[borderlinereminders]

Communicating During a Spiral

Let’s be honest here, communicating during a spiral can feel near impossible.

Your brain is screaming, your body’s on fire, your thoughts are sprinting to every worst-case scenario you can think of.

You want to say what’s wrong but all that comes out is panic, blame, or silence.

So what do you do?

Step 1: Notice the Spiral.

The moment you feel yourself slipping, beginning to panic, desperate to beg for reassurance or lash out, name it. Acknowledge what is happening.

“I think I’m spiraling.”

That one sentence buys you clarity. It creates a pause.

Step 2: Pick a Clear Sentence.

When you’re in the thick of it, don’t overexplain. Keep it simple and kind. I personally find it helpful to plan out sentences in advance since I know what type of things I tend to feel during spirals.

“I’m having a lot of big feelings right now and I don’t want to take it out on you.”

“I’m scared and I don’t know what to do. Can we check in later when I’m calmer?”

“I need comfort, but I’m struggling to ask gently.”

Step 3: Delay the Damage.

If you feel the urge to text something extreme, try redirecting that energy or practicing urge surfing.

Write it down somewhere private

Set a timer for 15 minutes

Do one grounding thing (cold water, movement, breathing)

You don’t have to respond perfectly. You just have to create some space so that you can avoid making the spiral worse. (I know I spiral more if I accidentally give into an urge.)

Step 4: Come Back to Repair.

Spirals happen. Even with all the skills in the world. So if things got messy, that doesn’t mean all is lost.

You can say:

“I was overwhelmed earlier and I reacted from fear. I’m sorry.”

“Here’s what I needed. I want to work on asking for it more gently next time.”

Making plans together to recognize triggers and how to handle situations in the future can be helpful. Instead of punishing yourself, learning from it and accepting mistakes happen.

A spiral doesn’t make you unworthy. Communication in distress takes practice and you aren’t a failure if you don’t get it or fall back sometimes. You are not a disaster. You are someone learning how to stay kind even when your brain is screaming.

And I think that’s admirable honestly. Give yourself more credit.

[iridescentdepths]

I hope you don't mind the add on, as someone who often shuts down/goes nonverbal/disassociates when I spiral

An additional option I use often for BPD related spiralling or splitting episodes is flashcards (digital or physical)

I made a set of digital flashcards that say basic and common phrases like this that I can use when I'm spiralling and go nonverbal

A lot of them say something of the like: "I'm overstimulated" "I feel jealous" "I'm upset about something" and disclose if I need time or space or reassurance about something, and that when I have a clear head I can explain better how my mood dropped

Talking for me during these moments can be very very painful for me mentally so that's also an option if the act of talking itself is super difficult

[traumasurvivors]

Some days I feel like I’m doing good. It’s easier to function and cope. Like I can breathe without looking over my shoulder. It feels like the past isn’t choking me as hard anymore.

And then out of nowhere, I crash. A smell. A memory. A silence too loud. And I’m right back in it — shaking, doubting, tired of trying.

But here’s what I keep learning:

This is healing. It’s not a straight line. It’s not pretty. And it doesn’t mean I’m doing it wrong just because it still hurts sometimes.

Healing isn’t always peace.

Sometimes it’s surviving the same storm with a little more self-compassion than last time.

If you’re in that place — backsliding, breaking, wondering if you’re actually healing at all —

You are not alone.

This messiness is part of the process. It’s normal to struggle. It’s normal to fall.

You’re still on the path. Your journey is still valid. And you’re going to be okay. Even when it doesn’t feel like it.

[traumasurvivors]

It’s normal for trauma survivors to get triggered during sexual activity, and it doesn’t mean you’ve “failed.” Having a plan can help you feel safer and more in control. Here are some ideas:

Have a clear “stop” plan

Pick a safe word like “red” or “pause.” Sometimes we can’t say ‘no’ whether it’s due to trauma or whatever else. It doesn’t feel safe. While we often see safe words talked about for more intense scenes, I think they can be beneficial for anyone.

Decide on a non-verbal signal (hand squeeze, tapping twice, dropping an object).

Also plan to have check ins, including signs your partner should check in (you’ve been a bit quieter, etc). There can be a way to do this in a “sexy” and fun way that doesn’t break the mood. For example, you can ask your partner to check in with you by saying a variety of things like “does this feel good?” or “talk dirty to me.” And a lack of response can be agreed that it’s time to stop, even if you don’t verbally or non verbally use a signal.

Grounding techniques

Try 5-4-3-2-1 grounding: 5 things you see, 4 feel, 3 hear, 2 smell, 1 taste.

Hold something cold or textured like a water bottle or pillow.

Keep a weighted blanket or comfort object nearby.

Partner support

Plan in advance what your partner can do as a default if you can’t communicate. Tell them the sort of things that reassure they can try like, “You’re safe. We can stop.”

Decide if you want comfort touch (cuddles, hand-holding) or space when triggered. Tell them in advance. It’s okay if your mind changes during. You can communicate that. But it’s good to have a default for if you can’t speak.

If it helps, your partner can guide you through breathing or grounding. Have them be familiar with the 5-4-3-2-1 method so they can walk you through it or be familiar with a breathing exercise that helps center you.

If you aren’t okay with physical touch when triggered, make sure your partner knows so they give you space. If you are okay with it, make sure they know what sort of contact. (I personally love him brushing my hair.) If it’s a sometimes thing, tell them to assume you don’t want contact and have them ask and agree on a verbal and non verbal way of saying ‘yes please give me the agreed physical contact’

Post-trigger care

Take a break or stop completely. Both are okay.

Switch to non-sexual comfort like cuddling, watching a show, or wrapping up in a blanket.

Have a self-care kit with snacks, a journal, or calming music.

Give yourself permission

It’s okay to stop.

It’s okay to try again later or not at all.

Your healing and boundaries are valid.

I wrote a post on having sex after trauma. There’s a shorter version here. But if you’re up to it, I really recommend the longer version.

[covensys]

Dehumanizing DID - A reflection on parts language and the stigma around this language.

Under the cut cuz im a yapper. This isn't based in science. Its based in feelings, personal experience, and in a lot of ways trauma reactions.

I'm an individual member of a system. An alter, if you will. So.... what does that mean? Am I a person? Am I a part? Am i less than whole, less than human, less than someone without my disorder? Is a part a person? Or does that terminology inherently mean you are not individual? Well... lets talk about it.

Parts vs. People, whats truly the difference? Parts language is based in the theory of structural dissociation. A person with DID didn't have the chance or conditions for their identity to fuse into one, and so they are made up of these parts of what would have been one whole identity. Person based language is based in reclaiming the idea of being a whole person, and highlighting the individuality of alters. Framing them as their own people with individual ideas, beliefs, and interests.

Doesn't person based language contradict the theory of structural dissociation? Well... that depends. I think everyone who has DID has heard "people with DID are not more than one person, they're less than one". This phrase is used to highlight the fact that DID does not insert more brain power or personality into a person with the disorder. It instead takes the resources you already have and rations them out. You aren't an extra person, but does that mean you aren't a person at all? I believe that depends on how you define personhood. Some people with DID are adamant that parts aren't people, because they cannot function outside a system. However those people often fail to note those using person language typically define personhood as being able to have your own thought, opinions, and ideas.

If thats the case then surely its wrong to say parts aren't people, right? In fact, its actually dehumanizing and immoral! Not quite. Parts language is something I pushed against heavily for awhile. It felt like saying I was less than human. It isn't claiming that at all, though. Its claiming that together me and my alters are human, and individual. We are still human, we just function differently than someone without DID. It's an emphasis on how we need to work together to live a fulfilled life. Some people strongly argue against this language because it doesn't highlight individuality, but fail to note that it does highlight unity.

I don't believe parts and people language is contradictory. I think that often times both are healing, it just depends on what you need to heal. When I was a young system I needed acknowledgement of my individuality. I still do, sometimes. However now I often need to be reminded of my systems unity. Our ability to work as a team. So what am I as an individual alter? A part or a person? Well, I think I'm both. And what are you as an individual alter? That is for you to find out. It is very important to highlight that labels only mean whatever they mean to the individual. They are personal choices. One person who feels the exact way as another may use different language because they interpret the language differently. No one is wrong about their experience because they describe it differently.

Thank you for reading - covensys

[dissociativediary]

relearning lessons/skills i was already taught as a teenager is embarrassing! and pathetic! but at least i stopped slipping downwards

[borderlinereminders]

Let’s talk about emotional testing.

The kind of testing that can damage your relationships. The “pull away just to see if they’ll follow” kind. The “I’m going to say I’m fine and hope you prove I’m not too much” kind.

The “If I disappear, will you notice?” kind.

If you have BPD or struggle with abandonment trauma, this pattern might be painfully familiar.

And look, you’re not a bad person for doing it. You’re someone who was hurt. Someone who learned, probably very young, that directness wasn’t safe. That being honest about your needs got you punished, ignored, or abandoned.

So instead of asking, you test.

You might pick a fight to see if they’ll leave.

You might go quiet and hope they’ll chase you.

You might drop hints instead of clearly communicating your needs.

But here’s the truth:

Testing creates fear where you actually crave closeness. It pushes people away when you’re begging them (silently) to come closer. And it feeds the very thing you’re trying to avoid: rejection. It can also become a self-fulfilling prophecy. You’re scared people will leave and this ends up driving them to leave.

So what can you do instead?

Start small. Practice asking out loud:

“I’m scared you’ll leave. I could use some reassurance.”

“Can you check in with me later today? I get anxious when things go quiet.”

“I don’t want to test you, but I notice I do. I want to work on that.”

That’s trust. That’s vulnerability. That’s what real connection is built on.

It’s terrifying, yes.

But it’s also the first step toward a relationship that doesn’t run on fear but instead it runs on honesty.

You deserve that kind of love.

(And you’re capable of giving it, too.)

[borderlinereminders]

I'm not trying to "force my way back into their life", as you put it, I'm staying out until I get a response.

If that means staying put and waiting forever, then so be it.

How small and quiet do these actions have to be? What's the point in proving it to myself?

I'm sorry about how that came off. I find wording things difficult, but I really didn't intend for that to come off the way it did. I can see in hindsight how 'force' might have come off aggressively.

I hear that this is painful. You’re not alone in feeling that deep ache, the “I’ll wait forever if I have to” feeling, it comes from wanting so badly to make things right. That grief is real, and I’m not dismissing it.

But waiting in hopes of a response is still a form of attachment. It’s still centering them as the reason you’re changing. And I get it, it feels like love. It feels like loyalty. But it’s still quietly tethering your healing to the idea that they’ll come back. And I don't think that's very effective for you in the long-term.

The truth is, you might never get that response. That doesn’t mean your growth is meaningless. It means your growth has to stop being about them. It should be about you. Changing to be proud of who you're becoming.

"How small and quiet do the actions have to be?" Small enough that you keep doing them even when no one thanks you for it. Quiet enough that you don’t need the person you hurt to notice, forgive you, or let you back in because your growth isn’t about being seen. It’s about becoming someone you can be proud of, no matter who’s watching.

"What's the point in proving it to myself?" Because you are the one who lives with your choices. Because you are the one you wake up with every day. Because building a life you’re proud of is always worth it even if the people you hoped to share it with aren’t there.

You can miss them. You can grieve what happened. You can hope they’re doing okay. But don’t put your life on hold waiting for a door that may never open again.

And remember that there are still so many people left to meet who will love you. So many more relationships to begin. It won't replace anything, but you will find connections again. You can find connections you love and enjoy. It might feel really lonely right now, but it won't always.

[youdeserveanaward]

You did it!

You used a coping skill instead of imploding!

[borderlinereminders]

If you’re someone who needs reassurance from your loved ones that they care about you, that’s completely valid. Needing reassurance doesn’t make you bad or broken. But how you ask for it matters.

Hinting at it through guilt or passive comments like “Nobody loves me” or “I’m such a burden” can unintentionally hurt your loved ones and even push them away. Over time, constantly providing reassurance can be exhausting for the other person especially if it feels like nothing they say is enough.

Here are some tips to cope with that need for reassurance in a way that’s healthy for you and your relationships:

1. Try self-soothing first

Before reaching out, see if you can reassure yourself. This doesn’t always work, and that’s okay but it’s worth trying.

Save reassurance for later: Keep screenshots, letters, or cards from loved ones. You can even ask them to record a short message for you to listen to when you’re struggling.

Make a self-care box: Include affirmations, notes from loved ones, favorite snacks, or small comfort items you can reach for in times of crisis.

Examine the evidence: Keep a list of things they’ve done that show they care. Both big and small. For example, my list for my partner includes moments like making me tea or checking in after a hard day.

2. Check the facts

If something triggers your fear that they don’t care, pause and examine the situation.

Did they actually do something harmful, like lie or intentionally hurt you?

Or did they just get busy and can’t reply right away?

This step helps your brain separate emotional reaction from reality.

3. Use coping skills if emotions spike

When the urge to spiral or lash out hits:

TIPP can help calm you if you’re in immediate crisis.

ACCEPTS can distract you with positive activities.

Urge Surfing helps if you feel like sending an accusatory text.

Radical Acceptance and Challenging Irrational Thoughts can help your brain reframe the situation.

4. Ask directly if you still need reassurance

If self-soothing isn’t enough, it’s okay to ask but do it directly and kindly.

Instead of “Sorry I’m such a burden, you probably don’t even care about me.”

Try “Hey, I know you care about me, but my brain is being mean right now. Could you give me a little reassurance?”

This approach respects your feelings and theirs.

5. Have a boundary and communication plan

When things are calm, talk with your loved one about what works for both of you:

They can set boundaries if constant reassurance is draining for them.

You can agree on signals, like an emoji for when they’re low-energy and unable to reply but not upset with you.

They can also provide messages or recordings you can revisit when they’re unavailable.

And if they’re doing something (even unintentionally) that triggers your fear, like disappearing for a few days, it’s valid to talk about it using I-statements. Together, you can create solutions that work for both sides. (This might be where the emoji solution comes in.) Needing reassurance is human. Learning how to ask for it in a healthy way keeps your relationships strong while still honouring your emotional needs.

[borderlinereminders]

Preparing for Bad Times or Emotional Crises

People often ask me how I prepare for the bad days, whether that’s triggers, anxiety spikes, emotional breakdowns, or those heavy, dark periods. Here’s what works for me. We’re all different, but maybe these ideas can inspire your own plan!

1. Practice skills when you’re not in crisis I practice my DBT and grounding skills regularly, even when I’m doing okay. Trying them when I’m calm makes it easier to recall them when I’m not.

DBT’s Distress Tolerance skills are especially helpful for immediate emotional crises.

Breathing exercises? Grounding techniques? Try them when you don’t “need” them so they’re ready when you do.

2. Make a crisis note on your phone I keep written instructions for myself, including:

Step-by-step grounding techniques

How to handle harmful urges

How to challenge spiraling thoughts

When I’m overwhelmed, I can forget everything I “know.” Writing it down when I’m calm means I only have to remember to open the note and not the individual steps when I’m overwhelmed and my brain is spiraling.

3. Keep a self-care box and comfort items Having everything ready makes it way less overwhelming. My box has:

Small things that usually calm or cheer me up

Links to favorite feel-good videos

Sensory or grounding objects

4. Save proof that people love you I keep screenshots and letters from loved ones. In crisis, I might forget they care or I can’t bring myself to reach out. Looking at those reminders helps. I also keep lists of things people have done to show they love me.

5. Make a crisis plan Know your patterns. What happens to you in crisis? What’s hardest? Write down how you want to respond and what tools you’ll use. Here's my activity for making a crisis plan.

Some other tips:

Be prepared to manage urges safely

Create a safe physical space or even a “safe place” in your mind

Think ahead about the support or tools you’ll want nearby

The key is to prepare when you’re not in crisis. Bad times are easier to face when you already have the steps, tools, and comfort ready to go. Your future self will thank you.

[weltenwellen]

Jenny Slate, Little Weirds

[borderlinereminders]

I wasn’t able to begin recovering and changing my behaviours until I admitted I could.

When I told myself “I can’t help it. It’s just my BPD”, it left me stuck. I ended up losing people because of my behaviours. I’d spiral and lose control.

When I got to a point where I told myself that I controlled my actions, it actually was changing for me.

Everyone is different. I get that. But I just feel sad for people who feel it’s hopeless. It isn’t hopeless. And I know it’s easier said than done to believe that. I hope that you can get there though.

[symptoms-syndrome]

Passive aggressive maybe, but like...healing and getting better isn't easy. When I see people make posts about "LOL google says I should make a schedule to help manage my ADHD but I can't make a schedule bc I have ADHD" it's like. People saying that stuff know it's hard. That's part of why you gotta do it.

Sometimes healing is easier. Sometimes it's something really small that becomes routine. But sometimes it's hard! Sometimes you gotta push yourself to do something and it sucks! But I don't know what to tell you, other than that you don't need to be good at it right away.

Using the calendar example, I have ADHD + semi-frequent memory loss, so it can feel really difficult to try and make a calendar when both of those things can directly get in the way. So I started with making sure recurring events were in it, like therapy and med reminders. Now I'm usually able to remember to put in appointments or other one-time events in as soon as I know about them. It takes a lot of work.

I don't know. I just think sometimes people on this site are sitting in mud and complaining about being dirty. You really do need to try.

[goobiroo]

I relate to this but for cptsd and routines. It's hard. Healing isn't supposed to be comforting all the time. It's an everyday every minute thing. But I do the work to get better

[symptoms-syndrome]

Yes! It definitely applies to a lot of things.

Thinking on it more, I think part of the issue is that people view things as either in their "comfort zone" or in their "danger zone," which is not really how things work. There's an area in the middle where things suck and feel bad but aren't so bad you're in danger (mental, emotional, physical) and that's where growth happens.

Because I'm a visual learner:

Trauma can make you think things are like this:

When in reality, things are more like this:

Trauma etc can make that challenge zone (often also called a window of tolerance) really fucking small, so it can be easy to overshoot into the danger zone, which can lead to having panic attacks and being triggered. Sometimes that can reenforce the idea that everything outside our comfort zone is scary red danger zone! But with gentle prodding into our little orange areas, we can grow our window of tolerance. Growing our challenge zones, then turning our challenge zones into comfort zones.

Using a more concrete example, say you try going to a party and you get SUPER overwhelmed! That might put you in a situation where you visualize things like this:

Figuring out what's in that orange "challenge zone" can take some trial and error, but maybe you can try something like this:

Forcing yourself to go to a party where you'll feel overwhelmed and triggered is just going to reenforce the seperation of the red and the green. But pushing a little bit, in a way that feels scary but safe? That's where growth happens! Then maybe eventually, things look more like

[goobiroo]

That makes a lot of sense. You explained this so well, thank you! And totally, that orange area is super hard to figure out bit it's possible.

Since my coping mechanism is to make challenges into adventures:

I tell myself my orange zones are quests that will help me get to my goals or newer areas. And like any other person, I gotta rest in between them and not overwhelm myself. When I am rested and taken care of my needs, I have a better chance to avoid quick burn out when picking up the quests again. This storytelling keeps me excited and keeps me in check to let myself rest.

[figtree34]

Something else that I think is helpful to remember is that our perception of which zone we’re in doesn’t just come from the stress of that particular situation; it’s informed by our general levels of stress at a given moment. If something else is going on in your life that is taking up bandwidth you’re going to have a more narrow window of tolerance for other things; if you have fewer stressors at a given time then you can have a broader window of tolerance. So if we’re hoping to step into the orange zone in one particular arena, we can help set ourselves up for success by considering how we can decrease other stressors (for example, not wearing something to the party you know is uncomfortable, not choosing to go with someone who’s a small-doses friend, etc.). Conversely, if other things in life are tricky, we can have more compassion and patience for ourself when we find ourself in a surprise orange zone somewhere that’s usually yellow.

[sashasparrow]

not doomed by the narrative but saved by the narrative. yeah i know you'd rather die than keep suffering but the story doesn't actually care what you want. you have to keep going, even when it hurts. even being erased from existence won't stop you from being salvaged from the wreckage of un-being. get up. keep pushing. keep bleeding. keep living.

[cryptoworm-deactivated20250308]

I learned about how other DID systems experience amnesia and one description has hit the nail on the head. We experience black-out amnesia, but not how it is commonly portrayed online or in media. We do not get confused about where we are, find ourselves in places we do not remember going. We do not notice our amnesia unless we are reminded of it.

Amnesia to us is like digging through sand trying to find the memory in our brain.

I do not recall forgetting something until i am supposed to remember the events. It feels to me like i have experienced every second of every day. I find it difficult to notice memory gaps on my own, and i believe that is partly the point of DID.

[dspud]

[cavityinmybrain]

@funnier-as-a-system

[borderlinereminders]

Remember that time when you felt like something was too much, and there was no way you’d get through it?

You did. And you can do it again.