#massive tw

[dystopian-damnation]

rare aesthetic: getting really triggered late at night and knowing there IS a way to stop the panic but you're five weeks clean and it's not worth it but it's really fucking tempting and maybe just a little wouldn't hurt

[trickofthelights]

this time in persistent echoes: Securis obliviscitur sed arbor meminit.

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

[wendig1rl]

Can someone explain pro sh tumblr to me? Like I understand pro ana to a certain extent, because ana can sometimes be based on body dismorphia, insecurity, or wanting to align with the beauty standard. However, sh scars are largely considered "unattractive," so I don't understand why there's a whole community of people egging each other on. Like I am consistently tormented and excluded because of my keloids, so I just don't understand why people are striving for that?

[beauty-proof]

‘Screams Without Words’: How Hamas Weaponized Sexual Violence on Oct. 7

A Times investigation uncovered new details showing a pattern of rape, mutilation and extreme brutality against women in the attacks on Isra

[suckmyballshoney]

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[dexteristhebestdawg]

TW: school shootings, death threats, grape threats, self hate,ect!!

I hate puberty.

Not just in the way my body's maturing.

No no. I mean in the way of my boobs weren't even there until recently.

I could easily pass as a male then but now I look fem and I wanna rip my skin off every time I look at my side profile.

Not to help but I hate my face. So fucking much right now.

I'm breaking out a little, my teeth are yellow, one of my eyes is bigger than the other, ect ect

And I hate how I feel like I'm failing in life. I'm terrified for next school year because I start every year failing all my classes.

My partner is visiting in July and I'm scared she doesn't think I'm attractive anymore.

What if everyone just hates me. I'm always the one carrying others issues and being there for them. But I'm to scared to open up.

3-5 people in my friend group know the entirety of my trauma with my abusive ex.

1 and I mean 1 of my friends know about the fact I've attempted/cut.

Including my partner I've only felt comfortable opening up that much to 2 people.

Because from my ex I know that if I open up a shit ton then they'll use it against you and then will act as if nothing happened.

I'm scared that everyone hates me. I'm scared of how people think of me. Of how much of a dick I'm being that day. Im scared if I say something wrong everyone will turn against me.

To this day I'm scared my ex with expose everything about me. I'm still scared of her. I'm scared she'll try to kill me. She's made death/suicide threats at me. She's made grape threats at me. She may go after my girlfriend. She threaten to shoot up my school. If she didn't get expelled when she did I probably would have been her target if she did shoot up the school.

Speaking of school shooting almost everyday because I live in America have I had a panic attack because of a loud sound that didn't even remotely sound like a gun. Fuck it's gotten so bad a teacher checked around the school for me. Everytime a phone goes off, any loud sound, anything I flinch and my stomach drops. I'm horrified at the American school system.

And my sister used to swear up and down I was the favorite child. And yeah maybe I was but it never really felt like it. Even tho I got treated better it just felt empty. And she used to be kinda mean to me. And I get she was being abused but still. She still gets upset when I gt praise for getting like a c on something when she gets straight As. It makes me feel like she's not getting enough. Like I'm taking it from her.

I know my parents are proud of me but every year when I fail I get yelled at and scolded Wich I deserve because I'm not trying hard enough. I'm never enough. Like this year I had great grades except for the fact I had a D in history. That's the only thing my mom cared about.

I feel like I'm never enough for people. I complain to much, I talk to much, I use being autistic as a excuse, I'm selfish, I'm needy, I'm a ass hole, I blame everything on my trauma, and I never take accountably until someone is hurt. The days I've spent crying myself to sleep, the millions of times I say I'm sorry never fix me hurting people.

I remember sitting on the roof of my grandmas house sobbing. Thinking nobody cares if I jumped. I should have. No would care.

I Fuckin hate myself. I'm a disgusting, sexual, dirty piece of flesh who deserves nothing it has. My partner could be with someone who isn't mentally unstable, who is whiney, ect. All of my friends could succeed in life but I'm weighing them down. I'm a distraction. Im the text book definition of a "bad kid". I don't know what happened. I went from being a nice, good grades, kid to a fuckin dick head, horrible grades, loud kid. I just want to disappear. No one would even give one fuck if I disappeared.

-Angel

[craniumklutz]

first collage depicting what my negative regression feels like

this may be a series, as i dont have much outlet to talk about or express my experiences otherwise. most people become distraught after learning enough information about my past and present- and cut contact because they cannot bear to think about it for longer. i do not expect nor demand for anyone to view this post further.

what this body has lived through and experienced is beyond disgusting, and evil is not enough to describe it.

(under the cut, read tws before looking, please)

directly related to childhood and adulthood traumas / fears enforced into me from the start.

TRIGGER WARNING FOR: THEMES OF CHILD ABUSE+NEGLECT, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, DEHUMANIZATION, FEAR, MOLD, PET LOSS, HUMAN DEATH, REPRESSED MEMORIES, HEAD INJURY FROM FAILED SUI ATTEMPT, AND THREATS OF CHILD MURDER FROM PARENTAL FIGURES.

NON-GRAPHIC SPECIFICS OF SOME ABUSE AND TRAUMA I LIVED THROUGH IS DISCUSSED AS WELL, BE WARNED

alot of these text additions with weird fonts but no image background - are written because they were phrases both parents repeated to me over and over from before i could even form words. some of these things are still repeated to me. to remind me that i can die just as i was born- by the hands of my parents. i still cant imagine myself having any future. atleast nothing,, good.

i happened to grow up experiencing chronic pain, likely inherited from my mother. i was medically neglected my whole life, even now. when i had severe pain spikes or flare ups and left screaming and crying and unable to move- i was told i was "too young to feel any pain" and i didnt even deserve the right to cry about it or ask for medical help. i still carry immense guilt for being disabled just like my mother- even despite being diagnosed for two whole years now.

i also grew up knowing that my parents would have preferred i just died, because they only had me to "save their marriage" and "give their lives meaning." since i, a baby, obviously couldnt do that- i was threatened to be killed off anytime i reminded them of any of the deeds they expected me to perform and that i had failed to do.

my mother and father both used to stand me infront of the livingroom couch, facing away from the television, anytime they thought i had done something "bad" (like stick a fruit sticker on the counter), and berate me for several hours at a time. this happened multiple times a week, anytime i was seen around the house- i was "making myself available" for their abuse. during these hours, i would eventually stop reacting. my mother said i had a face of stone, and it was like i wasnt alive, not even human, not her child. i dont remember what else would happen after these points. i didnt even feel the "stone face" slip over mine. i dont remember this. not anymore. but i feel it in the back of my mind- i can still hear so much screaming. dishes breaking. furniture and electronics being broken. the flinching in my muscles desperately trying to not be so. begging myself to stop trying to remember, dont think about it, dont think about it.

im now diagnosed with a dissociative disorder. im told my ptsd is "intense", and that i struggle with attatchment at all, without severely triggering these trained responses. i can spot it sometimes. none of my irl friendships (aside from the only one i have actively right now- shes cool) have all gone extremely bitter in one way or another. usually dangerous to be in, or just cold. and doesnt ever last very long at all.

ive always struggled with facial expressions since i can remember. but my memory usually starts at 12. on a bad day, i can remember bits and pieces from earlier. remembering often triggers a overwhelming and long-lasting episode of negative regression

i know that when i was 9-10 years old i took a ball-peen hammer. i used the rounded end to try and commit suicide through head trauma. but my malnourished body couldnt hit hard enough. i tried for hours. eventually i got so tired, i fell asleep. my skull is permanently dented inwards, on the back. sometimes it still hurts, badly.