So last season
Hi Tumblr, it’s me. It’s been a while. I was doing the washing up and thinking. I was thinking about him, and us, and life, and everything that’s changed in the last few months. I wondered if I was just protecting myself, refusing to feel anything, pretending I’d moved on. You see, I felt numb. Like there’d been a massive brick wall built up between me and my feelings. As if I’d decided it was better not to feel than to feel so bad.
But I’m not sure that’s true. We’re trying to be friends. When this was first suggested I thought it was just a line. I also thought it was a lifeline. We were mid breakup and I couldn’t (or wouldn’t) picture a world - my world - without him in it. It felt wrong. It felt lonely. So I agreed. Maybe we could be friends? What was the big deal? We hadn’t even kissed properly in months. Maybe, that’s all this had become? A toxic friendship.
Everything is strange post-breakup. You don’t know who to tell, who not to tell, whether to put yourself out there again straight away or hide away in temporary mourning, whether to smile and carry on or cry out all the hurt. Add in the ‘let’s be friends’ clause and you have a cocktail for a really messed up headspace. But I’d already thrown my toys out of the pram, cried and cried, asked all the ‘why me’, ‘what have I done’ questions, stared at photos of us or things he gave me and despaired. I’d already done all of that before the breakup actually happened. Things had been emotionally difficult to stomach for months before. I just never let myself piece together the map of my unhappiness.
Just being friends has resulted so far in various ‘catch-ups’ - swimming, lunches, cups of tea, messenger conversations - which just makes me think of the neighbours you see once a year at Christmas. I don’t know how much to let him in. Or whether to even bother at all. These encounters have never been painful, but I haven’t always felt great. Too many times he has just talked about himself, never once asking me how I am. Too many times I have left out all the things I wish I had said about our breakup, not knowing whether to dredge up the past or if it will make me feel better if I do. I guess maybe he was scared to ask about me, in case I came out with a torrent of feelings about how shit he was. He probably deserves to hear that. Or maybe he was just being plain rude.
Despite that, it does feel normal to talk to him, it would be weird to ignore that we still live in the same city. I’m still numb but I don’t think its a wall to keep the feelings out that is causing it. I think it is because I have closed a door on that chapter. I’m not saying I was over the relationship before the breakup but I was over being made to feel like I felt in that relationship towards the end. We were great once. He helped me through so much and I will always be grateful for that. But he also treated me like shit and somehow blamed it on me. I’m not sure I have forgiven him for that but I don’t love him anymore.
If every year of my life was a season of a tv show, then there have been several people who once held starring roles that are no longer even in the show. That’s life I guess. What I have to decide now is if he should remain an extra or whether I can handle him having a recurring role. Stay tuned, this could be a good season.
