House of Stone

I had a marvelous time ruining everything

[dndllgrc]

Every time I become myself in full color, I get isolated. Every time I hide who I am and conform, I get depressed. What a curse to be born with ADHD and Autism.

[dndllgrc]

Life is already tragic by nature because death exists, because carnivores exist, because mortality is limiting, because love exists. I don't understand why we have to make things 100x harder with classism, racism, sexism, and ableism. I really do not understand.

[dndllgrc]

Things I learned on my recovery from cptsd + executive dysfunction after 5 years of ADHD medication, on/off anti-depressants, change of lifestyle and environment, and trial/error of multiple supplements:

Environment is the #1 key to recovery. Surround yourself with competent people who believe in you and see potential in you.

Water and sleep surpass ALL.

10k steps per day doesn't work on me, I do 6k steps instead.

Being picky who you'll be in a relationship with is a MUST. It's better to stay single if not all of the requirements are ticked.

Medication is a privilege that generations before me had no access to. No matter the money they had.

My diagnosis filled in the missing piece in the puzzle of why I was always either tired, drained, or sickly.

Supplements I tried and worked:

Shilajit (made me super sleepy)

Korean ginseng

Magtein Magnesium L-threonate

NMN

Lion's Mane Mushroom

Multivitamins catered for women

Supplements I tried, did not see any results (or I just gave up faster):

L-theanine (gave up in two weeks)

Fish Oil (had a negative reaction w/ my ADHD medication so I had to stop)

Ashwagandha (made me h×rny)

[alexis-everafter]

the people’s princess (travis kelce) is marrying the leader of the free world (taylor swift) and my heart is so full

[tonedeafandh0t]

Ever since I was a little girl I knew hating Taylor Swift was rooted in misogyny and every day I’m proven right

[noitsjosh-deactivated20151207]

You guys have no idea how much this means to me as I’ve been in a pretty bad/weird slump the past few days. This means the world to me. I could not ask for more. I appreciate this so much, Taylor. I really do. Thanks for being in my corner as I am in yours. Love you, see you soon! 

[mysharona1987]

[swagophile]

important reminder that most people you follow online are significantly lamer than you think they are including me. and if you feel insecure comparing yourself to someone online: DON'T. theyre probably also lame and weird. most people on the internet are

[columbusswift]

he had a friendship bracelet and a dream

[dndllgrc]

Am I.... a fucking asexual!?

[dndllgrc]

I have noticed multiple times before that I never really liked dick pics unless it came from someone I deeply love. It's easier for me to reach climax when I see human activities, such as sports or achievements, or nature than it is for me to watch porn, or look at dicks.

[dndllgrc]

I used to think I was a moon, but damn. I have been the sun all along. I shine so bright, I burn everyone who comes near me. Despite my flaw, some still gravitate towards me, for some reason. I was lucky enough to help one create life from my heat, fierce and fire. He saw me and did not burn, he says my light illuminated his world that flowers grew and birds sang.

[dndllgrc]

I have been wrong in interpreting nonverbal actions most of the time. It has almost ruined, if not all, of my relationships. I don't know why people stay or why I'm so stubborn about staying alive. At this point, the most logical solution is to kill myself. Unfortunately, I have gone past logic and went to doing things out of gut feeling and the funness of it. I don't know why some people still like me, or are kind to me. I do know why some aren't, and I understand why.

My parents were mean to me. They said they only stay because I am their child. It's the only logical solution. I wish they stay because they love me. They've said those things a long time ago but it has been my truth since. I look at people who hate me, mostly because I'm too blunt or sometimes because I'm naturally an asshole, and nod in agreement. I can't help it. I'm exhausting.

[dndllgrc]

I saw it again. The news about a swan dying of a broken heart after she found her eggs broken when vandalizers threw a brick in her nest.

Life is already cruel with the reality of death, sickness, carnivorism, and natural calamities.

Idk why we're so cruel to animals and to children. I don't understand.

[dndllgrc]

I remember their names now. But not all of them. I forgot one person. Sasha. Kara. Pat. Abby. I forgot 1. The one I had forgotten was attending UST when I met her and is studying architecture. I remember her face, ironically, but not her name.

I did them wrong. Sasha, especially. She did not deserve the punishment I gave for the plagiarism she committed. I learned alot from this experience and have only revealed it now. It's been 5 years.

I bet Kara still hates me to the core.

[dndllgrc]

I want to be healed but somehow I can't fully heal because I was not given the privilege of closure. I really loved my batchmates and still mourn losing them. I still want to be friends with Rafael Religioso even though he doesn't want to be friends with me anymore because of my ex, and it's shameful to admit that I still do because of my pride. I really love him as a friend, he is my first true straight male friend, and I really genuinely miss him. It sucked also because I know he cheated on his girlfriend and that he was mean towards his ex by the end of his relationship, but maybe this is why friendships are complicated. He made me feel safe despite the gender difference. He listened to all the teas I brought with me, and he shared his teas as well. He is the most accommodating batchmate, and he offers his home with warmth to everyone despite people being mean to him for so long. I miss my friendship with him and his ex, Shyrene. I miss being their third wheel, although I do admit that they fit better as platonic friends than lovers. I really miss our triad. I remember back then, we had an activity in one of our extra-curricular subjects and the question was "who is your bestfriend". Rafael answered and pointed his dog as his long time bestfriend, while everyone else pointed at a person. I wish I was a better friend back then. I wasn't, and that's the awful reality as to why he chose my ex over me.

I lost Raprap along with my other batchmates. I am done thinking that it is due to the fact that I broke up with someone who has a higher social importance than me and finally owning up my contributions to this failure.

I learned from this experience, although it took me quite some time to do so, I learned hard. Really hard. So hard that it made me hypervigilant of my surroundings and took social interactions more seriously. The game is still, in my opinion, unappealing and unnecessary but denying its existence won't make it go away.

I wish to not repeat the same mistakes now. As I have repeated it in the past with Angelyka, Celina, Abigail, and Denise. As I have done so poorly with... Oh I have forgotten their names!

I know I am an awful person, a flawed human being. So I try to be good even when I am bad at trying. I wish I will do it right this time.

[dndllgrc]

I wish I knew why I feel so much. I wish I could turn it off and go about my day, but ever since I unlearned my internal misogyny—everything fell apart. All at once, love became the center of my life. Anything not rooted in love and compassion, I do not adhere. I love so strongly, therefore I mourn deeply.

Makalat nga lang. I learn every step of the way how to do it better. I'm so sorry for the people I have hurt. Thank you for paving the way for me to love better.

[dndllgrc]

I was not the same person after I survived my abuse. I became softer than I was before I got in. I look back and no longer feel pity because I feel so proud of that 23 year old me who dared to stay and fight for my right to exist.

My anger is much firmer these days, my sadness much more melancholy, and my smiles genuine. I am thankful to have been blessed with the opportunity to be humbled by that experience. I almost died in my own hands, and I now live with open arms.

I have loved and have lost, and I still have the stamina for more. More friends, more experiences, more adventures. What a beautiful poetic life this is. I am glad.