Perdue dans les maux

[disturbedme]

Fifth night.

I didn’t woke up alone this morning. I woke up with a guy I barely know. Okc guy. What exactly was I expecting ? It should just have been a drink with someone, to talk to and finally see someone, and I ended up in his bed. I ended up feeling beautiful and sexy. But every moment he was touching me, I couldn’t stop seing you. I couldn’t help remembering your arms, your fingers, the way you used to touch me. I told you that I would never find someone like you in bed. It wasn’t just about sex. It was about everything around it. About your careness, your softness, your lovely violence. About the way you could just look at me, without talking, with that admiration and that passion. About the way my body was precious to you. I won’t be precious to anybody anymore. I’m not even sure I was that precious for you.  I think that I just started my autodestruction process. I don’t want to live, to be me. Why couldn’t you just love me ? Why couldn’t I be important ? Sometimes I wonder my only mistake was to not be her. Or, to not be a miracle. I was just an insignifiant young woman who gave you everything. I was just a transition. 

Now, I’m left there, alone. Without anybody to take care of me. Until the end I could see careness into your eyes. Why didn’t you love me ?

[disturbedme]

I haven’t been crying since friday. Well, it’s done now. I just burst into tears while reading the text a friend send me to cheer me up. My heart is still shaking and I feel so bad. This was supposed to be our summer, after all we’ve been through since we met. I crossed the last months of my year just thinking about it, it was my only point of reference and now I have nothing left. 

I wish someone could kill me. Seriously. I want to be ran over by a car or a bus, a metro, a tramway, or someone stab me to death, I don’t know, just someone kill me so I don’t suffer anymore.

[disturbedme]

Fourth night. I do really, really hate to wake up. I wish I never wake up anymore. I wish I could sleep forever, I wish I could die at night so I never have to face the reality again. But I open the eyes and suddenly, my life hits me hard. It’s all for real. I’m alone, I’m abandonned. You’ve done to me the only thing that I really and deeply fear. You abandoned me. After all our talks about honesty and shit, about not leaving each other, about all your promises, you fucking abandoned me.

My life without you has no taste, you know. No point. Yes, you were my reason to come over there for the summer. You were my reason to move earlier than planned. And I did it because I trusted you, I trusted you everytime you said ‘’I’m not leaving you’’, whereas you were full of doubts and didn’t even dare to tell me about them. How could you do that to me ? How could you take from me everything that you gave me ? I have nothing here at the moment. No friends, no one I can talk to, no one I can see to feel better, because it was all for you.

All I wanted was to be loved, to be cared about, to be important to someone. How could you lie to me all this time ? 

All I needed was you, with your troubles, illness, fears, nightmares and everythig that make your life impossible. I was ready. Why can’t people care about me ? Why am I not important to people ? Why am I not worth a fight ?

I just feel I’m worth nothing. And it hurts. 

And I still can’t hate you. 

[disturbedme]

Today was... a weird day. I felt really bad at midday when I woke up and talking to you, even for 3 messages, left me in a weird state of mind. Not sad, not hopeless, but just... as if I was out of the reality. Please, pardon me for not answering your last message. I can’t handle that kind of shitty talk where none of us can really express their feeling. I just can’t.

I don’t really know what is happening to me. Am I really recovering from that heartbreak or is my brain fucking trolling me ? I can eat again, I haven’t cry for two days and I feel okay. I don’t know what the fuck is happening. Because when I think of you, I feel deep down that I miss you. You told me that I can say I’m mad at you.  But I’m not. I’m disappointed by you, I’m sad, I’m lonely, I’m hurt, wounded, on my kneel and I need to focus my mind on series so I don’t think on you. But I’m not mad. I don’t hate you. I don’t want you to pay for what you’ve done to me, even if I should be so fucking mad that you let me come over there without telling me what was going wrong in your mind. But there is no anger in me. There is compassion, toward you. Careness. Love, of course.  No anger. No hate. 

I want to find some peaceful relationship with you. I want to be able to discover you again, in a new way. I want us to be something else than a couple, but in a strong relationship. I’m not talking about love, don’t be afraid. I’m not living into an illusion. I just don’t want you out of my life.  This so weird thing happened tonight that a guy talked to me on OKC. I answered, and we kept talking. And all I can think is that he is not as interesting as you were. I also perfectly know that I can’t love, because my heart is still yours. I can’t get it back because I gave it to you. And you can’t give it back to me. So basically, I’m talking to someone just because I feel so damn alone. I’m using that person. I mean, I’m not trying to replace you. No one can do that. I still love you, I still dream about you every night and I still need you to feel complete. I’m just so alone with myself there. I don’t have anybody even to talk to. Am I awful ? I just need to meet people in this fucking city before I turn insane. I have nobody there because even my roomate have left me. I have seen her for like, less than a day, and she wasn’t there on friday when I burst into tears for hours and fainted because of pain and lack of food.

 I’m so alone. And I do miss you...

[disturbedme]

Holy shit. So you’ve been reading me. How could I forget that I was following you from this blog and that you were following me, too... ? 

I’m so sorry. I didn’t want you to read all this. I can stop. I can try something else to feel better.

Seeing that you liked something make the struggle to not stalk your tumblr so hard. That’s a damn tentation. But I don’t want to read it. I’m too afraid of what I can find on it, or not find. I don’t know.

I don’t know what to do....

[disturbedme]

Third night without him. For the beginning, falling asleep has not been the hardest moment. I’m so exhausted that I fell asleep so quickly I don’t have the time to think.

The worst moment is waking up, and realising everything was not a nightmare. You really left me. I’m really alone. I’m really heatrbroken. Every morning, at the right second I open the eyes, my stomach and heart hurt.

I’m so alone here in this city. Roomie have been out for 2 days now, the only friend I have here has left for holidays. You were my only point of reference, and you knew it. Why did you let me arrive there if it was for doubts and pain ? I would like to hate you for that, but I can’t. Fuck it. 

Yesterday was a good day, I’m afraid today won’t. And I’ll still be alone. So fucking alone. 

[disturbedme]

I feel okay today. I mean, I’m sad and I miss him and I’m full of regrets but... my brain has gone on survival mode. I try to project myself on the future, I imagine my life without you, and even if it makes me fucking sad, I know I have something waiting for me. I wished it was with him. To be honest, I still wish it. But I can’t force him to love me. That’s something I’m not able to do, and believe me, I have tried my best. That doesn’t mean I’m going over the heartbreak and the hopeless state of mind. But whenever something horrible happens to me, my brain takes the control. 

I don’t know if it’s just for today, maybe tomorrow will be worse than ever. But this feeling is relieving. They are so many things I don’t admit about you and about us. There so many things I want to tell you. I’m full of regrets, you have filled me with hopes and took them away from me. I wish I could hate you for that. But now, if I’m honest, I just want to be sure that you’re okay. I do really hope you’re okay, you know. I hope you can find some sleep at night, I hope you’re finally relieved from the videos and the mémoire, I hope you’re going to have a great night.

You know what make me the saddest ? You didn’t give us the time to really live our story-couple. You took that away from me. But... Something inside me wants to say ‘’That’s okay’’. I can go over it. I am a strong and independant woman. You broke my heart, I’m used to that now. I can get over this shit. And you know what ? I’ll do my best because I do really want us to have a sane relationship. I know you can be something like a confident, my confident. I just hope I’m not wrong about you this time. That you still want something with me after the breakup (well, of course if you realise you still love me... you know here I am...) I wonder how many people here on the internet judge me insane for ... talking alone ? 

I think that in a few months, when I’ll really be over, I’ll get a diamond tattoo. I don’t know where or by who, I just know that... it defines a part of me, and it also defines a part of my life. A too short part, to be honest, but, maybe the one of the best. I won’t do it for you, don’t worry. I’ll do it for me, as a memory and also, as a symbol of the strong person I am. 

I’m not gonna say I’m wonderful as you kept saying it. But you were right, I’m a survivor. Even when I’m trapped in the dephts, I am survivor. (One day, I’m gonna show you this post. Not the others, just this one). 

[disturbedme]

Second night without him. Day 2 of holding my breath. I was so exhausted that I felt asleep quickly. But one more time I dreamt about you. Can you leave me in peace please ? How are you today ? I guess you've been working on roomie's video the whole night. I hope you're done. I hope you'll be ready for the concert. I feel so empty. My body wants me dead. I can't eat without throwing up. I fought against me to not faint yersterday. Maybe that's the solution. Starve myself to death. I need to be relieved of my pain. I realised I forgot jeans at his place. I want them back but I can't see him. It's too early. The problem is he's moving soon. Maybe I should ask his roomie to keep them for me and to give them back to me later, when I'll be better. I don't want to see pity into his (roomie) eyes. And seing him will just make me think of tons of memories. I'm not ready. I'll never be. And it's impossible for me to see him personally. I can't handle the looks he was giving to me but neither can I handle him not looking at me. I feel trapped. I'm turning insane.

[disturbedme]

Places I can’t handle to go anymore :

- Place des Terreaux

- That amazing bar in the Vieux Lyon

- La Bourse

- Bellecour

- The two best ice cream shops

- Croix-Rousse

- Burlesque du dimanche

I feel so empty. So cold. I would have tons of things to write but even for that I’m too tired.

I tried my best to be ran over by a car today. Can someone kill me ? I hope you’re done with your videos. I hope you’re gonna enjoy the concert tomorrow. I hope you sleep at night. I hope you got your new meds. I hope you’re doing better than me. I love you. 

[disturbedme]

Kik : deleted

Texts conversations : deleted

OKC conversations : deleted

Mails conversations : deleted

Memories... still fucking here

[disturbedme]

I wonder if you asked him to talk to me or if he decided it by himself. Are you that worried about me ? Probably not. I hope you’re not, I’m not worth it. At the beginning I was hoping that you read me. Now, I’m just realistic, I hope you don’t. Not because I have something to hide but because I would feel guilty. I don’t want you to feel bad about me. That’s stupid though because I didn’t tell you about this blog. Not even sure there is one person here on the internet reading me.

I wish I could feel good so we could have a beer as two adults, Two friends, two confidents. This kind of relationship is something I want with you. Am I dreaming and being naive again ? I definitely don’t want to lose you. But I want to lose me. I’m so scared of tonight, when I’ll be alone. I was supposed to see a friend but she finally can’t, and roomie is going at her boyfriend’s.  I’m terrified of the moments I will have to face myself. To confront my thoughts and fears. To confront my memories. To try to forget you. To forgive us. I feel like I have to forgive myself for what I’ve done to me. I hate myself for trusting you, for loving you. I hate myself for the pain I’m going through right now. Most of all, I hate myself for being so shitty, so down, so fragile. I hate myself for being so naive. I was naive to believe that someone would love me. Would fight for me. Would prove me I’m worth it. 

He did his best, i know it, I know him. But why can’t his best make my happiness ?

I don’t even know why i’m writting there. He told me once that it was kind of a therapy for him. Well, maybe it’s a therapy because people answer him.  I regret that I haven’t fed my blog for so long, otherwise I would have my old followers to talk to. I’m alone, and I’m slowly turning insane...

[disturbedme]

He told me I am a survivor. He called me ‘’Diamond’’ because he believes I’m unbreakable and that every disaster I survive to make me stronger. What if I fail at surving this time ?

I keep fighting : do not text him, do not stalk his tumblr, do not call him, do not come at his home... 

[disturbedme]

I went on his tumblr, just to know if he was talking about me. Then, while the site was loading, I realised that it would be a mistake. So I closed the tumblr. Just had the time to see a pic of a statue (hope I didn’t like it or stuff -_-). I’m so pathetic. I wish he could read me. But, that wouldn’t change anything. Need his love. His arms. I have his smell all over me, even after a long shower yesterday. Please, come back... 

[disturbedme]

Worst part is I still worry about him. Will he have enough time to finish everything for his master ? Is he doing well with the video of his roomie ? Most of all, I hope his appointment this morning went well. That he can finally take his new meds. That he is gonna be alright. I was so sure that those new meds would change everything, that they would erase his doubts about me, I was deeply sure that everything was due to his illness. Basically, I didn’t want to admit that his feeling doesn’t always depends on his illness. How stupid was I. I hate myself for that.

Some piece of me hope he will realise he loves me. I know it’s not gonna happen. But that would be so relieving. To know that for once, the person I want, wants me. That I’m not loving the wrong person, as I always do.

Most of the time I’m okay with people not loving me. But when I love someone, why can’t I be loved back ? What’s wrong with me ? He said thousands times that I am wonderful. How the fuck can a wonderful girl not be loved ? Am I that ugly ? That stupid ? That disgusting ?

‘’It’s  not you, it’s me’’. Holy shit, I’d rather be guilty. I’d rather be a cheater or a liar so I’m not a victim. One more time.

I feel like I won’t give myself to someone anymore.

I spend my time wondering if it was worth it. Yes it was, for him, because I probably helped him surviving. Was it worth it for me ? Is the pain worth the memories ? I’ve given so much to him. I’ve abandonned myself to him. And now, I’m more alone than I ever was, in a city I don’t know except for the places we’ve visited together. I felt in love with the city mostly because I discovered it through love and careness. Now, even going to work is painful because he came with me the first time so I didn’t stress too much or get lost. Why are you everywhere in my head and in my life ? Why is your ghost torturing me ? I want you back. Most of all, I want you to love me. Worst part is nobody’s reading me because my blog is dead. And you’re not reading it because I’m not even sure I told you about this blog. Basically, I’m talking to myself. Is there someone somewhere to answer ? I’m turning insane.

[disturbedme]

First night without him. I was so tired that I felt asleep without not crying too much. But today my head hurts because of all the tears from yesterday. I can't help wondering how he feels and if his life is better without me. Is your life better ? Do you miss me as much as I miss you... ? I do my best to not tex him. It's too early. I need his voice and arms. Why can't people love me ? What's wrong with me ? I'm so scared of tonight when I'll be absolutely alone because roomate is going to see her boyfriend. I want my boyfriend back...

[rsvnr]

Do you ever just feel like you’re not the type of person that people fight for to be a part of their lives?

[sonata-of-the-soul-deactivated2]

yo

[disturbedme]

My life in a nutshell ...

[disturbedme]

I'm not even sure there are people who are going to read this. But damn I need to write down how fucked up I feel. How shitty and lonely. I can't even hate him. Maybe hating him would make it easier. Please come back to me... I need him so badly.