My therapist gave me ongoing homework to draw every emotion on the feelings wheel. This is 4 overlapping ones ( tbf I only have 100 pages with 120 emotions).
But Harryās anger at Snape continued to pound through his veins like venom. Let go of his anger? He could as easily detach his legs. . . .
This is the first Occlumency lesson. Harry is right, of course. Feelings donāt go away because you want them to. To let go of them when theyāve not been addressed or validated can be as hard as detaching a leg. And yet, itās what Dumbledore asked Snape to do, and itās what Snape had to do to survive the first war as Dumbledoreās spy. You have to ask yourselfā¦ how?
Trapped animals chew off their own legs to escape. Itās a sacrifice they make to survive.
If thereās one thing in a fic that turns me off it, itās the idea that Occlumency shields are a thing, that Severus was so gifted at it because heās got some power like Second Sight or being a metamorphagus. I always preferred to think of Occlumency and Legilimency as skills that can be learned, even if some have more aptitude for it than others.
Severus entered Hogwarts with the kind of life experience that primed him for developing these skills, and left it with even more. Occlumency is magical dissociation, a post-traumatic coping mechanism, and Severus has C/PTSD. More under the cut; tw: just general angst.
To survive, he would have had to develop a knack for telling how explosive and unpredictable people feel. Over his life, he faced at least two egregious examples of what Pete Walker, author of āComplex PTSDā calls āthe Charming Bullyā.
Especially devolved fight types can become sociopathic. Sociopathy can range along a continuum that stretches from corrupt politician to vicious criminal. A particularly nasty sociopath, who I call the charming bully, probably falls somewhere around the middle of this continuum. The charming bully behaves in a friendly manner some of the time. He can even occasionally listen and be helpful in small amounts, but he still uses his contempt to overpower and control others. This type typically relies on scapegoats for the dumping of his vitriol. These unfortunate scapegoats are typically weaker than him. [ā¦] He generally spares his favorites from this behavior, unless they get out of line. If the charming bully is charismatic enough, those close to him will often fail to register the unconscionable meanness of his scapegoating. The bullyās favorites often slip into denial, relieved that they are not the target. Especially charismatic bullies may even be admired and seen as great.
These would be James Potter and Tom Riddle, who are distantly related, I might add. Harry inherited the tendency to default to the fight response, but since he grew up the scapegoat and not the golden child, he never becomes quite as appalling, and after all, a fight response is normal when they are after you. Even so, Harry, who has both James and Voldemort inside him, triggers Severus to no end. Itās not a coincidence that the memories Harry sees when he is with him are largely horrible, and vice versa. There had to be happy or at least neutral or even boring moments, but these two detest each other, and they know they detest each other. Negative emotions and associated memories are so close to the surface they canāt be contained. This is the purpose of the Pensieve in this context - to contain the emotions. Since Severus knew what was in there when he pulled Harry out, my theory is that you donāt suddenly forget the memories you placed there, but rather you make them less fraught with emotions.
āGet up!ā said Snape sharply. āGet up! You are not trying, you are making no effort, you are allowing me access to memories you fear, handing me weapons!ā
Harry stood up again, his heart thumping wildly as though he had really just seen Cedric dead in the graveyard. Snape looked paler than usual, and angrier, though not nearly as angry as Harry was. āI ā am ā making ā an ā effort,ā he said through clenched teeth.
āI told you to empty yourself of emotion!ā
āYeah? Well, Iām finding that hard at the moment,ā Harry snarled.
āThen you will find yourself easy prey for the Dark Lord!ā said Snape savagely. āFools who wear their hearts proudly on their sleeves, who cannot control their emotions, who wallow in sad memories and allow themselves to be provoked this easily ā weak people, in other words ā they stand no chance against his powers! He will penetrate your mind with absurd ease, Potter!ā
A lot to unpack here.
āMemories you fear,ā āweaponsā, āeasy preyā.
Fearing your own memories, viewing your own lived experiences as weapons to be used against you, being easy preyā¦ Severus could not be speaking louder of himself here. He is the one whose mind had been penetrated with absurd ease, he is the one who handed weapons to Voldemort, and he is the one who had to do the psychological equivalent of detaching his own leg ā again and again ā to survive.
Iāll argue that Severus developed a fawn response and a flight response, as fighting had never really worked out for him if it was possible at all. He had at least two more people Iād describe as bullies in his life, Tobias and Lucius.
Again from Pete Walker:
These [fawn] response patterns are so deeply set in the psyche, that as adults, many codependents automatically respond to threat like dogs, symbolically rolling over on their backs, wagging their tails, hoping for a little mercy and an occasional scrap. Websterās second entry for fawn is: āto show friendliness by licking hands, wagging its tail, etc.: said of a dog.ā I find it tragic that some codependents are as loyal as dogs to even the worst āmastersā.
Remember what Sirius called him? Luciusās lapdog. Bellatrix called him Dumbledoreās pet, Dumbledore said he dangles on Voldemortās arm, the narrative compares Snape to a rabbit in SWM and Harry compares the Half Blood Prince to a beloved pet who had gone feral (yes, this does mean a lot to me on a personal level, yes my username is not a coincidence).
His unconscious fawn response might have been his undoing, drawn as he was to figures like Lucius and Voldemort. As an adult, I think he utilized the skills he had developed to survive in order to stitch these people up, and involuntary dissociation and fawning became Occlumency, which to me, is his signature magic. Harry needed only to banish Voldemort from his mind; Severus could not settle for this. He had to give Voldemort something, and knowing how to fawn meant knowing what to give him and how to draw himself in such a light that Voldemort would believe it. We see how he wanted to be seen by the Death Eaters: a self-serving coward who sought to hide behind Dumbledoreās apron, playing his pet. But thatās Pettigrew, not Snape. Imagine the self-immolation, the self-violation, it must have taken to convince everyone that youāre an ersatz Wormtail! Snape is a man and a prince, and the text recognizes this as Harry calls him, in the end, Dumbledoreās man, the bravest man, and as that chapter is called āThe Princeās Taleā. Voldemort thought Snape was nothing more than a āgood and faithful servant,ā and that his last words were āMy Lordā.
But Severus had an unequaled gift for Occlumency, specifically against Voldemort, because Voldemort could not legilimens what he couldnāt feel; and he couldnāt feel love, grief, guilt, and remorse. This was Severusās secret weapon, which would not have worked against Harry - who can feel these things, and who is also Lilyās son. I can prove it. The first time Harry gets the hang of Occlumency is after Dobby dies:
His scar burned, but he was master of the pain; he felt it, yet was apart from it. He had learned control at last, learned to shut his mind to Voldemort, the very thing Dumbledore had wanted him to learn from Snape. Just as Voldemort had not been able to possess Harry while Harry was consumed with grief for Sirius, so his thoughts could not penetrate Harry now, while he mourned Dobby. Grief, it seemed, drove Voldemort out . . . though Dumbledore, of course, would have said that it was love. . . .
Harry learned to dissociate, though fortunately in a healthier way than many of us ever get to.
Of course, Snape was a good and faithful servantā¦ to Dumbledore, which brings us to the flight response. The chapter wherein he escapes after killing Dumbledore is called āFlight of the Princeā. He should be fighting, he had just proven that he can cast a killing curse, and yet he flees. He can literally fly, in fact: He, Lily, and Voldemort are the only ones we see pulling this off.
As a child, we see this too: He copes with his home situation by reminding himself āit wonāt be long and Iāll be gone.ā He is thrilled when he imagines Hogwarts, his escape; he follows Lily out of the carriage instead of confronting James and Sirius head-on (which might have saved them all a lot of pain eventually). But this doesnāt work out, we see that in terrifying detail. The next attempt at an escape is joining the Death Eaters, but this too doesnāt work out.
He canāt flee anymore.
āSeverus, you cannot pretend this isnāt happening!ā Karkaroffās voice sounded anxious and hushed, as though keen not to be overheard. āItās been getting clearer and clearer for months. I am becoming seriously concerned, I canāt deny it āā
āThen flee,ā said Snapeās voice curtly. āFlee ā I will make your excuses. I, however, am remaining at Hogwarts.ā
Shortly thereafter:
āSeverus,ā said Dumbledore, turning to Snape, āyou know what I must ask you to do. If you are ready . . . if you are prepared . . .ā
āI am,ā said Snape.
He looked slightly paler than usual, and his cold, black eyes glittered strangely.
He was ready, and he was prepared. He didnāt fly; he walked toward what might well have been his end with open eyes, armed only with the strength of his mind. Before Voldemort killed him, he looked pale, again, and terrified.
āI sought a third wand, Severus. The Elder Wand, the Wand of Destiny, the Deathstick. I took it from its previous master. I took it from the grave of Albus Dumbledore.ā
And now Snape looked at Voldemort, and Snapeās face was like a death mask. It was marble white and so still that when he spoke, it was a shock to see that anyone lived behind the blank eyes.
I ask myself if this was the moment he realized he had been betrayed, that by giving Dumbledore a painless death he had secured his own. Maybe he wasnāt pale because he was scared; maybe he was pale because he was shocked. He was at his absolute limit, Occluding with all his might when he could have easily saved himself. The dam is about to break. All the memories he feared, all the weapons, the entire content of his heart is about to spill through - literally.
He fawned for Voldemort, the worst of all possible masters, but in the end, he was Voldemortās undoing. All the ways in which he was weak and powerless against Tobias, James, Lucius, et al., proved to be part of goodness and source of his power. It doesnāt surprise me in the least that Snape is so loved. Iāve never actually seen such love for any other fictional character. He represents a kind of courage that many of us need to get by, lest we simply become evil or give the fuck up (āI wish I was deadā). A kind of courage rarely celebrated. The more time Iāve spent in the fandom in general and in the Snapedom in particular, the more I am convinced of this.
finally a fully rendered matsuda piece. happy matsuda monday!
im currently on episode 6 of the 2015 live action series (NOT the netflix movie, though i will be watching that for shits and giggles) and while it is very very different from the anime, i can confidently say that i really really like it š ESPECIALLY matsuda. hes so perfect and precious and they NAILED his hair. this is him dressed as misa for her girl group ichigo-berry (i think thats what its called in the show? it isnt in the anime so im not as knowledgable about it) and this picture was so precious and beautiful i had to draw it this week. also im reading phm rn. completely unrelated but i love it so far ^_^
hi everyone so ages ago i translated watari's diary from the movie tie-in material L File No. 15 (sourced from this post by @mikami) but i just realized i never posted it here?? of all places??? so here you go! i recommend reading this translation along with the screenshots from that post since there are pictures that i did not bother actually including.
(spoilers for the live action films!)
---
QUILLISH WAMMY'S DIARY
The following diary was included in the discovered files. It is thought to have been written by Quillish Wammy (who is said to have gone by "Watari" while acting as L's intermediary), but as with the previous files, it contains information of dubious veracity.
May 7, 1973
Recently, I find myself thinking idle thoughts.
The metal I invented, which is superconducting under 28.7Ā°C, is now used in 87% of electrical cables worldwide. It has brought me great wealth. Too much to know what to do with, I feel. No matter how much money I accumulate, there is no way to buy a human life, so I can't imagine any interesting way I could spend it.
May 12, 1973
Today, I had a revelation.
My talents mainly skew towards the sciences, and there are many things I can do with them, but also many things I cannot. But what if I use my wealth and my enthusiasm to raise new talents?
Then there will certainly be one or two who can achieve things I cannot.
Extremely interesting. To what extent can humans cultivate their talents? This is what I should dedicate the rest of my life to finding out.
I will gather children with talent and intelligence from all over the world ā the brain develops very quickly from ages 9 to 13, so children around that age range should work best ā and educate them thoroughly.
Eventually, I believe, they will be able to change the world.
Perhaps I will call the institution Wammy's House.
[Notes on the children]
F: Strong sense of justice, and quick to action ā which is why he can make mistakes.
R: Has recently shown interest in astronomy. Has fallen asleep while looking through a telescope before, and thus contracted a cold. Twice.
K: Talented in multiple fields. Has perfectly understood almost everything I teach. I have not yet determined which area she is most skilled in ā very exciting.
*1 (T/N: shaky translation): Many researchers have reason to believe members of Wammy's House are referred to by single letters of the alphabet. However, there is no consensus as to what extent these nicknames were used. Some suggest only Quillish Wammy and the person themselves recognized the nickname.
February 23, 1987
Today, I have learned a lesson.
Sometimes an overly nurtured talent goes beyond the will of the person who nurtured it. [T/N: I genuinely can't tell if he's talking about the kid raising their talent or Watari raising the kid]
K has left Wammy's House of her own volition. This is the first time something like this has happened since I founded Wammy's House.
I feel a strong sense of loss.
---
[Notes on the children, 2]
D: Mainly talented in physics. Frequently smashes radio-controlled models, possibly to conduct their own experiments. The degree of destruction is being monitored.
P: Often found with their nose buried in a novel. I think I will try teaching them psychology once they are a little older. It would be nice if they showed some interest in profiling.
L: Invests in stocks. Clearly talented, but so far an unknown variable.
July 10, 1994
Currently, out of all the children, L holds most of my interest.
While he does show interest in existing fields of study, he is even more enthusiastic about using his own methods (adjacent to statistics) to make deductions. Right now, he is spending the most time on criminal investigations. He is working against actual human beings, which is why the cases are so complex and difficult to unravelā¦ He seems immensely fascinated by this.
L, when in pursuit of an objective, is able to immediately determine the necessary information.
L. You are my hope.
August 13, 2005
L has selected FBI agent Naomi Misora for the Los Angeles B.B. Murder Cases. It seems he did so in recognition of her bravery and deductive abilities.
L dislikes unnecessary physical exertion, since he wants to keep his mind functioning as quickly as possible.
Thus, he has to rely on others to act as his agents on the scene. Naomi is reliable.
[A photo of Naomi, along with the text:]
Naomi Misora
FBI Investigator
Achieved investigator status unusually quickly
Specialty: Marksmanship
Intelligent and passionate
---
February 26, 2006
I was present at an ICPO conference today.
The focus was exclusively on the "Kira case."
Criminals all over the world are dying of simultaneous heart attacks.
Some members of the public might call this "judgment," but it is murder.
L is very intrigued by this new type of crime.
*2: The Kira case, as detailed in the other files, refers to the phenomenon where criminals globally die of simultaneous heart attacks. Rumors flew around the Internet claiming that "'Kira' is our savior and carries out justice," and the name was attached to the phenomenon even though this was not actually proven yet. Since the case affected the entire world and was growing in momentum rapidly, the ICPO's response was necessarily rushed.
March 2, 2006
It seems Naomi Misora and Raye Iwamatsu are now engaged.
They are planning to hold the ceremony in Japan.
Naomi says she is retiring from the FBI. That took me by surprise.
I am unsure how L feels about Naomi's decision, but he has chosen her for his plan to make contact with Kira. Raye will be the driver.
I'm sure Naomi will carry out the plan perfectly.
Yes, L's choice is correct. But making a bride approach a murdererā¦ making her groom drive her thereā¦
L. That calmness in you is what I hoped for, what I raised.
Still. Is hesitation not an option for you?
March 10, 2006
It's been raining since morning. It's coming down in sheets. I haven't seen such weather for a long time.
L believes there is a 97% probability Kira is in Japan, so we are headed there. Even soā¦
Why did L say something like that?
He never says things so sentimental, so unsettlingā¦
Could it be that he can see something I can't even imagine lurking in the future of this case?
L, why did you say, "I might not be able to come back?"
You are only in charge of directing the investigation. There's no reason to think you will come face to face with danger.
The lesson I learned from K is once again swirling in my head.
Sometimes an overly nurtured talent will go somewhere I cannot followā¦
L. Tell me you weren't thinking straight.
Please. Tell me it was just the rain.
---
April 1, 2006
The twelve FBI agents who L ordered to tail the families and associates of the Japanese police have all died simultaneously of heart attacks.
ā¦Including Raye Iwamatsuā¦
It was a shock, considering the pattern up to now, that Kira would kill so many human beings who weren't criminals.
I think L wasn't able to predict it either.
I tried expressing my condolences to Naomi Misora over the phone, but I couldn't reach her. I am worried.
April 2, 2006
L met the Japanese investigators in person.
Starting from now, he will work together with them to advance the investigation.
L has never shown his real face to anyone before now. I can feel his anxiety about this case radiating off this decision. Or perhaps it's impatience?
L asked them to call him Ryuzaki.
[Notes on the Japanese investigators]
Soichiro Yagami: Chief of the task force assigned to the "Kira case." Overflowing with a particularly Japanese sense of justice. Trustworthy.
Ukita
Aizawa
Sanami: The only woman on the investigation team. A little too kind.
Mogi
Matsuda: A hot-headed young man. Slightly too presumptuous.
---
April 11, 2006
L is fixated on Light Yagami. He says that the probability of Light being Kira is only around 1% to 3%, but from his behavior, I can't help but think it must be higher.
But although I suppose Light is decently intelligent, he's nothing more than a regular college student.
To even consider the possibility of him being a mass murderer, there has to be some additional factor ā an inconceivable one.
What is it?
Are we fighting against something entirely new?
[A photo of Light, along with the text:]
Light Yagami
Student majoring in law at To-Oh University.
A prodigy ā he has already passed the bar exam.
Hates to lose; focuses on winning in everything.
His father is the chief of the task force, Soichiro Yagami.
[Memo so I don't forget my orders]
An emergency order from L. Written below so I don't make a single mistake.
Macarons (DALLOMIU) x 12 boxes
Marshmallows (MEIGI-YA) x 12 bags
Donuts (Donkin Donuts) x 12 bags
Black tea (F and N) x 12 cans
Potato chips (Golbee) (specifically BBQ flavor) x 2 bags
[T/N: The potato chips are the type Light eats in The Chip Scene ā they're consomme in the original Japanese (both manga and diary) but BBQ in the Viz translation, which I'm going with.]
*3: The Donkin Donuts company shut down all its stores in Japan in 1998. Therefore, this memo conflicts with the range of time in which L and Quillish Wammy were thought to be in Japan. Whether this is a mistake on Wammy's part or an indication that the diary is of unreliable origin is still a topic of discussion.
April 15, 2006
I think the incomprehensibility of what happened today will stay with me for the rest of my life.
Naomi Misora shot herself.
It was after she told L, "I'll use my own life to prove that Light Yagami is Kira."
But Naomi wasn't able to prove anything.
She must have, in her own way, found something confirming her theory. Considering her actions up to now, she wouldn't have made such a declaration without some kind of proof.
But she took Light's girlfriend hostage at the museum. She killed her. And then she took her own life.
Why would she do such a thing?
It wasn't like her. No matter how I think about it, it wasn't like her.
She looked almostā¦ confused, right before her death. Not like Naomi at all.
[Photo of Shiori, a movie-only character!]
Shiori Akino
Student majoring in law at To-Oh University.
Dating Light Yagami.
Possesses a strong sense of justice and articulates her ideals clearly.
Postscript: Was shot and killed by Naomi Misora at the Oumei Museum of Art.
*4: Naomi Misora's murder of Shiori Akino and subsequent suicide is the greatest mystery of this case. As Quillish Wammy wrote here, the question "Why did Naomi kill Shiori?" is still entirely unexplained; some have even proposed that it had no connection to the Kira case at all. Also, in regards to Shiori, it bears mentioning that some believe she was dating Light Yagami while others believe they were simply classmates.
---
April 18, 2006
The construction of the Kira Response Building is complete. We will be moving the investigation headquarters there.
[Memo with cutouts so I don't forget]
[T/N: As you can see in the Tumblr screenshots, this page of the diary is entirely filled with cutouts from advertisements showing different parts of L's outfit.]
[picture of jeans]: The feeling of a new working style, a dominating sense of existence ā Loose silhouette, straight frame. Its special characteristic is the five pockets it boasts on the front. Two of the pockets are integrated into the seams on the sides for a working-style taste. There is an adjuster in the back so you can adjust the size slightly.
[T/N: I tried for ages to figure out if this meant 5 or 7 pockets total, and then I decided accurate translation of an advertisement for jeans in the tie-in material for a movie spinoff for a 2000s manga wasn't worth this effort.] [No offense, L.]
[picture of sneakers]: A strong impact! Each step brimming with confidence ā These shoes are made with the ripstop fabric used in military wear. It won't tear, no matter how much you wear the shoes out. Additionally, the camo pattern is piece-dyed with black and deliberately scuffed, giving it a tasteful finished look.
[picture of white sweater]: It looks good in any season: a must buy item ā Silhouette is loose enough to hide the lines of your body. The neckline is also loose, so wearing it is a delightfully relaxed experience. The white color has outstanding compatibility with denim.
[picture of Hyottoko mask] Hyottoko mask
[doodle of white bag]
[picture of a chessboard] CHESS: The definitive version of the battle of minds
---
April 29, 2006
An individual calling themselves "the Second Kira" has sent video tapes to TV stations. Their patterns are clearly different from those of the Kira who has acted up to now.
According to L's theory, while the previous Kira needed a face and a name for the murder, this Kira only needs to see someone's face to kill them.
Also, Light Yagami is now part of the task force.
Light can't forgive Kira for taking his girlfriend's life. He's burning with determination to solve the case.
He really is a smart teenager.
I wonder which L feels more for him: sympathy or competitiveness.
Even I can't tell.
*5: In this time period, there were several unexplainable events, documented by the news and TV broadcasts in Japan at the time. For example, several police officers died of sudden heart attacks near the doorstep of the TV station that was broadcasting a message from the person claiming to be "the Second Kira" (including a detective whose name appeared in the earlier "Notes on the Japanese investigators"). It is thought that L's theory that "this Kira only needs to see someone's face [...]," as documented by Quillish Wammy above, was based on this incident.
May 11, 2006
Misa Amane has been arrested under suspicion of being the Second Kira. She is in confinement.
The Japanese investigators seem somewhat opposed to this method.
L is feeling cornered. It makes me anxious.
[Photo of Misa Amane, smiling in a sleeveless skull-and-crossbones shirt]
Misa Amane
Idol
There was an advertisement on the bus for fashion magazines with her on their covers. She seems to be a rather well-known figure in Japan.
Postscript: I have acquired Misa's photo albums, CDs, and DVDs as evidence. I passed them to L. L has not informed me of any new data from this analysis, but he has been playing the CD.
---
June 2, 2006
L announced to the investigators that "as of now, I have concluded that Light Yagami and Misa Amane are not Kira."
Light will still stay in the Kira Response Building to help with the investigation.
L has accepted this. Could it be that L has recognized that someone else is on his level for the first time?
I am happy for him, but also have complicated feelings about this.
Is it possible that Light has become L's first-ever friend?
June 9, 2006
The Kira murders continue.
L has been chewing his nails more often lately.
L, you should already know this: you do not need to carry the burden of all the world's crimes on your shoulders.
June 26, 2006
Light Yagami's theory may be our breakthrough in the case.
His line of investigation has turned up a name: a Sakura TV newscaster, Kiyomi Takada.
[Photo of Kiyomi Takada, smiling placidly on a news channel, hands folded together]
Kiyomi Takada
Newscaster for Sakura TV
She became the current face of the news channel EVENING SPOT after her predecessor Saeko Nishiyama's sudden death in a car accident.
She quickly began hosting segments supporting Kira.
She lives alone in a condo within the city.
---
June 30, 2006
You could say my scientific skills have started to rust, but as an inventor who tries to always think things through logically, I am feeling bewildered.
There are "Shinigami," gods of death, who exist in this world.
The Shinigami each carry a notebook, which is called a "Death Note."
And the human whose name is written in the Death Note will die.
What on Earth? We've been up against Shinigami this whole time?
L was shocked. Unusual for him.
But when I saw that surprise on his face, I actually felt relieved.
At least Wammy's House ā my creation ā has not taken the capability for shock away from him.
Death Note: How to Use (Rules) ā a partial excerpt
[T/N: Translations mostly copied from the Death Note wiki, with minor edits]
The human whose name is written in this note shall die.
If the cause of death is written within the next 40 seconds (in human-realm units) of writing the person's name, it will happen.
If the cause of death is not specified, the human will simply die of a heart attack.
After writing the cause of death, details of the death should be written in the next 6 minutes and 40 seconds.
If the time of death is written within 40 seconds after writing the cause of death ā even if the cause of death is a heart attack ā the time of death can be manipulated, and the death can go into effect even less than 40 seconds after writing the name.
The note will not take effect unless the writer has the person's face in their mind when writing his/her name. Therefore, people sharing the same name will not be affected.
The owner of the note can shorten their own life by using the note.
Even someone who does not own the note can use it by writing a name and thinking of a face, with the same effect as if they were the owner of the note.
After a name is written in the note, it cannot be changed.
The time of death written in the note must be within 23 days (in human-realm units).
July 3, 2006
Misa Amane has been released from the Kira Response Building.
July 4, 2006
The strange situation of a Shinigami coming in and out of the Kira Response Building has continued.
I can't help but feel restless seeing a huge, white silhouette wandering about.
This Shinigami is not cooperating with us, but isn't trying to hinder us either, it seems.
There have been multiple persistent calls for L to assist with the investigation into Princess Joan's overturned yacht.
But L seems uninterested in any other cases right now.
I have filed the investigation requests where he won't see them.
---
July 7, 2006
[This entry was translated here by @lunalit-river. I'll copy it over, but please show some love to the original post!]
L.
Was this the outcome of giving you the opportunity to learn? Was it arrogant of me to think that I had given you everything you needed? A genius without parents or relatives, without food or education, a genius who may have had a miserable past. Was I wrong?
L wrote his name in the Death Note.
Was this all for victory? Was this all for justice?
To fight something supernatural like the Death Note, it is true that we must arm ourselves with something that is also beyond human understanding.
It is highly possible that Light Yagami will write L's name in the Death Note. In theory, L must write his name in the Death Note first to prevent Light from doing so.
But don't human emotions have a tendency to refuse to accept the truth and instead hope to twist logic and theory?
L. Don't you ever place your emotions prior to your goals?
L. I never meant for things to end this way. Your talent has surpassed mine, and now you are consuming yourself. But Iā¦
Today I learned F's death. Am I about to lose you, too? I have never felt so powerless as I do now.
L. I am confused. When I established Wammy's House, I might not have anticipated this.
I learned a lot from being with you, L, just as parents learn a lot from their children.
L. Just one sentence is enough. Please tell me you want to live.
L. Lā¦
July 7, 2006
L Lawliet
Heart failure
Dies 23 days from now, peacefully, in his sleep
---
July 10, 2006
This is the end of the case, isn't it? Everything has been arranged.
I will bring Misa to headquarters, and as long as Soichiro Yagami and the other Japanese investigators do as L says, everything should go perfectly. Tonight, the Kira case will be solved.
I have learned from L, who moves towards his goal still, indifferent in the face of death.
I too will not waver.
L still has 20 days left. I'll spend them with him.
Not because of everything I gave him in his lifetime, but because of everything I deprived him of. I can devote all my time to him now.
L, what do you want to do?
You can play silly games, if you want. You can go make friends.
If you don't mind my old age, I would gladly be your friend.
Or your
Do you want to see sights you've never seen before? Do you want to feel breezes you've never felt?
[T/N: He switches to polite speech just for this paragraph. Back to regular now.]
Get up from that way you always sit; let's go outside.
Everything I took from you ā the small, the inconsequential, the boring things ā and the beautiful, dear ones too: let's go find them together.
It's okay if you don't have any conclusions to draw. I just want you to have fun. To love the world in front of you. To savor it.
L. That's right. Just like a father and son on holiday.
I've been writing in this diary for forty years. I think I will stop in twenty days. I can't imagine anything I would want to write about, anything I should write about, would happen after that.
Alright. I'd better go and bring Misa over.
This is where the diary ends.
The Kira case has been dormant ever since the last entry here.
Seeing the one guy who tries to stay positive through it all completely break is so heartbreaking, but thank goodness he eventually starts to move on and be more like himself again like in the C-story.
Also note for the second drawing: Heās saying complete nonsense because of course itās not his fault and thereās no way he couldāve stopped everything from going wrong, but itās just another case of him speaking/acting out of emotion, wishing that everything couldāve worked out how he envisioned the case ending from the start.
Anyway this is the last angst post for awhile I have lots more fun doodles ahead š
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