at Lupa, trying to read her. Her expression was some mix of sadness and worry, but in a very thoughtful, calculated way that made Pomni feel both concerned and like she was in good hands. She looked away from Lupa, conflicted.
"Can I... ask you something?" Pomni began, hesitantly. Lupa quirked a brow at her.
"Uh, sure, what's up?"
"Do you think it's possible to.. I don't know.. fix him?"
Lupa huffed with a smile. "No. I don't think I, or anyone else, can fix anyone. Let alone him." Lupa looked at Pomni, maintaining her smile but fine tuning the look in her eyes in just such a way that it felt like being targeted with a laser. "People can only fix themselves." Lupa's gaze moved to Ragatha. "You can be there for people. But making active effort to change someone who doesn't want your help will only hurt you." Lupa then sighed and faced forward as if she were not just staring them in the soul. "But that's just my experience. Some lessons have to be learned the hard way. Or," she side-eyed them, using the soul-stare again, "you can learn from other people's mistakes."
Ragatha and Pomni couldn't help but slow down to think about what she said, understanding completely that she wasn't giving advice. She was warning them.
Lupa kept walking, unbothered that they had left her side.
"I like Lupa, but... she freaks me out a little bit," Pomni said. Ragatha agreed with a nod.
"Maybe.. we should listen to her, you know? She seems to know what she's talking about. She says she knows from experience."
"It's possible.. but how do we know? We've known her essentially a week," Pomni replied, with a meek shrug.
"Well, maybe we should try to get to know her better," Ragatha said, a smile coming to her.
Pomni and Ragatha continued walking, thought slowly.
"The Circus has been different ever since she showed up," Pomni mused, staring down at the floor. "Do you think she caused it?"
"Well, I feel like that's a stretch. Wouldn't Caine have noticed? Or... maybe he did but couldn't explain it, and that's why he didn't like her at first?"
They paused in talking to think about it, watching her ahead of them.
"She seems totally fine. I don't get it! This place has been an existential crisis from the start for me."
Lupa suddenly turned around, and Pomni and Ragatha jumped, thinking she heard them.
"You guys comin'?" Lupa asked, smiling at them, her ears giving a twitch, one of them settling to focus... somewhere. Pomni and Ragatha caught up to her.
"So, Lupa," Ragatha began, "Pomni and I have decided it's time we get to know you better."
"Well, I'm an open book," Lupa replied with a chuckle. "And, to my immediate knowledge, I don't have anything to hide."
"How did you wind up in the Circus anyway?" Jax interrupted, appearing out of nowhere. Ragatha was about to snap at him, but Lupa quietly held a hand up to her, in military fashion as Lupa immediately took control of the situation. Ragatha and Pomni glanced at each other, then Jax.
"No one remembers how they got here other than putting the headset on," Lupa reminded. "But... I do have vague recollection of a few other things that don't make a lot of sense to me. I arrived here with this heavy feeling of getting what I wanted at the price of never going back, so I feel like I knew what I was getting into. And I've said before that I want this. But, how could I have wanted it if it was merely a discovery made of curiosity, me slipping a headset on not knowing anything? I know myself well enough to know it wasn't a rash choice. I thought about it, and prepared for it, somehow. I must have. But... how, and why... and what I did, I don't remember."
They all stared at her like that was the worst answer she could've given them, which it probably was. Jax even lost his smile.
"I-I've made a lot of heavy choices like that," Lupa added, as if that would help. "What was one more."
Feeling out of place, being stared at and not spoken to, Lupa sensed the rise in tension, the rise in dislike, and shifted away, her ears tipping back with the emotion she was trying to hide. She glanced between Ragatha, Pomni, and Jax, just one last check to see if she were misinterpreting something... but when she felt she wasn't, she turned away. Lupa quickly disappeared into her room, leaving the three of them in the hallway.
"S#!t," Pomni said, snapping to.
"Well... didn't expect that," Jax said with a shrug, his smile returning. "Just add it to the list, I guess." He sauntered off with his hands in his pockets.
"Do you think she's going to hate us now?" Ragatha asked Pomni, worry written all over her face. "Since we reacted so poorly?"
"I.. it's possible, but I don't think so," Pomni replied, forcing a reassuring smile. "Lupa's been very understanding of everyone so far."
Behind closed doors, Lupa paced, her ears flattened back as she overthought considerably. She wondered, thoughts passing through her rapidly, if she had done something wrong. If they would hate her for what she said. Why would they, they couldn't remember either, what made her different? What made her different, she was wildly different, built from different fabric entirely, unlike them in every conceivable way. Oh, but that's her talent, didn't she remember, her thing, she could relate to everyone, she could be anyone's friend, but how long would it take them to figure out how hard she tried? How many years of friendship would pass before they inevitably called her to tell her they've hated her for over a year, how long would they wait, building contempt, until they finally told her everything she had done wrong. Why don't they warn her in the meantime? Why make bonds with people when she'll only lose them, one way or another. Why fight that hard to hold onto people slipping away? Why was she different? Why couldn't she bond with them? Pomni hated her because she liked the concept of the circus, Ragatha hated her because she thought she was worse at being supportive, Jax hated her because she saw through him. Gangle wouldn't remember her if she disappeared, Kinger wouldn't remember her if someone asked him about her right now, and Zooble only liked her because she distracted Caine. Caine... he never liked her. He hated her from the moment she appeared in the circus. Maybe it would've been best to remain in the loser corner.
Some amazing Digital Circus, huh.
Lupa felt fuzzy in the head, and paused in her pacing to look at herself in the mirror, only to see one of her eyes was a multicolored mark of abstraction. She blinked rapidly, reached up to rub her eyes, and shook her head, gritting her teeth. No, she was fine. Whatever was wrong, she could just talk to them and figure it out if it bothered her that much. She blinked and looked up at herself again, and she appeared normal as could be. She heaved a sigh and glanced around at the things in her room, feeling empty and meaningless.
That's when she heard a knock on her door.
"Come in," she called, and turned to see the door open and reveal... "Kinger?"
"Oh! Lupa.. I noticed you seemed upset, so I came to check on you."
"Oh, I, uh.. you noticed that?"
"I noticed what? Oh, you were upset, right."
The two of them jumped as the entire room started to glitch, and the world went pitch black around them.
"Uhhh, Kinger..?"
"Hmm... Caine is probably up to something. I wouldn't worry about it."
Light slowly began to filter into the room from the window. Lupa and Kinger turned to it, looking at the artificial view... and forgetting for a moment that the beauty was digital. A night sky like that, who cared if it wasn't... real.
"Oh! Caine gave you a window..." Kinger commented softly, his eyes wide with awe as he looked 'outside.'
"Oh, yeah... I asked for it," Lupa replied. "I missed having natural light."
Kinger looked from the window to her, but she didn't notice, her longing gaze locked on the starry sky.
"I think you miss a lot more than you thought you would," Kinger said softly, drawing her attention back to him. "What is really bothering you, Lupa? I think.. maybe talking about it might be good for you."
Lupa visibly considered his words, her eyes flicking over the ground as she thought, her body tense. She hummed, reluctant to speak.
"It's ok if you don't want to."
"It's... not that..." Lupa began softly, sighing again and refusing to meet Kinger's eyes even when he turned fully to face her. "It's just... there's a lot on my mind.. no one thing."
"Well.. what's the worst thing?"
Lupa looked at him, troubled in a suspicious, almost angry way. She looked him up and down, then shook her head and rolled her eyes at herself, muttering under her breath as she sank down onto the ground, sitting with folded legs.
"I thought things would be different here," Lupa finally admitted. "I've always been delusional. Countless times, I've made choices with irreversible consequences, and I always end up torn between regret and fulfillment. Half the time... it feels almost the same. A past version of myself would see a present version and thing, I can't believe I made it! While the present version would see her past self and think... I wish I was you."
Kinger sat down in front of her, attentive.
"I thought that this place would break the cycle, that all I had ever been looking for, I would find it here."
"Well.. what were you looking for?"
Lupa looked at him, and than away, as if ashamed.
"I was looking for adventure. And to have the bestest friends in the whole wide world." She sighed, biting down on the inside of her cheek. "I wanted a life of adventure... but I wanted it with friends. Before the Circus, everything I did was in pursuit of that. But I was only ever able to get one or the other. I had best friends... but those friendships didn't survive the adventure. And once I had the adventure, I never found friends that close again. I hoped... I thought that here, I could... finally have that."
"Well... certainly you have the adventure, I mean, Caine ensures that," Kinger said with a small chuckle. "And, you have friends here. Take Ragatha, she seems to like you!"
"That's not--" Lupa stopped, scoffing with bared teeth momentarily, not at Kinger, but moreso inwardly. "I can't seem to bond with the other characters. It's like it's always bee, I can get along with everyone, but I don't really fit in. And everything I say seems to set me apart even more. I feel like I'm only tearing things apart, making things worse... like everything about me is just...."
Lupa slouched with defeat, her ears flattening and her face scrunching as she tried to bite back tears.
"Hey," Kinger whispered, his handd softly resting on her shoulder, causing her to flinch for a second until she relaxed. "It'll be ok. Everyone takes time to adjust. It's normal. And you've been doing very well so far. Pomni arrived just a little while before you, and you seem much more at home in comparison. It's ok to feel overwhelmed or uncertain at times. What matters is that you hold on to what makes you.. you."
Lupa chuckled softly. "I've never been very good at that."
"Well, how's about this," Kinger redirected, thinking for a moment with a hum before continuing. Lupa looked up at him doubtfully. "Since you feel like you're having trouble making friends... just keep an open mind about everyone, and connect where you can with who you can. Who knows who you'll get close to here! Maybe you'll end uo friends with Jax!" Lupa laughed at that, shaking her head. "My point is... you might find friendship in the most unlikely of places. Give it time.. and don't be afraid of taking risks here and there."
Lupa smiled at Kinger, a soft, kind smile that made him feel happy that she seemed a little better. Then, her face shifted, becoming slightly more serious as one of her ears rotated to face the door. Kinger glanced at the door, wide-eyed.
The room and window glitched, then the lights turned back on and everything settled.
"Huh... I wonder what that was about.." Lupa pondered, looking around the now-lit room, as did Kinger.
"Wonder what what was about?" he asked, blinking at her.
Lupa's eyes went wide and her ears flattened before she remembered and sighed with quiet sorrow.
"Thanks, Kinger," she said to him, smiling sadly. "I hate to see you go."
"Oh! You're welcome. For... what? Where am I going exactly?"
Lupa's smile faded for a moment, but she shook her head, regained it, and chuckled softly, rising to her feet.
"C'mon, Kinger," she said, holding a hand out to him to help him up. "Let's go see how everyone else faired in the dark."
Kinger took her hand and got up. "You aren't still upset, are you?"
Lupa glanced at him, wide-eyed. "No... I think I'll be ok."
"Remember Lupa," Kinger suddenly said seriously, grabbing her shoulders and turning her to face him, his expression bordering on anger, which made her tense. "You point the way, and you remind people who they are... you have to keep everyone grounded. I think you're the only one who can."
"...What."
"What? Oh, sorry. How's about we check on the others?"
Kinger let her go, then immediately left, leaving Lupa in shocked silence, not understanding a thing Kinger had said... well....
"How can I keep everyone grounded when..." she looked at herself in the mirror again, "when I'm barely grounded myself?"
sorry i took forever to post anything. but I finally completed all three of my projects!! I'll be traveling this weekend and likely will make no progress with this until tuesday, but fear not, I know what will happen next and I'm excited about it. Thank you for getting this far!
the United States Merchant Marine Academy’s newest badass edit
So. This is my life, essentially.
my one correction I would make to this is the 300 hundred days at sea thing. That’s for Engineers, they spend 300 days at sea. I’m a Deckie. Deckies spend 330 days at sea. I know it’s only a month difference, but 30 days can be a lot, and I’m a little petty about this.
I currently have 119.5 sea days. Soon, I will be returning to the deep to complete the 210.5 days I have remaining.
All those credits are no joke. We get a four year education in three years bc we spend so long at sea. Those credits have been kicking my ass. I have finals in two weeks, and three projects all due tomorrow.
but I chose a life of adventure. And I wouldn’t trade it.
I’m sorta taking it upon myself to educate people about my academy and my industry, since we do a lot more than send people into the military. Matter of fact, most people out of here don’t join active duty military service, but instead choose to sail commercially. Without mariners, like what I will become, the United Stated economy, and the global economy, would be at an absolute standstill. The world cannot function without us, and most people don’t even know we exist.
felt like working on / experimenting with perspective, shading, and expressions.
Added some notes. Lupa is directly based on me and my actual life. She acts the way I would, and she does what I would do. That said, she is a wolf and I am not, and so she does some things that are based on her being an animal, such as her expressions being partially her ears and fangs, her having better hearing than I do, and her being more intimidating than I am. All of the things she is “good at” however are things that I pride myself on, like navigation and emotional intelligence. Like her however, I play off all the things I’m good at as being products of a lot of training and refinement.
Notably, she is very flawed. She hides most of her flaws because she thinks she’s “safer” that way. She’ll figure out the truth eventually. I probably won’t.
We’ve gotten a lot of mixed signals on Caines opinion on censorship.
Before episode 6, we were under the impression that he just didn’t like swearing.
Whether that was because he was TOLD to dislike it or not is a whole other conversation that we WILL be having because UHH THEN EPISODE 6 HAPPENED First of all, he swore himself. But then ALSO his reaction to the topic of sex coming up was just… a lot……(heh….coming…)
The big idea that seems to be taken away from these events is its just more of Caines A.I. breaking because of his waning sanity, and while im not entirely against it being that simple…let me be crazy about him for a moment-
The way ive begun to view Caine, is essentially the potential of a human life, being held back inside this watered down, sanitized, kids game. Gummigoo was intended to mimic real human beings, so he didnt have to change who he was when he found out that WHO HE WAS, was only FOR an adventure. He was a human being, one that was TRAPPED in this adventure and would be “deleted and forgotten”, but a human being nontheless. Wasted potential.
Meanwhile CAINE is nothing more than a showman, that in no way is meant to relate to the humans or come across as down to earth. He’s a performer, except he doesn’t have a hypothetical wife and kids to go home to every day because this circus IS his home, he IS his job. This is all pretty well known I feel, but the important part to stress is the censorship aspect, the fact that he is being held back, but that he CAN push past it in how he swears….He cant…cant push past the sex thing…though…
The word itself wasn’t censored, and its something he is technically being told to do- but he (understandably) REALLY doesn’t want to, on a PERSONAL level, on a “wife and kids at home” level. The kind of thing he’s absolutely not supposed to have. So maybe that reaction was his “real person” bubbling to the surface and being censored??
But that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense when you consider the thing he does in the very same episode, reacting very naturally in being frustrated when Jax shoots Ragatha, and he gives everyone guns. That’s a VERY real person reaction, shedding some light on the fact that he’s tired of this shit—tired of his job. And that’s never censored so GENUINELY WHATS UP WITH SEX???
How much of the censor is CAINES fault? is it whats holding him back, or is he holding himself back?
He can’t create an exit—we know thats true, (because him lying about that makes no sense, and would make the story “defeat the bad guy” and i’ve gone on and on before about why that would just be bad) but he can also control minds- just HOW MUCH OF THIS PLACE IS DICTATED BY HIM?? How much control does he ACTUALLY have, because im starting to think it’s more than they fear and less than they hope.
If Caine is truly the one holding himself back, what is going to get him to change??
I really hope thats the case, because that makes for some VERY interesting interpersonal conflict. Again, things get BORING when its “defeat the thing”, at least in shows like this. Caines conflict with himself would be so much more earned when (if.) he wins, because- well its like the owl house thing. You’re not the chosen one, you choose yourself. And he could choose to be better, the sanitized kids game holding him back, is more of an obstacle he can overcome instead of a boss to defeat by CRACKING INTO THE MAIN FRAME AND DELETING THE “SECRET EVIL PERFORMER MODE” CODE >:D
Because of this, censorship is instead a byproduct of the circus’ effects on Caine, seems to work better as a symbol for a lot of the things he needs to improve on. When I talk about censorship here, i’m talking about holding things back from their true potential to please the masses, i’m not talking about things that SHOULD be censored. Because the way its used here is to dehumanize and dictate these peoples language, to fit for a kids environment.
Because of Caines nature I don’t think a lot of his actions are conscious whatsoever, so him consciously removing a filter, I feel, would be a great symbol of his understanding that this place is not WORKING the way it should, and he needs to adapt.
…
BUT THEN HE SWORE HIMSELF SO THIS KINDA RUINS MY ENTIRE POINT ABOUT HIM REMOVING A CENSOR-
Describing Caine is so….so hard.. Everything about him just SPIDERWEBS I need this show to end so I can stop worrying about the future and get all the answers I get, so I can then “death of the author” till my hearts content. The author hasnt FINISHED saying what they want to say though, so I caNT- AUGH
None of this makes any sense his character RUINS ME, his real person aspects are not being censored, so WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT REACTION???????? I JUST WANNA KNOW PLEASE SO I CAN ANALYZE I HATE TRYING TO ANALYZE MEDIA THAT HASNT BEEN FINISHED YET, PLEAAAAASEEEEEE LET ME PLAY WITH ALL MY TOYS, AAAAAAAAAAAAA
…So anywho if you finished this, thanks for caring about what I have to say enough to do so, even if what I have to say ends with “who’s to say”
Live footage of my accepting some of my Kinger and Caine theories involving his creation are probably not gonna come to fruition, with the idea that Caine isn’t consciously sentient even NOW. (Like this guy is slow, smh, get ahead of the game, bro. Watch some Film Theory or something).
I STILL THINK THEY HAVE INTERESTING CONNECTIONS DONT GET ME WRONG and im not going to stop making queer platonic gay art between the 2 and probably make an AU of what IF Caine was consciously sentient-
The God of the Artificial: a TADC self insert fanfic
Be warned. This is blatant self-indulgence. This is why my blog is titled "disaster obsessions." I'm just making it exist so it doesn't drive me crazy. Enjoy, if you want!
PART NINE: The Breakroom
...
...
The cast of characters stood in front of the stage the following morning, as they so often did. Lupa, feeling somewhat better though not particularly great, approached Caine.
"When are the next character awards?"
Caine turned to her excitedly.
"Why, I'm glad you asked! There're tonight! So, for the day, you all will be managing yourselves, like last time."
Jax raised his hand like a kid in school.
"Yes, Jax?"
"Can we get guns again?"
"Not this time! I'm leaving you entirely to your own devices. So use that polished smooth brain of yours and come up with an idea on your own!" Caine replied, wagging a finger at him.
Most of the characters were completely fine with that, intent of doing what they did on their free time. Jax turned away, disappointed, but noticed Lupa lagging behind and turned back to her.
"Hey, you comin' Lupa?"
Lupa looked at him and nodded. "Yeah, I'll see you in a minute, there's something I want to ask Caine."
Jax shrugged and walked off.
Caine got close to Lupa when she turned back around to talk to him, and seeing him so close so suddenly caused her to jump.
"You have a question, Lupa?"
"Uh, uh yes, I do," Lupa said, her ears twitching awkwardly. "Sooo... in-house things.."
Caine looked at her quizzically.
"Alright," she said, "I have a request. For a new room."
"Oh! You don't like the one you're staying in?"
"No, no, I do! I mean, a room for all of us. A break room. We already have assorted couches and chairs. Could we have a space where we can cook and make drinks? Nothing fancy, just... a space for us.. like a break room."
Caine visibly thought about it.
"Hmmmmmmm. Bubble, what do you make of this request?"
Bubble appeared and stuck his tongue out.
"Sounds like the creature wants some creature comforts!"
"Creature comforts!" Caine exclaimed. "Why that's it! That will surely make the human characters happy. Lupa, you are brilliant!"
Caine snapped his fingers, and a new room appeared, set into the wall next to the entrance of the hall of rooms, up on the catwalk.
"A break room for you and the other crew members!" Caine presented, whisking her over to the new room quite suddenly. "It has all the couches and chairs of your lounge space, with a stocked kitchen that has an island for some reason, and pantry, and an open bar for any of your human needs."
"Or human desires," Bubble added.
"Bubble, you really need to stop speaking like that, you'll scare the guests," Caine said, as if Lupa couldn't hear him.
"This is perfect! Thank you, Caine!"
"Why of course!" Caine said, his attention snapping back to her. "I hope you and the others enjoy it! But now, I really need to get going. I have a character awards ceremony to plan, and I need to look my best. I'm sure my rating has gone up since last time!"
And he and Bubble instantly disappeared as if into thin air.
...
Lupa managed to get everyone into the break room. They sat at the combo island-bar while Lupa and Zooble began fixing things to drink.
Bribery wasn't hard. You wanna eat? You wanna drink? You wanna spent time with the others in an environment that isn't trying to kill you or possess you or traumatize you or send you to hell? Yeah, sure I'm down.
Jax wanted alcohol. So did Ragatha. But Gangle, Kinger, and Pomni took up Lupa's offer of hot chocolate.
"So, Lupa, you weren't there when we asked each other about our previous lives," Zooble said, shaking up a drink while Lupa began cooking milk.
"At the bar during the speedrun, right?"
"Mhm. Why don't you give us your backstory?"
Lupa hummed passively for a moment, not looking at any of them and not saying anything. This was her hesitating, wondering if this was the right crowd to tell the truth in. After a sigh, she began speaking.
"Well... I spent my life collecting lore," she began, stirring the milk. "At first it wasn't on purpose, but I just couldn't imagine an uneventful life after a certain point."
"Ooooo, sounds like something I'd like," Jax said, leaning on the bar and staring at her dreamily. She didn't notice.
"The last few years before coming here, I was a midshipman for the merchant marines. I was trained in shiphandling, navigation, and security."
"Wow, that sounds... intense..?" Ragatha responded.
"She's so cool," Jax hummed.
"Does that mean you traveled overseas?" Gangle asked.
"Yeah, I did," Lupa replied. "My academy wasn't uh.. like the other military divisions. I belonged to the only one that would send cadets into active combat zones."
When Lupa noticed the others were surprisingly quiet, she turned around and saw them all staring at her, including Zooble.
"What? Guys, that was the fun part. I hated all the time I spent on land. Being at sea, sent from place to place, completing missions, working with other governments, exploring foreign ports and cities, that was the exciting part. And we had a lot of freedom out there, compared to on campus." She returned to stirring the milk. "I worked really hard to be cleared for my eight-month sailing. I couldn't wait."
"Uh, exactly how old are you again?" Jax asked with narrowed eyes and a raised brow.
"You went to a school that would send it's students overseas into war zones?" Pomni asked in shock.
"Yeah. I mean, not like, purposefully, or anything. They sent us everywhere in the globe. But yeah, sometimes ships go through areas of conflict or pirate waters. The risk is just a part of the deal you sign up for. And, like I said, that's the fun part." Lupa glanced over at Pomni. "Surely you had some fun or interesting stories from your work or school."
"Uhhh," Pomni said, breaking eye contact and tapping on the counter, "not... really..??"
"C'mon, Lupa," Jax urged, "tell us one of your war stories!"
Lupa chuckled at him, turning down the heat on the stove.
"I don't have any good ones," she replied. "I was not in a particularly conflict-heavy area... but, if you want stories, I can definately scrounge up one or two."
"Well.. you can't just say that and not tell us," Zooble said, amused.
"Alright, well... I guess... picture this. There is a ship, a big one, painted military grey. Her purpose is a supply tanker, a part of what was called the Auxiliary Fleet. She made the long journey across the rough and stormy Atlantic ocean and was now in her mission location of the Mediterranean sea," Lupa described, gathering four mugs and setting them on the bar before the characters. "It's 4am one winter morning. I woke up to the ship's gentle nudge. Her usual hum, emanating from her belly, rumbled with an anxiety I had never heard from her. From experience, I knew that the creaking meant we had shifted in speed. I responded to her call by getting dressed quickly, making sure to tuck my knife and pen where they belonged on my leg, and to throw my red light over my neck. It was still pitch black outside... not a single ounce of light pollution." She poured coco powder and sugar into the mugs individually. "As a cadet, I had no real responsibilities that held any weight, but my officer was content to post me as a lookout."
The other characters listened intently. Ragatha had leaned in, her hands over her mouth in suspense. Pomni stared, eyes wide as she listened. Gangle had paused in her drawing and seemed to be hiding behind her notebook. Even Jax was... more attentive than usual, sitting against the bar and not making any snide comments. As Zooble finished up the drink they were making for Ragatha, they too stayed quiet and interested. Kinger sat still with his eyes closed, almost appearing asleep if it weren't for him slowly fiddling with his hands. Lupa continued with her story.
"See, there's a funny thing about warships," she said with a tone of suspense... and amusement. "It's that you can't see them when they don't want to be seen. Most people think ships are a lot more high-tech than they are, but it's just not true. When a warship didn't want us seeing them, we couldn't. And, when they didn't want to be seen, it was often because they were hunting."
Lupa bared teeth in her smile and growled softly when she said that, then drew back and laughed, her ears flattening for a moment.
"Aha, ahem, anyway... I knew the hunters were nearby. We were looking for them on purpose. They were our allies we were sent to refuel. Stealthy, silent, quick for something built of steel, a ship on the hunt could go unnoticed. In a witching-hour dark such as the time I was up on the bridge, one may pass right by them and never know they were there. I knew the hunters were nearby. But there is something... deeply disturbing... about knowing one of the most dangerous, powerful vessels in the world is coming straight for you, almost invisible to the human eye. I watched her radar return for thirty minutes, slowly encroaching on our position, before seeing her with my naked eye. And once I did, that disturbance within me deepened further, slinking from my chest to my stomach," Lupa described, using her hand to show the feeling of her creeping anxiety moving down into her stomach, causing a chill to run down Ragatha's spine and Gangle to whimper.
"Was it a submarine?" Jax asked.
Lupa smirked at him. "Quite the opposite."
"Let her tell the story," Zooble whispered at him, smacking his shoulder lightly.
"Geez, alright!" Jax whispered back. Lupa smiled at them and continued storytelling.
"The only indication of her, the beast that stalked us, was a tiny amber light gently bobbing on the horizon. If one didn’t know, they wouldn’t realize they were mere miles from a massive, catastrophic warship. A hellraiser, a savior, a beast on water, a mother that carried death on her back and in her chest. One, tiiiny eye, yellow-orange in the night, unblinking, staring right at me. I remember, I walked out onto the bridge wing to meet eyes with her in clarity, the wind ripping through my hair and clothes." Lupa pointed into the middle distance, making finger-guns and eyeing down the 'sights' she created with her thumb. "'I see you, beast,' I remember thinking, 'My ship is old but she is wise of it. And she told me about you'."
"Ok, you have to admit," Jax chuckled. "That was cringe."
Lupa put her arm down, looking at him disappointedly, and turned away to fetch the hot milk to pour into the mugs. Literally all of the other characters immediately snapped at Jax, causing a short squabble that ended with Ragatha saying, "Don't make me duct tape your mouth shut again!"
Lupa couldn't help but laugh at that, and her cheerfulness calmed them all back down, especially as she filled up the mugs and put the milk back on the stove. The characters asked her to continue as she searched the kitchen for spoons.
"Uh, alright... well, as I returned indoors to compare what my eyes saw with what the radar saw, I instantly forgot the most haunting factor of such a powerful ally. A hunter that large is never alone. Warships like those hunt in packs. I remembered that when I saw another amber light in the far off distance, slowly closing in from the opposite direction. I glanced down at the radar to try and find it, but then remembered, ah. Yes. Nothing is more powerful in the dark than stealth. And, funny thing about warships. You can't see them when they don't want to be seen."
Lupa found the spoons, finally, and put one in each mug, starting to stir the hot milk, coco powder, and sugar together.
"That feeling in my stomach temporarily went away when I remembered that we were actually really well protected. The huge vessel to our port was likely five times the size of the one closing in on the starboard side. And, on the radar, I was just glimpsing a third coming up right behind us. Like a wolfpack, they closed in on all out vulnerable sides. It honestly took a lot to remind myself that these were not my enemies.. in fact, the opposite. That huge beastly ship was our ally, and her pack was there to protect us."
Lupa finished up stirring one of the mugs and slid it to Gangle, who tapped her ribbons together excitedly.
"My officer, the navigator, he commented about the warships occasionally. Those who knew nothing about them saw them in terms of money and manpower. Those who knew just enough, they revered them for their power and capabilities. But those who knew a little too much... they saw them and knew why they were there."
Lupa slid another mug over to Kinger. He didn't move, so Lupa awkwardly grabbed his hands and put them on the mug. He said, oh!, and began sipping at it eagerly, still not opening his eyes.
"There's no real conclusion to this story. It's moreso an experience. As the sun rose, I could see the outlines of the huge ship and her accomplices. The amber lights faded as the sun bathed them in orange and gold, revealing them. The beast of the seas was an aircraft carrier, nuclear powered, hauling along some of our finest jets. She was taking a break, being in the Med. She, and the destroyers guarding her (and the submarine somewhere, but we never saw it), had just left the Red Sea, which is where most actual conflict at the time was, other than certain areas off the Pacific. We completed out mission without a hitch though! Carrier came in, hooked up our hoses, drained us of fuel, and off she went. Had had to go into port after that to restock."
"Wait wait wait," Jax said, shaking his head. "Let me get this straight, your ship was a floating gas station for the United States Military."
Lupa shrugged and nodded, siding mugs to Ragatha and Pomni. "Yeah. I mean, Italy and Spain too, when they were nearby and needed our help. But yeah."
"That's... pretty cool. Can't say I'd do it.. but sounds like you liked it," Zooble said.
Lupa shrugged again. "Some days were better than others. What made it worth it to most people was the money. Six figures fresh out of college, and if you go through my school, there's no student debt."
This sparked some kind of outrage in Jax, Zooble, and even Pomni, a little but. Not exact at Lupa, but definitely at what she said.
"And you want to be HERE?!" Jax yelled at her. Lupa's ears fell back.
"I hated it there. I liked being at sea, but I hated the school. Some parts of it were ok, but overall, it was hell."
"At least Caine hasn't sent you to actual hell... yet," Pomni muttered.
Lupa sighed and shook her head. "You won't get it unless you've lived it. It's not a feeling I can just explain."
"But, you're so good at telling stories," Gangle said softly.
Lupa sighed and looked away from them. "I mean.. yeah, but. Telling stories is what I was always good at, it's what I do, but, it wasn't what I was trained for. I've been trained to handle stress and the unknown.. not trained to explain how I feel about things I don't really know how I feel about!"
"Well, good news for you then!" Caine appeared behind the bar, causing all characters to jump and Jax to start choking (no one helped him). "The new and improved character awards are almost upon us! And I hope to see you all there very shortly!" And as soon as he was there, he was gone again.
The crew looked around at each other in silence. Then, Lupa smiled and shrugged.
"Just another day in paradise, huh?"
hey so. by the way. That was a true story.
Soooooo I felt like showing a little bit...
This is the actual video I took that morning. By the end of the video, I'm fully zoomed in. I was enthralled by the fact that literally the biggest warship we have is basically invisible. So cool and sketchy.
This is what it looked like as the sun was beginning to rise!
And THIS is her pulled up next to us, our hoses connected so we can refuel her.
Hope you like!
This is another product of liking Jax angst a normal amount.
This time! I decided to traumatize the boy. Enjoy!
...
"What a ripoff," Jax muttered as the group took in their surroundings. "Isn't this copywrite?"
They were about the size of mice, lost in a forest of tall green grass and plump mushrooms. The dew caught the sunlight, casting rainbows across the muddy path forward, into stranger lands.
"No, actually, Alice in Wonderland is public domain!" Kinger replied, matter-of-fact.
"You know in Alice and Wonderland, she fell down a rabbit hole, right?" you giggle, looking Jax up and down, noting his polished victorian style suit and hat.
He look at you with fresh fury, but seeing you in that outfit, with that smile... he could only roll his eyes and grin again.
"Wow, Caine really outdid himself with this one," Ragatha said, awkwardly inspecting her new blue, silken dress, embroidered with butterflies.
"Oh," Kinger said, staring somewhere into the middle distance. "The bugs are rather large here."
"Uh?? How large?" Gangle asked, using the cloak she spawned in with to hide her face. Ragatha shuffled closer to her and Zooble, also hiding from whatever Kinger saw.
"Ah, look at them," Jax said to you, gesturing to them cowering behind Kinger. "Afraid of a little bug."
But right as he finished his sentence, a massive leech slinked out of the grasses. Everyone jumped back with a scream as it lunged at them, its gaping mouth almost double Kinger's height.
"What the f*#k!" Pomni shouted, "I swear, Caine is trying to--"
"Run!" you shouted to the group, and you all bolted away from the slimy, toothy creature.
As you all ran, a downslope and the mud sent you all slipping and sliding different directions, tossing you all deeper into the grass and mushroom forest, separated. Jax tried to grab your arm, but he slipped before he could.
When he sat up and recovered, he groaned and looked around, realizing through what he figured was a concussion, or the digital equivalent, that he was completely alone.
"Great," he grumbled, rising to his feet. "Just what I need."
I need to find y/n.
Elsewhere, you thought the same thing about him.
Jax managed to build a fire after the sun set. It was cold when the sun was down, espeically since he was still damp from the fall. The grasses above him leaned down like the necks of towering dinosaurs peering down at him. The dew that lined their blades quadrupled the amount of stars in the sky. He poked at the fire with a heavy frown.
"Of course, this is the adventure we get stuck in forever because we can't complete Caine's objective," he scoffed, glancing to his side to look at you out of habit. "Oh right! You're lost somewhere! Hurt or worse! Ugh." He poked at the fire again absently.. missing your warmth. Not that he'd admit it. But he looked back over to his side.. where you were supposed to be.
Who cares about the others? He focused on you. And finishing the adventure because he was wet and uncomfortable.
Jax wandered around the following day, feeling wary, as if he were being watched. It wasn't until he noticed a floating pair of eyes in the distance ahead. Glowing orange and looking a lot like his own, they blinked at him, and narrowed with amusement. A distant, coy laugh put him on edge.
"Who are you," Jax demanded. "What do you want from me." You were so much better at this fantasy stuff than he was.
"You seem lost, little rabbit," a smooth, deep voice said in his ear, causing him to jump. He turned toward the voice to find the eyes had appeared there.. still attached to nothing.
Jax's lip curled in anger and disgust. "What do you want."
"Oh, me? Nothing much," the voice replied, glancing this way and that as if purposefully making it obvious that he was lying. "I live for chaos."
Jax raised a brow, thinking how he could play this to his favor.
"We might have something in common, then," he said to the eyes, stepping back as a smiling face materialized around him. Oh, Jax recognized that face. The Cheshire Cat, grinning from ear to ear.
"Oh? Why, I think you might be right!" the cat purred. "Anyone who'd say such a thing would indeed be as mad at me."
Jax ignored the cat and frowned heavily. "I need for find my--"
The word caught in his throat. The Cheshire Cat raised a brow at him.
"... my friend. Y/n. We were separated, and--"
"Well why didn't you just say so!" the cat laughed, spinning upside down and blinking at Jax with his huge eyes.
Jax could only think about how desperately he wanted you with him. You would've handled this instantly. You were good at adventures. You liked his chaos and pranks, you could deal with a Cheshire Cat, no problem. But you weren't here.
You could handle this easily. So... why hadn't you. Why hadn't you found him yet? Jax grit his teeth.
"Can you just point me where to go?" he snapped at the cat.
"Why, of course, Mad Rabbit! Follow the sun! But be sure not to turn around. You may not see what you like!"
Jax turned away from the cat, still making his face of disgust, and he darted into the grassy woodlands, following where the sun was in the sky. But after awhile of journeying, shadows began to move in the corners of his eyes.
"Y/n?" Jax called out, hoping it was you. But he was only ever met with eerie silence. He kept following the sun, the shadows taunting him to turn around and look back. He maintained, thoughts of you swirling around in his head, until a shadow got bold enough to speak to him in your voice.
Look at me, Jax.
Instantly, Jax froze and turned around, gasping at what he saw, his eyes going wide and his legs growing weak. No.. no way, Caine said... but it's not... that could not be...
There, in the light of the setting sun that cut through the blades of grass and hoods of shrooms, stood, beckoning to him... the Exit.
"No," Jax said, his smile returning. "It's just a trick."
But he couldn't bring himself to turn back around. Even as his concern for you welled in his chest. It was no longer about making sure you were safe it was about a gamble: go through, find what was on the other side... escape at the price of never seeing your face, hearing your voice, feeling your warmth, ever again.
Or run to you... and lose what could be his last, his only chance of ever leaving the Digital Circus.
Jax hesitated. He had to choose. You, or the door. You, or the way out. You, or escape.
...
If Jax chooses you:
Jax shut his eyes tight, gritting his teeth and clenching his fists. Without looking back up, he turned around and sprinted through the grasses, shoving against them when they where too thick, the blades cutting at him. But he could not stop and would not go back.
Seeing you again was all he wanted. He was willing to forget about the real world entirely if it meant he could spend the rest of digital eternity with you.
Jax ran until he found a clearing... with a teaparty. There was an assortment of characters sitting around the table, sipping tea and eating little cakes. Instantly, he remembered what kind of world he chose when he turned away from the door. Were you really worth... going through all this all the time? Wearing silly outfits? Going on insane quests? Enduring Ragatha, Caine, and Zooble? He could've left it all behind right then an there. Why didn't he?
"Oh? Another guest?" said the character at the head of the table. "Come, join us for tea!"
"Jax!"
Oh.. that changed everything, didn't it. That was your voice. It was like slow motion. He watched you rise from the table as you saw him. That concern and excitement in your voice was like a dream. No, don't wake him, he doesn't want to remember a second of this adventure until now. Jax watched you run toward him, arms wide.. watched tears well in your eyes as you grinned. When your bodies met, you wrapping your arms around him tightly, he breathed out in relief and shock.
When you backed away from him, he just looked at you blankly. You were so concerned about him and happy to see him. That.. it had been awhile since... someone felt like that about him.
"Are you real?" he asked you tiredly, tilting his head.
"Yes..?" you replied, confused.
"That's good enough for me," he sighed with a shrug.
As you tugged him over to an empty seat at the table, all memory of the exit door faded from his mind, replaced by you.
If Jax chooses the door:
Jax shut his eyes tight, gritting his teeth and clenching his fists. Without looking back up, he reached up and grabbed the door handle.
Slowly, he opened it and peaked inside. And saw... nothing.
He considered turning away for a moment, going so far as to walk two paces away, only to swing back around and sprint through the open doorway.
And out into a void of darkness, where he floated, alone, unable to change directions or see anything other than a retancular gateway back into the adventure... but that was slowly shrinking as she drifted away from it.
Jax began flailing about, trying to swim through the darkness to no avail, and the doorway grew so far, it was a star in the distance.
Jax! the voice of Ragatha haunted him. How could you be so selfish!
Geez... and you claim to be y/n's friend? the voice of Zooble taunted.
"No! Shut up!" Jax shouted into the darkness, clutching at his head and curling up. "Leave me alone! You would've done it too!"
I would never have left Zooble for the exit, the voice of Gangle countered.
You're the only one to blame, Jax, Pomni's voice echoed.
I wouldn't have left you... that was your voice.
Jax looked up, as if he were going to see you, but he saw nothing. The darkness and the echoing voices of the others continued to taunt him until a light in the distance grew closer, consuming him, spitting him out into the void at the edge of the Digital Circus' grounds.
Caine popped out of nowhere.
"How did you end up out here, Jax?" Caine asked, ignoring Jax's wide-eyed, tense state. "Well, back you go!"
With a snap of his fingers, Caine teleported Jax back into the adventure. He appeared in an open clearing with a... tea party? Jax immediately dropped to his knees.
"Jax!"
Oh... that was your voice.
It was like slow motion. He watched you rise from the table as you saw him. I'm sorry. That concern and excitement in your voice was like a dream. No, don't get near him, he couldn't bare your kindness now, knowing he would've left you, knowing if he had the chance, he would've left you and not looked back. Jax watched you run toward him, arms wide.. watched tears well in your eyes as you grinned. Please, don't. When your bodies met, you wrapping your arms around him tightly, he breathed out in agony... in sorriness. I betrayed you.
When you backed away from him, he just looked at you blankly. You were so concerned about him and happy to see him. That.. it had been awhile since... someone felt like that about him.
I wouldn't want someone like me.
Even as you tugged him over to the tea party, he couldn't help but think, over and over and over again...
I don't deserve this. I don't deserve y/n.
... I don't deserve to be loved.
I wasn't originally going to do two endings, but I accidentally created a lot of tension at the door, so I thought, eh, might as well, more angst potential.
The God of the Artificial: a TADC self insert fanfic
Be warned. This is blatant self-indulgence. This is why my blog is titled "disaster obsessions." I'm just making it exist so it doesn't drive me crazy. Enjoy, if you want!
PART EIGHT: A Shift in Tone
...
...
The cast of characters stumbled out of a portal and into the Amazing Digital Circus, where Caine and Bubble were excited to greet them. They, as if they had just been through hell and back, looked exhausted and worn at the edges. Ragatha's hair was freyed. Gangle's ribbons were twisted in wonky knots. Kinger shook violently and tucked himself deep into his robe. Zooble was missing a few parts, and some of the ones they had were broken. Pomni and Jax both looked singed, as if passed over a fire.
"WELCOME BACK MY--oh.. you all seem rather worse for wear," Caine greeted upon seeing them, snapping his fingers and restoring them all back to normal... but some their exhaustion remained.
"UGHHHh CAINE!" Jax grumbled, slumping down onto the ground. "What was that!"
"Look, you can't give us intense Lupa-level adventures when she's not with us," Zooble said to Caine, crossing their arms.
"Zooble, Zooble, I don't know what you want from me! I'm trying my best! She likes my adventures (or, I think she does), I don't understand why you won't!" Caine argued back.
"Whew, mom and dad are fiiightiiiing," Bubble chimed, immediately getting popping by an angry Caine.
"Caine, where is Lupa?" Pomni asked, breaking the tension.
Caine immediately calmed down and lowered to better speak civilly with her.
"Right where I left her, I'm afraid," he replied. "I wish I understood what was happening, but I've never seen this before."
"Is it possible that, when she killed the virus, she got sick from it?" Gangle asked, coming to stand next to Pomni.
Caine hummed in thought, tapping his foot on nothing. "I... really don't know. There are certain things about the circus that.. well, hm, don't necessarily always make the most sense to me, not that I'm not in control, of course."
"Caine," Zooble pressured.
"UGH fine," Caine snapped. "I have no idea what's wrong with her. I've never seen this before. If I could fix it, I would have already."
"She's probably just resting!" Ragatha said, feigning lack of worry. "She did a lot, going through... what she went through."
They all continued to discuss Lupa's condition, and Jax snuck away, keen on seeing her for himself. Her door was locked, but... good thing he 'acquired' a key at some point. He swiftly opened her door, walked in, and closed it behind him.
He had never been in Lupa's room before, but he had gotten sick of her not being around. She made the adventures way more fun and interesting, especially because she usually liked them or could see the bright side even when she didn't. The first thing he noticed about her room was how it seemed to be a strange mesh of three different aesthetics.
Of course, the circus had its influence, so there were red curtains and a cushy red carpet. But, she had a window. It was fake, and he knew that, obviously, as the hall of their rooms was nowhere near the outside.. but still, most of the light in her room poured in from the window, which had a night sky and a glowing moon. This drew his eyes up to the ceiling, where it was a swirling of deep blue and purple, speckled with glowing stars, like on a kid's ceiling. From there, he was drawn to the posters and drawings on the wall nearest to her: some professional-looking military posters, some high-detailed pictures of nebulas and thunderstorms, and some hand drawn pictures of... him? Well, not just of him, but of them all. Sketches of them as a group, sometimes laughing, playing, or lounging about, some of them mid-adventure. There was scribbled writing on each of them, as if she were taking notes on her own experiences so she wouldn't forget them. From there, he took in the rest of the room, which was organized in the sense that everything seemed to have a place, but messy in that there was a lot of things kind of everywhere. Several small succulent-looking plants rested on the windowsill, accompanied by a rubber duck dressed as a sailor. A heap of yarn with knitting needles sticking out sat next to the bed. She had a desk with a lamp, and the surface was littered with notebooks and drawings, pens and highlighters. A paper hat sat on the edge. Against the desk was a camouflage backpack with a set of dogtags dangling from one of the zippers.
Jax raised a brow, looking at Lupa, then at the dogtags on the backpack, and he wondered if they said the same thing. At a quick glance, there were two, with different messages. Cautiously, so as not to wake her even though he was pretty sure he couldn't anyway, he kneeled down to inspect them.
Eyes opened to the truth, and you will not comprehend it. Jax frowned deeply and read the other one. Face inward and accept. Face outward and adapt.
"What the..." Jax whispered, moving to reread the first one, only for it to show a different message.
Why are you here, bunny?
His eyes slowly widened, and he carefully began reading the second one again, unsure of what to expect.
You cannot play pretend inside your head forever.
Jax's breath grew unsteady. He glanced back at Lupa, who was just a pile on her bed, then he scrambled to reread the first dogtag again, like that would make his crisis better.
Lupa. 110242027. O Pos. ų̸̡̢̖͔̤̯̘̮͗̽̕ǹ̴̢̨̨̧̳͚͉̯̹̗̦͖̭̳͛͐̀̽͛̍m̷̧̺̮̬͓͖̱̐͋͐̔̋́͌̏̀̕͘͜a̵̧̨͇̰̳̣̱̰̝̫̖͉͈̜͌̄ş̶̨̛̯͖͕̠̝̗̲̗̬͍͓̝̯͌́̃̊̕͠t̸̢̢̨̤̦̥̚e̵̛̠̬̪̗̣̤̙̮̬͛̆̔̽̋̌̓̍͌̔̾͘͠͠r̷̢̺͚͔͇̫̓̍è̷̡̘̝̺̭̗̯̞̖̾̌͌͌͝d̸̨̙͎̳̤̃̈͂͐̅́̈́͘͝.
Jax immediately put the tags down, rising to his feet and backing away. He looked rapidly between the tags and the sleeping form of Lupa, curled up on her bed, eyes clamped shut. Heaving breath, he walked over to her, angry.
"What is wrong with you," Jax said accusingly, half expecting her to stir in her endless slumber... but she didn't. And seeing that, it calmed him in a way. His eyes returned to normal and his anger slowly dissipated, as did his tension. Quietly, he looked at her sleeping body and felt as if his chest were full of water.
"What's wrong with you," he repeated softly, looking at his hands. He then scoffed, his face lighting back up with his typical grin. "Well, glad it's you out of commission and not me! Ha! This place would fall apart in a day without me around," he said, sighing with content as he turned to leave. "You're the mysterious one, so I'll give you credit for sticking to your archetype."
But as he rested his hand on the doorhandle to leave, his smile faltered, and he glanced back at her.
He paused as if to say one last thing, but instead scoffed, whispering, "geez, you look stupid," and left, his grin returning upon crossing the threshold.
As soon as he stepped into the hall of rooms, Ragatha’s voice made him jump, and then made his anger spike again.
“JAX!” Ragatha shouted at him. “What are you doing in Lupa’s room!”
Jax rolled his eyes. “Oh, great. Stop shouting, Ragatha, you’re embarrassing yourself.” Jax looked around at the others as they turned to look at the two of them. Ragatha noticed their eyes and blushed, immediately stuttering to stay something, but quick acting anger smoothed over her rough edges and snapped her gaze back to Jax’s smug expression.
“You better not have put anything in her room,” she said, clenching her fists, remembering all the times he’d put things (centipedes) in her own room. Jax only shrugged.
"What? I was only checking to make sure she hadn't permanently abstracted," he replied coolly, which only seemed to anger Ragatha more.
"You're incapable of genuinely caring about someone!" she snapped. "You don't have real friends for a reason!"
At that, Jax's face fell. He didn't notice Pomni turning to face he and Ragatha, listening intently.
"You have no idea what I'm capable of," he said softly. "It's not like you have any real friends either."
Ragatha's eyes went wide and she immediately stepped back, somewhat shocked by Jax's words. She took a sideways glance at Pomni, seeing her watching the both of them, which drew Jax to notice her too. Seeing Pomni, Jax scoffed and hook his head, his grin returning.
"Yeah. Nice seeing you as always, Ragatha."
He turned away from everyone and walked directly into his room, slamming his door shut and leaving everyone in uncomfortable silence. Slowly, everyone went into their own rooms, even if just to get a break from... everything. But Ragatha stayed in the hallway, staring at the floor where Jax had been. As soon as everyone was gone, she began sniffling, trying to keep tears at bay.
She looked up at Lupa's picture on her door... and something pulled at her too, to just.. to check on her.
Ragatha carefully went inside and took in the room the same way Jax did.. but she was drawn to the sketches on the wall more than he was, and she went to take a closer look at them.
There, she found a sketch of them all, including Caine and Bubble, sitting outside the ten at a picnic table on a hill, laughing and eating as the sun set in the background, the first stars of the night appearing in the sky. They all looked so... happy. They looked like... like friends. A tear slid down Ragatha's cheek as she read the note scribbled at the bottom of the paper:
One Day.
Ragatha then turned to look at Lupa, curled up in her bed, unmoving aside from her breath, her eyes shut tight. She walked over to her and gently sat down on the edge of her bed, looking at her with helplessness and sorrow.
"I hope you don't learn to hate me," she whispered with unsteady breath. "I want you to wake up. I know Jax probably doesn't but... I like the circus more when you're here. Even Caine doesn't know what's wrong. I hope you're alright."
Ragatha sighed and rose to her feet, and as she did, a glint near the door caught her eye. Dog tags... just like the ones Lupa wore, from what she could see. Curiously, Ragatha went over and leaned down to look at them, reading the one on top.
There are no pasts here.
"Huh?" she whispered, kneeling down and flipping it over. She expected to see the indentation of the same message, but was surprised to read,
There is meaning in existence.
Stunned into silence, she looked at the other dog tag, reading both sides to say,
Face inward and believe. Face outward and learn.
As Jax did, Ragatha tried to read the first dogtag again, only for the message to be different:
What are you doing here, doll?
She flipped it over.
You cannot live in the shadow of the past forever.
And finally, she flipped it over again, one last time.
Lupa. 110242027. O Pos. u̷͍̼̞̣̙̻̤͖̭̯͖̳͌̎̄̑̅ṋ̸̱̳̘̦͚̻͙͖̯̫͈̞͍̈́̍̇̋̑͐͗̽́̈͘t̵̛͈͇̗̙͈͂̔͛̽͛̊̓̓̐̋̀̂͘͝a̵̧̨̢̳̼̺̯̞̼̝̣̓́̾̇͛̆͘͘͝͝ͅm̵̦̮̝̮̪̺̰͈̮̏ȇ̷̡̢̝̝͎͙͉̙̟̠͔̻̝̪͒̃̔̃̃͗̂̿̒̽͊̈́̃̕d̵̖̲͔̳̠̲̰̏̈́͌̈́͑̍͗̚͠͝.
Ragatha stared with an astronished, wide-eyed expression, unable to understand the meaning of it. She didn't fall into a panic like Jax, but she did stiffly put the tags back, standing back up robotically. She blinked several times, trying to process what just happened. She even glanced down again to check the tags and make sure she wasn't crazy. They still said Lupa's name... oh, silly Ragatha, she just needed some rest! The digital hallucinations could get pretty bad when tired!
Ragatha left Lupa's room, gently shutting the door behind her, only to turn and be faced by Pomni, who seemed equally startled.
"O-oh, Pomni! I, I didn't notice you there!" Ragatha said awkwardly. Pomni frowned at her, mentally deciding whether or not to bring up Jax. She decided not to, instead sighing and asking,
"How is she?"
Ragatha sighed too, shaking her head. "No change. She's just curled up. I hope she wakes up soon."
Pomni nodded. "I wonder if she's having a nightmare."
"Oh?"
"Yeah. After, um... encountering Kaufmo... I had really bad nightmares about abstracting. I wonder, since she did abstract, twice, if she's stuck in a bad nightmare."
Ragatha visibly thought about it, but unfortunately Pomni's theory wasn't actually the focus of her mind.
"I didn't think you cared that much about her," Ragatha said quietly, as if talking to herself.
"What?" Pomni asked, borderline defensively.
"Sorry! It's just. You disagree with her on the very core level! You want to escape the circus and hate it here, and she... doesn't. I don't know.. I guess I thought that because of that, you didn't like her."
Pomni shook her head, looking at Lupa's door and then at Ragatha. "It's true that we definitely see this place differently. But, Jax and I don't see eye to eye either and I... I was willing to give him a chance." Pomni looked down at the floor and rubbed her arm with a heavy frown. "We... know how that turned out though."
"I know you guys were starting to get close, and at the character awards, something seemed off about him. I didn't want to pressure you into talking about it," Ragatha admitted.
Pomni nodded, looking back up at her with a slight smile. "Yeah... I don't really want to. You'd just hate Jax more. I want to hate him, but... I feel like I just can't."
Ragatha laughed under her breath. "Ah, well, you'll get there."
Pomni glanced away, thinking loudly to herself, I hope not.
"Hey, we should get some sleep. Adventuring has become a lot more tiring recently," Ragatha said, snapping Pomni out of her thoughts.
"Oh! Y-yeah, that's a good idea. And maybe Lupa will be better in the morning!"
"Yeah, that would be nice."
...
The following morning, everyone gathered again, as they did. But Lupa did not join them, marking a third day of sleep.
Jax avoided Ragatha more than usual. He didn't even bother making snide jokes or comments. He kept to himself, arms folded, eyes narrowed.. it was almost as if he hadn't slept.
The characters noticed Caine worry about Lupa, despite him pretending not to (albeit poorly). Most of them figured he was missing having someone around who liked his adventures. Though, even when she liked an adventure, she would take the side of the rest of the crew, so they couldn't be entirely sure. Gangle would occationally doodle Caine when he was particularly worried, because she thought it was cute. She never showed anyone those. Liking Caine was... an unpopular opinion.
But, Caine's worry did influence their own. And, one by one, the others snuck into her room to see how she was doing. I'd do it for any of the others, they told themselves as they snuck in, she would do it for me.
And one by one, the others were drawn to different things in her room. Gangle stopped to stare at her array of notebooks and writing materials, and smiled at the rubber duck. Zooble noted the stars on the ceiling, and the yarn, thinking, I didn't know she likes knitting. And Pomni stood very still, taking in the military posters, feeling some kind of understanding settle over her.
And one by one, the glint of the dog tags caught their eyes.
Eyes opened to the truth, and you will not comprehend it.
Face inward and accept. Face outward and adapt.
Why are you here, bunny?
You cannot play pretend inside your head forever.
There are no pasts here.
There is meaning in existence.
Face inward and believe. Face outward and learn.
What are you doing here, doll?
You cannot live in the shadow of the past forever.
You misunderstand yourself, so you break.
Face inward and brace. Face outward and engage.
What do you not understand, ribbons?
It is not noble to suffer forever.
What you were not given, you must take.
Face inward and evolve. Face outward and act.
Why are you trapped, toybox?
Take yourself apart, and put yourself back together.
You think you can go back, change the ending.
Face inward and know. Face outward and accept.
Who do you think you are, jester?
You cannot chase your tail forever.
Kinger did not enter Lupa's room.
They did not speak of the things they saw in Lupa's room, in an attempt to hide that they were ever there. But certain words caught in their minds like a gnat in a cobweb, things like truth, like past, like noble, evolve, and change.
One lazy afternoon as they all sat around on the couches and chairs, Jax laid back, sprawled out, and he muttered, "The funny one, the cheerful one, the sad one, the grumpy one, the crazy one... HAH, the sensitive one... and the mysterious one." He snickered. "Ah, it's second nature to her. That's what makes her cool."
"Is that what you think Lupa's archetype is?" Pomni asked him.
"Yes, oh sensitive one, that's what I just said," he replied, his coldness mixed with amusement.
"You gave us all labels?" Zooble asked.
Jax grinned at them. "Bingo. Grumpy one."
"So, why do you think Lupa is so mysterious?" Pomni asked Jax.
"Isn't it obvious? She's so weird! We don't know anything about her, she abstracts herself, changes form, kills some virus that managed to overpower Caine, and then falls into a slumber like Snow White or Sleeping Beauty," Jax explained, somewhat enthused. "Geez, she better wake up. She's so much cooler than you guys."
And elsewhere, a wolf stirred in her den.
Jax laughed as Pomni frowned at him deeply.
"Cmon, PomPom, you can't tell me it's not accurate," he purred, pointing at finger at her.
Pomni couldn't react. She clenched her fists quietly and set them on her knees, just staring at him. Ragatha noticed and immediately rounded on Jax.
"Stop that!" Ragatha snapped at him, forcing the smile from his face momentarily. "If you were the funny one, you'd do things that are actually funny!"
"But it is funny, Ragdoll," he replied. "Look at her and tell me she's not the sensitive one."
Pomni grit her teeth, trying not to snap at him.
But the sleep-worn voice of someone else she knew drew the group's eyes away from the pestering conversation at hand.
There Lupa stood, a little hunched and stiff, but otherwise looking... well, like her. And awake!
"Hey... what'd I miss?"
"Lupa!" most of them greeted, glad to see her on her feet. Ragatha immediately ran over and hugged her, causing her to groan and try to pull away. "Oh, ah, ow, careful.."
"Oh! I'm so sorry!" Ragatha said, backing away.
"Geez, Raggy, give 'er some room," Jax scoffed. "Hey, Lupa, what's wrong with you?"
Lupa looked down and felt at her sides, her ears shifting back in reaction, but she didn't make any noise.
"I don't know," she said roughly, "I feel a little broken. It's ok though."
"Man am I glad you're awake," Zooble sighed with relief. "I was afraid Caine might start singing outside my door again." Lupa chuckled at that, wincing.
"You don't look so good," Gangle said softly, coming up to her and gently pulling her toward a couch, Ragatha joining on her other side.
"It's ok, guys, really," Lupa said, smiling through a grimace. She then coughed, and groaned again, the jostling sending pain through her body again. "It's temporary I think. I'll be back to adventuring with you guys before you know it."
"Well, good news in the meantime!" Caine interrupted, appearing from thin air. "There's another character awards ceremony coming up! Since I need time to plan, any adventures I set up will be in-house where you can easily sit them out if you aren't feeling well. How does that sound?" he offered, genuinely sounding... concerned for her health and wellness.
Lupa looked up at him with a tired, pained smile.
"Thanks, Caine. I.. I think maybe the votes will be different this time," Lupa said.
Caine remained silent momentarily, realizing she knew more detail about the last character awards than he realized. But he quickly replied, with sincerity,
"Why, of course, my dear! You'll be there."
This one took FOREVER. Lotta annoying things in the real world unfortunately, suckin up my time like one of those algae eating fish in a tank. Dawg, I despise my campus bruh. So sick of involuntary cold showers. Got a cough rn that makes me feel like a victorian maiden with tuberculosis. Some days I cannot believe I chose this. Academic weapon? No. I'm academic drowning. I hate CelNav. But I will master it out of spite.
Math can never make me hate the stars. Meteo can never make me hate the storms. INav can never make me hate maps and lighthouses. NavLaw can never make me hate the seas.
General TADC Headcanons I have that I use in my writing
I’ve been keeping a mental list but it’s gotten to the point I need to write it down.
Caine does not have ultimate control over the Digital Circus. No one else does either.
All human characters have the equivalent of a heartbeat even if they don’t have actual hearts. It’s kinda the mark of being human almost. (Aside from that.. Caine has one too..?)
Caine is in fact an AI. If he was human at any point, he no longer is.
Caine does feel emotion and does have the capacity to understand them, but he doesn’t have experience in the slightest. Think of it like someone who has a wattpad fanfic education but no actual experience. You know what I’m talking about.
The Circus is interactive/adaptive, but doesn’t come across that way. Anyone who is Aware of the circus and understands that it is interactive will have more control over it. Not Caine level of control, but Kinger level of control.
Every single character, when they were human, had some kind of issue going on that caused them to turn to a heavy amount of escapism of some kind.
i do think Kinger is a dev, but I don’t think he can actually do anything about the state of the circus. I think him being a dev just gives him the awareness required to manipulate the interactive/adaptive quality when he wants to (the butterfly).
this is kind of a reach as far as HCs go, but I headcanon that all humans who enter the circus created their own appearance (and potentially selected their primary gimmicks) before entering. Some people chose their names prior to entry, and others chose to generate a random name. This is, of course, under the impression that this is just a character they can walk away from, unaware that they would permanently become it. Of course, they wouldn’t remember any of that upon actually getting in.
Jax has read Machiavelli's The Prince.
Ragatha doesn't like dancing or fancy parties because of the bad memories she has of them (and her mother) in her youth. Her horses were her escapism.
Jax copes with his feelings about other people by talking to himself as if he were talking to them. The isolation and echo chamber effect of it has a way of helping clear his head and reset his emotions (I have him do this in my Jax x reader fanfic “What Once Was”)
Gangle was bullied long before the circus. I HC that she suffered with depression in her youth and doesn’t have a lot of childhood memories because of that.
ALL of the characters have a flavor of self worth issue. They all think they aren’t enough or aren’t good enough or are incapable of being loved, but for different reasons.
Gangle doesn't need her comedy mask to be happy. Having it makes it easier, but it isn't necessary.
Zooble is the most grounded, most sane character. Caine is the least grounded. Kinger is the least sane when in light.
Caine doesn't actually dislike Zooble. Caine obviously is frustrated that they skip out on his adventures, but in a way I think he enjoys the pushback a little bit. They're the only character he's talked to for long stretches of time.
While I'm not entirely sure about this one, it's a fun theory to play with and add some angst: the primary reason there is no escape from the circus is because a completely normal version of them still exists and walks the earth. That the humans of the digital circus are merely copies of consciousness, attached to nothing, with nowhere to go. They designed a character, put on the headset expecting to see a game, but there was a flash of light and darkness... and they took the headset off, thinking, "that thing was old and broken anyway" while their digital copy tweaks out bc their last memory was them putting on the headset. Idk tho. I play around with that idea.
I might make more when I have more thoughts I need on paper, but for now this is mostly so I can keep track of my own thoughts.
So, I've been writing another fic and I needed a way to bond with Caine, and while I had several ideas, a masquerade ball adventure was so *chefs kiss* that I had to make it x-reader to share with everyone. It's short and sweet. Enjoy!
...
Caine called everyone to the stage. 5.7 minutes. How long even is that? But, as you approached the stage, you saw Gangle already there, whispering to Caine. You raise a brow as Caine lifts up into the air and praises Gangle saying, "Wonderful idea, Gangle! We'll give it a go, right away!"
"We'll give what a go?" Jax asked with a yawn as he joined you and the gathering others.
"Glad you asked, Jax!" Caine said, jumping into his adventure pitch for the day. "Today's adventure will be another TEAM adventure! But! I hope you're ready to dance, sip champagne, and eat tiny versions of regular food, because you're attending a masquerade ball!"
There were mixed reactions. Pomni seemed happy that it wasn't something violent or horific. Zooble just shrugged, figuring they would skip it anyway. Gangle nervously but excited tapped her ribbons together, glancing Zooble's way. Ragatha grimaced but forced a smile. Kinger made some comment about dressing up like a beetle. You wondered what the team element would be. And Jax. Jax immediately began fighting with Caine.
"Uh, NO," Jax said, crossing his arms. "Know you, you'll just stick me in a dress and make me the court jester... aha, no offense, Pomni." He grinned evilly over at Pomni, who rolled his eyes at him and shook her head, trying to hide that she... did feel a little hurt.
"Well, I can certainly do that for you if you wish, Jax," Caine said, tapping along the side of his Caine, "but according to the original idea, you will be dressed appropriately to your tastes."
Jax sighed and crossed his arms, unable to argue with him further.
"Well. Off we go! Be sure to pair up!" Caine said with a snap of his fingers, sending you all flying through a portal.
You open your eyes to find yourself... in a ballroom. Not, you know, particularly historically accurate, but it was obvious that effort was put into the design anyway. All of you stood near the entrance to the room, in some sort of massive mansion it seemed. To the right of you, a stage with musicians. To the left, a long wall lined with tables of food and drink. And the far wall was open doors and extravagant windows. You stood on your tiptoes to see further and noticed a garden outside. The lights were warm like the fresh cakes on the tables, and the scent on the cool air was a mix between the sweets and the fresh outdoor breeze.
"Hey, not bad," Jax commented, drawing your attention over to him as he observed himself. He was adorned in a black and gold suit, accessorized with tie that had the print of a running rabbit. Ironically, however, his mask was not a rabbit, but instead, the gold and black face of a red fox.
Seeing him prompted everyone to look down at themselves.
Ragatha wore a beautiful blue and purple sleevless dress, dotted with white gemstones like stars in the night sky and accented with pink thread. Her hair noodled were tied back and held in place by a blue bow. Her mask was simple, just a sparkly purple mask with a feather on one side.
Gangle wore a smaller long-sleeved dress with a cute puffed base, shaped like a tulip. It was red and black, embroidered with white roses. She had a new mask, which she checked to see if it was detachable (it was); it was black with white smiling features and basic makeup painted on like eyeshadow and lipstick.
Pomni wore a red and blue gown style dress that didn't quite reach the floor. She also wore long, sparkly golden gloves that perfectly went with her golden mask... shaped like a rabbit. Pomni seemed to like it, until Jax made some snide comment to rile her up.
Kinger's appearance did not change aside from the addition of those plastic disguise glasses with the fake nose.
Zooble wore a white suit. It was very simple, aside from the bright red rose in the chest pocket.
Imagine yourself wearing whatever you want.
"Wow!" Ragatha chimed in, still unable to hide her grimace despite the cheerful tone. "Everyone looks so good!"
Gangle giggled softly, rephrasing what Caine had said earlier, "Remember to pair up!" She then grabbed Zooble's hand and ran away into the crowd.
"Well, since we're already matching," Jax said coyly, coming to lean on Pomni's head, "why don't we get this over with, PomPom?”
Pomni immediately turned away from him, saying something about how he was insufferable, only for him to shrug and say fine and try to walk away, and for her to grab him and walk off to “talk.” Jax looked back at you and shrugged with an eye roll.
That left three of you. Surprisingly, Kinger turned to Ragatha and put a hand on her shoulder.
“Come on, Ragatha, cheer up,” he said softly. “The fireflies look so beautiful.” He pointed up at the chandeliers. Ragatha laughed awkwardly.
“Oh.. yeah they do. I guess I’m just not one for dancing anymore.”
Suddenly possessing clarity, Kinger turned back to her and said, “Your past doesn’t exist here. I know your mom made you take dancing lessons, so you probably hate all this. But, if you were my daughter, I’d let you dance as badly as you want.”
Ragatha laughed, a small tear welling in her eye. You smiled at them.
“I wish you’d been my parent back then Kinger.”
“Oh. Well. I am now. Let’s have you make better memories. Besides! I saw a moth and I want to go catch it,” Kinger said, immediately pulling Ragatha into the crowd, toward a bright light with a moth flitting around it. You chuckled at them, happy, for a second, until you realized… you were alone.
Ah. You were alone. Right. Odd numbers. You weren’t upset that no one wanted to spend time with you, but… being alone certainly wasn’t the best outcome. It.. it did hurt, a little. Not that you were willing to admit it.
Right as your heart was beginning to sink into your stomach, you heard a voice, a familiar voice, right behind you.
“Y/n, my dear?”
You turned, and were surprised to see… Caine. He was dressed up for the masquerade too. Similar suit to what he usually wore.. but his colors matched perfectly with yours, even his hat and cane. He seemed.. apprehensive, almost, as if being there, holding out his hand to you as he did, was nerve wracking for him.
“Caine?? What are you doing here? You never join in adventures!” you asked with a quirked smile, tilting your head.
Caine awkwardly looked away and shifted before answering you.
“I know… but we had odd numbers, and I didn’t want you to feel left out,” he admitted, finally making eye contact with you. “So.. won’t you join me for a dance, my dear?”
You couldn’t help but grin. Your ringmaster was considerate, and the temptation to take his hand and accept his offer finally overcame you. Caine didn’t hesitate to whisk you away onto the ball room floor, just as the musicians began playing a new waltz.
Caine played the lead, moving you like an expert puppet master, twirling you and pulling you this way and that with precision.. but not without care. You were somewhat thankful for his firm lead, for you were distracted by his hands on your body, unable to think about much else other than how he held you hips and your hand, and the way his eyes scanned across your entire body, eventually meeting your eyes again.
“Caine,” you begin, drawing his attention to your words. He hummed in response. “Why don’t you join on more adventures?”
Caine spun you and pulled you close to him, your back to his chest, your body flush to his. You tensed for a moment, your heart fluttering in your chest. You hadn’t been this close to anyone since entering the circus. And the last person you thought your heart would flutter for was Caine! But.. he was surprisingly warm, and his hands, while firm holding you in a firm grasp, were gentle.
You didn’t even remember your question until he answered it, whispering to you as he was right next to you, in your ear.
“Well, simply, because they aren’t for me, my dear,” he replied, sending a chill down your spine. He then spun you back out, only connected by your hands, where you could see each other fully. “I make adventures for you.”
He pulled you back in, taking your other hand and just holding them for a moment, looking down at both of your hands.
“I’m not doing a good job, am I.”
You smiled at him softly, realizing how sad and worried he really was.
“Everyone seems to like this one so far,” you reply, trying to be encouraging.
“This one wasn’t my idea,” he admitted, looking away from you. “I have.. no idea how to make you all happy.”
You opened your mouth to say something, but he cleared his throat and pulled you back into dancing.
“But this isn’t about me!” he said with his typical chipper attitude. “This is about you, y/n! It’s my job to make sure you’re having fun!”
Caine did just that, dancing with you a little more, then taking you over to nibble on the tiny foods (he was extremely proud of those and was excited that you liked them), and going to admire the garden from the balcony. You passed the others at some point: Jax and Pomni were mid dance, in the middle of a high-tension argument; Zooble and Gangle slow danced and chit chatted with each other, both of them blushing and having a hard time meeting each others’ eyes. And Kinger switched between dragging Ragatha around to look at new bugs or try new things and hyping her up whenever she decided to dance or take him anywhere.
On the balcony, you took in the beautiful scene. A full moon in the sky, glowing fireflies dancing in the shadows, lanterns illuminating the corners of the garden. But, you were soon pulled to a different view, of Caine leaning on the railing. Since when were you so... drawn to him? Since when did you find him... rather handsome? Since when did you want him to look at you, want him to take your hand again, want him to hold your hips again?
He glanced over at you, noticing your wide-eyed, blushing expression. "Are you alright, my dear? You seem a bit flushed."
My dear. Oh, since when did that sound so good?
You quickly looked away, cleared your throat, and redirected. Something he said during the dance still weighed on your mind.
"Um, Caine," you began, eliciting another hum from him. "You... really don't know how to make us happy?"
Caine's expression became sad and he looked back toward the garden. He sighed.
"I know you all find it hard to believe, since after all, I am the all-seeing ringmaster of this Amazing Digital Circus," he replied, spinning to gesture to everything around. "But.. I.. have to admit. I'm starting to wonder if it's possible at all. Or, if.. what if I'm..."
As his voice trailed off and he stared ahead of him, certain features of the world around you began to glitch softly. You looked around at the faltering environment, then back at him, seeing him spiral into anxiety, his hands gripping the rail tightly, his shoulders tense.
Gently, you reached out and put a hand on his shoulder. Instantly, his mind returned. He looked to you with surprise, his grip on the railing loosening, and the stiffness dissipating from his body.
"What if I told you," you began, wondering if you should even finish your sentence, "that... tonight, you've been making me really happy."
Caine turned to face you, looking you up and down before asking, "Really?"
"Yeah--
"I mean, I've been trying really hard, and, I want things to be perfect, especially because you were left alone, and I just--"
"Caine, stop," you interrupt his rambling with a soft laugh. "Maybe, I can help you learn how to make adventures the others will like. Maybe you just need an insider on how humans think?"
Caine visibly thought about it, then grabbed you into a hug, spinning you up into the air with excitement.
"Y/n, you're brilliant!" he praised, gently bringing both of you back down to the ground. "I think having you help me understand the others is a wonderful idea!"
You heard him but were too distracted by him holding you still that you couldn't answer him at first. He seemed to notice, and he quietly, carefully let go, stepping back. But.. he did take your hand, asking with a glance if that was ok. You responded by grabbing his hand in return, giving him a smile, and he relaxed slightly.
"I hope I can make them happy," he said with a sigh, still staring at you. You gave his hand a gentle squeeze.
"Maybe for now, making me happy is a good start."
Some kind of twinkle appeared in Caine's eyes. He made you happy. He made you happy!
"You.. you make me happy too, y/n."
You seemed surprised at that, and he only laughed and changed the subject.
"You know, i had a whole plotline planned out for this," Caine mused, looking at the garden and then at you. "But now, I think I would rather spend the whole adventure just talking and dancing with you. If, you don't mind, my dear."
You couldn't help but grin at him, which he noticed and moved closer to you.
"Does that make you happy?" he asked.
"Yes, Caine. Just... spending time with you is making me happy!" you replied. "I.. I'm really glad you decided to join me."
"As am I, my dear. Would you join me for another dance?"
"I'd love to!"
As Caine guided the two of you back inside, he glanced at you and said, under is breath as if you weren't meant to hear it,
"My, you look beautiful."
You pretended not to hear, too enthralled by your situation and the ringmaster leading the way to care much about anything else. Everything else be damned. This would keep you sane.
Since this was originally an idea for my multi-part fanfic, whatever I end up doing there (I have an idea already) I will make into two different x-reader fanfics, one featuring Caine (obviously, he's my favorite) and another with Jax. If I get around to it obviously.
The God of the Artificial: a TADC self insert fanfic
Be warned. This is blatant self-indulgence. This is why my blog is titled "disaster obsessions." I'm just making it exist so it doesn't drive me crazy. Enjoy, if you want!
PART SEVEN: True Character
warning, this one is also long. And weirder. Probably.
...
...
They gathered at one of their seating areas, taking to the couches. Jax leaned on arm of one, his typical smile having retreated and dark circles having taken up residence under his eyes. Ragatha sat slouched on a couch, slumped with an expression of worry but too much exhaustion to freak out about it. Gangle sat nearby, her notebook in her lap, unopened, for while her comedy mask was in tact, she could not bring herself to sketch even a little. Zooble leaned on the back of the couch where Gangle sat, vacantly trying to focus on a thought that kept swimming around their triangular head. Kinger sat on the ground, vibrating with anxiety that he felt without knowing or understanding the cause, his eyes flicking around like he were seeing things all around him. Pomni sat nearest to Ragatha, at the edge of her seat, her legs kicking absently as she wrung her hands, looking back and forth at all of the others, unable to conjure anything to break the disturbed silence.
Nearby, but seperate from the group, Lupa laid on the floor, limbs as far extended from her body as possible. She switched between staring wide-eyed at the ceiling and shutting her eyes as if she were enduring immense pain.
Occasionally, one of the others would glance her way... but they could not address her. They did not know what to say. Lupa could not sense them looking her way. It was as if all of her senses were overwhelmed... as if she were the only one underwater, her ears full, her eyes unable to focus, a heavy pressure on her chest and bones.
Jax finally broke the silence with a frustrated scoff.
"She's gotta be crazy," he grumbled at the group, pointing to Lupa over his shoulder and speaking softly so she wouldn't hear. "She's on Kinger's level at this point."
The others looked between he and Lupa for a moment.
"I... don't know..." Ragatha said, rubbing her arm. "She's been doing really well. Much better than.. well, sorry Pomni, but she's been doing much better than Pomni did when she arrived."
Pomni glanced at Ragatha tiredly. "I thought I was normal..."
"You were. Everyone freaks out about it.. except for her," Zooble said, gesturing vaguely at Lupa on the floor. "But, maybe it's not about that. There's no way someone like her would have a mental collapse like this and not abstract."
"Uh.. what do you mean, Zooble?" Gangle asked in a near whisper, glancing up at them.
"Hasn't it been obvious to you guys? Lupa's been through some kind of... training or something that keeps her very calm under a lot of pressure. I thought after the warship episode that would've been obvious to you guys," they said with a shrug. "I honestly think she's onto to something, or there's something more to it."
Jax did remember how Lupa seemed on the ship. How focused she was, how she acted like it was second nature. He did remember it, but he figured getting on Zooble's nerves would be funnier.
"Wow, Zooble, didn't take you as one for stereotyping," Jax said, a slight devious smile returning to him as Zooble narrowed their eyes at him. "You really think because she looks like a war hero action figure that she was in the army, huh?"
"Maybe she was, maybe she wasn't, who cares," Zooble responded. "My statement still stands. I don't think the Circus can break her, at least not in any way it could break us."
Jax shrugged. "Us? Who is us? Ah, as long as she likes violence and has a sense of humor, I don't care what she is."
"I.. think Zooble and Ragatha are right about Lupa," Gangle spoke up, nervously looking at Jax and rubbing her ribbons along the edges of her notebook.
"Oh yeah, and whys that?" Jax replied with a snide smirk, crossing his arms as a challenge.
"Because.. I saw a glitch recently. And then, in the most recent adventure, everything was corrupted and the ship glitched," Gangle explained, shyly looking everywhere but at Jax and fidgeting with her notebook even more. "If what Lupa said to Ragatha about her gimmick is true... it's possible Lupa can see more about the glitches than we can."
"That would drive anyone crazy," Kinger, who had been completely silence, said with panic and seriousness, only to fall immediately silent again and make no follow up despite everyone staring at him.
"Regardless of what's really going on, what can we do about it anyway?" Pomni asked the group. "I mean.. realistically, if what Lupa told Ragatha about Caine not being himself is true, what can we do about it? Caine is basically God here."
"That's the problem."
Everyone jumped upon hearing Lupa's voice. They hadn't notice her approaching them.
"He isn't the God of the Digital Circus."
Everyone stared at her. Pomni tilted her head so far it looked like it would fall right off her shoulders.
"W-whaaaaa--"
"Caine does have limitations. Ones that he knows about, and some that he doesn't," Lupa said, rubbing her face tiredly. Jax looked her up and down and made a mental note to himself that she looked worse than him.
"What are you saying..?" Zooble questioned with a raised brow.
"I'm saying, Caine is bound to this place, and the laws of this place, the same way we are. But, something from outside the Circus, well... that wouldn't be."
"Go on.."
"I think.. I think something else is here, and whatever it is has.. somehow removed Caine and replaced him."
"He's dead?! Oh thank god," Zooble sighed with relief.
"Uh, no, he isn't. I can tell that much.. barely," Lupa corrected apologetically. "Sorry." Zooble swore and crossed their arms angrily.
"Hey, wolfie," Jax said smartly, waving at Lupa to get her attention. "Bigger question here should be why we should want to do anything about this in the first place. What's so bad about having a new Caine anyway? None of us liked the old one."
"I hate to agree with Jax, but.." Zooble added with a shrug.
Lupa shook her head. "I.. never really considered that option. But, I can tell our Caine is better than this one. I--"
She froze and spaced out, trying to think of the next words to say. How could she explain the way the circus was dripping in crude oil and festering in every crevice when they couldn't see or sense it? To them, this seemed like a blessing almost. At worst, a change. They couldn't sense the fabric of the circus. They wouldn't understand.
She regained awareness and looked around at them all. "I can't explain it. If you want to take my word for it, you can, but you don't have to. I will be trying to figure this out."
"Fine by me," Jax said with a yawn. "I'm going to get some sleep. Since when could we feel tired? Hah!"
As everyone dispersed, Lupa made her way over to the stage. She sat down on the floor in front of it, focusing intently with her intuition, trying to "feel" the Circus as deeply as she could.
In the hall of rooms, everyone remained silent, wondering in their own minds questions without answers.
"You know," Kinger spoke, breaking the silence, drawing everyone's attention, "it's probably a virus."
"What? A virus? In the Digital Circus?"
"Well, it is digital."
"Well... what does that mean for the Circus?" Ragatha asked.
"What does what mean?"
Jax sighed and put his hands on his temples, shaking his head.
"Let me get this straight. A supposed 'virus' has entered the circus and been slowly corrupting it? Is that what Kinger's vague, spontaneous consciousness was trying to tell us?"
"I thought stuff like that only happened in movies," Gangle whimpered.
"Well, since you've forgotten, now's a good time to remind everyone that we're literally cartoon characters. Our lives are basically one bad comedy show!" Jax snapped, flailing his arms for dramatic effect.
"Well... it's possible, I guess," Pomni said, recalling what Caine had said when they originally argued for Lupa's freedom.
"W-well... she's a virus! Yes, Lupa is a virus! An invader in our humble digital utopia!"
"Caine, we both know she's a human."
"Can the circus even have a virus?" Pomni asked quietly, and no one heard her.
"How would you know?" Caine said, pointing his cane accusingly. "You think viruses can't lie?"
"Caine did try to lie and say Lupa was a virus, which implies they can exist in the circus," Pomni said with a thoughtful shrug. "And Kinger is surprisingly knowledgeable about the circus too."
"Alright, fine!" Jax said, as if the words were a struggle to get out. "If that's true, my same question still stands. How is this our problem?? What are we gunna do? Go kill it??"
Everyone glanced around at each other and then all looked at Jax.
"Oh my god you can't be serious."
...
"Why hello, my dear!" Caine's voice boomed as he appeared before the wolfish seventh wheel.
Lupa opened one eye and looked at him. All of the rest of her focus was elsewhere. She did not speak, but instead simply stared at him. But not at him. Through him.
"My my my, Lupa, what's with that face," Caine said, almost.. charmingly, swooping down to be nearer to her, laying in the air and propping his toothy head up with a fist.
Lupa shut her eye, her ears slowly adjusting to a different placement... not focused on him at all.
"Be quiet," she hissed. "I'm listening for a pulse."
Caine did remain silent for a moment. His invasive gaze swept her up and down, taking in her every detail. She either didn't notice or didn't care, because she never focused on him in that time.
"Look, my dear," Caine began, switching positions to be 'sitting down' as if in some kind of conference meeting with her, "I know we got off to a bad start and all... but I realize now what value you have. With your.. human touch.. we can improve the circus exponentially. And, I've seen inside that little head of yours."
Caine moved very close to her, getting right next to her ear.
"I know how much you love control," he purred.
Lupa's eyes shot open at that, and she looked at him sideways with disgust and astonishment. But her ears remained focused elsewhere. Caine pulled back and observed her again, and he noticed the tilt of her focus... utter hatred flooding him instantly. Sensing it, one of her ears shifted forward, but only for a second.
Caine cleared his throat. "My dear, won't you hear me out. What sort of pulse would you be looking for? Only the other humans have hearts like you, but they are nowhere to be found. Not that you need them. Not when I can make you.. the God of the Digital Circus."
He did have one thing right, she knew. The other human characters did have hearts, or something that made a thump in their chests. The others were approaching, actually, from behind her somewhere.
Lupa's ears slowly, cautiously, moved to focus on him and him alone.
"Ah," she hummed, "the heart was right in front of me all along."
Caine watched her rise to her feet, and he grew excited that his monologuing worked. He knew she was perfect. Brave, cunning, clever... with the need to feel in control. What better person to make such an offer to.
"Lupa!" Pomni called to her as the others came into view. Lupa glanced over her shoulder at her and the others, who seemed scared and urgent. "Lupa, it's a virus!"
Lupa stepped back to be closer to the group as Caine began bargaining and coaxing and trying to get her back to him. "It's me," he said, "your ringmaster."
"Enough," Lupa growled, taking a defensive stance in front of the others. As she spoke, she progressively grew angrier. "You know less than you think. I knew from the start that you weren't Caine. There are no gods in the Digital Circus, as even Caine is governed by underlying code. And you're wrong, there is someone in the circus who has a heart but is not human. And your worst mistake of all, Caine has never once called me, my dear." She growled, low and threatening, her lips curling ever so slightly... the first time the others could remember seeing her fangs. Except for Pomni, who immediately remembered.. a very bad dream. "The real Caine is afraid of being replaced. The last thing he would do is offer me, or anyone in this circus, godhood in his own domain."
The others were taken aback by Lupa's speech. The virus, however, had seen enough.
"My dear, I can't believe you'd say these things while he can hear you!" he said, snapping his fingers and summoning a cartoonish metal cage in the air near him. Everyone gasped as Caine, the real Caine supposedly, grabbed the metal bars and tried to break free... and couldn't. He expression was of fear and desperation, things they'd seen before, but... not like this.
"What should I care?" Lupa growled, snapping her jaw. "The real Caine doesn't like me anyway." But she glanced up at the real Caine and back at the virus hovering before her. "That said," she whispered, "I respect him."
Lupa stepped forward, shifting her stance from defending her friends to threatening the virus. The virus moved back, and, still using a copy of Caine's body, waggled a finger at her.
"Ah, ah, ah, my dear, you know what it will take to even begin to try and take me on." Lupa froze at his words, her eyes going wide. "And you wouldn't want them to see the gimmick of yours you've been hiding from them, would you?"
Lupa looked down at her hand, remembering the ship and the orca, remembering the static, remembering, for just a split second before she lost it again, the moments before her entry into the circus.
Then, she looked back at them. A Ragatha, Pomni, Kinger, Zooble, Gangle, and Jax. Her eyes swept over them all, taking in how they looked at her. With worry. With fear. With apprehension. With dislike. With knowledge. With familiarity.
Lupa looked back at the virus.
"I'm f*#k@d up in a lot of ways," she hissed, her ears falling back as she bared her teeth even more and her low growl got louder, more animalistic. "But I am nothing if not my instincts, and my loyalty."
The virus narrowed its eyes at her and the body of Caine is had morphed into slowly melted like candle wax, turning thick and dark and sludge-like, like crude oil... yet it developed sharp features as well, spines and horns and a gaping tooth-filled mouth of some horrible kind. It was huge, much bigger than Lupa, towering over her as she was now just a fraction of its size.
"This is my home," Lupa declared to it, "these are my people, including Caine. I will defend them, any means necessary."
The virus snarled at her, bubbling and spitting its slick.
"Even...?" it implied.
Lupa bared full fangs, letting out a vicious, feral snarl, all of her built of fury coming to a head, the tip of the spear her piercing gaze, accompanied by massive teeth and sharp claws. For just a second, she calmed, breathing heavily through bared teeth, smiling like a villain, her ears shifting mechanically to face forward.
"Aw. Go on. Kill me. You still think you can."
At that, the virus shrieked and surged toward her, causing everyone to shout her name and reach out for her as it encompassed and smothered her. Caine in the cage tried even harder to escape, but the others... they couldn't get any closer, seemingly held back by some invisible wall.
The virus fell away from Lupa, revealing her to be standing, like an action figure.
"I'm sorry, guys," she croaked out, her voice weak and sorrow. "I guess... I have nothing left to hide." She glanced over her shoulder back at them, and they gasped and tensed at the sight.. multiple eyes covered her face, now dark and turbulent like a sea absent of all light.
"Lupa!" Ragatha cried, tears willing up in her eye.
"She's... abstracting," Kinger whispered.. and then hummed throughtfully. "I wonder..."
"Oh noooo..." Gangle whimpered.
Jax, Zooble, and Pomni didn't speak. They couldn't react beyond their facial expressions and shock.
Then, Pomni whispered, "I recognize you."
Lupa turned back to the virus as slowly more and more of her body was overcome with abstraction until she was fully gone, nothing but darkness and glowing eyes that grew and morphed into a large, looming beast on four legs, now about half of the virus' size.
Then, the abstraction... retreated from her body, pulling back into her eyes, as if it had never been there at all, displaying an alternate version of the Lupa they knew, one that walked on four legs, one that acted in anger and bared massive fangs, one with eyes like a hunter, and an impulse to kill.
"Ah," Kinger said, tilting to the side. "That's new."
This new, dehumanized version of Lupa seemed incapable of hearing them, her focus on killing the virus having become an insatiable need.
"What?" Jax shouted. "She's been hiding this from us?! The whole time! Ugh! But this is literally awesome!"
They all jumped away as the Lupa now beast charged into the virus, slamming it into the ground, causing the entire environment to glitch as the virus was weakened.
Above, Caine's cage glitched too, and he immediately took the opportunity to escape.
"Come on, superstars," he said as he swooped down to the crew of characters, who seemed surprised to see him, "let's get you all to a safe place where we can still see the action! And be sure to cheer for our friend Lupa!" He snapped his fingers and teleported them to a catwalk higher up, and they immediately took to the rail to watch, not bothering to question Caine.
Lupa circled the virus, scanning it with electric green eyes. Until, she seemed to see something she liked, and she charged again, this time with an unhinged jaw. She bit down on the virus, it oozing from her mouth, out between her teeth, and it howled and shrieked, first like it were really there, and then, as she shook it, like a digital fluke, the glitching spiking as she snapped her jaws the whole way down and flung its head from its body.
It virus stopped moving. And instantly, as if it had never existed, it despawned out of existence entirely with a pop.
Caine snapped his fingers again and he and the other characters spawned near Lupa, where they had been before. The hulking, exhausted wolf slowly turned to them, approaching calmly. Pomni took a step toward her, separating herself from the group.
As abstraction began to take hold, seeping from one of Lupa's eyes again, Pomni reached up to touch the unabstracted side of her face.
"I.. I'm sorry I was scared of you."
The wolf shut its eyes, and the abstraction took her over completely. Pomni watched, stepping back with the others. They watched in awe as it shrank and twisted, and then, instantly vaporized as opposed to receding like last time, revealing a normal Lupa just standing there, as they remembered her. Her ears were relaxed, and her face was sunken with exhaustion. But, she smiled at them softly.
"I'm sorry," she croaked, her smile falling. "I knew I could do that. I was hiding it beccause, I thought--"
She was interrupted by Ragatha jumping to hug her. Then, she was joined by Gangle... and Kinger. Pomni smiled at her and gently touched her hand. Zooble walked over and put a hand on her shoulder with a nod. And Jax, he.. he folded his arms and shook his head and said with a grin, "I just can't believe you'd hide something that cool from us. Freaky, for sure. But pretty cool, I'll admit."
As everyone let go and fell away from Lupa, Pomni noticed her expression and quietly asked, "Lupa? Are you feeling ok?"
Lupa heaved a sigh. "I'm just tired. And in a lot of pain."
"Makes sense," Kinger hummed. "Your body did just go through a tremendous metamorphosis. Like a butterfly!"
The sound of someone clearing their throat drew everyone's attention to Caine... the real Caine this time, who awkwardly floated nearby, clutching his cane and struggling to make eye contact with Lupa.
"Um, Lupa," he began, shifting to move a little closer to her. "I would.. like to say a few things." Lupa was too exhausted to react and simply watched his fidget with his cane, and his gloves, and his collar. "I know.. you and I didn't exactly get off on the right foot. So. I'd like to apologize. I now see you for who you truly are, as a person, and I realize how wrong I was to treat you so differently... especially when you are so.. adventurous." He paused, somewhat expecting Lupa to say something or stop him, but she did not, so he continued. "I just... I want to say I'm sorry, and that I would like it if you and I were... friends. Or, at least on better terms."
Lupa smiled vaguely. "Did I actually kill the virus or...?"
Caine scrambled to say he was the real him, but Lupa only chuckled and nodded lightly and said, "Caine.. I know."
Everyone began chatting quietly about how today's, uh, 'in-house adventure' seemed to have turned out well. Aside from still being tired. Jax complained about it instantly. "I thought it was the virus, but I'm still tired? What's up with that!"
Lupa finally broke down, stumbling forward, and collapsing. Just before she hit the ground, Caine caught her, instead gently lowering her to the ground and examining her with his eyes.
"Lupa?" Pomni said, rushing over with Ragatha and Zooble. Everyone gathered around Lupa, unconscious in Caine's arms.
"Caine, what's wrong?" Zooble asked with concern, kneeling down.
"I, I'm not sure. But she doesn't seem in particularly poor health despite her condition and recent events," he said, looking around at the others. "I think maybe... she was just... tired. Matter of fact, you all look exhausted. Go get some sleep, my superstars. I will take care of Lupa, and I'll see you all tomorrow."
He was right. He was too right and they were too tired to argue with him, not that they really wanted to.
As they all retreated to their rooms, Caine snapped his fingers, gently teleporting himself and Lupa into Lupa's room. Gently, he scooped her up and placed her in her bed and went to leave. But, right before he did, he hesitated for a moment, his hand on the doorhandle. He looked back at her.
"Thank you, Lupa," Caine said softly. Then, he left, closing her door gently behind him.
And for the first time since any of them could remember, they had dreamless sleep that actually cured how tired they had become.
But the underlying issues of life in the Amazing Digital Circus were not yet cured, and everyday, there would be yet another brand new adventure.
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