I'm pretty good besides the fact...

I'm not depressed I just have bad days. This is a place where I can vent.

[doingprettygood]

Then there was

Joey. He was so refreshing. He reminded me that there are genuinely good guys out there. I was reminded that I shouldn’t settle for less because nice guys do exist. His natural abilities when playing soccer was fun to watch. I felt happy. He gave me two compliments he had said I did a good job defending against this tall guy and the second was that I showed firmness when I wanted to throw the ball in.  I guess the second one wasn’t necessarily a compliment but I was happy he noticed me. I developed a short lived crush that lasted for about 3-4 weeks. It made me sad seeing him the last time because of what happened to me. It made me sad because I want a good guy that I would have chosen to be intimate with, like Joey. The last time I saw Joey I was sad because as great of a guy Joey is I’m not Joeys type. I could never be Joey’s type. His type consisted of someone who is active and can hold their own in social situations and he said a third quality that I didn’t hear because i was too busy grappling withe the second quality he looked for; which i did not possess. The way he phrased it made it sound like the complete opposite of what I am and of what I could never be. After that I was also reminded me that I am in the pursuit of personal growth. I may never be Joey’s type but maybe I’ll meet a great guy and after some growth i’ll be this great guy’s type. Thanks Joey for reminding me of things to look forward to and stirring up feelings. I hadn’t had a crush on someone in so long I thought I had lost the ability. Joey is a great guy and he deserves a great girl. I’m just not his great girl.

[veryfunnymemes]

[doingprettygood]

I’m not doing pretty good

I feel lost. I feel a pit in my stomach. A person I thought I could trust failed me in such a sad way. I know I shouldn’t trust people but I though I was finally breaking down my walls. 

When I was a lifeguard on duty and older woman walked up to me and patted my knee and said that I looked so sad. I was caught off guard because that point in time I wasn’t feeling anything. I think she saw something that I could not; my deep as the sea sadness. I feel sad now. 

When I’ve had too much to drink I unleash the floodgate of emotions that have been pent up an masked by my indifference.

One time my coworker asked me if i ever get mad or if ever feel anything for that matter. I was caught off guard because I didn’t think I showed that much indifference but looking back I had a complete poker face in instances where I had the right to feel angry. The way my dentist boss acted made anyone that worked under her want to pull out their hair. The most I felt was stressed but for the most part I kept my emotions under control.

If people are passionate in the way they feel I am the complete opposite. I’ve worked hard to not feel things, If I don’t feel things that means I can’t feel the pain. I’ve worked hard to make go unnoticed. I tired of that. I’m shy but pushing through it. I want people to notice me. I want to make people feel happy that they met me. Right now I am easy to forget, I’ve always been that way. I feel like it all started when my family forgot about me. 

I feel so empty and an itch in my throat. I can’t go outside my room. If I do, I have to face more emotions than I would like. I don’t what to feel. I don’t know how I should feel. I don’t know myself. I thought I was making progress but i came crashing down pretty hard. I’m struggling. I want to talk about it. I don’t want to talk about because no one cares and if they do they don’t know me well enough to help me. Nobody really knows me because I don’t really know myself.

I don’t remember anything. The next morning I see you on my bed and I am still so out of it. I go to the bathroom and then to Janeth’s room to get away-from you. I pass out. I wake up and feel pain in places that make me feel bad all the way to my heart. I feel confused as to how everything went on that night. I ignored everything for a week and kept telling myself everything was fine. The whole time I wasn’t fine because I know that I never wanted to have sex with you. I have never given you any indication when I’m sober that I’m interested in you.  Through out that entire night I was so drunk I was ultimately taken advantage of by you. I was told that at one point even strangers wanted to help me get away from you. I was told I was so drunk I couldn’t even hold myself up. I was told this because I don’t remember anything. I don’t remember anything because I was too drunk. I want you to know that you did something wrong. You had sex with a girl that was way too drunk and you took advantage of the situation. You may try to think of these words differently but you have to know you did something wrong and that you shouldn’t do it again. 

[politijohn]

[doingprettygood]

Everything is temporary and that’s okay.

[doingprettygood]

I can breathe. It’s okay. I’m okay.

[doingprettygood]

I feel so lost. All i ever wanted in life was stability and now I have this feeling like I want to throw up all the time. I want to fall asleep in the arms of safety. I want to be enveloped with nothing but pure love and peace. I want to sleep an eternal slumber where I can live in a world full of bliss.

I’m scared that everyday I have no idea what will happen, more so than usual. I feel like I was dropped in the middle of the ocean and I’m getting more and more tired trying to stay afloat. I just want to let go. I can’t I have to believe that things will get better and I will feel full. Full of love and happiness.

Why do people leave me? Why do people die? Why don’t I fight for the ones I love? Why do I feel so unloved and insecure? I hate that I fear change so much.

I hurt so much. I’ve been hurting. It’s okay. I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay. Everything is fine.

[doingprettygood]

All I want is love and affection from myself and from another.

[saber-chan]

My parents aren’t home

You know what that means

*sits in the living room instead of sealing myself away in my room*

[pettycentral]

[brujeriasssssss-deactivated2019]

[doingprettygood]

I feel like I’m a fake. When I’m hanging out with friends I’m laughing and smiling but on the inside I feel empty and sad.

[doingprettygood]

I want to be brought back to life.

[doingprettygood]

I’m a shell of a person.

I feel like I’m a pumpkin with its innards scraped out and I’m just hollow on the inside.

I feel like I can never be filled; fulfilled.

[doingprettygood]

I NEED HELP

This is a shout for help. I really wanted to hang out with my friends tonight. My best friend is tired and I respect that. I’ve been looking forward to this ( eating Ramen) almost all week. I NEED to hang out with them to escape my own INSANITY. I have many emotions that need to be ignored and all i’m left is to cope with them. I want to continue to ignore them.... until I’m ready which I don't think i’ll ever be. It’s a cry for help I admit that. I desperately need the help, I admit. Its nice to numb the pain once in awhile but recently it’s been getting harder and harder to ignore. I know my friendS have struggles of their own. I don’t want to burden them because I love them so much. It hurts so much that i’m not as close with my sister as I used to be..IT HURTS ALOT. So much more than  a person can imagine. I went to my first therapy session on Wed and I don’t know how I feel. its Fri and my face feels numb from crying so much. I’m trying to get ahold of myself so i can go to work tomorrow. I want to feel everything and not feel everything at the same time. I want to feel feel happy and I think I need to know true sadness as well. IT HURTS. so much. Its inevitable, I think...... I’ve gotten help and I want to stay off meds at the same time. I want my friends t know without me telling me them. At the same time, how are they going to know if I don't tell them?

[doingprettygood]

Workin’ Moms Review

To preface, I must say that I’ve been day drinking since (I think) 1 and it’s almost 3 PM and I don't know which # of glass of wine i’m on. Also I am a young single child free woman. I do have to applaud this show bc it taps into my softer side and makes me think that having a child is not the end of my life and that it would actually be nice. I’m thinking of my current casual partner and how it would be nice if he and I became more than casual and that we could end up at a place with a child.  I mean, i’m not wanting a child tomorrow or the next but in the possible near future it wouldn’t be bad and actually ( barf) be a blessing. I also admire Kate’s boss because he kind of takes a father figure role in the show and doesn’t portray the typical mysogynistic male boss (so far). Richard actively takes a moment to meet up with her and advises her to, “ Go for the jugular.” I admire that Richard does look out for Kate as an almost daughter and not anything more sexist. Yes, there are times when Richard sees nothing but a ‘mom’ when he looks to Kate. I’m not asking for a standing ovation for Richard but he does deserve an ample amount of respect because he chooses Kate over Mo just because he’s a male. When Richard hears of the tragedy of Kates’ loss ( and even prior) he has wanted to be considered a father figure role in her life. I believe Richard does have the personality for change to not only respect women but to empower them.

[doingprettygood]

Sputnik Sweetheart

This book was reminded me of Catcher in The Rye. I feel that there is an underlying message that i’m still unable to understand. I feel like i don't and do understand. The character experiences loneliness. He doesn’t have any close ties to people. I feel like I can relate to that feeling. I have friends but I don’t know at what level. Do they really know me. I feel like that’s a hard question because I feel like I don’t even know myself. What are my interests? My hobbies? Do I actually enjoy the things I do or do I feel obliged to like them because other people enjoy the activities. I used to not enjoy hiking all too much but I feel like i’ve really grown to love it. My favorite color? I don’t really have one, i like them all the same. My favorite animal? Don’t really have one either? cats? dogs? I think giraffes and elephants look cool, they look like they’re not from here. I haven’t written in a really long time and it feels really good. When I speak, people don’t listen. I wonder what do people think of me? What qualities do they think I have? Responsible, kind, sleepy, lazy, hungry, boring, ugly, pretty? It’s hard to find a sense of self. I grew up in a stagnant environment. Alone in my room watching TV, I had a desire to play with kids but there were only boys in my neighborhood. My grandma instilled in me that I always need to have caution around boys. I’m not too comfortable around men unless I plan on sleeping with them. I don’t know why that is? I recently watched how to get over a breakup. The ex-boyfriend in the movie reminded me of Guy. He had a beard, man bun, and also had moved away. I don’t know if it was because I was in love with him or the fact that he rejected me or maybe its was both that I felt such pain when he cut off communication. I still think about him to this day. It’s gotten better, I really miss him in  bed the way he would hold me with his strong arms like nothing was going to hurt me. The cold rainy days when he would leave the window open and we would just make love all day and then cuddle up next to each other. The way he entered me and it would hurt but his deep passionate tender kisses made me enjoy it. I always thought it was strange that he wanted to look straight into my eyes when he entered me. It made me blush and gasp at the same time. It was too much it was like I was completely his. I still feel like i’m his. I miss him. He was kind and made me feel comfortable. Did he genuinely enjoy my company or was it all just for sex? I guess I’ll never have that answer. Well Sputnik sweetheart reminded me the loneliness that I experience about 70% of my time. I wrap it around me like a blanket. It’s something that completely envelopes me. It’ll have its’ hold on me even when I’m completely surrounded by others. Why is that? I can't shake it. I’m constantly tired due to the weight of loneliness. Its heavy on my heart and mind. Sputnik Sweetheart main narrator K is living a life of going through the motion and his only relief is Sumire. I can’t be in love ever. What if my ‘Sumire’ disappears one day and I'm left with a void. I couldn’t.

The guy at the library caught me off guard when he asked me what other works i’ve read from haruki marukami. I thought he was asking as a librarian not a person that was asking me a regular question. I need to practice talking to strangers a bit more. I constantly realize i’m not in the right profession.

[traptacular-deactivated20180125]

[7thblacksheep-deactivated201907]

Red ass flag