i hardly listen to k-pop anymore, so i’m not sure why jonghyun’s death is affecting me as much as it is. it really didn’t hit me until the next day when i was alone and wondering what his final thoughts were.
how long had he been planning this?
how many times did he attempt this before?
did he second guess himself once he started?
or did he sit comfortably waiting for it to happen?
what was he thinking?
were his eyes closed?
and then you find out that he went to the convinence store around the time he texted his sister his final goodbye. bought some cigarettes, some snacks. almost as if he still wasn’t sure he was going to go through with it.
and that thought really fucks me up.
but then i started digging deeper. listened to the lyrics of every song he’s ever written. going back to old interviews. scrolling through his instagram. re-reading his suicide letter three times over...
finding out that he handed nine9 the letter on the last day of his final concert: december 10th. yet he didn’t do it until december 18th.
after looking through all of that, it’s blatant that he had been thinking of doing this even before the 10th. which makes me wonder if he really was looking for an out during that last convinence store trip. he had held out for 8 days already. he really could’ve been looking for a reason to hold out for a couple more.
i wasn’t expecting to cry watching his coffin be moved from the funeral hall to the burial ground.
i really wasn’t.
but then i started thinking about what his final thoughts were again. and then i started thinking about these hectic last two weeks and-
-don’t ever try to put yourself in the head of someone who has committed suicide. especially if you understand those thoughts.
it’s not healthy.
“it’s alright if you run out of breath, no one will blame you-
-you did a really good job.”
