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Happy Christmas Eve Eve.

imagine a theater full of people who paid close to $15 a ticket to see cgi food products say “fuck” a lot and have a graphic orgy that presumably lasts a solid two minutes, if not more.

imagine the silence throughout the theater as dozens of strangers trapped in a large, dark room have to look at a 20 ft tall projection of food having kinky sex. there’s no raucous laughing, no. just a painful quiet, a sea of straight faces watching the food orgy unfold. the only comedy of the situation is that it’s about taking a type of media reserved for kids, animation, and making the cgi food do adult things like eat each other’s asses. a couple people might chuckle at first, but 10 seconds turns into 30, then 45, then a minute and a half, maybe longer. you realize in this span that dozens of people were paid to write this scene, to storyboard it, to animate it. seth rogan is a millionaire. you feel your $15 ticket burning in your pocket.

imagine the sound track. imagine hearing the sound track, muffled, from the next theater over. imagine the people spared the reality of witnessing a racial caricature pita bread orgasm in high definition. imagine the people who will applaud this movie for its “edgy take on comedy”. you exit the theater, a white guy probably named tyler gushes about the film to his uncomfortable date. she remembers the food orgy. she will not text him back.