My Bucket

Just random stuff I like or want to share like a kid making “food” in a bucket of dirt, water, and whatever else they find

[dizzydez]

Me unable to sleep cause I’m too hot under 3 blankets, but refusing to let any of my heat go cause I don’t want to wake up cold like the last few nights.

[veeaziel]

every day i am percieved™️

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

There is a reason for this though!

The original tweet summarizes it pretty well. Fanfic tends to be popular among certain types of neurodivergent people (aka people most likely to read excessively as a child, and have burnout as an adult) for the same reasons that we tend to hyperfixate–neurochemical signaling (I hope I’m using that phrase correctly). What I mean is, for people who are really dependent on changes in dopamine/serotonin/neurotransmitter levels, who have low levels or wonky neural reward systems (perhaps the most common types of neurodivergence)…people like us rely on dependable external sources of those neurochemicals. In order to function, we spend a lot of our free time trying to level out our brain chemistry using things that can reliably bring us a steady stream of joyful moments (rewards) without costing too much of the mental effort that is already in short supply. 

significantly: the investment of reading has to be balanced with a steady “return on investment”–and this return has to start fairly quickly. because again, we don’t have a lot of attention/energy to invest on tiring things. we have perpetual “low batteries” in that regard.

that doesn’t mean these stories are “simple,” or that they lack complexity or value–only that the reward has to come in short regular intervals, and it has to have a low “upfront cost.” these stories are only “easy” to read in the sense that the effort we put into them is rewarded in a timely manner. which is why fanfic stories are so perfectly formulated for neurodivergent readers–they are often beautifully written, but skip a lot of the upfront costs (of introducing new characters, of world-building, of getting the audience emotionally connected to the story elements).

the nature of fanfiction is that the reader has a pre-existing relationship with this world and these characters. that–combined with the shorter average length of fics–means that fan fics very quickly start rewarding the reader in a way that traditional fiction struggles to. that’s not a bad thing! and maybe it’s something more traditionally published writers should be paying attention to.

Fanfic, as a genre, has been uniquely helpful and accessible to many neurodivergent readers who would otherwise struggle to immerse themselves in stories. I’m glad so many of you have found a way to love and enjoy reading again! The important thing is that you are spending time inside stories you love–the way those stories are published or presented to the world is just one detail. The fact that you find joy in the process of reading (or listening!) to stories–that is what matters.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

tags: but for readers who also want to get back into reading traditionally published fiction, i recommend starting with short stories! short stories have a lot of the benefits that fan fics do. the storyline progresses and climaxes more quickly. there’s not as much room so the writer has to deliver the meaning of the story in fewer words (which is really helpful if you’re struggling to enjoy longer fiction that takes too long to ‘pay off’). plus it’s less of an investment and commitment than full-length novels. and if you read anthologies you can just skip a story–or multiple stories–until you find one you vibe with (easier to skip a short story in a collection than a chapter in a novel). re-reading books you read years ago is also a good way to start getting back into longer fiction! look for things that let you skim or skip parts when the pacing is too slow. also consider a book series, with the same characters and/or story structure (especially helpful if they can be read out of published order, like with many detective novels). basically, stories are easier to get settled into when your brain knows what to expect. (another reason fanfiction is so useful: the tagging system) 

concept: reading you do in your leisure time SHOULD NOT FEEL LIKE A CHORE. if it feels like a chore that means you should find a different story. probably in a different format, genre, etc. you can always come back to a story later, but if you aren’t in the frame of mind where you can enjoy it–then honestly what is the point? if you aren’t reading this for a class or for information you need to know, then just…read something else in the mean time. read something that works for you in your current mental state. there is no shame in that, and it is so much better than the alternative of forcing yourself through a book you chose to read for fun and enjoyment. the important thing is that you are finding stories you can enjoy right now–in whatever genre or format–and you get to be proud of yourself for doing that.

[dizzydez]

I hate it when I’m not sure I heard something right so I repeat what I thought I heard with and obvious questioning tone and then the person repeats the whole thing with emphasis on every word like I’m dumb. Like holly shit dude! You could have just told me I was right or corrected the one word I was asking about.

My feelings were hurt and I almost cried. Stop treating me like I’m stupid when I already feel like I am.

[dizzydez]

How am I supposed to enforce my sister’s sleeping schedule when she snuggles? Like I know she’s supposed to be awake rn, but imma nap with her! 😴

[dizzydez]

I dreamt last night that I was attempting to avoid running into the baby gate. Irl I hit my head on a hard part of my bed, woke up, thought “that’s not was I was going for”, adjusted myself, and went back to sleep.

[dizzydez]

Friend 1: Why is your hair like this?

Me: *Blushing* Well... There's this guy I like-

Friends: *Excited faces*

Me: That's not real! He doesn't Exist!

Sister: Anime

Friend 2:At first I was like "Why haven't I heard of this?!"

[dizzydez]

So I’m rewatching Yuri on Ice and remembered this... lol so yeah I had my hair cut like Yurio’s. Almost every day I was wearing my hair up like his. Before that my hair was kinda long, and I haven’t had my hair past my shoulders since and that was a little over 2 years ago.

I keep saying I want my hair long and then cutting it again.

[dizzydez]

I really fucking appreciate my friends. They make me feel loved, cared for, and heard; especially when lately I’ve been feeling like the people around me have me on mute.

I say that I don’t feel like celebrating my birthday and would rather pretend it doesn’t exist, because I feel old and like a year was stolen from me due to the pandemic. I wake up on my birthday and my mom walks into my room to tell me happy birthday, had hung up a sign, says happy birthday again and hugs me (which makes me uncomfortable because I haven’t been very close to her since last year before my senior year started) and she makes a post on Facebook.

My mom bothers me about what I want for Christmas, I tell her that I don’t want to celebrate, she keeps bothering me, I cave and give her a list of things I want, cause if she’s going to get me something anyway it might as well be something I’d like.

In August I finally admitted to being depressed, because at that point I lost motivation. I got told by my stepdad that he couldn’t care less and some other hurtful things that I don’t even remember, cause I was just sitting there crying. After wards he acted like nothing even happened. Then last month just before thanksgiving during another lecture(I just said that I want to get a job so that I can save money for college and feel like I’m progressing in life) I have to say it again. He said that I mentioned it one time. I said “it’s not exactly easy to talk about.” As if I’d want to talk about it with him again after the results of the first time. Next day nothing again.

My friends on the other had are like this:

I say “I want to have a big candle collection someday” and over the years they’ve been gifting me candles and now I have a small candles collection.

I tell my friends that I want a ton of hoodies like Carter Howie, one of my best friends brings me a hoodie and some chocolate as a gift. As much as I wanted to feel annoyed that it was a bday gift.

Yesterday one of my friends brought me a My Hero Academia hoodie, a Supernatural necklace, a chef hat pin, and a small box of Yuri On Ice stickers. I felt so known! Last year she gave me an ice skate ornament too. I wanted to hug her so bad, but covid still is a thing so we stayed 6’ apart.

Also yesterday, one of my friends sent me one of those TikToks that is like “send this to your best friend.” That felt really nice. https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJg4Dgxk/ this is a link to that video.

One of my friends doesn’t even watch anime, but she will let me be excited and tell her all about whatever one I’m watching at the time.

I feel like I should mention that I’ve been friends with them for 7 years, 6 years, 5 years, and 4 years. I’m glad that I found them. As much as I miss my family and childhood friends, they made moving away from my home town feel worth it. Idk what my life would be like without them.

[dizzydez]

Level 1: Reading a word you don’t know.

Level 2: Knowing that word when you read it because you looked it up.

Level 3: Figuring out how to be the one to use the word.

Level 4: Realizing how easy life would have been a long time ago if you knew the word sooner.

[dizzydez]

Mom: Stop arguing with me

Me: I wasn’t aware we were arguing

Mom: Anything that goes back and forth feels like it

Me: ... So any conversation

[dizzydez]

Is ring throwing some sort of toxic man thing? Like do girls throw their engagement/wedding rings around during fights? Cause when I was 7-8 my dad threw his wedding ring during a fight that I remember well, and not long after that my parents divorced. Last night my mom’s fiancé threw his ring when they were fighting.

I swear to the most stable thing in my life that if I’m ever in a relationship and my partner throws their ring, that it will be over right then and there and Taylor Swift’s “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” will be on my mind.

[dizzydez]

Music on shuffle

Me: mm this song doesn’t really fit the current vibe, but it’s been a while so I’ll vibe with it anyway.

[dizzydez]

I just want a ton of cats to name after each of the members of the Nekoma Volleyball Club. Sadly I can’t even have one cat, because my stepdad is allergic to cats.

[dizzydez]

Kids Show: Do you know how many fingers you have?

Me: I’m pretty sure I have 10, but I haven’t counted them in a while

[dizzydez]

Me: Hmm I should take a nap

Time: 11:56 am

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

“my house my rules” if you have children it is not just your house, it is their home. and they are utterly dependent on you. 

you make the rules but the rules exist specifically to assist w/ the growth and wellbeing of your children. so you need to listen to their input when making them. 

[dizzydez]

My stepdad is constantly reminding me that I live in his house. While I’m almost 19 now, he’s been saying it since we moved into this house around 2.5 years ago.

He’s a manipulative asshole, and I’m in the process of figuring out how to leave with the world as it is.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

studying history is such a different experience once you start looking for the queer people whose queerness was erased. queerness was present at every time and every place; no matter how many times history is rewritten it's still there to be rediscovered

[dizzydez]

I must have like a massive crush on Kenma, because I had a dream last night that Hinata and I were friends and he brought Kenma over to my house and I got extremely excited to have Kenma over. I can’t even remember the last time I was that happy awake. Brain, what happened? I thought we were crushing on Bokuto!