get me away from here, i'm dying

elwood/captain. they/xe. 23. recovery/vent blog. im very mentally unwell <3. pls read my pinned post and do NOT interact if u know me irl.

[disorganisedpilot]

my about page broke and i dont have the spoons to fix it so here it is. if u read it im in love with u <3

i’m elwood but u can also call me captain or cap

im queer. i use they/them or xe/xem/xyr pronouns

im 24

this blog is for me to talk about living with mental illness and hopefully finding some form of recovery. i have a lot wrong w my brain lol 

i am autistic. i have c-ptsd, ocd and dermatillomania. i almost certainly have bpd. i also strongly suspect i may have bipolar but thats just a theory at this stage. i have experienced psychosis.

i try to tag things but i'm not always the best at it:

#this is your captain speaking <- my posts

#captains log <- my journal. pls do not reblog these

#food tw <- i have a lot of difficulties with eating (not an ED) so i log my food sometimes

#dying babi bird <- vent posts go under this tag

#suicidal ideation tw

#alcohol tw

do NOT interact if you know me irl or if you think you know me through my fandom blog.

i like old tv shows, dress and textile history, textile arts like weaving, crocheting and patchwork, rollerskating, Jellycat toys, and aeroplanes

[disorganisedpilot]

my life is so small when im here. its just me, her, the dog. one close family member, occasionally. fear and anger - my other selves. a little girl with long hair whom i want to taunt and torment and make her cry. where are all my friends, where is going for coffee and going out and having fun, chatting for hours, where is cooking for myself and feeling each ingredient with all my senses, where is watching the river alone and being content. i was happy in summer 2021 and i was happy in spring 2022. i keep thinking. its never coming back.

[traumatizeddfox]

I WASN’T A BAD DOG

I WAS A SCARED DOG

[disorganisedpilot]

happy new year! im still still alive. im having a bit of a miserable time right now.

got up late because i stayed up until like 4am last night chatting to friends in different time zones

leak in the roof

had a panic attack because i was already sad and really scared and anxious and was getting in trouble for being slow to respond to my orders. was called 'embarrassing' and told i am acting 'like a three year old'. i will be 25 next wednesday. i have had my adulthood stripped away from me by trauma and my terrible freeze/fawn responses which get me in more shit than if i was normal. its a cycle. if ever get out of here im going to put them all to shame with how wonderful and peaceful my home is.

was put in my place. of course everyone has it worse than me and my existence was a mistake.

some damage to my forearm and hand from involuntary self-injury during the attack. broke the skin with my teeth in 5 places. one part of it has a bit of swelling.

ate two croissants with strawberry jam for breakfast :)

did some post-christmas tidying up

drank two cups of black coffee

cried a lot lol

went for a walk

ate a cheese sandwich with spinach and mayonnaise for lunch

more tidying. did some ironing. contacted the crisis line and they were supremely unhelpful

drank a cup of tea; with oat milk. ate my body weight in lebkuchen

ate mac and cheese with spinach for tea

watched star trek

tried to do the washing up after tea but it uses too much water so i cant until after everyone else goes to bed

[disorganisedpilot]

I’m still alive lol <3 I have had a very cool job for the past few months which temporarily cured my mental illnesses fjsjdjsj but now they’re coming back

[disorganisedpilot]

pain im in pain im in pain

[salemwitchtrials-deactivated202]

The Habit of Fire, Judith McCombs

[disorganisedpilot]

captains log 21-22/10/21

got in trouble as soon as i woke up for sleeping in. im tired of having no control over my life. i dont get to choose when i go to bed or get up, when i eat , what i eat, whether im allowed out. ive gone from being a fully independent 23 year old adult to this. i feel less than human.

ate good breakfast - bacon and eggs and toast with tomatoes and HP sauce. >:3 drank lots of coffee and took an iron tablet with some water

made list

did fuck all all day. it was a really nice day but i i didnt get to go out. so i stayed in all day even though it was sunny. i want to kill myself bc theres no escape i feel like ill be here forever

peanut butter + banana on toast

wrote down some of a list of books to read

decorated 2 magnets w stickers for when i have my own place again. maybe.

watched tv. crocheted a square if my blanket. to go on my bed if i ever get out of here

00:47. i have to get up in 6 hours

[disorganisedpilot]

captains log 20-21/10/21

felt rly fucked up today lol my thorught s were nt connecting properly for the first few hours after waking up. i guess brain fog or smth idk. meant i got nothing done for ages

rice krispies + oat milk, coffee, an apple and a yoghurt for breakfast. forgot my iron tablet bc i didnt drink any juice which is what i normally take it with but my thoughts were so scrambled i couldnt work out how to get the juice out of the fridge lmao

worked on my diss. as usual got hardly anything done

went into town and bought some wool at a charity shop for £1.78 so i can carry on crocheting my blanket

walked in the woods. saw lots of mushrooms and a rainbow on the way home :3

had 2 cups of Earl Grey, one with dairy semi skimmed milk and one with oat milk and ate a teacake with butter. worked on my diss

wrote up a recipe for borsch

ate spaghetti with bacon and chilli tomato sauce for tea and drank some water

watched some of my SpIn show and wrote some more recipes up. ate some dark chocolate with almond

its 01:50 and im bored so im gona go sleep

[disorganisedpilot]

captains log 19-20/10/21

got woken up by dog bouncing on my bed i love her but i slept badly bc i was so angry i couldnt sleep and also im increasingly thinking i have a mild alcohol intolerance so i was. not happy to be woken lol

washed my face w mango face mask

ate the last of my chocolate bat cereal for breakfast >:3 with oat milk, a cup of coffee and a glass of orange juice. reading LOTR. took an iron tablet

made a to-do list

worked on my diss but didnt get much done

remembered i hadnt washed off the face mask lol so i did that and then moisturised and put some gel on my bad skin from dermatillomania stuff

had scrambled eggs on a roll with butter and added paprika and chilli flakes and salad. drank another glass of orange juice

went for a walk in the woods

drank a cup of earl grey and ate a biscuit then took a 40 minute nap

went to a zoom meeting for the society. thought i'd be off the committee after 5 years but for now im still on as we had low turnout . chatted w friends and painted a bit w watercolours

ate threee slices of pizza with salad and drank a beer

ive chewed up the inside of my lip and i have some bad areas for derm but its not so bad. anger and other C-PTSD symptoms are my biggest issue rn which is as i expected it to be. a trauma anniversary is gradually approaching and i am trapped in a very triggering situation so its fair enough

watched an ep of a tv show

took a while to get ready for bed as im still overwhelmed by the mess in my room but tidying it is a big job that i never have time for so i keep just trying to sort small areas of it. first thing i gotta do is the wardrobe bc a lot of stuff in it is stuff i am planning on getting rid of lol

its 02:09 and i should go to bed soon but i dont want to >:(

[disorganisedpilot]

hello yes i am still alive still fucked in the head and i keep forgettting i have this blog

[meangirlnurse]

in real life you will probably not respond to harassment in a sexy, clever, scripted way where you come out with the upper hand and everyone claps. you will freeze up and your moment will pass, or your voice will shake when you tell them to stop and you’ll realize two minutes later that you’re gross and sweaty and sticky from the adrenaline. maybe you’ll be on the ball and answer in a way you actually think is pretty smart and get ignored, or they’ll get more aggressive when you mouth off to them. you almost never will walk away feeling victorious. you walk away feeling uncomfortable and relieved that it’s over. you’ll think about it later and imagine that maybe you could have said something else. maybe you’ll feel ashamed that you weren’t quicker-witted, weren’t able to cut them down to size, weren’t able to avoid that lingering sick feeling in the pit of your stomach, as though there’s some kind of magical words you could have said that would have left you feeling less powerless. there really aren’t. 

[gwynndolynnequincy-deactivated2]

Honestly this is such an important lesson to learn. If someone threatens, belittles, or verbally assaults you, you will likely feel bad, no matter how you respond. Please don’t beat yourself up for feeling emotions that are perfectly healthy and justified. 

[secondhandfriends]

(source)

[disorganisedpilot]

the problem is, im trying my best all the time and my best has been proven over and over to just. not be good enough. im literally just not good enough to survive

[disorganisedpilot]

im just gona have an anxiety attack lol

[disorganisedpilot]

i will probably kill myself soon

[disorganisedpilot]

:(