hi there! i was scrolling through your blog and i wanted to just say that i love it and i wish you the best because you truly do deserve it.. i hope this helps at least a bit <333
Hi! Thank you so much for caring. I hope you're at a good place in life :) you deserve it
It's cold outside. And dark too. I should have brought a jacket.
Is this it? Am I finally doing it? Is this really the end?
The view from here is amazing. There is something magical about rooftops. Everything is so tiny, you get a whole new perspective on life.
I put my hands on top of the wall to jump so I can sit on it and I keep my hands there in order to mantain my balance. I guess I want to savour every moment I have left.
I'm facing the door that led me here, kind of waiting for it to burst open. However, my hopes fade after a few minutes of no one opening it. Of no one coming to help me. Of no one caring.
I should be used to it by now. But the pain never really stops, does it?
A coping technique I was taught to ease my anxiety attacks comes to mind right now although I'm not exactly sure why. Maybe my brain is trying to avoid what I'm about to do?
I'm afraid it's too late. But I'll give it a shot anyway. Not that it has ever worked or even helped the slightest, I just don't have anything to lose anymore.
So here we go again.
5 things I can see.
The door.
That stupid door. It's made of a dark brown wood. And it's closed.
The walls.
They used to be white before all the kids painted graffiti on them. They're full of drawings and words I can't understand.
Uh... The ground?
It's just grey. A dark grey. A few fading drawings made with chalk still there.
I turned my head to my right looking for something else.
The lights.
The chandeliers on top of the other buildings. They are bright and their light is yellowish. I always prefered those to the white ones.
Should I really do this? This is a waste of time, it won't change a thing.
A heavy sigh leaves my lips as I rest my hands behind me so I can let my head fall back and look up more comfortably.
The sky.
A blue so dark it could swallow me. And I wish it did. How can it be so bright at the same time? All those little dots, so far away, staring at me. I've always found it pretty. However, it recently gained a deeper meaning in my eyes, not longer being just a pretty sky.
Well, let's move on to the next step.
4 things I can touch.
The wall.
It's cold against my body. And it keeps me from falling too soon.
The wind.
It's more like a breeze, though. It's so light I could even fail to notice it if I wasn't paying enough attention. It has a cold touch against my skin as well.
My shirt.
It moves with the breeze that has gotten stronger now, hitting me ever so gently. It's as if it wants to fly away but can't because it's stuck with me.
I undertand that.
One more thing I can touch...
My thoughts.
Definitely my thoughts.
And my feelings too, or the lack of them.
My emptiness is certainly touchable.
I can't see them, it's true, but oh... Do I feel them.
My thoughts and my emptiness. They're sat here with me on this wall underneath this sky, I'm sure of that. Both hugging me so tight I'm going to suffocate. And this thightness hurts.
They're ready to push me off this building, but I'm still fighting. I want to hold on a bit longer, perhaps that door can still open.
Next one.
3 things I can hear.
I like to close my eyes for this one. It's soothing, I'll give it that.
The cars.
They're rushing to their destinies. Even though they're 20 flats below me, I can hear them clearly as they're quite noisy. But I don't hate it, actually I like the sound pretty much. It calms me, it's just there, it's constant, it doesn't stop. It hasn't left me since I came here.
People.
Laughing, walking, talking, crying, screaming. Every sound they make is distant, though. I can barely hear them but they're definitely there.
The voices.
And these are not distant, these are way too close. They're in my head, screaming, whispering, yelling at each other. They've been with me for quite a long time now. I'm so used to their presence already, I don't think I could even live without them. It's not that I like them or anything, I don't. They're not what you call kind or healthy or good. But they're there, and they're basically the only thing that has come and hasn't gone. And I appreciate that.
Moving on.
2 things you can smell.
Food.
Meat. Fried chicken to be more precise. I would recognise this one everwhere, it used to smell so good years ago. What happened? Why does it make me so sick now? Why do I want throw up so bad even thought I have nothing on my stomach? What happened?
Memories.
Yes, I can smell memories. They kind of smell like fried chicken too, back in the days I used to love it. Every now and then my parents would buy it at a fast food restaurant and head to my grandparent's house. We used to spend the whole day there, it was awesome, I remember loving it so much. After lunch, with greasy hands, I would make an airplane, which never flew too far because I never made them properly, the rush caused by the excitement being too big for me to ignore. Then I would just run around the garden. Ah... It feels so good to smile after so long. I used to hold the plane on my hand as high as I could, and I believe it was higher than I could ever reach today.
I would run towards my family, who would still be sat at the table chatting about what they so liked to call "adult things". The smile on my face was the biggest when I would yell "Mum! Mum! Look at me! I'm flying mum!" but no matter how big it was, my mother always had the power to take it off my face with words capable of destroying even the purest joy.
She was always able to take my excitement away but never my dreams. I would simply walk away from her and go to the terrace, where I could be the closest to the planes that kept on crossing the sky. Despite being sad at the time, now I don't think she really meant to hurt me or anything, she was probably just tired.
Tired of me. It happens a lot. People tend to get fed up with the sad girl who never wants to do anything very easily. But I'm used to that too.
Anyway, there was something about flying, something magical. Something so pure that only a child could see. It was liberating in some way. I lived for the day I could finally fly. If someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, the word "pilot" would be rolling off my tongue before I knew it.
I honestly feel like that says a lot. I used to have dreams, so what am I doing here?
The last one now. The end is getting closer and I don't really feel sad about it. I don't feel happy either.
One thing I can taste.
This is an easy one.
Sour, without a doubt.
Sour because of the people who left. Sour because of the ones who will never open that door even if I screamed for help. Sour because life stopped being sweet to me when I was still a kid. Sour because I'm tired of living, tired of myself. Sour because I've been suffering for way longer than I could ever deal with. Sour because I'm about to end it all for good.
Well, I guess that sour never tasted that bad, after all.
And it's over now. It didn't really help. But then again, I'm used to things that don't work. I wasn't expecting anything from this stupid coping mechanism. But I kind of was. I was kind of hoping something in my mind would change. I'm not surprised, just disappointed.
Oh well, what was I waiting for? I'm broken. And it's way too late for trying to fix me. I don't really have the energy for that anyway so why should I bother?
I bring my knees to my chest and for a minute I want to stay here like this. I don't want to move. It's peaceful up here. I don't want to live, but I don't want to die either. However, I do want to end the suffering.
So I slowly stand on my feet using my arms to balance myself and turn my head to look down.
Wow, I'm so far from the ground. And this doesn't scare me, no, not at all, it actually makes me happy for the first time in a while. This feeling inside me is great, I'm finally doing it.
I look at my surroundings to see people in their homes through the windows. Some are watching TV alone, others are playing with their kids and a few are still having dinner. All of them look happy, laughing and having a good time with people who love them, with people who chose to stay.
A smile appears on my lips for the second time in the night.
They have found hapiness and I'm going to find mine.
I turn myself in order to face the door I grew to hate. Hoping again. I'm not even sure what for anymore.
It's closed as I expected. No one there to keep me in this world and I think I'm glad for being able to finally go.
It's now. I can't believe this. It's really now.
I raise my arms and straighten them on my sides, ready to fall back at any moment. My eyes are closed and my cheeks are wet, but a subtle smile is still on my face.
The wind is stronger and colder than it was before, however, I'm not cold anymore. The cars are still passing, I can hear them. The voices are still there as well, but fading fastly.
I take a deep breath as it feels like I'm running out of air. Another anxiety attack trying to win me over again. But I won't let it. No, not a chance.
Without giving it a second thought I allow myself to let go. And it feels so good letting go. The relief is priceless.
I'm falling.
I'm falling. I'm falling. I'm falling.
But am I really? I don't think so.
I think I'm doing something way more magical. Because if this doesn't feel like magic then I don't know what does.
Hi your blog is very authentic and beautiful but i see you're in a lot of pain. If you ever want to talk to someone, i will be here for you. Just say yes to this post and ill send you a message 💖 (Its okay if you dont want/need to, i understand if you just use tumblr to express yourself)
Hi, thank you. It has been a difficult year, so tumblr kind of helps me cope with the pain. I appreciate a lot the fact that you want to help me even though you don't know me. People like you give me hope. Thank you for making my day a little bit better.
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